OMFG. I think I am going to get sick. In just a few hours, we are heading over to MSU to put Ashie to sleep.
OMMMMMMGGGGGGGGGGGG..I can't believe I just typed that....it is real and this is horrible.
Last night I went upstairs where Ashie loved to be. Her chair was still covered in Ashie hair and as I stood up there I called out her name as if she were going to appear out of nowhere.
Is that insane? I was hysterical on the floor up there...laying next to her litter box and scrounging around in desperation trying to find all of the pictures I had and getting mad that I couldn't find the other ones I knew were taken. It was like 1am and in the meantime of this, my 3 year old and 5 mo old woke up screaming. My daughter (3yrs) yelled "DADDY....mommy is sad because of Ashie" and she was near hysterics herself (because of me).
Is that normal??? For someone to go and start calling for their cat knowing they aren't going to appear??? Looking at the chair and and saying things like "Ashie lays here. She belongs HERE. This is ASHIE'S chair!!! Ashie!!!!! COME HERE!!!!".
Really...is it???
THen I found myself looking online and the local shelter's available cats. When Angel died back in 2002, I found it to be very theraputic to visit the shelter and give love to those animals...and when my mother adopted one 12 days after Angel died, it was bitter sweet....it was weird and strange, but pretty..well, theraputic.
So how come I felt somewhat ok with it, but then started to feel incredibly SICKENED and closed out sites wondering what the HELL I thought I was doing!! It suddenly was very very painful...and Ashie isn't even gone yet. I am scared.
I AM TERRIFIED of what is going to be going on in the next few hours.
MSU called and told me that Ashie greeted them to say "hi" this morning at the front of her cage and even ate a bit this morning.
She misses home. I swear she must and I am soooo soooo sad that she is left there in a strange place not knowing where we are or why she is there and why we abandoned her.
I ABANDONED MY CAT AND SHE HAS TO BE CONFUSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't know what to do. I really don't know how to handle this. I am cluctching to the clump of fur I cut from her last night.....trying to smell it for her scent I always loved when she just plopped her whole body on my face at night.....
But, I have already thrown out her dishes and MSU did say today, though, it was just a matter of days or maybe a week for Ashie.
I'm ill. I am ill. There is this THING I feel in the pit of my stomach that is aching..that is just sucking everything out of me...and everything that I have. It takes everything I have to make my daughter lunch and make my son a bottle..in fact, it is like I FORGET about these things and then suddenly kind of go into mechanical mode...just going through the motions.
I can't even begin to describe this feeling.
Do I want to let MSU put her down or drive with her 30 minutes out to our actual vet?? I would be prolonging it and extending the serious pain of anticipation and probably won't want to take her into the building. And then I might have to hear her little Ashie noises in the car and that would RIP me apart.
I don't know what to do. I can't even make these decisions. I don't know HOW to make them....how can I when it all sucks and I am sitting here bawling my eyes out?? How can those be made????
OMMMMMMGGGGGGGGGGGG..I can't believe I just typed that....it is real and this is horrible.
Last night I went upstairs where Ashie loved to be. Her chair was still covered in Ashie hair and as I stood up there I called out her name as if she were going to appear out of nowhere.
Is that insane? I was hysterical on the floor up there...laying next to her litter box and scrounging around in desperation trying to find all of the pictures I had and getting mad that I couldn't find the other ones I knew were taken. It was like 1am and in the meantime of this, my 3 year old and 5 mo old woke up screaming. My daughter (3yrs) yelled "DADDY....mommy is sad because of Ashie" and she was near hysterics herself (because of me).
Is that normal??? For someone to go and start calling for their cat knowing they aren't going to appear??? Looking at the chair and and saying things like "Ashie lays here. She belongs HERE. This is ASHIE'S chair!!! Ashie!!!!! COME HERE!!!!".
Really...is it???
THen I found myself looking online and the local shelter's available cats. When Angel died back in 2002, I found it to be very theraputic to visit the shelter and give love to those animals...and when my mother adopted one 12 days after Angel died, it was bitter sweet....it was weird and strange, but pretty..well, theraputic.
So how come I felt somewhat ok with it, but then started to feel incredibly SICKENED and closed out sites wondering what the HELL I thought I was doing!! It suddenly was very very painful...and Ashie isn't even gone yet. I am scared.
I AM TERRIFIED of what is going to be going on in the next few hours.
MSU called and told me that Ashie greeted them to say "hi" this morning at the front of her cage and even ate a bit this morning.
She misses home. I swear she must and I am soooo soooo sad that she is left there in a strange place not knowing where we are or why she is there and why we abandoned her.
I ABANDONED MY CAT AND SHE HAS TO BE CONFUSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't know what to do. I really don't know how to handle this. I am cluctching to the clump of fur I cut from her last night.....trying to smell it for her scent I always loved when she just plopped her whole body on my face at night.....
But, I have already thrown out her dishes and MSU did say today, though, it was just a matter of days or maybe a week for Ashie.
I'm ill. I am ill. There is this THING I feel in the pit of my stomach that is aching..that is just sucking everything out of me...and everything that I have. It takes everything I have to make my daughter lunch and make my son a bottle..in fact, it is like I FORGET about these things and then suddenly kind of go into mechanical mode...just going through the motions.
I can't even begin to describe this feeling.
Do I want to let MSU put her down or drive with her 30 minutes out to our actual vet?? I would be prolonging it and extending the serious pain of anticipation and probably won't want to take her into the building. And then I might have to hear her little Ashie noises in the car and that would RIP me apart.
I don't know what to do. I can't even make these decisions. I don't know HOW to make them....how can I when it all sucks and I am sitting here bawling my eyes out?? How can those be made????