My 17 y/o daughter has an 18 y/o boyfriend. They've been going steady for a couple of months. My DH and I are sort of strict with her, but she's a good kid and doesn't really give us much to worry about.
This is probably going to be fairly long; sorry, but I need to get all the details in, and I need to vent a little.
The bf graduated a couple of weeks ago, and asked R. (my daughter) to go to a party "out in the country". He told her there would be no liquor, and parents would be there. I asked her if she believed him and she said "no". R. is a varsity softball player--she lives for the game--and team rules state that you'll be kicked off the team for smoking, drinking, or drugs. My DH, R., and I talked it over, and decided the party didn't sound like a good idea. She understood completely; the bf, on the other hand, was totally p*ssed off. Every day or so, he tell her to ask us if she could go anyway, and of course, the answer was always no. The night of the party, they were supposed to go to a dance at her high school. Instead, they decided to go to a soccer game at his high school. For some reason, he assumed that if they weren't going to the dance that meant they could go to the party. (huh?) When R. told him no, she still wasn't going, he decided it was MY fault and told anyone and everyone at the soccer game that her Mom was a dirty b*tch. She told him to stop it, that it really bothered her, and his response was "so?"
She came home that night really upset; it took her a week to tell me about it. To say I was upset and hurt doesn't come close to my reaction. During that week, R. went to his graduation, to another party, and even introduced him to her Grandma. Apparently, it was eating at her, tho, so she told me about it.
Back up a little----R. has a tracfone, and after wasting 100 units last summer in 3 days by texting a guy, she was told that had better not happen again. She knows that I check her phone occasionally (told you we were strict). When I discovered she'd neither made nor received calls for 4 days, I knew something was up. She admitted she and the bf had been textng each other at least 3x a day from school. We told her that she couldn't go out with him for 1 weekend, which didn't seem to bother her cause she had softball and work anyway. He, of course, was p*ssed again and assumed she was going out with someone else. When she went out with a girlfriend, he gave her hell for not calling him so he could meet her. (I told you she was a good kid) He even asked a mutual friend to check up on her. For some reason he also told her that when he gets mad he has to hit something....but that he would never hit her. Ok.
So, R. talked to her team-mates who all told her to get out of the relationship NOW. She asked my opinion and I told her it was her decision. She gave the bf his ring back and told him she needed a break to think things over. Now, she's thinking she might start dating him again. Her Dad told her she wasn't about to go steady with him again, and we told her that he isn't welcome in our home anymore after he insulted me the way he did. I know I can't say "you will not see him again!" because my parents did that with me and I became the world's best liar. They also work together, so obviously that's not an option.
Are we doing the right thing? R really is a level-headed girl and I trust her 95% to make the right decision. It does hurt me that she continued to date him even after his tirade about me, and that she would consider going out with him again. I've told her that. (we are very open with each other; thank heaven she talks to me!) Am I being unreasonable or petty? I've also told R. that she needs to tell the bf that her Dad and I know about his insulting me. If she does start dating him again, he needs to know why he can't come in our home and why she can only see him once a week.
Any and all advice would really be appreciated.
This is probably going to be fairly long; sorry, but I need to get all the details in, and I need to vent a little.
The bf graduated a couple of weeks ago, and asked R. (my daughter) to go to a party "out in the country". He told her there would be no liquor, and parents would be there. I asked her if she believed him and she said "no". R. is a varsity softball player--she lives for the game--and team rules state that you'll be kicked off the team for smoking, drinking, or drugs. My DH, R., and I talked it over, and decided the party didn't sound like a good idea. She understood completely; the bf, on the other hand, was totally p*ssed off. Every day or so, he tell her to ask us if she could go anyway, and of course, the answer was always no. The night of the party, they were supposed to go to a dance at her high school. Instead, they decided to go to a soccer game at his high school. For some reason, he assumed that if they weren't going to the dance that meant they could go to the party. (huh?) When R. told him no, she still wasn't going, he decided it was MY fault and told anyone and everyone at the soccer game that her Mom was a dirty b*tch. She told him to stop it, that it really bothered her, and his response was "so?"
She came home that night really upset; it took her a week to tell me about it. To say I was upset and hurt doesn't come close to my reaction. During that week, R. went to his graduation, to another party, and even introduced him to her Grandma. Apparently, it was eating at her, tho, so she told me about it.
Back up a little----R. has a tracfone, and after wasting 100 units last summer in 3 days by texting a guy, she was told that had better not happen again. She knows that I check her phone occasionally (told you we were strict). When I discovered she'd neither made nor received calls for 4 days, I knew something was up. She admitted she and the bf had been textng each other at least 3x a day from school. We told her that she couldn't go out with him for 1 weekend, which didn't seem to bother her cause she had softball and work anyway. He, of course, was p*ssed again and assumed she was going out with someone else. When she went out with a girlfriend, he gave her hell for not calling him so he could meet her. (I told you she was a good kid) He even asked a mutual friend to check up on her. For some reason he also told her that when he gets mad he has to hit something....but that he would never hit her. Ok.
So, R. talked to her team-mates who all told her to get out of the relationship NOW. She asked my opinion and I told her it was her decision. She gave the bf his ring back and told him she needed a break to think things over. Now, she's thinking she might start dating him again. Her Dad told her she wasn't about to go steady with him again, and we told her that he isn't welcome in our home anymore after he insulted me the way he did. I know I can't say "you will not see him again!" because my parents did that with me and I became the world's best liar. They also work together, so obviously that's not an option.
Are we doing the right thing? R really is a level-headed girl and I trust her 95% to make the right decision. It does hurt me that she continued to date him even after his tirade about me, and that she would consider going out with him again. I've told her that. (we are very open with each other; thank heaven she talks to me!) Am I being unreasonable or petty? I've also told R. that she needs to tell the bf that her Dad and I know about his insulting me. If she does start dating him again, he needs to know why he can't come in our home and why she can only see him once a week.
Any and all advice would really be appreciated.