Need Advice; Daughter's Boyfriend is an *ss

libby74

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My 17 y/o daughter has an 18 y/o boyfriend. They've been going steady for a couple of months. My DH and I are sort of strict with her, but she's a good kid and doesn't really give us much to worry about.

This is probably going to be fairly long; sorry, but I need to get all the details in, and I need to vent a little.

The bf graduated a couple of weeks ago, and asked R. (my daughter) to go to a party "out in the country". He told her there would be no liquor, and parents would be there. I asked her if she believed him and she said "no". R. is a varsity softball player--she lives for the game--and team rules state that you'll be kicked off the team for smoking, drinking, or drugs. My DH, R., and I talked it over, and decided the party didn't sound like a good idea. She understood completely; the bf, on the other hand, was totally p*ssed off. Every day or so, he tell her to ask us if she could go anyway, and of course, the answer was always no. The night of the party, they were supposed to go to a dance at her high school. Instead, they decided to go to a soccer game at his high school. For some reason, he assumed that if they weren't going to the dance that meant they could go to the party. (huh?) When R. told him no, she still wasn't going, he decided it was MY fault and told anyone and everyone at the soccer game that her Mom was a dirty b*tch. She told him to stop it, that it really bothered her, and his response was "so?"
She came home that night really upset; it took her a week to tell me about it. To say I was upset and hurt doesn't come close to my reaction. During that week, R. went to his graduation, to another party, and even introduced him to her Grandma. Apparently, it was eating at her, tho, so she told me about it.

Back up a little----R. has a tracfone, and after wasting 100 units last summer in 3 days by texting a guy, she was told that had better not happen again. She knows that I check her phone occasionally (told you we were strict). When I discovered she'd neither made nor received calls for 4 days, I knew something was up. She admitted she and the bf had been textng each other at least 3x a day from school. We told her that she couldn't go out with him for 1 weekend, which didn't seem to bother her cause she had softball and work anyway. He, of course, was p*ssed again and assumed she was going out with someone else. When she went out with a girlfriend, he gave her hell for not calling him so he could meet her. (I told you she was a good kid) He even asked a mutual friend to check up on her. For some reason he also told her that when he gets mad he has to hit something....but that he would never hit her. Ok.

So, R. talked to her team-mates who all told her to get out of the relationship NOW. She asked my opinion and I told her it was her decision. She gave the bf his ring back and told him she needed a break to think things over. Now, she's thinking she might start dating him again. Her Dad told her she wasn't about to go steady with him again, and we told her that he isn't welcome in our home anymore after he insulted me the way he did. I know I can't say "you will not see him again!" because my parents did that with me and I became the world's best liar. They also work together, so obviously that's not an option.

Are we doing the right thing? R really is a level-headed girl and I trust her 95% to make the right decision. It does hurt me that she continued to date him even after his tirade about me, and that she would consider going out with him again. I've told her that. (we are very open with each other; thank heaven she talks to me!) Am I being unreasonable or petty? I've also told R. that she needs to tell the bf that her Dad and I know about his insulting me. If she does start dating him again, he needs to know why he can't come in our home and why she can only see him once a week.

Any and all advice would really be appreciated.
 

lunasmom

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She's obviously attracted to him because of the freedom that he offers. You and your husband have established rules that she sounds like she obeys well.

By no means tell her no. that's only going to cause her to start dating him again. Like you said (and probably remember) she's at the age...parents are harsh, and obviously his parent's don't have the same established rules.

I wouldn't tell her "No" or even discourage her in any way. I would sit down with her and do it in a way that makes her feel like an adult. Talk about it ask her how she felt when they didn't go to the dance, ask her how she felt when he told everyone what you were.

It'll be a decision that she has to come to on her own. She may even get back together with this guy, but if he's consistant...which he sounds like he is, she'll break up again with him really soon. Especially if her teammates find out.

That'll be the key factor right there, is if her friends tell her she's shouldn't...she'll listen to them more than you now.
 

starryeyedtiger

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To be honest, i think you need to back up just a pinch sweetie. Becase- the more you push her to end it with this guy, the more she's going to want to be with him. Give her a little time to figure out on her own that this guy is not worth her time and she'll get over him. (and trust me if her friends are telling her this guy is scumb anyways, it won't be long). I know it's hard to back off a little because that is your baby and you want to do everything you can to protect her - but the best way to protect her now is to trust that what you've taught her while she was /is growing up will stick with her. She sounds like a wonderful girl- she will come around honey. But just remember- the more you push, the more she will resent you and want to be with him...so give her just a little space to figure things out.

Also- the only time i think you might want to interfear is if you feel your daughter is in danger / fear of her life and she doesn't know how to ask for help or get out of the relationship safely (doesn't sound like it from this post). it is at that point that you need to have your daugher save all evidence (copies of text messages/emails/etc) and get an order of protection from your local police station. BUT please do not do this (even though you dislike him) unless it is absolutely necessary. Good luck hon!
You sound like a good mom who loves their daughter very much.
 

sofiecusion

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Sounds exactly like my high school b/f (aside from him insulting my parents). Talk things through with her about his attitude. Have dad or someone else do it as she may see you as biased. PM me if you need to talk more.
 

muttigreemom

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Originally Posted by StarryEyedTiGeR

To be honest, i think you need to back up just a pinch sweetie. Becase- the more you push her to end it with this guy, the more she's going to want to be with him. Give her a little time to figure out on her own that this guy is not worth her time and she'll get over him. (and trust me if her friends are telling her this guy is scumb anyways, it won't be long). I know it's hard to back off a little because that is your baby and you want to do everything you can to protect her - but the best way to protect her now is to trust that what you've taught her while she was /is growing up will stick with her. She sounds like a wonderful girl- she will come around honey. But just remember- the more you push, the more she will resent you and want to be with him...so give her just a little space to figure things out.


This sounds like a guy I dated in HS. The fact is I would have broken up with him anyway, but my mom decided to get involved. The more she pushed, the more I hated her for it. I found out many years later she actually had called him and threatened him at some point. Please don't ever, ever do that. It's now 12 years later and I still hate her for it. I may be her child, but all that did was show me exactly how little she trusted me.

But the more she made it clear how much she hated him, the better liar I became. On the other hand if she had trusted me to make my own decision, I would have broken up with him on my own. I was actually planning on it, until she became overly involved.

The fact is you know how you raised her. You said yourself she is a good kid - put your faith in that. Now all you need to do is sit back, relax and TRUST her. She knows what to do... sometimes it's just hard. She's probably just doubting herself right now, but if he keeps acting like this she will get fed up and realize it's not worth it.

I hope it all does well for her!
 

adymarie

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Your daughter sounds very sensible. I would think that you should trust her and let her know that while you may not agree with her choice, you trust her to make the right decisions.
 

starryeyedtiger

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Oh yeah just to add one more thing- i too had a guy who was no good for me back when i was in high school (he was out of high school but i was still in). My mom completly backed off and didn't make it an issue (even though i'm sure she was just dying to- after all i'm her baby girl). And you know what- i figured out i could do MUCH better and as soon as i realized that...i got rid of him. I know my mom was proud of me for figuring that out on my own. And i really respect that my mom backed off a bit and let me grow up some and make that important decision. Not only did it help me then but also in other relationships. And the nice thing i respect about my mom for doing that is the older i got- the more i realize i can talk to her about stuff like that and actually ask her advice and things now. Teenage years are hard...she is still refining and developing a large part of her brain that is going to take her into her adult years...so the more calm and level you stay with her...the more calm and level she will be and she won't over react as much (by wanting to date said guy just to spite you.) so definitly set that good stable example for her.
(sounds like you're doing that already. i applaud you for being such a good proactive mom who loves their kid).
 

sofiecusion

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I agree with what the others said. It may be hard, but don't get involved and let her figure things out on her own...only get involved if she things get physical. I had to figure it out on my own. My high school b/f was quite the opposite and convinced my family he was looking out for my my best interest, when he was really being controlling, and eventually isolated me from just about everyone but him, my family, and his! I got out as soon as I figured out better was out there!
 

mybabyphx

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Originally Posted by StarryEyedTiGeR

To be honest, i think you need to back up just a pinch sweetie. Becase- the more you push her to end it with this guy, the more she's going to want to be with him. Give her a little time to figure out on her own that this guy is not worth her time and she'll get over him. (and trust me if her friends are telling her this guy is scumb anyways, it won't be long). I know it's hard to back off a little because that is your baby and you want to do everything you can to protect her - but the best way to protect her now is to trust that what you've taught her while she was /is growing up will stick with her. She sounds like a wonderful girl- she will come around honey. But just remember- the more you push, the more she will resent you and want to be with him...so give her just a little space to figure things out.

Also- the only time i think you might want to interfear is if you feel your daughter is in danger / fear of her life and she doesn't know how to ask for help or get out of the relationship safely (doesn't sound like it from this post). it is at that point that you need to have your daugher save all evidence (copies of text messages/emails/etc) and get an order of protection from your local police station. BUT please do not do this (even though you dislike him) unless it is absolutely necessary. Good luck hon!
You sound like a good mom who loves their daughter very much.
I agree completely! I'm going to tell you a little story about my best friend B.
We have been best friends since we were 9 yrs old. When we were in High School together she started dating this guy. This guy was really nice, he was great!! HA! Until we found out he does drugs, skips school, had sex with every girl in site, etc. Well, she dated him for a while and really "loved" him. Her parents told her "no"- as the family is very very religious and did not agree with her dating this guy. To make a long story short, after 4 yrs of dating this guy.... (and her parents fighting with her the whole time of course) She got pregnant. She had a baby girl... At this time though the guy was in jail (trust me it wasn't his first time) And he was a real jack*** well she told him she didn't think it was going to work out, since he wasn't even helping her at all. She started dating another guy, and her baby's daddy started threatening the new boyfriend. He was threatening the new boyfriend so much, that B. (my friend) broke up with the new boyfriend because she was scared for his/her/baby's life! Eventually they got back together (her and the new boyfriend- not the ex) And today they are happily married.. their whole marriage though they have been fighting to get the fathers rights taken away from him so the husband can adopt the Holly (the baby, who is now 3.5) They got the rights terminated, and now in the process of adoption for the husband. Do you see how many problems this caused? I'm not saying that this wouldn't have happened if her parents would have let her be- but geeeeeesh!

My only advice is- don't tell her what to do, only give her advice. Then let her make her decisions, unless of course things get out of control! If you need anyone to talk to, PM me!
 

sweets

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I agree with what everyone else here is saying. Sit down, talk with your daughter. Talk to her as an adult. Remind her how she felt when she missed the dance, when she heard this bf calling you names. I can almost guarantee he's done the same to her since he already has a bad attitude.

Let her know that the claim "I like to hit things when I get angry" was actually his way of warning her not to get him angry. I got the same warning when I was dating my high school sweetheart. I ignored it and got a fat lip as my doorprize.
 

happy cat

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I think you should let the boyfriend come to your home and YOU should tell him you know what he's been saying and that you are concerned about his blatant disrespect for you. Tell him that it makes you wonder how he talks about your daughter when she is out with a girlfriend or if she's grounded. What is he wants sex and she says no? Is he going to be calling her a "dirty little...." you get my drift? I'd put him on the spot. Make HIM accountable for his actions.
 

trouts mom

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Originally Posted by happy cat

I think you should let the boyfriend come to your home and YOU should tell him you know what he's been saying and that you are concerned about his blatant disrespect for you. Tell him that it makes you wonder how he talks about your daughter when she is out with a girlfriend or if she's grounded. What is he wants sex and she says no? Is he going to be calling her a "dirty little...." you get my drift? I'd put him on the spot. Make HIM accountable for his actions.
I just can't see that working for a teenager..it would be a good idea for an adult though...
 

jellybella

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There are so many red flags here. He sounds possessive, he's trying to alienate her from her family and her softball...he's shown an obvious lack of respect for her and a good deal of insecurity. I think it is very good that her teammates all told her to get away from him.

Unfortunately, as a mom IMHO you do need to back off and let her make the decision.

Don't make him more attractive by adding the element of rebellion. She seems to know that he's not good for her. I would tell her that you're seeing some very disturbing patterns and that you respect her ability to see that he's not the best choice. There's nothing worse than when parents push too hard against this kind of guy. That plays into his hand, he wants to drive a wedge between her and her family so she only has him.

Ask her to check out the warning signs of an abusive partner, go ahead and google it...she'll probably see some familiar signs
http://www.a2zgorge.info/prevention/...ning-signs.htm
 
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libby74

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Let her know that the claim "I like to hit things when I get angry" was actually his way of warning her not to get him angry
That's the part that really worries me. R.is 5 feet tall and 100 lbs soaking wet. The bf is a football player--5'8'' and 285 lbs! As one of her team-mates told her, "My God, he could kill you with one punch!"

I'm not pushing her to break up with him, honest. Her Dad and I have treated her like an adult in this, and are trying really hard to trust her to come to the right decision. We've told her how we feel and are hoping for the best. For some reason, she thinks she's not "date-able", that the type of boy she wants won't ever ask her out. Not to sound biased here, but she is a beautiful girl, very popular (even her friends's parents like her!), and a lot of fun to be with. Her Dad and I think the bf is basically using her as a 'trophy girlfriend'.

She's told me a few of her friends that actually know the bf were really surprised when they found out she'd at least temporarily broken up with him. She told them about his anger issues, and apparently most of them didn't believe it. For some strange reason, she broke up with him at work. (maybe she felt safer doing it there than when they were alone) She left and according to others he went ballistic, and even had to leave work early. I don't know that he would actually hurt her, but I don't want her to have to find out.

I know--trust her to make the right call. It's just so hard being a Mom sometimes.
 

jellybella

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Originally Posted by libby74

For some reason, she thinks she's not "date-able", that the type of boy she wants won't ever ask her out. Not to sound biased here, but she is a beautiful girl, very popular (even her friends's parents like her!), and a lot of fun to be with. Her Dad and I think the bf is basically using her as a 'trophy girlfriend'.
Guys like that seek out good girls who have insecurities and play on them.
Been there, done that, decided not to get the T-shirt.


to you, this does suck.
 

carolpetunia

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Yes, as I read through the responses, I was thinking that the first thing your daughter needs is to read up on the whole battered-wife syndrome. This boy is clearly extremely controlling and jealous, lugs around a huge but fragile ego, and has no sense of personal integrity. That's exactly the kind of guy who tries to make a girl feel dependent on him, turn her against her family, isolate her from her friends... and if she ever rebels, he's very likely to become violent.

I recently read a book by Ann Rule full of horrible true stories about men like this who eventually murdered their girlfriends or wives -- it's called "Empty Promises." The first section of the book is the longest story, and I think your daughter might recognize some of her boyfriend's behavior patterns in it. That ought to be enough to convince her to get away from him before he becomes any more invested in her.

It's true that you can't "forbid" her to see him -- but you also can't stay out of it altogether. Maybe by approaching her with this book (or some other you might find), so that the ideas come from somewhere other than you personally, you can lead her to the right conclusions, rather than having to push, y'know?

Good luck.
 
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libby74

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I recently read a book by Ann Rule full of horrible true stories about men like this who eventually murdered their girlfriends or wives -- it's called "Empty Promises." The first section of the book is the longest story, and I think your daughter might recognize some of her boyfriend's behavior patterns in it. That ought to be enough to convince her to get away from him before he becomes any more invested in her.
I've read all of Ann Rule's books, and they are terrifying. Unfortunately, my daughter isn't a reader. (I gave her my 6th Harry Potter book when it came out and she STILL isn't finished with it!)

It's kind of funny, in a twisted sort of way. I never realized just what a "good girl" she is. The bf has a myspace page, which I found and looked over (complete with a couple of pics of the 2 of them on it). Part of the page lists his favorite songs, including the song that was playing when he lost his virginity. Ok. I think he's lying, but he's a teenage boy, you know? When I pointed this out to my daughter she got really upset, and told me it's just gross to think that he might have slept with someone. I honestly didn't think she'd react so strongly to it. She doesn't believe he's been sexually active any more than I do (supposedly, she's his first gf), and it really bothers her that he'd lie about it. She's showing a lot more maturity than I ever dreamed she possessed; makes me even more proud of her than I already was.
 

theimp98

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i think i would just ask her,
how does it feel to date a guy that insults the only mother in life she will have
 
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libby74

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i think i would just ask her,
how does it feel to date a guy that insults the only mother in life she will have
Actually, I'm not the only mother R. will ever have; we adopted her when she was 4 and she knows she has a birth mother in Europe. I am the only Mom she 'll ever know, I imagine. It really touches my heart that the bf's tirade against me upset her so much; I guess I just can't understand why she would even consider going out with him again, knowing how deeply it bothers me. I know, that's an incredibly grown-up choice I'm wanting her to make, but I do think in the long run she'll figure it out for herself.

Her Dad (jokingly?) told her she'd better not marry this guy cause "Mom won't come to the wedding." He knows me so well.
 

starryeyedtiger

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Originally Posted by libby74

Actually, I'm not the only mother R. will ever have; we adopted her when she was 4 and she knows she has a birth mother in Europe. I am the only Mom she 'll ever know, I imagine. It really touches my heart that the bf's tirade against me upset her so much; I guess I just can't understand why she would even consider going out with him again, knowing how deeply it bothers me. I know, that's an incredibly grown-up choice I'm wanting her to make, but I do think in the long run she'll figure it out for herself.

Her Dad (jokingly?) told her she'd better not marry this guy cause "Mom won't come to the wedding." He knows me so well.
aww hon she'll figure it out....and when she does- i know she'll be glad you were there for support and appreicate you letting her make that very grown up decision. you're a great mom!
 
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