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Big Girls Don't Cry.

post #1 of 28
Thread Starter 
This here thread is about emotions, and how you deal with them.

I am interested in other people's emotions, so I can figure out if I'm normal or not.

How do you deal with big issues, such as someones passing away, a car accident with people you know, and don't know how they are doing...Big stuff like that. Do you cry, do you get anxious and lose control? Or do you hold it all back? Or do you cry when no one else is looking?

And also about little things. Such as a fight with the spouse. Or even a sad movie. Your child/furbaby being sick.

I suppose I'm just wondering these things because my family thinks there is something wrong with me, because of how I deal with my emotions.
I don't cry about big things. I don't even act like it's a big deal. I just hold it all back knowing it's going to all be ok in a while. I don't grieve or mourn. If I do, it's alone. No one would see, and that doesnt happen often anyway.

That all started when my father committed suicide when I was 16. I sat in my room for a day trying to figure out how I was going to deal with this. As everyone was waiting on me to bust out in tears. It's not that him and I were not close, we were. I just couldnt imagine it was true. So, I went to work like I was scheduled, and went to the county fair after work. Everyone was trying to talk to me about it, but I ignored it. That was the beginning of my family thinking I was not dealing with it right. I didnt even cry at the "funeral". I don't go to funerals anymore either. I just stood there, and watched everything else go on. My family thinks one day I'm just gonna bust out and start crying about it. I'm not. I'm over it. But that is a long story, and I kind of resent him for doing that. I think I might be sad about it on my wedding day, but I'm sure not going to let it get to me then either.

Whenever something big has happened scince then, I do the same. I basically wait for everything to be ok as fast as possible. I don't let the big things get to me. I remain "strong" (if you will).

As for little things, I cry at movies, I cry at the petstore, I even cry at that "womens health center" commercial where they sing that "Reeeason, reeeason, Iiii've got a reeeason, I've got a reasssoon to liiiiive" (you know which one?).
I do not however cry during or after fights with the spouse. If I do, it's in the shower.

I am a very happy person, and I think I am absolutly normal, and kind of flaky, but what do ya'll think?
How do you all deal with your emotions?
post #2 of 28
I cry all the time..and I can't hold it in. If there are people around, and I feel emotional..I cry
post #3 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by Trouts mom View Post
I cry all the time..and I can't hold it in. If there are people around, and I feel emotional..I cry
I'm a definate cryer. When Davidson passed away, I cried for a week straight. I thought my eyes were going to fall out! Crying just makes me feel better... I dunno When John & I fight, I always cry, he's getting used to it, I cry for no reason at all sometimes!
post #4 of 28
I cry. A lot. I cry over everything. When I get really mad, when I am really happy, everything.
post #5 of 28
I'm a very emotional person and I cry over everything.
Good things, bad things it makes no difference.
There are even some songs that can bring me to tears.
post #6 of 28
I don't think you're strange. Everyone deals with things in their own way. There is no right or wrong way to handle something like death. Sometimes, I think the mind goes into shock so you can't feel anything as a way to protect you. Does that make sense?

I cry at the drop of a hat at stupid things...movies, hallmark commercials, songs, you name it. But, when my parents died I didn't cry at either of their veiwings or funerals. I just didn't need to. I think I was basically numb. Or, maybe I thought if I had started I wouldn't stop. I did cry privately, later. When DH and I fight, it depends. If I feel like I'm right, I don't cry but if I know he is right and I know I did something wrong I cry. A lot of time it's more tears of frustration then anything else.
post #7 of 28
Everyone handles emotions and grief differently, so no worries on your part.

If you think you should be crying, then perhaps talk to a therapist about it. Otherwise, no one can tell you how to or not react to any given situation. The fact that you do cry at certain moments of your life is still a good thing: You're still in touch with that side.
If you didn't I would definitely say talk to someone about it. But the fact that you do cry occassionally I wouldn't think twice.

As for me, I use to be "hard" or "strong" but lately I'm just down because I'm in a job that I don't enjoy and since it sucks up 40 or more hours of my week, it does get to me.

But usually if someone passes, I don't cry until the funeral. It was weird, I didn't cry at my grandfather's funeral...but I guess it was because i expected it.

I don't normally cry at movies or any of the smaller stuff. The major stuff, sure. Fights with fiance yes.
post #8 of 28
I'm with you I only ever cry at silly little things, not the real big ones.
I'm sure the last Harry Potter book will be wet when I finish it, Dumbledore's funeral made me cry.
post #9 of 28
I deal with big things in pretty much the same way, Lilleah, so I don't think you're strange at all. I bottle it up. I don't cry, I don't yell or scream, I just get on with my life (as much as possible) and often behave as though nothing has happened. I also am often in a position where someone needs to be strong and get things done, and that person typically ends up being me -- so I can't afford to lose it and act out on my emotions. When the "bad stuff" is over, I allow myself time to process and vent, but so long as people need taking care of, I can be a bit of a machine about it.

When I was younger, I cried at the drop of a hat. Any hat. I was overly sensitive about everything, and consequently, I got picked on. A lot. So I toughened up and kept it all in -- the end result being, of course, that now I just don't cry or emote much at all, and people tend to think I'm not dealing "appropriately" or that at some point I'm going to explode with all these pent-up emotions. I can't help it; in a sense, I view crying and losing my temper as a sign of weakness, because that's how people treated me when I did it when I was younger -- they treated me like I was weak. I hated being perceived that way, so now I keep it all inside (and instead I'm viewed as being cold, emotionless, sometimes even heartless).

I do have outlets for my emotions though: my writing. When I'm feeling particularly upset about something, I write about it in my journals. Nobody else ever has to read them, so it helps to get it out there in a place where I feel safe and secure (and where nobody will judge me). I also use those emotions to give my characters better depth -- write what you know, y'know?

The last time I cried was when I found out my grandmother had passed away: July 2005. The only people who saw me cry were my kitties, and they don't judge me. (They were, in fact, very supportive. Oz is an excellent hugging cat.) It wasn't even a really big crying session, although her death was unexpected and I cared for her very much; it was just enough to let it out. Then, at the funeral and the reception afterwards, the minister who presided over the ceremony told me I needed to let my emotions out, and she really ticked me off. Who the was she to tell me how to grieve? It made me feel like I was doing it the "wrong" way, when I don't personally believe that there is any "wrong" way to absorb and process your emotions. I'm sure she meant well, but I deal with things my own way, and it works for me.
post #10 of 28
I just dive right in and feel everything my mind and spirit are trying to tell me to feel. That may not work for everyone but in my experience it helps me move through to the other side more quickly and thoroughly, and with more closure. Suppressing things just means they keep popping up in your life until you confront them. If I need to cry I will. If I need to laugh I will. If I need to be angry I will. I always try to be reasonable and stay within boundaries - especially to ensure I don't inadvertently hurt someone's feelings (especially if I'm angry) but I feel the best way to deal with things is to DEAL with them, head-on, straight away, and with as much honesty as you can manage. It's not always comfortable, but it sure works for me.
post #11 of 28
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mirinae View Post
I deal with big things in pretty much the same way, Lilleah, so I don't think you're strange at all. I bottle it up. I don't cry, I don't yell or scream, I just get on with my life (as much as possible) and often behave as though nothing has happened. I also am often in a position where someone needs to be strong and get things done, and that person typically ends up being me -- so I can't afford to lose it and act out on my emotions. When the "bad stuff" is over, I allow myself time to process and vent, but so long as people need taking care of, I can be a bit of a machine about it.

When I was younger, I cried at the drop of a hat. Any hat. I was overly sensitive about everything, and consequently, I got picked on. A lot. So I toughened up and kept it all in -- the end result being, of course, that now I just don't cry or emote much at all, and people tend to think I'm not dealing "appropriately" or that at some point I'm going to explode with all these pent-up emotions. I can't help it; in a sense, I view crying and losing my temper as a sign of weakness, because that's how people treated me when I did it when I was younger -- they treated me like I was weak. I hated being perceived that way, so now I keep it all inside (and instead I'm viewed as being cold, emotionless, sometimes even heartless).

I do have outlets for my emotions though: my writing. When I'm feeling particularly upset about something, I write about it in my journals. Nobody else ever has to read them, so it helps to get it out there in a place where I feel safe and secure (and where nobody will judge me). I also use those emotions to give my characters better depth -- write what you know, y'know?

The last time I cried was when I found out my grandmother had passed away: July 2005. The only people who saw me cry were my kitties, and they don't judge me. (They were, in fact, very supportive. Oz is an excellent hugging cat.) It wasn't even a really big crying session, although her death was unexpected and I cared for her very much; it was just enough to let it out. Then, at the funeral and the reception afterwards, the minister who presided over the ceremony told me I needed to let my emotions out, and she really ticked me off. Who the was she to tell me how to grieve? It made me feel like I was doing it the "wrong" way, when I don't personally believe that there is any "wrong" way to absorb and process your emotions. I'm sure she meant well, but I deal with things my own way, and it works for me.
Yes. All of that. That's how I deal. The sign of weakness thing really got me too, because that's how I view it. And EXZACT about everyone else being all sad, and losing thier mind, who's to be the strong one? Yes. me.

Good to know someone else is like that.
That's why TCS is rad.
My Aunt is always sending me these "how to deal when a family member commits suicide" booklets. She tried sending me to classes, and all this stuff, and while that thought was appreciated, I do not like any of it. This was 7 years ago, and I still get them in the mail about every 2 months. It's just strange. I'm fine, I always was fine.

Well yay. You guys made me feel all kinds of better.
And dang, lots of you cry alot! What kind of makeup do you wear? I gotta know!
I have a friend who cries alot. All the time. But then she read a book, and she stopped crying. Like all together. It was strange.

I cry at like really "lovey" things. Like during Pirates 3, I balled when Will and her did the whole "marriage" thing on the boat like that, and towards the end.
post #12 of 28
Quote:
I cry at the drop of a hat at stupid things...movies, hallmark commercials, songs, you name it. But, when my parents died I didn't cry at either of their veiwings or funerals
That sounds a lot like me; even this thread is making me teary. I absolutely refuse to break down in public, tho. When my Dad died, I was so numb. I remember driving to my Mom's the next day and wondering why all the people passing by me couldn't tell how much I was hurting. I felt as if there was a huge black cloud surrounding me that everyone should be able to see. I didn't cry at the viewing, or the funeral, or the funeral Mass; I sat in the church between my Mom and my sister, one arm around each of them, trying to comfort them. At the cemetery I sat next to my Dad's sister and tried to help her. I was a rock. And I cry at EVERYTHING! A couple of weeks later I was home alone, watching 'Field of Dreams' on tv. At the end of the movie, when Ray's (Costner's character) Dad comes back and they play catch, I totally lost it. I bet I cried for a solid hour.

Everyone handles emotions in their own way. If you feel that you handle your emotions well, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
post #13 of 28
Well, I used to cry at everything. Seriously - everthing. And I realized that I was too emotional about the bad things, and I wasn't functioning when something went bad. I got on anti-depressants and though there have been ups and downs, what I'm on now allows me to feel "normal". I still have emotions (that was a problem with the last drug I was on), but they don't run my life.

No one can say that this is how you're "supposed" to deal with things. Everyone is different, everyone grieves and processes things differently. I think it's horribly presumptuous for anyone to assume they know how you should deal with things like death.
post #14 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mirinae View Post
.... I also am often in a position where someone needs to be strong and get things done, and that person typically ends up being me -- so I can't afford to lose it and act out on my emotions. When the "bad stuff" is over, I allow myself time to process and vent, but so long as people need taking care of, I can be a bit of a machine about it.

When I was younger, I cried at the drop of a hat. Any hat. I was overly sensitive about everything, and consequently, I got picked on. A lot. So I toughened up and kept it all in -- the end result being, of course, that now I just don't cry or emote much at all, and people tend to think I'm not dealing "appropriately" or that at some point I'm going to explode with all these pent-up emotions. I can't help it; in a sense, I view crying and losing my temper as a sign of weakness, because that's how people treated me when I did it when I was younger -- they treated me like I was weak. I hated being perceived that way, so now I keep it all inside (and instead I'm viewed as being cold, emotionless, sometimes even heartless)...
When I was a child, I was always crying too. My parents used to tease me that my tear ducts were too big and too close to my eyeballs. My dad was always yelling at me to CONTROL YOUR EMOTIONS, DON'T LET THEM CONTROL YOU. Consequently, as an adult, I'm also viewed as being emotionless and weak because even tho I feel everything, no one knows it. When I get angry, I cry. It is a weakness to show anger or to admit it. So I've never admitted to a boyfriend that he has made me angry. I get "hurt" by their bad treatment of me.

It took a LOT of self therapy to admit to myself what the cause was and to allow myself to emote. Which is a problem since I'm an actress in my part time job!


PS...as to the title of this thread, my answer is YES WE DO...SOMETIMES MORE THAN THE LITTLE GIRLS DO. WE JUST DO IT FOR DIFFERENT REASONS.
post #15 of 28
I'm very much a cryer unless I'm very very sad, then no tears ever come.
post #16 of 28
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sweets View Post

PS...as to the title of this thread, my answer is YES WE DO...SOMETIMES MORE THAN THE LITTLE GIRLS DO. WE JUST DO IT FOR DIFFERENT REASONS.
I know this silly. I just wanted to think of a good title. And I like it.
post #17 of 28
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by valanhb View Post
Well, I used to cry at everything. Seriously - everthing. And I realized that I was too emotional about the bad things, and I wasn't functioning when something went bad. I got on anti-depressants and though there have been ups and downs, what I'm on now allows me to feel "normal". I still have emotions (that was a problem with the last drug I was on), but they don't run my life.

No one can say that this is how you're "supposed" to deal with things. Everyone is different, everyone grieves and processes things differently. I think it's horribly presumptuous for anyone to assume they know how you should deal with things like death.
That's how my friend was. She read this book, and I actually think the name of it was "Don't sweat the small stuff."
Then she read another one I believe in that series of books, called "Don't sweat the small stuff in love"
She changed alot after that. I do not read much, because I don't think I absorb it like I should, but I've never seen someone change so much after reading a book.
post #18 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilleah View Post
I know this silly. I just wanted to think of a good title. And I like it.
I have the song stuck in my head now.

Frankie Vallie - Big Girls don't Cry

post #19 of 28
I cry a lot. Everyone has differrent ways of dealing with these things.
post #20 of 28
I'm a big cryer, though I try to pretend I'm not. So I'll go and pretend that everything's okay until something little happens and I'll start crying at the most inappropriate time possible. I sort of wish things were different, but that's just the way I am right now and I've got to learn to deal with it.

I don't think there's any "right" or "wrong" way to deal with issues (a long as you're not doing anything terribly destructive, of course ) so I think it's terrible for someone to tell you that you're not dealing with your emotions properly. Frankly, it's none of their business. You sound like you've got your life well under control and if (if) there ever comes a point when you think you haven't properly felt things from the past, you can deal with it then.
post #21 of 28
I cry over deaths, and if I was close to the animal or human, I cry whenever I want and I don't care what others think. I don't hold it back and I don't lose control.

Other things, I try to deal with logically and reasonably. If I'm not allowed to do that, I get angry. But that usually scares people.
post #22 of 28
I cry over deaths- whether my grandmother or my mouse- but pretend to be tough. Which makes it difficult because the other thing I cry over is when I get angry! When I'm mad, I cry. Some people yell, or punch things... I cry! It's embarassing...

But as everyone has said, each person feels and expresses emotions in their own ways. No one's "right", we're all just ourselves.
post #23 of 28
You sound reasonably normal to me! Sometimes when the hit is just too big to handle, our minds protect us from it by throwing up that "denial" thing as long as possible, and then the "okay it happened let's move on" thing that follows. It's a coping mechanism, and a pretty good one, as coping mechanisms go. It works with big things and little things alike.

Example of a Little Thing:
A couple of years ago while my brother and I were making a bunch of pizzas from scratch (part of a little family ritual we've had since childhood), I took a perfect, bubbling cheese pizza out of the oven and showed it to him: "Is that beautiful or what?" Then I lost my grip and dropped it upside down on the floor.

While my brother stomped and cussed and pitched a fit, I just calmly scooped the mess into the trash can and started making another pizza. It did no good to get upset... why waste the energy?

That sounds to me like something you might do, and I think that's very healthy.

Example of a Big Thing:
About ten years ago, I was in love. I'd been in love for exactly one week, with someone I'd met on the internet a couple of months earlier. We were planning to meet in a month or so. But then one day on the phone, we started talking about our appearance, and I admitted to him that I was overweight. "By how much?" he asked. I was actually about 35 pounds overweight at that time, but I fudged and told him, "I need to lose about 30 pounds."

He was so aghast that he could not conceal his horror. "Thirty pounds? That much, really?" He couldn't figure out what to say, so he hemmed and hawed, and finally he said, "I wish I could tell you it doesn't matter to me, but... thirty pounds... I've got to think about this, okay? Let me get used to this idea." Click.

I felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach. I slid out of the chair onto my knees and sobbed aloud for twenty minutes. I kept waiting for it to pass, waiting to get control... but I was just completely grief-stricken.

I knew if I didn't get a grip, I'd slide down into deep depression again, fall apart, lose my job... it would all go to pieces, and I couldn't afford that. So I thought, "What's a more constructive way to deal with this awful feeling? What do other people do when they feel like this?"

And the first thought that came to mind was, "They write blues songs!" So that's what I did. I grabbed my guitar and started to play in the time-honored key of E, and sure enough, a song happened. And to my surprise, it was not a mournful song, but a wry little lyric that put his over-reaction into perspective and actually made me smile. And after that, I was able to go on with life.

Anyway, it sounds to me like you're doing fine. It would be good, though, if you had at least one person you could pour it all out to... I'm lucky enough to have that, and it really helps sometimes.

You do have us, though!
post #24 of 28
I am sorry for the loss of your dad. I don't cry over little things often at all. In my teen years crying felt good, it just felt good, like a release. But as an adult I don't cry that much. But I will go ahead and cry whenever the mood strikes me if I am driving alone or at my home. I try not to dwell on the really bad/sad things, but sometimes you will see or hear something that will cause tears.

I went to a funeral recently, it was a lot for me to take in, on one hand it was a celebration of life, the service was very well done with lots of caring and love. The person was a wonderful person, had a long life, lots of loved ones, and was a good person.

On the other hand it really blew my mind to see life going on as usual that day, people visiting, people laughing, kids running around and playing, just life in general. I felt like the world should stop, but it never did. It amazed me how well people in general moved on or at least appeared to be. Personally, I am still trying to sort it all out. It might take awhile.
post #25 of 28
I cry very easily at sad TV shows or movies...or watching things like animal miracles on animal planet. I cry reading a sad or moving poem or story....I am a big cry baby!

When something happens like someone dies or a pet dies sometimes I cry like a baby right away....sometimes I go numb at first and break down crying later when I am alone.
post #26 of 28
I will cry at a song on the radio or a scene in a movie but never in front of people. I get upset about bills/money issues but again never in front of anyone.

I have been upset for weeks since I lost my Jasper but my BF nor my daughter have seen me cry about it even though I have many many times. I have not even told anyone at work because I don't want to talk about it. I guess that is my way of dealing. I keep things inside and then let them out when no one else is around.

I have been to many funerals but only cried at two of them.

One was my brother and the other my grandfather.

I sometimes feel very hard inside at times that I don't get upset about things that others do.

I guess that is one thing that makes us all different.
post #27 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kaylacat View Post
I cry very easily at sad TV shows or movies...or watching things like animal miracles on animal planet. I cry reading a sad or moving poem or story....I am a big cry baby!

When something happens like someone dies or a pet dies sometimes I cry like a baby right away....sometimes I go numb at first and break down crying later when I am alone.
I'm a lot like this. I cry during movies (more so when I'm alone). I cried when I dropped Princess off at the vet for her spay. I can't read the forum where people post when their pet has passed away without bawling. I cried when I watched the news unfold during 9/11...

But during funerals, I break down at some points and at other points, like the viewing, I am just fine.

Basically I'm a big baby
post #28 of 28
At funerals and things I have this horrible tenancy to laugh. That's just how I grieve. I'll cry in private but laugh when it comes to the public moments. I think it's because it's so emotional to me I just shut down and can't deal with the raw pain anymore.
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