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Does anyone else feel like I do?? For the ladies....

post #1 of 12
Thread Starter 
How can I explain this? I've been with bf for 3 yrs, lived together for 2. We talk about "when we're married" or "when we have kids", as in who we'll leave kids with when we vacation, what names we like, what kind of wedding we'd have. He hasn't popped the question yet, but that's okay as long as he feels the same as I do. We both want several children. I love kids and kids love me. Being a nanny, you kind of have to, but I have a degree in biomedical science and could be doing other things. But, working without kids just doesn't feel right to me. Work with kids is still work, but it's enjoyable.

Anyway, we get by, but are by no means wealthy or even doing that well (we both have some debt) and being as yet unmarried, we are in no position for kids right now. We both want them in a few years, but not now for sure. I know if I were pregnant now, I'd absolutely freak out!!!

BUT......every time it's almost that time of the month, I wonder about a baby and I always feel a little sad when I get "the visitor". I know logically I don't want a kid right now and we take precautions to ensure (to the best of our abilities) that it doesn't happen until we're ready. It would be a huge hardship and strain on our relationship at this point. So why does my mind always wander down that road???

Am I absolutely nuts, or do/did any of you feel the same when you weren't quite ready for kids?
post #2 of 12
I'm the same. We've been together almost 2 years. I've had a few freakouts when i thought i could have a bun in the oven (im VERY careful, sometimes i just freak if it's late, but there were a couple of times that was valid to worry lol) we've talked about all of that. Kids, marriage, a house of our own etc. Actually the one time that was truly serious and Tristan was worrying as well, we both said to eachother that we we're disappointed when i wasn't pregnant. Even though we both live with our parents, he works i dont, and we're not married (dad would freak if he knew i wasnt a virgin..long story..sheltered life etc) i fantasise sometimes about what it's like to have a little version of us running about
post #3 of 12
I feel that way too... I'm newly married, but we aren't financially able to support any kids right now, and we both want to get our careers going too, but every month I feel sad that we can't just start our family now. Even though I KNOW logically, even if we weren't concerned about money or our careers, then I'd still want to wait so that we can have some time to ourselves... I'm not ready to be a mom really.. but I want to be one! It doesn't help when my family keeps saying that we should have kids now!!
post #4 of 12
I'm 51, childless, single, haven't dated in years... and I still feel that way. It's natural, especially for someone who loves kids the way you do.

Don't wait too long, though -- if there's anything I've learned from my friends, it's that if you wait until you can afford it, until your life is in order, until your relationship is "ready" -- you'll never do it. It's a leap that just has to be taken.
post #5 of 12
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by CarolPetunia View Post
I'm 51, childless, single, haven't dated in years... and I still feel that way. It's natural, especially for someone who loves kids the way you do.

Don't wait too long, though -- if there's anything I've learned from my friends, it's that if you wait until you can afford it, until your life is in order, until your relationship is "ready" -- you'll never do it. It's a leap that just has to be taken.
Oh definitely. Even my dad says, if you wait until you can afford it, you never will. I'd just like to wait until we're married so that we don't give our grandmas heart attacks lol. And we are both sort of messing around trying to settle on jobs/careers/schooling that will send us in a direction where there is more advancement possibilities, so that's got to be a consideration. I don't plan to wait TOO long. For one thing, I worry about the possibility of infertility, because I've had some issues with VERY painful cramps, so it just puts that sliver of doubt in my mind. Also, I want to have them earlier rather than later because we plan to have several and I want them all to be born before I'm 40 and the risks start to really go up. AND I want to have travel/buy fun stuff time with (future) hubby, and so I'd like to have kids young enough that when they're grown and out of the house, we'll still have years to enjoy together before we have to limit our activities due to old age. As you can see, I have given this a lot of thought.
post #6 of 12
A friend of mine just had a baby, and when I was buying gifts for the little guy in the baby department, looking at all the cute tiny little outfits, my mind wandered down that same path. But then my friend snapped me back to reality when she told me that she now hardly has time to even shower or put on makeup, she and her husband never go out anymore, and trips are more like work than vacations. Even a simple trip to the grocery store is an ordeal for her because she has to take the baby. So while I don't think you need to wait until your life is in order and you are financially stable, I think you definitely have to ask yourself if you're ready to give up certain freedoms and parts of your relationship. For now, I'm content with being the "aunt" that spoils the baby but doesn't have to change his diaper and afterwards can go out to a restaurant with my boyfriend!
post #7 of 12
For sure. I think that feeling must be wired into us biologically... I agree about not waiting too long. I have two friends who waited until their thirties and then discovered they had waited too long.

BTW, I didn't know you don't have to take the kids on vacation with you!
post #8 of 12
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by SwampWitch View Post
BTW, I didn't know you don't have to take the kids on vacation with you!
Oh, yes! My parents taught me that! We used to do a couple days at my aunts, then a couple at my grandma's, then a couple at the other grandma's, while my mom and dad took a week to themselves. It wasn't until I was years older that I realized it wasn't actually US who were on vacation, it was THEM!
post #9 of 12
I'm not real fond of other people kids, and having one of my own I'm still iffy about. DH and I just got married in 2005, we just built a house last year and are still getting settled in our new life. He's not sure he wants kids either. We're both kind of settled in our ways, we like to pick up and leave town on a whim. But, yes...I do get that feeling every month. A few months ago, I thought I might be and I told him. He got me a pregancy test...but he was so excited he told him mom! It came back negative, and I was surprised how disappointed I was. I agree, I think it's programed into us, both female and male. We're not trying to get pregant, but yes I do feel a little disappointed each month when mother nature comes to visit.
post #10 of 12
I am not financially ready, but i could foresee my self with children in the near future. Accidents happen, and usually they are the best ones
post #11 of 12
I used to get that feeling a lot when I was married (11 yrs together and NO kids - he wasnt' ready), but I know it happened that way for a reason. Now, Danica was unexpected, but even though things are tough ATM financially, I made the leap of faith because I knew that I wanted a family "someday." That someday is now, even if the family is a bit more non-traditional than I planned!!! If it's meant to be, it'll happen. and even if you're planning the pg, when that test comes back ++, you WILL freak out!
post #12 of 12
I have been in your shoes and I really emphasize with you. The pain of wanting a baby, followed by the fear of "what if I'm pregnant, I'm not ready", followed by the sorrow of, "oh I was just late, I'm not pregnant" feelings. When we 1st got married, we weren't ready for kids and had a few scares that I might have been preggers. Then about 4 years into the marriage we started trying and discovered the pain of fertility issues. After 5 years of trying, and years of actual fertility treatments we were blessed to have Kevin (who apparently fixed my fertility problems), followed closely there after by Derek. The time will come when it is right for you. If there are fertility issues, most are treatable. Good luck and PM me if you want to talk! I am here for you.
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