TheCatSite.com › Forums › General Forums › The Cat Lounge › Worst day I've had in awhile!*VENT*
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Worst day I've had in awhile!*VENT*

post #1 of 15
Thread Starter 
My morning started off on the wrong foot by getting my very first speeding ticket today. (I DO plan to at least fight it to save on points). I am a nanny for 5 year old twin boys. I took them to school after getting my ticket, and then came home, only to get a call an hour later that I had to go pick one of them up from school from running away and trying to bite his teacher. While there, the other twin had a fit right in front of me and started hitting his teacher after hitting another kid. She handed him over to me and basically told me to take him too. I have been working with these boys for a month now with not much improvement, they are now in their rooms without toys or noisy books, tv, outside, and tno t-ball game. Nothing seems to work with them! Sorry, I needed to vent.

Should I just give up on the twins?
post #2 of 15
No, don't give up!

It sounds like maybe there isn't enough consistancy. What are the parents' reactions to the boys behaviour? As a fellow nanny, I know that if the parents aren't on board, you're fighting a losing battle. Sit down with the parents and see how they want things handled, how they do things.

However, at 5, they have a limited capacity to equate their punishment with their actions. A good rule of thumb is a time-out lasting as long as their age. For example, a five year old should be out no more than 5 minutes. Taking everything they like away will just make them angry, an emotion that they obviously don't know how to properly express. It will probably lead to more outbursts, just from sheer frustration. I'm not saying that they should still get all their privledges when they've behaved badly, just that confining them to their rooms with no outlet for their anger won't teach them how they SHOULD behave. The key idea here is teaching them what they should be doing INSTEAD of hitting/biting/etc. With kids, the best way to break a bad habit is by replacing the bad behaviour with a new one.

I would suggest doing some structured play and role playing. Make up situations where someone has been hit or hurt and talk about why it's wrong, what feelings the person would be having, etc. Also role play about conflicts and how we SHOULD solve them. Another thing would be to play games that help the kids identify feelings and how to show them. Stress that being angry is PERFECTLY FINE, but hitting is not. Get the boys to show other acceptable ways that a person can show they are angry/sad/upset. Work on words and phrases they can use to voice their feelings, instead of acting out with violence. Whenever they use their words or show their feelings without violence, offer up huge praise. Positive reinforcement works better than negative. At 5, a chart with stickers can be good motivation. For every time they express their anger properly, the put a sticker under their names. Then, at three stickers, or five or whatever, they get some sort of treat. Dollar store trips are good.

Above all, make sure the parents are doing the same thing that you are, because variations in behavioural expectations/standards will always cause the child to have problems, as he won't know what to expect.

Good luck. It's not easy, I know. You can pm me if you have any questions or anything.
post #3 of 15
Thread Starter 
Thanks for the reply. I sent you a PM. You're absolutely right. I'm fighting a losing battle due to the parents lack of discipline with them,
post #4 of 15
that's the sad thing...parents expect these miracles with their children when they ask for/get help...but they need to realise that they have to participate.

You would've thought with the number of nanny real life shows that were/are on that parents would've taken the blunt hint by now.

I hope you're evening is better (and a nice glass of wine/beer/liquor to top off)
post #5 of 15
Leli, what BRILLIANT advice! Where were you when my nephew was such a holy terror?

Some of this might still be helpful with him -- I'm forwarding your post to my brother right now. I'll bet you're one fantastic nanny!
post #6 of 15
Thread Starter 
Blunt?!?! The twins have been kicked out of every daycare they've been too! I don't know how much more of a hint that it has a lot to do with their parenting!
post #7 of 15
Sofiecusion, I pm'd you back. Yeah, I don't know how some parents can rationalize their kids behaviour has nothing to do with their parenting.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CarolPetunia View Post
Leli, what BRILLIANT advice! Where were you when my nephew was such a holy terror?

Some of this might still be helpful with him -- I'm forwarding your post to my brother right now. I'll bet you're one fantastic nanny!
You know what? It's weird because I don't really know HOW I know this junk But, I always gravitated toward kids, even when I still was one. I think a lot of people think about kids in the context of how their misbehaviour affects the parent, instead of what the kids are trying to convey by their unacceptable actions. Kids don't just get violent for no reason....they're angry, frustrated, bored, something! They just don't have the vocabulary and life skills to say "You know, I really don't agree with what you're doing. I object to that particular action/statement/activity. It's made me very upset and I need to take some time to calm myself down before we continue to interact". Instead, a 3 year old will throw a block at your head to let you know.

If you were dropped into a culture where there were very strict rules of social conduct and punished for doing "wrong", but never instructed as to how you SHOULD behave or given any positive reinforcement to help you realize when you're doing right, you'd be pretty mad too.
post #8 of 15
Thread Starter 
Oh, how right you are. I think they are craving attention (even though they are the center of their parents universe when they are home). They may be saying that they are craving discipline and boundaries. They continue to be violent with one another because it's "acceptable" to dad's "boys will be boys" philosophy and it gets everyone's attention. They like to be the center of everyone's attention all the time!

They like to argue with everyone, even adults. They have lots of temper tantrums (to get their way), refuse to listen to rules or when you ask them to do anything), blame others for their mishaps and obnoxious behavior, get angry VERY easily. They are both the definition of defiant. Both have these issues to some extent, but some of the traits are more present in one compared to the other.

I'm at a loss. At what point do I give up???
post #9 of 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by Leli View Post
... At 5, a chart with stickers can be good motivation. For every time they express their anger properly, the put a sticker under their names....
I absolutely agree with this! Works like a charm. When our daughter was three, she started hitting when she was frustrated. I had her make a list (with pictures) about things that made her feel good. She drew things like going outside and playing with her pet chicken, climbing a tree, coloring, etc. We put the list on her bedroom door, and when she was frustrated or upset, she'd look at the list and do one of those things to calm herself down.

Every day that she did not hit, she got a star on her calendar. It was a BIG deal to her! I didn't even do a bigger reward after; just the stars worked fantastically.
post #10 of 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by sofiecusion View Post
Oh, how right you are. I think they are craving attention (even though they are the center of their parents universe when they are home). They may be saying that they are craving discipline and boundaries. They continue to be violent with one another because it's "acceptable" to dad's "boys will be boys" philosophy and it gets everyone's attention. They like to be the center of everyone's attention all the time!

They like to argue with everyone, even adults. They have lots of temper tantrums (to get their way), refuse to listen to rules or when you ask them to do anything), blame others for their mishaps and obnoxious behavior, get angry VERY easily. They are both the definition of defiant. Both have these issues to some extent, but some of the traits are more present in one compared to the other.

I'm at a loss. At what point do I give up???
If your going to give up anyway, be frank with the parents. Tell them flat out that these boys have nothing wrong with them other than they are allowed to behave this way. Rules and boundries are necessary. Parents are not loving their children less because they hold them to standards and let the kids be upset. In fact, they are loving them more. It's unreasonable to believe you are doing your kid good by not allowing him to feel disappointed, to fail, to lose, to be angry. Every single one of us has these feelings as humans. A parent's job is to teach the child HOW to have these feelings, not to stifle them.

Besides, what's going to happen when they grow up? Do you really think they'll be successful in life and career if they expect everyone will bend over backwards for them or give in if they make a fuss???? They are doing these kids harm by trying to protect them from not getting their way.

Worst case, the parents fire you and probably have a tantrum of their own. But, if you're giving up anyway, at least you made a last ditch effort to help the poor kids before their parents baby them into teenaged hellions destined for prison.

I wish I had a magic solution to wake the parents up, but unfortunately some people are convinced that, if something is wrong, it's always someone else's fault.
post #11 of 15
Thread Starter 
How do you tell someone their parenting is all wrong when I'm not even a parent myself?!?!?! I don't want to make them feel defensive.
post #12 of 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by sofiecusion View Post
How do you tell someone their parenting is all wrong when I'm not even a parent myself?!?!?! I don't want to make them feel defensive.
Tell the parents about the latest incident, and tell them you have a plan to help with the bad behavior but you need their support. Hopefully, since they are clueless what to do, they'll welcome your strategies.
post #13 of 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by sofiecusion View Post
They have lots of temper tantrums (to get their way), refuse to listen to rules or when you ask them to do anything), blame others for their mishaps and obnoxious behavior, get angry VERY easily. They are both the definition of defiant. Both have these issues to some extent, but some of the traits are more present in one compared to the other.
Are you talking about the twins or the parents? (sorry, just kidding). I would lock them in the closet, but that's why I'm NOT a nanny or a mommy or ever plan to be! I don't have any advice on how to deal with the kids, but I do agree to try to set something up with the parents where rules are set and followed. Consistency has to be maintained, whether you are there or not. You are not a miracle worker, and the parents have to understand that.

Good luck hon! I thought My job was tough.
post #14 of 15
Thread Starter 
**UPDATE**

Well, last night mom and dad discussed the fact that the boys don't seem to be responding to no privlages. So, mom has come up with a new plan to have them do chores instead (like dusting, sweeping, folding laundry, etc). However, I don't think this is going to work either because when she told them this, they were excited! They can't wait! They werem asking to see what they could clean when I was there! I honestly don't know what will work anymore!
post #15 of 15
I don't know what I can add, except I feel your pain and I am sorry they are giving you such a tough time. I hope you don't give up on the boys - they are probably testing you as they have probably had many people give up on them in the past.
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: The Cat Lounge
TheCatSite.com › Forums › General Forums › The Cat Lounge › Worst day I've had in awhile!*VENT*