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Had to share this with everyone

post #1 of 7
Thread Starter 
I usually wouldnt post these, but I laughed pretty good and thought you would all realy like this.
> Subject: Who Can Identify w/This?
> Subject: The Class Reunion
> I had prepared for it like any "intelligent"
> woman would. I went on a
> starvation diet the day before, knowing that all the
> extra weight would just
> melt off in 24-hours, leaving me with my
> high-school-girl body. The last many
> years of careful cellulite
> collection would just be gone with a snap of a
> finger. I knew if I didn't eat
> a morsel
> on Friday, that I could probably fit into my senior
> formal on Saturday.
> Trotting up to the attic, I pulled the gown
> out of the garment bag,
> carried it lovingly downstairs, ran my hand over the
> fabric, and hung it on
> the door. I stripped naked, looked in the mirror,
> sighed, and thought, "Well,
> okay, maybe if I shift it all
> to the back." Bodies never have pockets where you
> need them.
> Bravely, I took the gown off the hanger,
> unzipped the shimmering dress
> and stepped gingerly into it. I struggled, twisted,
> turned, and pulled and I
> got the formal all the way up to my knees before the
> zipper gave out. I was
> disappointed. I wanted to wear that dress with those
> silver platform sandals
> again and dance the night away.
> Okay, one setback was not going to spoil my
> mood for this affai! No
> way! Rolling the dress into a ball and tossing it
> into the corner, I turned
> to Plan B. The
> black velvet caftan. I gathered up all the goodies
> that I had purchased at
> the drug store; the scented shower gel; the body
> building and highlighting
> shampoo &
> conditioner, and the split end killer and shine
> enhancer. Soon my hair
> would look like that girl's in the Pantene ads. Then
> the makeup - the under
> eye "ain't
> no lines here" firming cream, the all day
> face-lifting gravity fighting
> moisturizer with wrinkle filler spackle; the all day
> "kiss me till my lips
> bleed, and see if this gloss will come off"
> lipstick, the bronzing face
> powder for that special glow...but first, the
> roll-on facial hair remover. I
> could feel the wrinkles shuddering in fear.
> OK - time to get ready...I jumped into the
> steaming shower, soaped,
> lathered, rinsed, shaved, tweezed, buffed, scrubbed,
> and scoured my body to
> a tingling pink. I plastered my freshly rubbed face
> with the anti-wrinkle,
> gravity fighting, "your face will look like a baby's
> butt" face cream. I set
> my hair on the hot rollers. I felt wonderful. Ready
> to take on the world. Or
> in this instance, my underwear
> With the towel firmly wrapped around my
> glistening body, I pulled out
> the black, lacy, tummy-tucking, cellulite-pushing,
> hamhock-rounding girdle,
> and the matching "lifting those bosoms like they're
> filled with helium" bra.
> I greased my body with the
> scented body lotion and begin the plunge. I pulled,
> stretched, tugged,
> hiked, folded, tucked, twisted, shimmied, hopped,
> pushed, wiggled, snapped,
> shook, caterpillar crawled, and kicked. Sweat poured
> off my forehead, but I
> was done. And it didn't
> look bad.
> So I rested. A well deserved rest, too. The
> girdle was on my body.
> Bounce a
> quarter off my behind? It was tighter than a
> trampoline. Can you say, "Rubber
> baby buggy bumper butt?"
> Okay, so I had to take baby steps, and walk
> sideways, and I couldn't
> move from my butt cheeks to my knees. But I was
> firm!
> Oh no ... I had to go to the bathroom. And
> there wasn't a snap crotch.
> From now on undies gotta have a snap crotch. I was
> ready to rip it open and
> re-stitch the crotch with Velcro. But the pain
> factor from past experiments
> was still fresh in my mind. I quickly side stepped
> to the bathroom. An hour
> later, I had answered nature's
> call and repeated the struggle into the girdle.
> I was ready for the bra.I remembered what the
> saleslady said to do. I
> could see her glossed lips mouthing, "Do not fasten
> the bra in the front, and
> twist it around -- put the bra on the way it
> should be worn -- straps over
> the shoulders, bend over and
> gently place both breasts inside the cups."Easy if
> you have four hands. But,
> with
> confidence, I put my arms into the holsters, bent
> over and pulled the bra
> down ... but the boobs weren't cooperating. I'd no
> sooner tuck one in a cup,
> and while placing the other, the first would slip
> out. I needed a strategy. I
> bounced up, and down a few
> times, tried to dribble them in with short bunny
> hops, but that didn't work.
> So while bent over, I began rocking gently back and
> forth on my heel and toes
> and I set 'em to swinging.'Finally, on the fourth
> swing, pause, and lift! I
> captured the gliding glands. Quickly fastening the
> back of the bra, I stood
> up for examination. Back straight,
> slightly arched, I turned and faced the mirror,
> turning front, and then
> sideways. I
> smiled. Yes, Houston, we have lift up! My breasts
> were high, firm and there
> was cleavage!
> I was happy until I tried to look down. I had
> a chinrest. And I
> couldn't see my feet. Istill had to put on my
> pantyhose, and shoes. Why did I
> buy heels with buckles?
> And then I had to pee again.
> Think I'll go fix myself a drink and skip the
> %#$@! reunion.
post #2 of 7
That's for the giggle Sandie I definitely got a kick out it.
post #3 of 7
A bit depressing (maybe because it's too close to the truth )
post #4 of 7
That's a riot!
Didn't depress me at all-when you've been to your 40th you really don't care anymore.
post #5 of 7
That was so funny! I skipped my reunoin due to the fact that I didnt want to see how good the other females I went to school with or hear them brag about there wonderful life!I also had went from 92lbs in school to 178 lbs right when the registration form showed up in the mail! It was a quick "I dont think so" fallowed by a ripping of the invitation! Well I have since then took off 70 of those added pounds and feel alot better! I am still not brave enough to go to a reunion though!
post #6 of 7
Oh Ash!!!!! I loved your post!!!!!! And totally relate.....reunions suck!! I will be out of school 17 years this month..... :puke: :puke: :puke: ......what no similie for that one????????????????????? LOL
post #7 of 7
I have been out of school for 11 years now! I do not miss it! I never fit in then and I still dont! I bumped into some old classmates this weekend and felt more ackward(sp) then ever! The only thing I had in common with one of them is we both have kids that are 9 now! Well I can only imagine how out of place I would feel with all 230 of them! Very large class of '90! The rest of them were as snobby (sp)as ever! Well that just proves that I dont need to go!
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