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Living with the alpha male who is useless. Only if you need something long to read.

post #1 of 5
Thread Starter 
it's five degrees, if i rug up anymore i will not be able to move. My of a father has a thing that i am not allowed to eat in my room, he made this rule when we moved here almost a year ago. I dont leave dishes in here and maybe ONE cup!!! I havent been that lazy since i was a teen. Now on the other hand HE is allowed to eat at his computer where he risks spilling stuff on his computer and the carpet. I have not once spilt anything in the lounge where i usually eat (unless i sneak in here in my room) but since we moved we have had new various stains pop up, he has big feet and is lazy and puts his drinks on the floor sometimes or he knocks it off the coffee table. Tea and hot milo and BIG stains. And I'M the one he tells off. I try to be fastidiousely clean. he leaves his cups and plates anywhere he likes, he is always stealing the tea towel and never returns it so i have to walk down the other end of the house hands dripping on the floor. He leaves eggs shells, glad wrap, used tea bags and cheese wrappers in the cups on the sink, and he tells me off for not putting something like that in the bin when im done and calls me lazy. The sink and the bin are a metre apart. When the toilet rolls are low or empty i replace them. He ALWAYS leaves two squares of toilet paper on the roll and the toilet roll holder on the floor empty as well. The rolls are stored in the other bathroom which mum mainly uses not us. When the holder is empty he will place is outside the toilet door for me to refill. He also leaves the empty rolls in the toilet. All of these things which he has told me many times not to do and that i am lazy...I am 23. I do my bit, more than my bit. Why is he doing this to me?? Not to mention if he gets angry at me he yells at me that if i dont like it i can leave when he knows damn well i am looking for work and i cannot move out of the house at this time!!! He does it to taunt me and it works. Dad doesnt work and says the agencies are all useless and that he needs a holiday blabla. He works on his computer pretty much 24/7 which is HIS choice. He does NOT need a holiday. He programs and makes little programs on his computer which he has not got one single cent out of. I tell him he should get out of the house and finda new church or somewhere for coffee and meet new people but he doesnt want to. He says he can only program better on the pc at night because mum and i are asleep and he can concentrate and i feel like im a burden for breathing. He even wears these grotty earmuffs (ones people wear when say use a chainsaw) to block out the world. The tiniest things annoy him, if i drop the toilet lid closed instead of being gentle, if when im washing dishes dropping all the dirty cutlery into the sink is fine, but if i make one little tapping noise (cleaning ceramic pot which is slippery to hold and taps against the steel sink when i turn it to clean it) or opening the top kitchen drawer which does not come out perfectly as the rollers are short, and it drops down and it makes ONE little noise, he yells at me to be gentle and that im wrecking the house. He slams doors, he yells, he makes more noise than i do. Why is there no line? I am no longer a teenager, all of these things he does i cannot tell him or complain because he will yell at me and tell me not to talk back and be a smart arse. Hes not being a parent he is being a control freak. As mum works full time she has no say and doesnt see what he is like. Ive complained to Tristan but also let him form his own opinion when he comes over here, and he can see what my father is like. Dad is always bi***ing and moaning about me slowly improving, if i wash the dishes he is like 'wow, that should happen more often, its amazing!!!!" so even if ive done it a million times when its needed, his opinion doesnt change. He is always belittling me and irritating me. Making me feel like a little kid again. I dont love him in fact i loathe him, and i have for many years. I just want some respect or recognition that in the many years ive spent looking after myself and doing my duties in the house that he's never seen it. Another thing he does is when he is bored will randomly come up to my door, and like a puppy scratch and rub his hands against the door to make loud annoying noises (which he did while i was trying to type this) and makes stupid voices or comments like a child would (he is pushing 50). This is not humour or intelligence its attention getting. But if he is busy programming i come up to the door and knock like a polite person does and half the time he ignores me or gets angry at interrupting him!

The whole thing that started this thread was that i needed to hve some food, it is now 1:30pm and i should have had breakfast and lunch. I went out this morning for a few hours and he was still asleep when i got back. It is that time of the month so my uterus is telling me when i should and shouldnt eat. I grabbed the roast and butters and was going to make some lamb sandwiches, he knows its freezing as soon as i pull this stuff out that i NEED to eat, he walks down the hall and turns the heating on. We have ducted (in the old house we had a fireplace) in my bedroom the duct is uinder my desk at my feet, if i am making my food i have to eat it in the lounge. The lounge is big and open and the heating does not make any difference there. So now i am sitting here absolutely starving but with warm feet.

I know this is a huge complaint but i am so sick of being treated like crap. I am also pitching in money to mum every fornight for board. Dad doesnt even do that as he shares mums bank account everything he buys comes from her. While i am lokoing for work i get money. I go to every single appointment, do every single form for jobseaching and stuff. Even if ive been sick ive come into appointments i answer to numerous people. Why cant he just see that i am going to die from stress because of him and he knows i have no backup plan yet, i cannot move.

I feel like im going to be sick.
post #2 of 5
Oh hon, I don't know what to say, except you are in my thoughts. I don't think there is any advice I can give you. Sounds like a bad position any way you look at it. All I can tell you is we are here when you need to vent.
post #3 of 5
all, i can say i once, i had to move back home with my family, when i was around 26 full a few months, Some of the rules where the same, not allowed to take a drink to my room, heck i got yelled at, for using the silverware and, so i used to buy plastic ones. I payed rent, how i was there 200 a month.
finally i got feed up and told them they could take the money and leave me alone, or if i was expected to obey dumb rules they could forget there money,make a choice and pick one.

how that worked for me, i dont know about you, HUG but unless everyone in the family tells him enough is enough and the BS stops, he will keep doing it,
But really maybe its time to start looking for a way to move out.?
good luck
post #4 of 5
Oh darlin', I feel your pain. Without going into too much detail... I'm living with my parents, too, mostly because of my father's health. I know just how all the little tiny annoyances pile one on top of another until everyone is on edge all the time. It seems as if no good deed goes unpunished... you can't satisfy anyone, no matter how sincerely you try... oh yes, I know the feeling.

It sounds to me like your father has some emotional problems... and since you're right there in the house much of the time, you're the most convenient target for his frustration. If it's any consolation to you, I really doubt that your dad's behavior means that he dislikes you or wants to hurt you -- I think it just means that he's a tormented individual who could use professional counseling and productive work.

You probably already know that the best solution for you is to get out as soon as you can. If the job market is impossible where you are, maybe you can find a way to move to another city. But you have to get away from your folks, so you can go ahead and start being who you're going to be on your own, y'know?

In the meantime, the calmer and quieter you are, the better. If an argument breaks out and your father can't calm down and talk with you rationally, just say, "Let's talk about this later," and leave the room -- don't be drawn into a loud confrontation.

And if it's possible to talk with your father in some mode other than argument, that would be good for both of you. If you can find something to ask him about, something from your family's history or something he likes to do... if you can get him talking about something he feels good about, that might help ease the tension between you.

I hope something comes along for you soon, some wonderful job that will allow you and Charlie to get a place of your own! I feel sure that would allow you to rebuild a happier relationship with your dad. Until then, unload anytime.
post #5 of 5
Thread Starter 
The thing is we don't argue. And that is because he likes to have control. If i talk back or argue he gets in a very bad mood, yells at me, tells me where i can go and so when mum comes home that affects her too, so i have no choice but to be quiet. Its not one of those yelling households.
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