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Wedding Etiquette...

post #1 of 19
Thread Starter 
Hello everyone! I am about to go pick up a bridal shower gift for a friend, and I got to thinking. (Yes, it does hurt my head a little, I know you were going to ask ) I was wondering what everyone thinks about a few things regarding peoples' second marriages. In this instance, it would be the bride's second marriage, the groom's first.
Does the bride get another shower, and does the couple still register?
I have heard some people say both things shouldn't happen because there's a previous marriage and gifts were already received.
I personally don't care if it's the person's 10th wedding, (under certain circumstances of course, excluding gold diggers and such people) if they are getting married, it's something to celebrate, but I was wondering how the majority felt on this. Like do you think since she was married before, she shouldn't get another shower? And as far as registering, why should he suffer and not get gifts just because she already did that? I mean, it's not HIS fault she was already married.
Let me know what you think.
And in case you're wondering, it's ME I'm talking about....
Just future planning, nothing has happened yet.
post #2 of 19
I think they should still get a shower and register. The only thing I'd say is that if it's later and life, you'd be more set as far as some household things, so the registry would probably look a lot different from that of a 24 yr old couple who needs everything from serving spoons to toilet brushes.
post #3 of 19
I agree that they should still get all the showers and gifts. I think I would only be put off if they were remarrying each other, lol.
post #4 of 19
I think that if its one of the couple's first marriage, they should experience everything that a first marriage should experience.

If either of the couple had a shotgun wedding, then then get the shower too.

However I think once you get married once, the nostalgia wears off (as a guest) and while I support it, I guess it depends on the situation.
post #5 of 19
I say, it's your day, celebrate it however you want to. I did and it was my hubbys first marriage and my second. My friends took me out and showed me a lovely time complete with strippers,(YUMMY!) and we had a great time!
But we didn't get married in a church, we got married in a friends backyard, with close family and friends there only. Then we celebrated in a reception hall over in IL. It was magical. I still look at the pictures and sigh, and that was three years ago.
post #6 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by emrldsky View Post
I agree that they should still get all the showers and gifts. I think I would only be put off if they were remarrying each other, lol.
Can you imagine?

Here's another toaster for you two.. Good luck this time
post #7 of 19
well, a shower is usually planned by the friends of the bride or groom. so i guess if those friends want to throw a shower, they can. don't know what Emily Post would say, but that's my thinking. probably something more personal, like a lingerie shower, or a tool shower for the guy, would be more appropriate, since they probably have all the household stuff already. i know if i ever marry, that's more what i would prefer - i have china, cookware, flatware, towels, linens, etc. already - i'm 49, how would i have lived without that stuff! but new undies would be nice, since someone would be seeing them for the first time!
post #8 of 19
I don't see why you can't have a bridal shower. When people have more then one baby, don't they have a baby shower for each baby? I only had one child, so I don't know; but assume you get one.

So a 2nd wedding you should get a shower too.
post #9 of 19
To me a second marriage should be more understated. As well, most who have a second marriage are pretty established "loot-wise", so I see no need for a bridal shower for a woman going into her second marriage.

If you feel the need to "gift", then have a plant party or something where everyone brings a house plant of some type for the bride to be. Then just have a fun afternoon/evening for the "girls" with a movie, music, pot luck dinner, cards, board games etc.
post #10 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by Leli View Post
I think they should still get a shower and register. The only thing I'd say is that if it's later and life, you'd be more set as far as some household things, so the registry would probably look a lot different from that of a 24 yr old couple who needs everything from serving spoons to toilet brushes.
This is pretty much where I come down. A celebration is a celebration, whether it's your first or not, and if your friends want to throw a shower, I see no reason why they shouldn't.
post #11 of 19
I don't think anyone should ask for gifts unless they actually need them, whether it's their first or tenth marriage.

Bridal showers - absolutely - it's about celebrating with your girlfriends! If there's just a few things you could do with, then ask for donations for a charity, or a contribution to a honeymoon fund, as well as a small registry with just what you need.

My cousin got married last year and had been living with her partner a while, and he has money, but they live a fairly conservative (ie. not flashy) lifestyle and the gift registry was outrageous. It had things like $80 crystal fruit bowls, and $120 candelabra's. Looking at it, you got the impression they had all they needed, they just wanted more fancy stuff that probably wouldn't get used.

When DH and I got married, we did it on short notice and had been living together for ages, so had everything we needed. We didn't feel right having a gift registry "just because", so asked for donations to the Ovarian Cancer Research Foundation (which DH's mum died of), and the Heart Foundation (given the problems in my family). That meant a lot more to us than presents.

So I think, do what you're comfortable with, but don't ask for things you don't really need!
post #12 of 19
It's a new union of two people and that should be honored and celebrated.
post #13 of 19
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Natalie_ca View Post
If you feel the need to "gift", then have a plant party or something where everyone brings a house plant of some type for the bride to be.
Now THAT is a good idea!!! We are SO into landscaping and gardening, wouldn't it be cool to have a bridal registry at Stein's?? LOL We both have household stuff but will need to landscape the yard, I'm sure.
post #14 of 19
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahp View Post
I don't think anyone should ask for gifts unless they actually need them, whether it's their first or tenth marriage.

Bridal showers - absolutely - it's about celebrating with your girlfriends! If there's just a few things you could do with, then ask for donations for a charity, or a contribution to a honeymoon fund, as well as a small registry with just what you need.

My cousin got married last year and had been living with her partner a while, and he has money, but they live a fairly conservative (ie. not flashy) lifestyle and the gift registry was outrageous. It had things like $80 crystal fruit bowls, and $120 candelabra's. Looking at it, you got the impression they had all they needed, they just wanted more fancy stuff that probably wouldn't get used.

When DH and I got married, we did it on short notice and had been living together for ages, so had everything we needed. We didn't feel right having a gift registry "just because", so asked for donations to the Ovarian Cancer Research Foundation (which DH's mum died of), and the Heart Foundation (given the problems in my family). That meant a lot more to us than presents.

So I think, do what you're comfortable with, but don't ask for things you don't really need!
I agree with this too!!!
post #15 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by GoldenKitty45 View Post
I don't see why you can't have a bridal shower. When people have more then one baby, don't they have a baby shower for each baby? I only had one child, so I don't know; but assume you get one.

So a 2nd wedding you should get a shower too.
I've never seen a baby shower for second babies.

That being said, like another poster stated, if your friends want to throw you a bridal shower, then good for you!
post #16 of 19
Technically, no, but I agree with the others here, and think they should be given showers (but only by friends/co-workers. Etiquette states that family are not to do this--I guess the rationale is that they may have a stake in the loot, such as valuable silver, so it looks predatory for them to host showers. ) Perhaps more practical items are more appropriate for those getting married again; not the china-pattern-family silver stuff. (Although, if they never had that stuff the 1st time, why not? Every girl should have a few heirlooms tucked away!)

MargeCat
post #17 of 19
I think they could get a shower. It's just that the gifts won't be the expensive things that they would need like, silverware, a microwave or stuff for the house. I think the gifts now would be a gift card or picture frames... unless the bride-to-be didn't get much from her previous divorce or they honestly don't have stuff that they need.
post #18 of 19
In my social circle, money is always pretty tight... so I don't think people should ever feel the slightest pressure to do anything but show up at the wedding and be happy for the couple. I wish gifts could be optional... but I know it's just too entrenched a tradition.

And y'know... I don't like the idea of a traditional bridal registry for china and silver. It's so entirely about the STUFF! It eliminates any possibility that there'll be a personal meaning and sentimental value attached to the gift, y'know?

Now, let me acknowledge that it's a tradition with honorable origins, from times when a young couple starting out were both moving away from home for the first time, when it was mostly an agrarian culture, and they truly did need the generosity of all their families and friends to assemble the necessities of life. But it's not like that anymore -- not in America, anyway. So I'd like to see the tradition adjust to the times.

If I ever get married again -- which is approximately 226 times less likely than getting struck by lightning, but if I ever do -- I'll put it right on the invitation: No gifts, please... but if you like, you could make a small donation to the animal shelter.

And I don't give a hoot what Emily Post would think of it!
post #19 of 19
Very well said

I can see a shower for someone young and starting out who has nothing, but not for a second marriage, regardless of whether the groom has been married before or not. Showers are given for women, not men, at least traditionally. It's a "girl" thing and I doubt very much that they guy cares what kind of china pattern is in the house or how many speeds is on the food processor. It's most often the woman or her mother that insists on "registering" for "frilly" household items like china patterns etc. If it was left up to a guy to register, chances are they would pick a sporting goods or hardware store.

I think it would be much nicer for the bride of a second marriage to have just a fun evening with the girls without the gifts. That fun evening could be at home or somewhere else.

Also, when I mentioned a possible plant party, I meant token house plants like an Arican Violet or a clipping of a Spider Plant, not getting people to pay for the landscaping of a yard.

To me a wedding is about the bride and groom saying their vows in the presence of friends and family, not trying to get the most loot that they possibly can get.



Quote:
Originally Posted by CarolPetunia View Post
In my social circle, money is always pretty tight... so I don't think people should ever feel the slightest pressure to do anything but show up at the wedding and be happy for the couple. I wish gifts could be optional... but I know it's just too entrenched a tradition.

And y'know... I don't like the idea of a traditional bridal registry for china and silver. It's so entirely about the STUFF! It eliminates any possibility that there'll be a personal meaning and sentimental value attached to the gift, y'know?

Now, let me acknowledge that it's a tradition with honorable origins, from times when a young couple starting out were both moving away from home for the first time, when it was mostly an agrarian culture, and they truly did need the generosity of all their families and friends to assemble the necessities of life. But it's not like that anymore -- not in America, anyway. So I'd like to see the tradition adjust to the times.

If I ever get married again -- which is approximately 226 times less likely than getting struck by lightning, but if I ever do -- I'll put it right on the invitation: No gifts, please... but if you like, you could make a small donation to the animal shelter.

And I don't give a hoot what Emily Post would think of it!
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