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I've been given some information I dont want

post #1 of 26
Thread Starter 
I've been struggling with this all day - yesterday my friend called me to say she'd left her husband, dealt with that OK.
But.............and this is the hard bit, her husband rang me to tell me she had gone, but shes gone to live with another woman, now don't get me wrong, I'm not at all bothered that shes gone with a woman - the thing I'm struggling with is she told me it was another man

Jeese what do I do I don't want to break his confidence, but I want to support my friend too - maybe she'll tell me, but I know this will come out in the end then they'll be a load more problems - you know she'll know I knew and why didnt I say anything, heck its all whizzing around my head like nothing - just getting stuck really....sorry if its sounds a bit confused, but guess that where I'm with it all.......so I wondered what you guys thought

oh BTW, I totally believe the husband cos I know the woman shes gone off with and recognise the situations he's related to me..........you know too many things adding up.......thoughts, advise.......
post #2 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by mooficat View Post
I'm not at all bothered that shes gone with a woman - the thing I'm struggling with is she told me it was another man
Hmm, it's a bad situation all around. I always feel for the people that end up getting in the middle of such matters.

I am thinking maybe she tried to soften the blow for you.. or perhaps she wasn't ready to tell you she is gay?

I wish I had some good advice to offer. I hope it all works out somehow in the end for everyone involved.
post #3 of 26
She's probably feeling horrible about leaving her husband, and is to embarrassed to tell people she's left him for another woman. She'll tell you when she's ready.
post #4 of 26
I would tell her you know, that it doesn't make any difference to you, but that you are hurt that she couldn't trust you with the truth or felt that you would be judgemental.
post #5 of 26
Anakat has good advice. Not the choice you would make with your life, but she still is your friend.
post #6 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by Anakat View Post
I would tell her you know, that it doesn't make any difference to you, but that you are hurt that she couldn't trust you with the truth or felt that you would be judgemental.


BUT - she's already dealing with some tough emotions, so please be gentle about the "I'm hurt" part.

And I'm really glad that you can still be there for her without being judgemental about it. You're an awesome person, Ann.
post #7 of 26
Just be a friend to both of them and pretend that you believe what each of them tells you to be the truth. She may have valid reasons for not having told you right off, and as long as you know what's going on, you can keep your head above the water. Don't break his confidence. She'll probably come around to telling you when she's ready, but you might want to bring up something that would naturally lead into that conversation, and make yourself seem amenable to that lifestyle ... so.. bring up some news item or something that might relate, like you saw that this gay couple broke up, or that so and so was dating so and so and say something like "I'm sorry to hear that they broke up. I thought they made a nice couple." Or in the case of someone dating someone.. well, I'm so glad they feel like they can be open about it..there are too many people out there these days that still feel like they have to hide.

Her biggest issue is probably how people will react to it. If this is the first time she's done something like this, and hasn't ever revealed herself to be in the lifestyle before, then she's going to be worried about how people react and isn't going to have any experience with handling that end of it. I think it's probably that she's more worried about how you'll react and that she may lose a friend rather than she's trying to hide it from you because she doesn't trust you.

I'd just sit on it for awhile.. give it a little time, and see what happens. And if she says something about you having already known.. just say, well, I did, and I thought maybe you needed some time to figure things out and I was happy to wait until you were ready to tell me. I didn't want you to feel like I was judging you or pressuring you. And I think she'll appreciate that. I would, at least?
post #8 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by CatsAreBetter View Post
Just be a friend to both of them and pretend that you believe what each of them tells you to be the truth.
Absolutely! I had a similar situation once, and since it made no difference in how I felt about the people involved, I just did my best to forget I'd ever heard the information. I really think that's the most honorable thing to do.
post #9 of 26
Thread Starter 
thanks all
I really dont have any issue with her lifestyle and I do want to be there for BOTH of them.
I have known them for over 15 yrs now, so they are both very good friends........I did ring her today just to say I hoped she was OK and that I was here if she needed me - albeit in another country - but I told her she can come here if she needed some space to think about things. She still talked about the other man and she did ask me if I'd spoken to her husband , which of course I didn't deny, so I feel bad that I didnt mention it then.....oh heck ...........well I'm off to bed - some sleep is needed

a big thanks everyone, your comments have helped
post #10 of 26
Stay out of it. What is going on between them is none of your business, and they shouldn't be putting you in the middle.

Obviously both feel you are a confident, so it would be a terrible thing for you to start telling each of them what the other has said.

So far as her sex life is concerned, there is a reason she didn't tell you. Maybe she values you as a friend and feels that telling you she is a Lesbian would destroy your friendship. Let her tell you in her own time and don't press her about the issue.

Unfortunately there may come a time when it will be necessary to tell one or both that you don't feel comfortable with them having put you in the middle of their relationship problems because it isn't always possible to remain friends with both of the people from a broken relationship.
post #11 of 26
As others have said, just be a friend and listen
I once was on the same end as the husband. My ex husband was gay but, didnt tell me until 4 yrs after we were married. It's a tough blow to take. Not just the fact that she left, but it also damages your ego
My ex has not told his family he's gay and probably never will. She may not want to her you or might think you wouldn't be her friend. I would just tell her your her friend and she can talk to you about anything.
post #12 of 26
What a tough situation to be in.

My thoughts are... maybe call the hubby and ask him if it's OK for you to say he told you she left for another woman.

It's terrible being stuck in the middle - but with your friend just digging the lie in deeper, it's going to be that much more difficult for her to deal with you truthfully.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GingersMom View Post
...BUT - she's already dealing with some tough emotions, so please be gentle about the "I'm hurt" part....
...and though it's natural for you to feel hurt, I have to agree. I can't imagine what it's like to think I'm straight, get married, then discover that I'm in love with another woman. It must have been hard for her to deal with with just herself - let alone the people she loves and cares about - and doesn't want to lose.

I'd take a "be gentle" approach. But I'd do what I could to help her out of having to continue lying.



Laurie
post #13 of 26
mooficat- I'd say nothing and continue to be supportive. The decision that she has made is one she might not be ready to come to terms with and may fear having to defend it. Give her time and I'm sure the truth will out. Til then have a hug
post #14 of 26
Thread Starter 
thanks guys I am feeling better about things today

I've dropped her an email today, just to say I am here anytime she needs to talk, that I support her and wasn't here to judge either her or her husband - stones and glasshouses and all that ! I obviously didn't mention what her husband had told me, so I'll leave it at that.

I do hope that she finds it in her heart to tell me, but I realise that she is struggling with it herself, she is from a large family so I guess theres lots of stuff flying about her own head too and a lot more other people to think & worry about I do know one of her sisters will give her a mega hard time about, just because thats how their relationship is.......ooo I do feel for her, she is certainly going through it at the moment

I'll be here whenever and whatever
post #15 of 26
Awww, she'll tell you when she is ready. You sound like a good friend to her, so she'll tell you soon I bet
post #16 of 26
Honestly, I think that's the best thing you can do. I realize that it might be a little hurtful to you, but given her situation and I think, probably extraordinary stress level, sometimes you sort of have to put your own feelings and issues aside and let the other person do what they need to do. Not always fair, but imo, that just sometimes comes with the territory when you're a friend.

I don't think it will take long, she needs a friend to lean on.
post #17 of 26
What to do. Hmm. first I think I would not discuss either of them with the other, and maybe even tell them that that is what you intend to do, because otherwise, they might be calling you to find out what the other is up to, and who knows what is down the line, property settlement, bank accounts etc.

I guess it is better to not tell her that the ex told you, and he may have had passive agressive motives for doing that.
He may have hoped you would say something to PO her. She may have even told him to keep it quiet, and she will tell whomever she wishes, when she is ready. and for that matter, it may be a big fat lie! You really do not know for sure.

I would invite her and her"boyfriend" over for a bbq, and see what happens.
post #18 of 26
When people are ready to come out, they almost always tell people they aren't very close to first. Sort of a practice run-- I've been, many times, that friend-of-a-friend or coworker or random person at a bar that has been one of the first people someone comes out to-- there isn't much at stake, the person doesn't have much interest in your life, etc. The people who are closest are usually the last ones someone comes out to, because it is so much more important.

So take it as a compliment, don't be hurt by it. It's a sign that your friendship is very very important to her.

As for her husband telling you all this stuff. Sometimes it's a great thing to have selective memory loss. Put it out of your mind, and when she is ready to tell you, she will.
post #19 of 26
Thread Starter 
Hows about this...........my friend has rung me to tell me she's going back to her husband - great, I am pleased if that is what she wants to do

No mention of the other woman, she still talks of a man

I've decided that I will just totally forget that I've been told about the other woman and hope that if it does come out in the future that I'll just be able to handle it as and when.

All rather strange really
post #20 of 26
Wow, that is odd... It's sure to make life interesting between them!
post #21 of 26
Maybe she wasn't with another woman, maybe she told you the truth and just said that to him. So maybe he wouldn't be as hurt/jealous/angry or whatever. Hopefully they can work things out... if it is worth working out.
post #22 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by Samantha1979 View Post
Maybe she wasn't with another woman, maybe she told you the truth and just said that to him. So maybe he wouldn't be as hurt/jealous/angry or whatever. Hopefully they can work things out... if it is worth working out.
or maybe that he would be MORE hurt????

Glad you have come to terms with it all, Ann. You're a good friend, to them both.
post #23 of 26
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Samantha1979 View Post
Maybe she wasn't with another woman, maybe she told you the truth and just said that to him. So maybe he wouldn't be as hurt/jealous/angry or whatever. Hopefully they can work things out... if it is worth working out.
Her husband is/was hurt, confused and angry so if it was a tactic it didn't work that well.
Anyway, I did think that in the beginning but after conversations with her husband and some of the things he mentioned, it all starting falling in place, situations where I have been with both women etc,....oh and I actually know the woman as well.

I do hope that they can work it out, its seems like its going to be tough though.
post #24 of 26
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by neetanddave View Post
or maybe that he would be MORE hurt????
he was, fancy all the questions etc that were racing around his head. I know I'd be all over the place if my DH left me for another man

Quote:
Originally Posted by neetanddave View Post
Glad you have come to terms with it all, Ann. You're a good friend, to them both.
thanks I really do want to be there for both of them.....I haven't got a clue how they are going to deal/cope with it.
post #25 of 26
Just saw this and thought it appropriate...

post #26 of 26
Well, I think you've been doing the right thing all along, in just letting them do their thing and tell you what and when they're ready. I hope it works for them.
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