A friends' Personal Triumph

A dear cyber friend of mine recently gave me permission to post this. I was with her as she battled the demons in her life, having battled my own. Her personal story should give those of you courage who also have to walk a dark path for awhile. It is sometimes hard to see the light in such darkness, but she is a testament that it can be done. Now here is her story:

It was just a distracted moment during commercials. I tend to 'get into' my shows, so when a break came, I drifted off a bit ...

and I looked around my house, this beautiful, big, clean house ... so very far from the foul smelling matted-carpet 14x70 trailer I lived in just two years ago, and there is no dogsh*t on the couch, there is no coffee stain on the ceiling, there is no hole in the wall from rats chewing their way in or fists punching their way out ... and I just cried ...

and my children have everything they need, they are sleeping quietly in their own rooms; there is good food and nice clothing, and I don't have to dig through a dumpster to find something salvageable to sell to make ends meet ...

and day after day goes by with no one yelling at me, no one calling me vile, hateful names, no one threatening me or my pets or my family, and it is just so quiet ... no screeching music, no blaring TV, there is nothing to drown out so that the neighbors can't hear ...

and I'm not working now but I'm in college, and averaging a 3.5 or better in all of my classes, and I have compliments from my classmates on my work; even from my teachers ... and I think of how far this is from being told I am stupid, ignorant, lazy, worthless, irresponsible, incompetent ...

and I cried some more because just two years ago I had no idea how horrible my life was ... it was just my life, what I was told I had brought upon myself, what I deserved for any and all wrongs I had committed, real or imagined ... and how hard it was to walk away from 'all I had' when in fact, I had nothing; less than nothing, I had no self-esteem, no dreams left, no pride; only fear of change.

I don't know what I did to deserve the many blessings bestowed on me and my family since I left that 14x70 prison cell. Sometimes I still don't feel like I deserve all I enjoy, and I have to try and remind myself that I am not the person (ex-husband) tried to make me think I was. Sometimes I still question how a wonderful, kind, passionate man can love me completely, unconditionally, and deeply, flawed as I am. But my sweet (boyfriend) does.

~~~

There is a lot more to my story, of course. I'll stand on top of a mountain and shout it to the world if it would help just one more person get out of the place that I was in only two years ago.


Here is a link to help explain the darkness that surrounded me:



Buttercup Loves Wesley

Wow. That had me in tears. Although I'll never be trapped in a 14x70 prison, I know how it is to travel a dark road to get to where I am.

Thank you for posting that. Recently, I've felt the need to express how thankful I am to have the life that I do. Now, I plan on trying to complain less and to celebrate more. Thanks again, Hissy.

That was unbelievably touching. Thank you!

I'm not one of those who needs this story and testament now - but I could have used it well 10 - 14 years ago. Although I really don't know if I would have "seen" myself in it back then....it's hard to see through that fog with no/low self-esteem.

Yup. It's hard. But it can be done. My situation wasn't as abusive as "Buttercup's" (I love the Princess Bride!), but it was just as difficult to get out of. I left once before leaving for good. Mine lasted two weeks. And I too, found true and unconditional love in my high school sweetheart. He's not perfect, and our relationship isn't perfect. But we're in love and most importantly, we're in respect. And tho we live, work and spend 24/7 together, I'm so my own person making my own choices (and mistakes without fear) now.

How wonderfully written. Mary Anne, thank you for sharing. She seems like a wonderful person. Her story made me ache. You can pass along one thought from me to her if you are so inclined or have the time.

I don't know what I did to deserve the many blessings bestowed on me and my family since I left that 14x70 prison cell. Sometimes I still don't feel like I deserve all I enjoy, and I have to try and remind myself that I am not the person (ex-husband) tried to make me think I was.

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This is lovely. Humble. But it is what she did that enabled her to turn her life around, and it shouldn't be...overlooked. It IS true that she created the situation she was in. She allowed it to happen. So did I, so did we all. And the power of "self" is in the change. And while she wasn't the person her ex-husband tried to make her think she was - she, like me, stayed in that situation because somehow, inside, she didn't believe she deserved better. It is our (lack of ) sense of self-worth that keeps us in a fog, and it is our (discovery of a) sense of self-worth that gets us out of it. So while it is sweet to be humble, I think it is more important to give credit to the impetus of change in our lives: our sense of self-worth. Our ability to believe that we deserve to be happy.

We (women? All people?) so often confuse being self-ful with being self-ish (and controlling people around us certainly make it even more difficult). However, one has to have a self to stand up for, to demand respect, and to believe that we deserve to be happy in order to create that place in our lives. What your friend did to deserve what she now has in her life started with the belief that she deserved it. And that is often the hardest step of all.

This Thanksgiving one of the things I was thankful for was "Hope". Buttercup brings up an important point. I've just added "Faith" and "Belief" to my list of things for which I'm thankful. Please thank her for reminding me.

I sure hope something good happens to me and my family. I dunno how many more years of this I am suppose to put up with. It's getting to the point where I am just mostly bitter now.

But hurray for her, and makes me realize even more that I am doomed to forever be a jinx.

But hurray for her, and makes me realize even more that I am doomed to forever be a jinx.

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Angelz00,

I hope you don't think this is too presumptuous, but no one is doomed to be a jinx forever, or even at all. I've had bad relationships (thankfully not physically abusive, but I've been in verbally and mentally and emotionally and spiritually abusive relationships, and that in some ways is a lot worse), but I do believe, in the deepest part of me, that everyone deserves the best for themselves. For me, the best right now is being single. Some may look at me and say "Here is a 32 year old woman, what the h##l is she doing alone?" My response is "Yeah, I may be single. But I know what I deserve and I'm not going to settle for anything less."

I hope you don't think this is mean or confrontational. It's just that when I see that someone feels like they are the problem, I want them to see that the solution lies within them and they are not the problem.

Christy

Okee: Well I don't want to turn this thread into a sob story for me, because I hate that stuff.

But I've had more than my fair share of pretty much everything to happen to me, and I'm only 21!!
Until recently I just always though that I was dealt a bad piece of the cake, everything was just coincidence. But now I realize that THIS MANY coincidences don't just happen to one person! And it effects the people around me who I start to get really close to as well.

So, I don't think it's anything really wrong with me, I don't think it's something I'm doing on purpose, heck I can't even figure out for the life of me what I have ever possibly done to deserve any of this. So, now I just say I'm jinxed... just jinxed.

Oh I also wanted to say that if your a 32 year old who isn't married THATS FINE. If that's how you are, and enjoy your life as suited, then good for you.

Like I said, often the hardest step of all is feeling like one deserves better. That includes not feeling doomed to some fate.

Life can be ugly. Very ugly. But the beautiful thing about it is that it changes each moment. And it's important to believe in that. And to have faith that hapiness exists. To have the belief that we deserve it, and hope that we will find that place in ourselves that gets us there. Hope, faith, and belief form the motivation to make changes in our lives.

Originally posted by AngelzOO
Until recently I just always though that I was dealt a bad piece of the cake, everything was just coincidence. But now I realize that THIS MANY coincidences don't just happen to one person! And it effects the people around me who I start to get really close to as well.

So, I don't think it's anything really wrong with me, I don't think it's something I'm doing on purpose, heck I can't even figure out for the life of me what I have ever possibly done to deserve any of this. So, now I just say I'm jinxed... just jinxed.

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I don't know what kind of bad things are happening in your life, so I don't know whether what I have to say applies to you or not...

I just had to respond to this, and I hope I am not being too intrusive, but....when we find ourselves in situations in which bad stuff keeps happening over and over again; there is a good chance that there are choices we are making that are not healthy ones. Not that we are to blame for the bad things that happen to us (especially for child abuse or sexual assaults), but that there might be points where we could make different choices that would lead us down a healthy rather than unhealthy path. For example, if you keep ending up with men who treat you badly, chances are that you don't have a good a$$hole radar and therefore, you are accidentally choosing to be with jerks rather than avoiding them. But....it is real difficult to see our own unhealthy choices (ever notice how easy it is to see when friends are making mistakes in their lives, but we don't see our own errors until years later?). Finding a good counselor/therapist who can help you figure out what role your own choices and behaviors are playing in the patterns that are so painful for you can be a real lifesaver. And...at 21 you are so very young. You have another 70 to 80 years to live, so finding a therapist who can help you break away from the patterns that are jinxing you will change the next 70 to 80 years from being hellish to being a real joy!

Please don't just shrug your shoulders and give up! With support from friends and perhaps a good shrink, your life can turn into something you relish with real joy!

And...one thing for all of us to keep in mind is that it is better to be an old but happy single woman than to be an old but miserable married woman!

Let me just add this to what lotsocats said.

When I was 21 I was in dire straights. Married to an abusive man- controlled to the point that I thought his sick behavior was "normal." Immersed into a drug culture that sickens me to this day. How I did not die is beyond me. But, like my friend in this story. I woke up one morning and what I saw was not pretty- it was "reality" mine. I stopped the drugs that day- got a black eye for my heroics. My husband was so immersed in chemicals he too lost touch with the human side. It was tough decision to make because of the opposition I faced. There was no drug intervention program, no recovery center. It was just time for me to wake up and walk away. The walking away part took longer and was helped along by outside forces. I made it ten years before I reached the breaking point.

So Angel, you are not a jinx. Your story when you finally are able to tell it will prove a learning experience for those who lived or are living through it. If I can get out of the darkness that consumed me, and my friend could escape hers with two children in tow, so can you.

But I do think I diserve better, always have, and I feel that there is other forms of greater happiness out there waiting for me. And I try to be happy with what I already have.

I can't for the life of me, figure out things I have done to diserve most of what has fallen upon me, be it bad decisions, or just bad luck. But if something really good is eventually going to happen and STAY, I can't forsee what it is, or when, or if it will even really happen.
But reading things like this, and how someone else with a formally shitty life was able to make it through 'eventually', is one of the few things that makes me still kick around on this earth, thinking maybe one day it will happen to me. If not then I will die a very sour person, all the while laughing. I've sought after many things, to help myself, or my situation, but then again, there's that jinxed part about me which makes every thing fall short.

I don't feel it's impossible for there to be a person who is truly jinxed, nothing is impossible. Even my fiance is starting to kid me about it, and I know that deep down, he might feel it's true.

Hissy, the story of Buttercup was so touching!!!! I have been where she was at, and I am so happy for her that she got out of it and can see a light at the end of the tunnel. Even now I find myself fighting to keep my life (marriage) from going back to the way it was the first time I was married. I see alot of the same signs occurring, but this time, I won't sit back and close my eyes and hope it stops...I will do something about it. I will fight to make my marriage better, or else I will get out. Life is way too short to be unhappy forever. Of course this is easier said than done.

Angelzoo, I am sorry to hear you have such terible problems in your life, especially as young as you are....but if you have a fiance, and if he treats you really good, it can't be all bad, is it? If you need to talk more...we are always here to listen and try to help. You can even PM me if you want to talk in private about it. i may not be online for a few days, but would get back to you as soon as I could.
Just know that we do care.