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Getting Closer................

post #1 of 32
Thread Starter 
OMFG. I think I am going to get sick. In just a few hours, we are heading over to MSU to put Ashie to sleep.

OMMMMMMGGGGGGGGGGGG..I can't believe I just typed that....it is real and this is horrible.

Last night I went upstairs where Ashie loved to be. Her chair was still covered in Ashie hair and as I stood up there I called out her name as if she were going to appear out of nowhere.

Is that insane? I was hysterical on the floor up there...laying next to her litter box and scrounging around in desperation trying to find all of the pictures I had and getting mad that I couldn't find the other ones I knew were taken. It was like 1am and in the meantime of this, my 3 year old and 5 mo old woke up screaming. My daughter (3yrs) yelled "DADDY....mommy is sad because of Ashie" and she was near hysterics herself (because of me).

Is that normal??? For someone to go and start calling for their cat knowing they aren't going to appear??? Looking at the chair and and saying things like "Ashie lays here. She belongs HERE. This is ASHIE'S chair!!! Ashie!!!!! COME HERE!!!!".

Really...is it???

THen I found myself looking online and the local shelter's available cats. When Angel died back in 2002, I found it to be very theraputic to visit the shelter and give love to those animals...and when my mother adopted one 12 days after Angel died, it was bitter sweet....it was weird and strange, but pretty..well, theraputic.

So how come I felt somewhat ok with it, but then started to feel incredibly SICKENED and closed out sites wondering what the HELL I thought I was doing!! It suddenly was very very painful...and Ashie isn't even gone yet. I am scared.

I AM TERRIFIED of what is going to be going on in the next few hours.

MSU called and told me that Ashie greeted them to say "hi" this morning at the front of her cage and even ate a bit this morning.

She misses home. I swear she must and I am soooo soooo sad that she is left there in a strange place not knowing where we are or why she is there and why we abandoned her.


I don't know what to do. I really don't know how to handle this. I am cluctching to the clump of fur I cut from her last night.....trying to smell it for her scent I always loved when she just plopped her whole body on my face at night.....

But, I have already thrown out her dishes and MSU did say today, though, it was just a matter of days or maybe a week for Ashie.

I'm ill. I am ill. There is this THING I feel in the pit of my stomach that is aching..that is just sucking everything out of me...and everything that I have. It takes everything I have to make my daughter lunch and make my son a bottle..in fact, it is like I FORGET about these things and then suddenly kind of go into mechanical mode...just going through the motions.

I can't even begin to describe this feeling.

Do I want to let MSU put her down or drive with her 30 minutes out to our actual vet?? I would be prolonging it and extending the serious pain of anticipation and probably won't want to take her into the building. And then I might have to hear her little Ashie noises in the car and that would RIP me apart.

I don't know what to do. I can't even make these decisions. I don't know HOW to make them....how can I when it all sucks and I am sitting here bawling my eyes out?? How can those be made????
post #2 of 32
post #3 of 32


I am still in the early morning going where is Kandie
post #4 of 32
post #5 of 32
I am so sorry. I wish I had something comforting to say. I still "see" Timothy, Emily and even little Oliver out of the corner of my eyes. I try to take comfort in the fact that I loved them and gave them wonderful lives and took care of them - even at the very end. Know that your Ashie will be healthy again playing over The Rainbow Bridge. And eventually, when the time is right, she will send a new little one to you to fill your heart.
post #6 of 32
I am sooo sorry for you. I don't know what to say. I can't imaging how you are coping...I am crying just reading this.

It is so hard to lose our little creatures. We know that they will only be with us for a short amount of time and it always seems so short, no matter what length of time they are with us. But somehow we forget...

I can only hope you will be okay. You have to be strong for yourself and your family and for all the other little creatures who will share their lives and love with you.

As far as those decisions, unfortunately, only you know what is best. Those are some of the hardest choices to make and I'm sorry you have to make them.

If you feel you are strong enough, you might want to be there with her when they put her down to rest. At least she might not be as scared and you can say goodbye.

post #7 of 32
I'm so sorry about Ashie! It's so hard to come to grips with, especially when it happens so suddenly. It only cost us $100 or so to buy the urn and cremate Smudgie. I know how you're feeling, but I don't really have words to help. Just hugs.
post #8 of 32
Carrie, I don't know if what you're feeling is "normal", but I do know that I felt much the same way when Foxy, Damian, & Gizmo's time came. You get so used to them being a part of the family and your life, that when they are gone you feel such a big emptiness & hole in your heart. You just expect for them to be there when you get up in the morning, or when you walk thru the door after a hard day at work. They provide soooo much love & comfort & happiness, and when they are gone it isn't the same. I think it's "normal" to feel this way, b/c you're hurting & anguished & heartbroken. Someone you love is going away, and a big chunk of your heart is being torn apart. But I think if you keep in mind that you'll be w/ your baby again, it will make it more bearable to let her go. You provided her w/ love and a good home while she was w/ you, and that's nothing to be ashamed of.

And I agree w/ Merlynn's Mom's sentiments: you need to be strong for yourself, your family (especially your kids), and the future little creatures whom you decide to "adopt". They need you, too. I know how impossible it might seem right now to consider how much they love & need you b/c you are hurting so much, but somehow you will get thru this. And some day you will be able to recall all the fond memories of Ashie, and it won't hurt any more. You'll just be glad knowing that you provided a good home for Ashie while she was in your life.

May I suggest that you contact your doctor for a prescription for Xanaxx or Valium or something to help your thru this difficult time? It won't entirely take away all your pain, but it will help you cope. I'm sure your doc would be willing to prescribe something if you explained th situation to her/him. I'm not one to advise taking stuff like that, but you seem so distraught. I think it would help to ease your anguish and help you cope thru this difficult time. I can almost feel your pain, just by reading your posts.

Again, I am so sorry.

post #9 of 32
I am so sorry for what you and Ashie are going through. I don't know the whole story but I am sure any decision is going to be a hard one.

There is no normal or abnormal way to grieve the lose or impending lose of a beloved companion. We all grieve in our own way that feels , I don't know, right for us. It may seem crazy or irrational at the time but its what feels right to you to be doing. If that makes any sense. Please do not feel that the way you are grieving is wrong because its not.

Me and Ping will be sending you and Ashie extra special vibes and hugs over the next few days and weeks. I know this will be a hard time for you and your family. I can tell by this thread alone Ashie was deeply loved by not just you but everyone around you loved her.

post #10 of 32
All I can say is that my heart is with you and your Ashie tonight... may you both find peace in your separate ways.
post #11 of 32
Originally Posted by CarolPetunia View Post
All I can say is that my heart is with you and your Ashie tonight... may you both find peace in your separate ways.
I couldn't have put it better.

I am so sorry you have to go through this. My heart goes out to you and Ashie.

post #12 of 32
Thread Starter 
Thank you.

Ashie is gone now. Her belly looked SOO much more bloated than it was last night and I don't even know if she could see....her eyes were SOOO dialated. We were guessing it was because of the meds she had been on. But she completely rubbed her head against us and let me keep my head against hers when I talked to her.

I opted not to be with her when the doc told us what *COULD* happen with euthanasia. If some of those things happened, I probably wouldn't have been able to deal with it and that would be my last memory of her. And it wasn't anything BAD that SHE would've done, just some normal reactions to a body after death.

But I did wait until she was gone for them to "comfirm" it....

It sucked. It was TRULY one of the MOST heartwrenching things I've had to do....and I don't want to do it again. Even the student (doc student) was crying with us BEFORE they took her and AFTER it was over. She was pretty involved in this, too. She made a print of Ashie's paw in some clay...put her name in it...and once she bakes it is going to send it to us. And I cut a nice chunk of fur from her before she left me so I could have it. I thought I would just add it to her scrapbook (I scrap and have one for each of my kids and Ashie!!) on either the very front page or the very end page.

I am very very sad....the worst type there is, but I am not hysterical at the moment and I almost feel like a load of bricks has been taken off of me. Not that I am over it or done being distressed/sad/etc....but the burdon of knowing she was hurting and making these life/death decisions is over with.

I miss my cat.
post #13 of 32
Im sorry Carrie : ( Its terrible to lose those close to us. Try to remember that they are up there lookin down on us and still love us. Focus on the good times, the good memories. Those are whats most important. Not everyone gets to experience that, and for that, we are truly blessed.
post #14 of 32
I'm so sorry. Your not overreacting at all. I still sit here and cry sometimes about Tavi and she's been gone since Thanksgiving. There's just nothing to fix it except time. Cry a lot, it helps.

I wish there were something I could do to help. I feel so bad.
post #15 of 32
Although they are the ones who are sick, I sometimes think it's harder on us. They know they don't feel well and that they're tired. But we're the ones who know they are dying. She went to sleep and for her, that was a relief. I used to think that having to make the decision was what made it so painful, but while that's a part of it...it's knowing that from that moment forward, life changes. Ashie is gone, but she'll always be a part of your life.

Remember, she doesn't hurt anymore...only you do.
post #16 of 32
As the others have said, my heart aches for you. Losing a beloved companion is never easy. It has always helped ease my spirit to know that they are no longer in pain or suffering. God will take care of them now and your faith will help you through it as well.

When you do your scrapbooking you will recall all the wonderful things she did and the special times you had with each other and it will help your heart to heal.
post #17 of 32
Thread Starter 
Do you guys think that their spirits can be back home?? ...I mean, literally.....
Like Roger (DH) believes Ashie is back here..home..back upstairs laying in her chair or laying on our bed like she used to. Does that happen do you think or do they stay in heaven and wait (or where ever it is they go)?
post #18 of 32
I think that some spirits are tied to others, and in this case, it might be that her spirit is tied to your family. If there is an afterlife, or their essence carries on, then I think that she's nearby. She's always going to be there, though, every time you think about her.
post #19 of 32
Originally Posted by carrie640 View Post
Do you guys think that their spirits can be back home?? ...I mean, literally.....
Like Roger (DH) believes Ashie is back here..home..back upstairs laying in her chair or laying on our bed like she used to. Does that happen do you think or do they stay in heaven and wait (or where ever it is they go)?
They do ... I have had a few travel to different states with me...
post #20 of 32
I saw this posted on another site and wanted to post this for you:

post #21 of 32
When we had to put Smudgie to sleep I really didn't think I could bear it. But with the support of people here on TCS, and at the vet's office, it really became almost a beautiful thing. It was very peaceful and it was a relief that he was no longer suffering.

But the most interesting thing happened several months later when I happened upon a thread where a breeder was expecting babies, and her queen had one baby and it was obviously premature and it died. Labor stopped, and then the kitty had 5 babies a few days later. It was very difficult for everyone, since there were a lot of lost kittens that year. The breeder lost one of the five as well. Then she decided she would name the 4 remaining babies after kitties who had gone to the Rainbow Bridge too soon. Several people suggested names, and after a few days, she announced that she was naming the kittens Ares, Smudge, Chance, and Yuki. I jokingly asked if Smudge had a home, and, long story short, I ended up buying my beautiful Ragdoll Smudge. He was born 1 YEAR TO THE DAY after my first Smudgie!!

The reason I write this is because this couldn't have been a coincidence, and I KNOW my Smudgie had something to do with this whole thing. Your Ashie will guide your life as well, I just know it.
post #22 of 32
I would suggest you visit www.petloss.com. They have all kinds of links, including to the candle-lighting cermony, to some tribute pages, and to pet loss support groups and hotlines. The sorrow of losing a loved one is always difficult to bear, and it is normal to feel a range of emotions. Included in that range is often relief that the waiting for whatever else is next is over and relief that she is no longer in pain. When Spot was still present, I joined a group where every month we lost at least one cat. Sometimes they would post the following poem, which I found comforting:

“Farewell, Master, yet not farewell.
Where I go, ye too shall dwell.
I am gone, before your face,
A moment's time, a little space.
When ye come where I have stepped
Ye will wonder why ye wept.”
(Modified from a poem by Edwin Arnold)

You did everything you could for Ashie. In time, your sadness will lessen, but you will never forget her. There is no right or wrong time to find a new feline friend, as long as you feel ready. You can talk to Ashie and maybe she'll send you one.
post #23 of 32
I feel for you, I too have been through it a number of times. And as has been said, it is hard to accept that it is actrually easier on them than on you. But comfort is hard to find.
post #24 of 32
Carrie, I'm so sorry for your loss.
post #25 of 32
Carrie - I am so sorry for your loss. You are in my heart and thoughts.
post #26 of 32
I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope the memories of what a wonderful, loving cat Ashie was are giving you comfort at the moment. It's so hard to put a cat to sleep but know that you saved Ashie from a lot of pain and discomfort.

I'm sending you good vibes from the other side of the world!!
post #27 of 32
I have followed with an aching heavy heart for you and didn't know what to say or how to say it...........

We are all here for you, some can say things with great eloquence, some can offer a shoulder, whatever it is, the love and support to help you through this is always here for you and yours

Heres some hugs
post #28 of 32
I know I am new here and I don't know you but I have been following your posts and I just wanted to offer my deepest condolences. I am truly sorry for your loss. But it is better that she is resting peacefully now and no longer in pain.
post #29 of 32
Thread Starter 
Thank you for all the thoughts!
post #30 of 32
Can you be with your little angel??
Surely she would prefer that, with mommy nearby.
Its so hard to make that decision, and I'm sure you
made the right choice. She will always be thought about by you cause you love her.
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