Need Advice; Daughter's Boyfriend is an *ss

Because kids don't really listen to the advice we give them regarding who to date; you might want to print off some "signs of abuse" from the internet and give them to her to read. That way she will see it in writing as a warning rather then coming from you.

Hopefully she will realize this guy is NOT a good one to be dating/hanging with. When she turns 18 you can't tell her who to date/not to date. The more you point out the bad things, the more likely she is to do it because you told her not to.

Originally Posted by happy cat

I think you should let the boyfriend come to your home and YOU should tell him you know what he's been saying and that you are concerned about his blatant disrespect for you. Tell him that it makes you wonder how he talks about your daughter when she is out with a girlfriend or if she's grounded. What is he wants sex and she says no? Is he going to be calling her a "dirty little...." you get my drift? I'd put him on the spot. Make HIM accountable for his actions.

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Eeek, ! wouldn't! When the daughter confided in her mother with the problems she was having with her boyfriend, the last thing I am sure she wants is for her boyfriend to be confronted by her mother! That would be incredibly embarrassing! That will just make her hate her mother if the mother did that. God I would have killed my mother if she did that to me in high school. I told my mom all sorts of things and I would have been really pissed off if she told my friends or boyfriend the things I said.

Originally Posted by happy cat
I think you should let the boyfriend come to your home and YOU should tell him you know what he's been saying and that you are concerned about his blatant disrespect for you. Tell him that it makes you wonder how he talks about your daughter when she is out with a girlfriend or if she's grounded. What is he wants sex and she says no? Is he going to be calling her a "dirty little...." you get my drift? I'd put him on the spot. Make HIM accountable for his actions.

Eeek, ! wouldn't!

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No, there's no way I'd confront the guy myself. I know that would embarrass the heck out of R., and I try my best not to do that. It's been a while, but I do remember how embarrassing your folks can be when you're a teen.

I just want to thank everyone for their input on this. I think more than anything I just needed to vent---I'm so frustrated by this whole situation. I hate to admit it, but I'm something of a control freak , and keeping my mouth shut is really hard for me right now. I really do appreciate all the support; you guys are the best.

You might hate me for this, but. Your daughter is probably dating someone she knows you hate because of how strict you are. Maybe a small concession in some other aspect would help her feel like she could have some control over her own life without going out with this jerk again. Obviously unconnected- not like a bribe. Extend curfew by half an hour, let her text people a few times, that kind of stuff. If doesn't feel smushed and is able to do other things she enjoys, she'll lose interest in this dirtbag.

You've said yourself she's smart and trustworthy, maybe it should be time to treat her that way. You know she'll make good decisions if given the ability to do so.

I am much closer to your daughter's situation than yours, so take my advice with a grain of salt, but my own experience growing up and watching my friends... when my own parents quit being so strict I actually behaved much better.

It's hard to watch someone you love date such a loser.

You might hate me for this, but. Your daughter is probably dating someone she knows you hate because of how strict you are. Maybe a small concession in some other aspect would help her feel like she could have some control over her own life without going out with this jerk again. Obviously unconnected- not like a bribe. Extend curfew by half an hour, let her text people a few times, that kind of stuff. If doesn't feel smushed and is able to do other things she enjoys, she'll lose interest in this dirtbag.

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Of course I don't hate you for speaking your mind!
The thing is, I didn't dislike this bf at all until my daughter told me about his total lack of disrespect for me, and for the rules her Dad and I have set. I've extended her curfew when they've gone somewhere special, I understand the fact that she texts friends (I don't understand texting the bf several times a day during school, tho); since they started dating I've always told people that I thought he was a pretty nice guy. I thought he seemed a little possessive and insecure in their relationship, but assumed it was because R. is his first real gf. DH and I have actually been pretty lenient because we thought he was a good guy. Apparently he's fine as long as he gets his way. I can't get over the fact that he told her he has to hit things when he gets mad. As someone else pointed out, that's almost the same as telling her she'd better not make him mad, or something might happen.

The funny part is, R. seems to trust my judgment. Even after she'd talked to her softball team and they'd all told her to lose the bf, she called me from work to ask me if she should give him his ring back. I told her it was her choice and to do what she thought was right. In no way did I pressure her or try to talk her into it. Obviously, she knows me well enough to tell that I'm upset, but I've left the choice totally up to her. She hasn't called him in 6 days now, and he's only called once. I think she's still thinking things thru.

Y'know... when I hear "It's up to you," or "It's your decision," I feel like I'm being shut out in some way. When she actually asks for your advice, my gosh, go ahead and give it to her!

Just do it in a supportive way... like "Well, yes, honey, I do think you'd be better off if you gave him his ring back." But of course, not "Well, it's about time! I wondered how long it would take you to give up on that loser!"

Originally Posted by CarolPetunia

Y'know... when I hear "It's up to you," or "It's your decision," I feel like I'm being shut out in some way. When she actually asks for your advice, my gosh, go ahead and give it to her!

Just do it in a supportive way... like "Well, yes, honey, I do think you'd be better off if you gave him his ring back." But of course, not "Well, it's about time! I wondered how long it would take you to give up on that loser!"

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That's so true! When she asks you those questions, she may be looking for you to validate her feelings on some level, and that's great. It means she still feels very connected to you and values your opinion. It's hard when you're starting to feel so strongly against him, but you have to give her your opinion without making her feel bad about the decisions she's already made.

Yeah. I was a naughty naughty teenager. I cannot believe the things I got away with. But they never would have happened if my mom had trusted and supported my decisions.
I really think she's just subconsiously rebelling. I honestly don't know how that works, but it would have for me, and lots of other girls I knew back then. But there's a whole other side to that also.
But I'm feeling your daughter is doing because you don't like the guy. It more than likely WILL NOT work out with this boy, so give this on up. Let her be, if you HAVE to, say "heck he's really turned around, I kinda like him."
THen you might not ever have to see him again.
Girls just kind of do the opposite of whats told on some thing, just to get the revenge (if you will).
There's so many reasons girls act the way we do. No one would ever be able to figure it out.
But I'm saying just trust her, and support her decisions. I think supporting her is the best thing any mother can do for thier daughter. Help and Support.

Originally Posted by JellyBella

That's so true! When she asks you those questions, she may be looking for you to validate her feelings on some level, and that's great. It means she still feels very connected to you and values your opinion. It's hard when you're starting to feel so strongly against him, but you have to give her your opinion without making her feel bad about the decisions she's already made.

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Yes. In its entirety.

Y'know... you also might remind her that she's seventeen. It's not like she should feel a moral obligation to try to stay in this relationship! The purpose of dating is to work through the wrong ones until the right one appears (and, along the way, to develop one's character).

It occurs to me that she might have the feeling that this "bad boy" somehow neeeeeeds her, that she's supposed to "save" him in some way. I've been there, too, but with maturity, I realized that I didn't want to be with someone I couldn't have faith in and respect for. I wanted someone I could count on to be at least as intelligent and honorable as I am. I don't know if that's an aspect of this that you could comment on or not...

As a 17year old (but only 2 weeks to go) I'd say you're handling this in exactly the right way. When i broke up with my first bf (he was boring and clingy) my mother was Extremly unhelpful.
While it made me less stressed about the situation that she found it hilarious that he called me about 15 times a day to try and 'talk things over' and cried every time he saw me for about 3months (we went to the same school), telling your daughter that she's seen a lot of ginger men (like my ex) on the news for killing their partners and that she always thought he looked a bit unhinged is NOT the way to go about it.
as a result i don't tell my mother Anything about my relationships, particularly after the time my current bf cooked my family dinner, and just as we sat down to eat it my mum said-
Patrick, you have quite big ears, don't you!
*patrick turns the colour of a beetroot*
I'm sorry, but seriously, they look like dumbo's ears, like you could fly with them!

It took me about 18 months to tell my mother when i started having sex, because i was afraid she'd redicule me. My fears were fairly justified.

Compared to her, you dsererve a medal for coping so well, and supporting your daughter without meddling.

Originally Posted by libby74

I've read all of Ann Rule's books, and they are terrifying. Unfortunately, my daughter isn't a reader. (I gave her my 6th Harry Potter book when it came out and she STILL isn't finished with it!)

It's kind of funny, in a twisted sort of way. I never realized just what a "good girl" she is. The bf has a myspace page, which I found and looked over (complete with a couple of pics of the 2 of them on it). Part of the page lists his favorite songs, including the song that was playing when he lost his virginity. Ok. I think he's lying, but he's a teenage boy, you know? When I pointed this out to my daughter she got really upset, and told me it's just gross to think that he might have slept with someone. I honestly didn't think she'd react so strongly to it. She doesn't believe he's been sexually active any more than I do (supposedly, she's his first gf), and it really bothers her that he'd lie about it. She's showing a lot more maturity than I ever dreamed she possessed; makes me even more proud of her than I already was.

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I'm sorry but I find this very hard to believe, I know when my ex boyfriend talked to my mother and when she found out when I lost my virginity I tried to deny it and acted very strongly about it, because its not something to talk to my parents about.

You said they were going "steady" I presume they have been having sex by now.

I know it may hurt, but I don't know anyone in any country that is still a virgin by the age of 18!

Originally Posted by adymarie

Your daughter sounds very sensible. I would think that you should trust her and let her know that while you may not agree with her choice, you trust her to make the right decisions.

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That's my thought as well. I also think she should let him know why you don't welcome him in the house anymore. Really, if he cares about her he should apologize.

But it they do get back together and it lasts for awhile, I wouldn't recommend shutting him out for long. It wouldn't be pleasant for your daughter to not be able to bring him around the house. She will inevitably start spending more time away from your home with him.

Originally Posted by CarolPetunia

Y'know... when I hear "It's up to you," or "It's your decision," I feel like I'm being shut out in some way. When she actually asks for your advice, my gosh, go ahead and give it to her!

Just do it in a supportive way... like "Well, yes, honey, I do think you'd be better off if you gave him his ring back." But of course, not "Well, it's about time! I wondered how long it would take you to give up on that loser!"

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The only argument I have with this is that she's at that age where she needs to learn to make decisions on her own. I only say this because I grew up in a fairly strict household. Until I was 19/20 I allowed my mom to make my decisions for me (or confirm my decisions). However I allowed myself to the point that I would follow whatever advice she told me, good or bad. In short it landed me in the therapists office by age 20.

Heck, if I was still following my mom's advice I wouldn't be with the person I love right now!

Libby, I think that you still do CarolPetuna's advice, BUT in a way that still allows her to confirm her feelings as well. You can tell her stuff like you were hurt when he called you names (and don't refer to her telling you either - she may place that blame somehow on herself).

Or have her write out a list of pros and cons for getting back together with him. Have her put a frowny face next to the ones that extremely hurt her during the relationship (and afterwards). Also have her put a smiley face to the items that made her really happy. She probably will find out that there are more frownies than smilies.

Originally Posted by fwan

I'm sorry but I find this very hard to believe, I know when my ex boyfriend talked to my mother and when she found out when I lost my virginity I tried to deny it and acted very strongly about it, because its not something to talk to my parents about.

You said they were going "steady" I presume they have been having sex by now.

I know it may hurt, but I don't know anyone in any country that is still a virgin by the age of 18!

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I was-- I saw too many of my friends do it so wrong and end up upset by it, so I waited until I actually thought I was ready. My two best friends did as well, my other best friend being one of the reasons. I'm not in the majority, but I have friends who've waited until they graduated college. It's wrong to assume someone is no longer a virgin just because they're a certain age, although you're right in that she may be protesting a little bit too strongly.

Wow, so many things to respond to!

Y'know... you also might remind her that she's seventeen. It's not like she should feel a moral obligation to try to stay in this relationship! The purpose of dating is to work through the wrong ones until the right one appears (and, along the way, to develop one's character).

It occurs to me that she might have the feeling that this "bad boy" somehow neeeeeeds her, that she's supposed to "save" him in some way

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I do think there's a little of this going on. My daughter tells me she thinks the bf "has a lot of anger inside." I'm not sure why she's come to that conclusion, but honestly, it doesn't make me feel any better.

You said they were going "steady" I presume they have been having sex by now.

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By going steady, I meant she was wearing his class ring. I can say with absolute certainty that she has not had sex with him, or with anyone else. We actually have an odd mother/daughter relationship---she talks to me about things I would never have dreamed of discussing with my own mother.

I think I mentioned that R. and the bf work at the same fast-food place. Yesterday was their first shift together since the break-up. She said he wouldn't talk to her and ended up getting so mad at someone else that he literally screamed at them! According to her, he was so loud even the people in the dining area heard him. The shift manager took him into the office to have a talk with him and, incredibly, he did the same thing an hour later. Before R. left for the day, the manager talked to her as well. He told her that you should never date someone who's disrespectful to your family. This manager is only in his 20s, so it wasn't as if a "grown-up" was telling her that. I think the fact that all of her friends have told her she did the right thing is incredible. According to one friend, the bf was complaining that since she broke up with him he's bored. Duh. That's a heck of a reason to be in a relationship.

Y'know... when I hear "It's up to you," or "It's your decision," I feel like I'm being shut out in some way. When she actually asks for your advice, my gosh, go ahead and give it to her!

Just do it in a supportive way... like "Well, yes, honey, I do think you'd be better off if you gave him his ring back." But of course, not "Well, it's about time! I wondered how long it would take you to give up on that loser!"

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That is what I've been trying to do. I want R. to know that I trust her judgment, but also let her know that she can ask me anything and, for better or worse, she'll get the truth out of me. I've always told her that I'd never lie to her, and I don't intend to start now. It's so hard sometimes to know just where to draw the line in giving advice. I'm just incredibly thankful that R. trusts me enough to talk to me about just about everything.