I think I hate myself (long)

adymarie

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I wasnâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t going to post this. This makes me feel like a bad mother. I just donâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t know what to do anymore. I am only posting this because I really value your advice and I am seriously approaching my wits end.

I was so angry last night I almost shook Derek. I didnâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t, but I so felt the urge – I really hate myself now. I feel like I donâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t deserve to be his mother. I actually have tears in my eyes writing this.

Derek is a very poor sleeper. He always has been. Some nights he is very good, others nights impossible. I have tried keeping him awake longer before bedtime, I have tried letting him have an extra nap. I have tried extra play time before bed and quiet time before bed. I even tried a bath before bed. It seems like no matter what we do, as soon as we go upstairs he gets lively. He could be close to falling asleep on me or even asleep on me (tried transferring him asleep), but as soon as we go upstairs he gets jumpy.

We co-sleep (although I had been trying to get him in his crib). Last night he bit me 3 times while I was trying to breast feed him. Then he just wouldnâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t settle. He tries to climb off the bed, climbs all over me and just bounces around laughing. So I decided to put him in his bed to see if he would sleep or settle there. The liveliness just got worse and he started scream because he wanted out of his crib.

I have been lucky if I have been getting 3 hours of sleep a night. That is because by the time I get him settled (can take up to 2 hours) I am so aggravated I canâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t sleep. By the time I do sleep he is up again for a feeding or crying because of his teeth. I was in tears and literally begging him last night to sleep. It doesnâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t help that I am in pain from my gall stone. I am exhausted and I canâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t tell my DH what I am going through because of his health and stress issues. He has been sleeping in the spare room because of the co-sleeping, so he is not aware of what I have been going through at night.

I feel like such a horrible person and I just donâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t know what to do.

If you feel like you have to blast me for wanting to (but not) shaking my baby – go ahead. You canâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t blast me any worse then I am blasting myself!
 

sofiecusion

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How old is he? When he bites you, stop feeding him. Say something like "How sad! All done" That's the only way you're going to get him to stop. I realize he may be hungry, but you can go back when he calms down and try again. Just walk away and not say anything else. When he cries at night, just do the same thing, place him in his crib, and if he contues to be "lively", just say "How sad" or something and walk out until he calms down. Right now he's thriving on the fact that he's getting your attention, even if it's negative. The first few times you walk away, he may cry and scream for awhile, that is expected. Wait a few minutes after he's done crying before going in (also to calm yourself down). Don't give in to it, and you'll both lead happier lives.
 

siggav

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Children are a lot of hard work. I don't have any of my own but I was 18 when my mother had her last (I'm 26 now), so I remember clearly what it was like living with a baby.

It's hard and when you get so tired your endurance goes way down. My mother got so exhausted with the whole thing that she ended up sleeping in my room (furthest away from the baby so the most quiet) while I was on a mattress in the living room and dad bottle fed the baby when she woke up during the night. (Mom continued breastfeeding during the day) We were like that for a few weeks.

Is there anyone that can help you out? You shouldn't have to be alone dealing with an infant. If your hubby can't help at all (and really I can't imagine his health and stress being any worse than yours) do you have any sisters or close friends that could help you out even if it's just for a night or two?
 

natalie_ca

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Talk to your doctor. It sounds like you have a good bout of post partum depression going on. Not seeking help will only make things worse, and while you can control the impulse to hurt your child now, if it gets too bad you may not be able to


Please see your doctor and get some medication to help you through this difficult time in your life.

Also, you should be talking to your husband about this. The child is his too and he has to take some responsibility for it's care, and he obviously isn't. The father's part in child rearing doesn't stop after he makes his "deposit!!" Health issues or not, he needs to stand up and take on some of the responsibility for that child, even if it does mean he has to get up in the middle of the night to take his turn to look after the baby.

Having a baby is a stressful thing, and both parents need to be involved and support one another.
 

phenomsmom

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Ady you are not a bad mom. We all know how much you love your boys. Just because you have the urge to do something (I quite often have the urge to punch Lee right in the nose
) The fact is your didn't follow through. You are frustrated and aggravated. We all get that way. The only break from your children is work and that is really no break at all. Can you ask your hubby for 30 minutes a day, work free and child free? Take a bath, take a walk, or take a nap. Get to the doctor though.

I might try to talk to a Dr. about his sleep habits!
 

anakat

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You are NOT a bad Mother, you are a very normal and honest one. Is there any way to get a day or two of work and sleep while the boys are in daycare. You really have to try and take care of yourself for all of your families sake.
 

twstychik

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You are NOT a bad mother... in fact, it's quite the opposite. A bad mother would have shaken him or much worse but you didn't. You wanted to (and I'm sure most mothers feel that way some times) but you didn't! His poor sleep leads to your poor sleep which causes increased stress and fatigue. It's only normal that you'll be feeling at wits end with that situation but you handeled it like you should have. Heck, I've wanted to throtle Frankie a few times but it's restraint that makes us good.
 
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adymarie

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Can it be post partum when he is 13 months old?
My hubby would help if he knew - he is amazing with the kids, but DR told him that he is a prime candidate for a heart attack right now and he must reduce his stress and anxiety. He works a very physically demanding job and I am afraid for his health.

Thanks for the support everyone. I honestly think I'll feel better if I could just get a couple of nights of sleep.
 
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adymarie

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Originally Posted by Anakat

You are NOT a bad Mother, you are a very normal and honest one. Is there any way to get a day or two of work and sleep while the boys are in daycare. You really have to try and take care of yourself for all of your families sake.
I wish I could, but I have to save my sick time for my gall bladder surgery. We'll have to see - I might have to next week if things don't improve. Usually he has a string of bad nights and then 1-2 good ones. This bad string has been longer then most. He really has trouble teething.
 

crittermom

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Have you tried giving him some tylenol at night? It may help him settle and calm down enough to sleep from the tooth pain.
Are you planning on breaking him from the breast soon? If you have to have surgury, the drugs from the Anesthia (sp) and pain killers, you do NOT want going into him. It may be best to try and wean him some now.
When he bites you, I would calmly put him down and button up and do NOT allow him to nurse until the next feeding.If he is 13 months old, your milk is not the only nourishment that he is getting--so he will be fine.
I would also recommend getting him use to his own bed SOON! I had a Hysterectomy and I can tell you, I would NEVER have been able to handle a child in the bed with me.Shawn even was affraid to sleep next to me.
 

sofiecusion

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I did not realize he was that old....definitely just discontinue breast feeding when he bites! Have you started any weaning yet?

Definitely try tylenol or ambesol/oragel for his teeth. I used to work with that age group and know its difficult. Also try giving him a refrigerated teething ring to help soothe it. We always kept plently handy in our 1 year old room!
 

gingersmom

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Originally Posted by twstychik

You are NOT a bad mother... in fact, it's quite the opposite. A bad mother would have shaken him or much worse but you didn't. You wanted to (and I'm sure most mothers feel that way some times) but you didn't! His poor sleep leads to your poor sleep which causes increased stress and fatigue. It's only normal that you'll be feeling at wits end with that situation but you handeled it like you should have. Heck, I've wanted to throtle Frankie a few times but it's restraint that makes us good.


When my daughter was 3 months old she had MAD colic and screamed for hours at a time, and there was never anything I could do to soothe her, which only made ME crazier because I was SO exhausted all the time.

If it weren't for my upstairs neighbor answering my cry for help at midnight one night, I just might have thrown my only child through a window pane just to get the crying to STOP. I was so depressed because I couldn't do anything to help her feel better, that my sleep-deprived mind was telling me that THAT'LL stop it!

You are completely normal and a GOOD mom for caring and for stopping yourself. It is OK to feel the feelings you are having, it is ok to think about or fantasize about causing harm, it is when you cross that line and actually COMMIT harm that you become a bad parent.

Please do seek some parental counseling - it does not mean there is ANYTHING wrong with you - but it can REALLY help you to cope with this time. It helped ME, so I absolutely recommend therapy.


And remember: THis time will pass - you WILL get through it, and we are here for you!!!
 

jenny82

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I don't have any children and I don't really have any advice, but I just wanted to offer you my support and hugs.
It will get better, I really believe that.
 
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adymarie

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Originally Posted by sofiecusion

I did not realize he was that old....definitely just discontinue breast feeding when he bites! Have you started any weaning yet?

Definitely try tylenol or ambesol/oragel for his teeth. I used to work with that age group and know its difficult. Also try giving him a refrigerated teething ring to help soothe it. We always kept plently handy in our 1 year old room!
Tylonel and any OTC drugs don't seem to help him, he pukes with the gum stuff (upsets his tummy) and he doesn't like teething rings (yes, he is a stubborn little cuss). I have some homeopathic teething remedies that seem to work - sometime, so he gets that before bed.

His breastfeeding is being reduced - usually no more then 3-4 times in a 24 hour period, but it the biting continues it will stop completely. As soon as he bites, the breast gets put away and only taken out once he seems to have calmed down. I might try a bottle tonight and give him the breast in the middle of the night for his standard 2 am feeding.
 

white cat lover

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I guess, IMO, I think you really aught to talk to your doctor about the way you feel. Many people do not realize how simply stressors are affecting their lives. Not only may your dr. have some ideas for you, but might have some ideas about Derek.
 
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adymarie

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Thanks - I think next week I will speak with our Wellness department at work. If they can't help me they will make sure I get pointed to the right resources.
 

sofiecusion

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I'm glad your seeking out resources. Also keep track, only if in your mind, when he bites. Is it a certain time of day? in a certain room? etc. You may be able to pin it down and give him a bottle during those times instead.
 

lunasmom

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Originally Posted by twstychik

You are NOT a bad mother... in fact, it's quite the opposite. A bad mother would have shaken him or much worse but you didn't. You wanted to (and I'm sure most mothers feel that way some times) but you didn't!
Couldn't have said it any better!

Many people I have talked with at work about kids have said that at points during their lives there are times that they just want to smack their kids...but they don't.

Remaining calm and seeking out the resources that you need are the 2 things to making a great mom. We don't come with everything programmed into us concerning kids. That's why we have each other
 

trouts mom

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Aww Ady..like everyone else said..you are not a bad mom at all


I just think you are at your wits end and you need some help! Be sure to talk to your doctor about how you feel, and also to get ideas of how to help the little tyke sleep.

I wish you the best of luck with this..
 
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