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My fault!

post #1 of 21
Thread Starter 
We used to have a cat called Sammy, she was black and white and very loving. I hated school (I was 11) so much so that I used to have fake coughs. After worming out of school on many occasions with these coughs my Gran decided to take me to the docter. He said I had asthma, I knew I hadn't but as long as I got out of school it didn't matter.

Anyway we got home, told my Grandad the news and he said we'd better get rid of Sammy, so we did. She was 12 years old and I never knew what happened to her, all I know was she went to a shelter. I feel so guilty about what I did.

I'm not writing this for sympathy, I don't want it, what I did was so wrong and I hated myself for doing it.

Now I have Suki and I hope that Sammy can forgive me for what I did, because I can't. Sammy did nothing wrong, she ended up with no home because of my selfishness. I was young and I didn't think my Grandad would send Sammy to a shelter, but he did.

I like to think Sammy was re-incarnated into Suki because it makes me feel a little better, although I don't deserve to feel better.

Sammy, please forgive me, I didn't mean to have you taken away, I'm so sorry.
post #2 of 21
Oh, BuNN, that is so sad. Your grandparents made the decision, not you. Children don't realize the consequences of their actions, you can't be completely to blame.

You now shower so much love and attention on Suki. I am sure Sammy knows how bad you feel, and you will see her again. Animals are so forgiving, more than we are.

Give Suki extra scratches, and think of Sammy often, but remember the happy times, not the sad.
post #3 of 21
BUNN, that IS very sad, but as Bren said, as a child you don't realise what the outcome might be. I'm sure Sammy has forgiven you now and watches you playing with Suki with a big grin!!
post #4 of 21
Very well put Brenda. Children don't realize the consequences of their actions, nor can they foretell what their actions will result with in time. Don't feel bad. You're doing the right thing with Suki now.
post #5 of 21
Thread Starter 
Thanx for the kind words. It's hard to feel better when you feel you let a loved one down. I just wish I'd not been so selfish and went to school like everyone else, Sammy would have had a good home until she died.
post #6 of 21

You have made amends in many ways. You are certainly have turned out to be a very kind soul. Your smart, and you try to help where you can in your life. And you are an animal gatekeeper(protector). We all have seen it through and through.
There are many of us on this board and in the world that did some pretty strange stuff as children. To other children our pets and our parents. As long we have learned from our mistakes and moved on we are accountable to the best of our ability.
David, time to let go, write her a note, saying your peace. Burn it and say goodbye to her. I cetainly feel your pain. And I am sorry for your loss. But the guilt will not bring her back.If seeing a counselor, or someone you trust, please do so. Your grieving, and may need a ear.

post #7 of 21
Oh Bunn, I can feel your pain all the way over here in Kentucky! Please don't let the guitly feelings eat at you this way. You were a child and did not know how serious the consequences of your behavior would be. We have all done things in our lives that we would give anything to undo...but dwelling on these past mistakes will do nothing but cause us great pain.

My heart goes out to you....give yourself a BIG hug for me.

post #8 of 21
Oh BuNN...you were a child. I know you feel bad and your grandparents did what they knew was the only solution for them at that time.

What confuses me is how in the world did your doctor diagnose asthma? You can fake coughing all you want but for him to come to this conclusion just because you coughed is beyond me. My doctor suspected my oldest of having asthma but before coming to this conclusion, he had him do some breathing tests. And he checked his lungs. Xrays and all. It ended up he had pneumonia (that lasted 4 months!) That was the reason he had the constant cough.
post #9 of 21
BuNN, I'm so sorry you are carrying this weight. Like the others have said, you were a child. You didn't know the consequences of your actions. Children are selfish by nature and caring about others and putting others before one's self is a learned behaviour. You have made amends 10 fold.

I was wondering the same thing Ghys. How did the Dr. make that diagnosis if you were faking it? I mean, you can fake a cough, but you can't fake how your lungs sound or breath tests. I would put as much blame on your quack doctor as anyone.
post #10 of 21
Thread Starter 
Again thanx for the kind words.

The doctor sent me for tests, X-rays etc, so there must have been something. They put me on ventilin <sp?>, but it never really did anything. I had a very high lung capacity, most kids my age were registering 250-300 I was registering 500-600.

We have photos of Sammy, she was so cute. One time as a kitten she climbed all the way up the curtains and stuck her little head out at the top. I tormented her so much, she'd see me and hide because I'd use my toy gun and pretend to shoot her. I wish I didn't do that, but I just didn't care, she was nothing to me then.

Cats mean everything to me and Suki is my world. She's so timid and I love her so much. She runs to me as soon as I appear, she'll churup as she sees me. She runs past with her tail in the air with a meow of delight. I'd miss her so much if she went missing, I'd move heaven and earth to find her. I ripped the door off a garage when she got trapped in there, the owner never did find out who did the damage. All I could hear was her crying, so I grabbed the bottom of the door and ripped it off the hinges. There was nothing inside only a wet and miserable Suki.
post #11 of 21
A long long long time ago... doctors called anything that was a cough without a fever, asthma. The animal that always got the blame was the cat.

I'm so sorry that your kitty had to leave home.. but, pets that love us are supposed to come back to us again and again! Look your kitty in the eyes and ask if it is your long lost kitty.. you may get a wink for your trouble!

(((Hugs))) Hope you feel better soon!
post #12 of 21
I did something selfish as a child once too. I had a really sweet calico cat fittingly named Sweety. I really liked her but there was another cat that I liked even more and wanted very badly. My motrher said I could not have two cats and that if I wanted this other one I had to get rid of Sweety. At first I said no way but my want for this other cat just grew more and more till I told my Mom I would get rid of Sweety to get this cat. I tried and tried to find her a home but no one wanted her. Well I got the other cat before I got rid of Sweety hoping that my Mom would just give in. Well she said one of them had to go that day. She didn't care which one it was so I let her take Sweety to the pound. I don't know if she ever found a home or not and I didn't realize the reason my Mom woundn't let me have two cats was because we just couldn't afford the feeding and vet care of two cats.

As time went on I felt increasingly guilty about what I did. I let one purrfectly good and loving cat go to a shelter because I just had to have the newer better model. This taught me to just be happy with what you have and not to always want something bigger and better.

BUNN, I'm sure that Sammy still loves you and that you will see her again. Just love Suki and remember what you have learned from your experience. That was a long time ago you were just a child who didn't know any better. We were all that way once. I know how guilty you feel about what happened. Please forgive yourself, I'm sure Sammy already has.

Sending much love and support your way. Take care.

post #13 of 21
Bunn -

I am sorry to hear you are feeling this guilt. Believe me, I understand. I have two cat stories I started to share, but just couldn't (guilt). Everyone is right. Love Suki and try to forgive yourself. Learning from our mistakes is healthy, continually beating ourself up is not .

Anyone who has read any of your posts knows you would not intentionally hurt a cat.


post #14 of 21
BuNN, You were forgiven a long time ago! You were a child, as our friends have reminded you. Try to forgive yourself, and take joy in your memories and the fact that you are a real animal lover now. You can't change the past, but you have changed the present, and that's what's important now. I believe you'll see Sammy again. You would never have done what you did if you'd known the consequences. Many children have done similar things. My heart is aching for the little child who learned a hard lesson.
post #15 of 21
Bunn - Sammy would forgive you in a heart beat. My granfather sid something similar with the family cat when my mom was young. My uncle is very allergic to cats and he said he was giving the cat to a co-worker. my grandmother revealed after my grandfather past that he took the cat into the country and let it loose. You grandparents could have tried to find Sammy a home, the important thing was that you gave Sammy love!
post #16 of 21
Bad BuNN! You've already gotten lots of support. I'm so glad you've got this place to work out your guilt - it so helps, I'm sure. I'm also sure Sammy will forgive you when you see her again (if she hasn't already). She was a kitten once too and she knows what kids get up to! Besides... Sammy may well have ended up in a very loving home.

So, when I do dumb things, I don't always want the sympathy either.

I'm not writing this for sympathy, I don't want it...
(...in the rest of the sentence, you were a little too hard on yourself.) As everyone else has pointed out, you were just a kid. Which isn't an excuse, but it is an explanation.

But my point is, in addition to all those hugs you needed HERE ARE THOSE BONKS!

Now BuNN - you're all grown up. So NOW you be good!

post #17 of 21
I had to take a cat back to the humane society when we first got married, and it is something I will never ever do again. Her name was Pickles and I still have a pic of her. We picked her out thinking since she was only 6 months old, she'd get along w/ a puppy. We were wrong, and unfortunately, we, well I had to take her back I noticed on the card w/ her info, it said she did not get along w/ dogs, but at the time, I guess we did not see it. I know that she probably went to a loving home, since she was a loving cat. Try not to beat yourself up ... I am sure Sammy went to a loving home!
post #18 of 21
Oh BuNN...I am SO glad I read this thread tonight!!!! First of all I want to say that you were only 11, and we all make mistakes as children, and I am sure Sammy would forgive you. But I also know exactly how you feel!!!!! I have carried around the guilt of what I did (or rather had done) to one of my cats when I was a child, for a very long time, and have never told anyone....but now I will get it off my chest....

When I was 12, my mom bought me three baby chicks....I just loved them!!!! One died right away, we don't know why, but the other two were doing really well, a yellow one (who turned into a big Rhode Island Red rooster later on) and a brown one. I kept them in a cage in my bedroom, and played with them often!!!! One day my mom (who really was the one to blame in this story, not the cat) took the two baby chicks out to the garden with her to play and peck around in the dirt while she planted seeds. She didn't watch them very well, and one of the cats....a big friendly yellow one named Lucky ( who didn't turn out to be so lucky ) ....snuck up on them and grabbed the little brown one and killed it. Mom grabbed the other one and came running in the house and told me. I was sobbing, I was so fond of that little brown chick, and I was so angry at that cat!!!! I went running out and told my dad to kill that cat right now!!!!!!! He argued with me but I insisted I did not want that cat to live after what it had done to my baby chick. So dad had the cat put to sleep. This has haunted me for years and years.....that poor cat did NOTHING wrong!!! He had no clue that those were pet chicks, and was only doing what came natural to him!!!!! Any cat would of done the same thing!!!!! I feel so horrible for what I did!!!!!! Lucky was a good cat. I have never been able to forgive myself!!! I know I was only 12 years old, but how could I have been so heartless????
It feels good to get this off my chest.
post #19 of 21
Thread Starter 
I feel your pain so much and I understand how bad you feel. I bet our two departed cats are playing together now in kitty heaven. We now have a common bond that can't be broken.
post #20 of 21
Debby, Did you forgive your mother? Of course you did. If you thought she was still mourning her actions years afterwards, you would be so upset. You know that she didn't foresee what would happen. When you wanted the cat to die you were speaking with the voice of a broken heart. How much sooner did your Father forgive you? I know my heart would be broken too, but you know what I'm talking about. I don't want to get preachy, but try to be as forgiving to that little girl (Debby) as you were to your mother and Bunn. You, like Bunn, are helping many of God's creatures now. All things work together for good.....
post #21 of 21
Thank you guys! You have really helped me! I know I need to forgive myself, I just feel so horrible about it. I think that is why I am so fond of yellow cats, now....everytime I see one, I am reminded of Lucky and I want to hold it and cuddle it and make up for what I did to him somehow.
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