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Divorce, anyone?

post #1 of 29
Thread Starter 
I am prompted to start this thread by a conversation I had with Mum yesterday. She had had someone comment about some of her extended family members being divorced, as if that were an indictment on the whole family. I said to her, `Mum, it's no big deal - it's got nothing to do with you. I'm divorced, and you were and are a great mother!'.

And then it hit me. I'm divorced. To be honest, my ex-husband and my life with him is so far from my mind and memory that it actually startled me to remember that I was with this man for nearly 7 years, and married for six of them. Being divorced is like an external event in my life, like a long-gone date in my memory. I never even think about it.

I felt bad about that, too. Shouldn't it mean more? Shouldn't the fact that I failed at a marriage mean more? I feel very confident that I did everything I possibly could, in every way, to make that marriage work. And I ended up being miserable for just about my entire 20s. But divorce is something that happens to one in two couples - so what's the problem? Is it us? Or is it the institution of marriage itself?

There was a thread similar to this one (but about marriage) a while ago so I'm going to differentiate by asking this question. Are you divorced? More than once? If so, how do you feel about it, and would you have done anything differently?
post #2 of 29
I am divorced also.My first husband was an _____. I suffered through years of abuse.
Do I wish things were different? NO!! I mean, I do NOT for one single minute wish that we were still together.I have grown so much since that marriage and I am 10000000000000000000000000000000000 times happier now.
Would I have done anything different? YES!! I would have gotten out of that shamble of a marriage alot sooner.
I really do hate that man.I don't use that word often.But, he is a no good useless piece of garbage.
He took ME to court over visitation and won.Let me explain................
He saw both the kids 2 weeks before Christmas of 2000.He then came back in 2004 to see them.I told him to hit the road and not look back.He actually took me to court and won.I was so peed off.The Judge said that he did have rights and that I had better let him see him--Amber was now 14 and had the choice of not seeing her biolodgical whatever you want to call him.So, visits were set up.12 of them and then he could legally take Devin to another state.Don't think so!!!! I told the Judge he would have to arrest me before I would EVER let that happen.
Well guess what? That was in 2004................do you know when the last time was that he contacted Devin? IN 2005..............ONLY because I called him about my Dad's passing.
So that court hearing really did alot.Huh?
I would never in a million years trade my years with my current hubby.He is my soulmate/best friend/lover/and the one that holds me up when I need it.
Do I feel bad that the marriage didn't work? NOPE!!! It takes 2 to make it work and there really never was a marriage to be honest.
post #3 of 29
I am a child of divorced parents, and I'll tell you this. Their divorce was the best thing to ever happen to me. My parents should have never EVER been married. They had no idea how to communicate ideas to each other, they had no common interests, and they didn't even get along for ten years.

Once they finally split I got my Mom and Dad back. They stopped fighting like two children, and became two very happy people. As most of you know, Mom lives in Alaska and Dad lives in Ohio. Trust me, that is the proper amount of distance between the two of them.

I've told them if they ever got back together I'd stop speaking to both of them.
post #4 of 29
If I had it to do all over again, I definitely wouldn't have married my first husband and would not have married at 16. That lasted 3 years, with one child and ended with one punch.

I was with my last husband, for 12 years (married for 8). Six years later, I STILL don't know what caused him to get nutso and run off with a piece of Internet trash.

Prior to my last marriage, I was was widowed. If Russ hadn't died, I'd STILL be married to him (22 years in October). I'm sure that he and I would still be loving, laughing and finishing each others' sentences.
post #5 of 29
Both of my sisters are divorced and tbh I never really think about it. I certainly don't think badly of them for being divorced. One remarried and has now been happily married for 11 years, the other has never remarried although she did live with someone and have a child with him (they were going to get married but split up before the wedding) and is now a single parent. I don't think divorce reflects badly on other family members or necessarily on the people directly involved. Sometimes it's for the best. It takes 2 people to make a marriage work and if one of them wants to get divorced there's not much the other can do about in anyway.

As for me - never married and never divorced
post #6 of 29
My father was married three times (divorced twice and past away during his third marriage), my mom has also been divorced twice! Some things aren't worth saving, some issues can't come to a conclusion, and some things cannot be mended! I don't assume that because my mother is a divorce professional that I am to follow in her footsteps, but I also know that if I am unhappy I don't intend to stay! Life is too short to be committed to misery! I find nothing wrong with breaking free from a situation of doom! I myself plan to never marry because the statistics and my personal experience convince me not too! It's a verbal vow and a piece of paper and for some reason it seems to damper alot of relationships! BTW Im so glad my mom divorced my father and my former stepfather...I am unhappy that it took my mom thirteen years to do so...especially after all that had happend... I'll spare you the details!
post #7 of 29
Divorce is not really a bad word. Problem is most of us do not take the time to really find the right person and for whatever excuses, marry the wrong one - pay for it years later. We all make poor choices in life.

What you should be doing is evaluate what happened, why it happened and not repeat the same mistakes - learn from your experience.

Both DH and I were married for stupid reasons to the wrong person first time around. After our divorces, we evaluated what a GOOD marriage partner was and before we met, knew what we wanted and more imporatant, what we didn't want. We have a very strong loving marriage now - and know what real love/marriage is. Divorce is NOT in our vocabulary. And we agree that the only reasons to divorce are abuse of any kind or adultry (cheating). Most anything else can be worked out.

DH married his ex because she was pregnant. But problems still existed and it just got worse and worse over time. They were married 20 yrs - he kicked her out and divorced when he caught her cheating on him.

I picked the wrong person cause I thought I would never get married and said yes to the first one that asked. He also turned out to be verbally/emotionally abusive to me. My marriage lasted 17 yrs - but the last 10 + years were more/less existing in the same house because of our son and my ex's threats. There was no love - probably never really was.

Neither of us (DH and I) feel bad about divorce - we learned from it and if we hadn't both gone thru H*ll with the ex's we would have never appreciated each other now
post #8 of 29
My beliefe is that the divorce rate is so high because we have become a disposable culture. Of course I don't apply this to everyone. Sometimes people to try everything in their power to make a marriage work. However, times have changed alot. It's not such a taboo to divorce like it was 30 years ago. And again theres the idea of disposal. Example: I have a brand new high quality vacuume that my fiance pulled out of a dumpster. It had a major clog and the belt was broken. What did it's prior owners do? Toss it. It took me about 30 minutes and $5 to get it good as new again. We see it all the time with pet owners too. "Oh, the cat is clawing. Let's get rid of it." or "They don't match my new furniture." So, people rush into marriage thinking "If it doesn't work I'll just get a divorce."
post #9 of 29
Exactly - they go into marriage with the "when" we divorce........not an "IF" we divorce. So they set in their minds (subconciously) they WILL divorce up the road..........not a good thing IMO.
post #10 of 29
I do agree that it should be an "if" rather then "when". However with the number of divorces these days I know i personally still view it as strictly a gamble.

I was talking with my SIL the other day and she was giving me tidbits about marriage (her and my bro have been together almost 11 years! First marriage for both too). She said that the classes she and brother had to take started off making each couple look at one another. The teacher then said "Half of you will be divorced within 5 years". She then said that many people get married to be married...not necessarily out of love or reason...just the whole idea of planning a wedding to get married or to say that you're married, whether or not it works out.

I think many marriages fail because many people realise they have rights. Women no longer have to be in an abusive relationship (any form). We're not necessarily a culture of community anymore - we're an individualistic society now. Sure we can still care about other people and help each other out, but I hear more "He needs to respect what I want to do" or "She needs to accept my needs" rather then "We respect each other".

I think when you begin to use the terms "I" "My" "Me" in any situation that the marriage begins to no longer be about the both of you...its just about you. If you can keep the relationship on a communal level you can survive.

These trigger terms aren't limited to just being an individual...if you're being abused and use these terms, "He shouldn't beat me" or "You should respect me" then that's a sign.
post #11 of 29
I find it rude when people try to tell others that they cant get married because they are too young and stupid to know what they want and will end in divorce.

You only live once, we all make mistakes, if you marry and divorce you made your experience, it doesnt make you a bad person, Its just like breaking up with several guys, except in marriage there is alot more money involved in divorcing and a few pieces of papers.
post #12 of 29
Originally Posted by lunasmom View Post
She then said that many people get married to be married...not necessarily out of love or reason...just the whole idea of planning a wedding to get married or to say that you're married, whether or not it works out.
Two of my friends got married for pretty much this reason -- to get married and to be able to say that they were married -- and for the reason that the groom wanted to make his father happy. Not surprisingly, the marriage ended. He didn't respect her as a person (I was amongst the first to notice this, because I was more or less an outsider to the group at the time, and I couldn't help but notice how often he referred to her simply as "my wife" and not by her name) and he expected to be able to continue behaving as he did when he was a bachelor, that he could go out and have wild parties, come home drunk and she'd be supportive of that. He also didn't appreciate that she was a cat person and wasn't happy living in an apartment where they weren't allowed to have cats (her three cats ended up living with me). I'm sure she contributed to the unhappiness of their relationship, but I'm really only familiar with her side of the story (he and I are still friends, but we don't talk about stuff like this).

I'd like to think that my relationship with J will stand the test of time, but we're still both going to sign prenuptials, and we're both keeping some of our finances separate. Both of us come from families where are parents and grandparents are still together (or would be, if death hadn't intervened), so I know that statistically that gives us a bit of an edge, but we're also both rational, independent, pragmatic people: if, for whatever reason, things don't work out and no amount of therapy, counselling or soul-searching can make things right, I think we're both smart enough to know when to call it quits. I hope it never happens, but yes, the sad fact is, many marriages end in divorce and it's unrealistic not to at least be prepared for it. Plan for the worst, hope for the best.
post #13 of 29
If you're getting married - do it for the right reasons - not the wrong ones. IMO you should open your eyes to both successful marriages and those that had problems.

When DH and I got together and talked about marriage, one of the first things we did (apart) was to make a list of about 15 things we considered "ideal" for what marriage should be. Then when we got together we compared the lists.

Between the 2 lists, we matched a lot of "ideals" and we incorporated them into one big "Marriage Rules". I think its about 20 different things that I typed up, we framed and its hanging on the wall in our bedroom.

After 5 very happy years of marriage we have NOT broken a single rule!

IMO the 3 most important things to remember: communication, love, and trust - without these - you won't have a marriage very long.
post #14 of 29
I LOVE your list! What a great idea... especially framing it so it's always there. I also couldn't agree more about the 3 most important things.
post #15 of 29
If anyone is curious about our "rules" - here's what we typed up - modify it as appropriate for you to use


Keep God in our lives and thank Him for each day we have together.

Don’t sweat the small stuff.

Give 100% to each other – partners beside each other, not always in front, not always behind. Never let others come between us.

Respect each other and each other’s space, belongings, and choices. Respect each other’s families. Share household responsibilities as neither are slaves of each other.

Open communications – to be able to come and talk about anything without fear and without yelling. Don’t be bossy with each other. Be willing to compromise when disagreeing. Major purchases should be decided on together.

Be honest with each other and have trust in each other and show they can be trusted. Keep things that should stay between us there and not told to the world.

Love each other with hugs & kisses and say “I love you†each day. Build memories together.

Make love to each other; never just have sex and never hold sex against each other.

Have fun together and be active together in both big/little things. Stay in the learning stages for growing.

Never go to bed angry with each other.

Set goals and dreams together and work together for them. Encourage each other daily. Be there for each other; lean on each other for positive support.

Be faithful to each other and to ourselves and never lie to each other.

Give each other “alone time†without clinging and have at least one weekend alone with each other without pressures as often as you can.

Make each other feel wanted without feeling you need the person. Never abuse each other verbally/physically/emotionally.

post #16 of 29
Wow so that is what a healthy relationship is suppose to be like.... LOL! Good rules wish they were abided by in my situation!
post #17 of 29
Those are truely beautiful! It makes me VERY happy that we already abide by many of these. It gives me hope for our future together. I already have faith in us. Thanks!
post #18 of 29
That's a wonderful list...I can't think of anything at all it would be missing.
post #19 of 29
I'm not divorced and I can say we have to work hard at our marriage, we can't let things slide. I sometimes think that divorce is the best thing for some people. You are not the same person as you were when you were married and if when you and your partner are grawing and changing, if you are growing in different ways and in different paths, then sometimes it is healthier to get a divorce.

Saying that however, doesn't change the fact that I think many people get married nowadays without thinking things through completely and that they use divorce instead of working together as an easy route out. I have had challenge in my marriage to the point of thinking of divorce, but we worked together and now have a stronger mariage for it.
post #20 of 29
Well No one goes into a marriage wishing to be divorced. No one says "I want to get divoced when I grow up". It just happens to some people. Divorce is very rare in my family. 1 of my close cousins is divorced. She is alot happier now then she was near the end of her marriage. Just like those who are married are very happily married. People change, people grow apart. It's nothing to be ashamed of.
post #21 of 29
I've been divorced from my ex husband since July 1st 2002.
We were married for 4yrs before I left him then the divorce took a year and half, but were together almost 2 yrs before we married.

I was 18 when I married him. WAAAAAAAAAY too young The only good thing that came out of the marriage is my son (Justice). I married him to get out of my parents house. Not a wise choice.

I don't think there is anything wrong with divorce as long as you don't use it as a "scapegoat".
My current husband and I have had WAY more problems when my first husband and we've somehow managed to work through it.
post #22 of 29
My parents divorced when I was 4-5 separated a year or so before... I think it was a good thing Dad found a new wife at the bar and Mom found out and said lets split...
post #23 of 29
Some people should be divorced but cling to that idea that a divorce is a failure-- your relationship may have failed, but you didn't. Yes, you should go into a marriage thinking it will and wanting it to last forever. But people shouldn't feel trapped in a marriage either.

I don't know why people judge a divorce any more than they would a marriage. Somebody else's relationship, somebody else's life... it's of no concern to me.
post #24 of 29
I'm divorced! And happier than I've ever been I was with my ex for 4 years before we got married, living together for 2 of those, but our marraige only lasted about 2 years (ytotal together about 6.5 years), I'm very very glad that I had the guts to get out as early as I did, alcohol helped alot I'll admit we really never should have gotten married, but the ball was rolling and I thought "it will get better" I learned from my failed marriage....that I'm not really meant to get married
post #25 of 29
I have never divorced, neither has my husband. We dated for many years before getting married, we still remain wonderful friends first and foremost.
My parents are still together and are very much in love, so are his parents. Neither set has been divorced. Even after more than 50 years of marriage, our grandparents (his mom and dad's parents, my dad's parents) did not divorce.
post #26 of 29
My beliefs about divorce have been influenced by my Catholic upbringing, I'm sure. Interesting how easily I could let go of the whole "god complex" but some of the cultural dogma has yet to reslease its grasp.


The reasons I think the divorce rate so high center around people being basically selfish, wanting it all, all the time, right away. I think it's commom in this day and age to sort of use relationships to gratify something within ourselves. And to be sure, a marriage should be fulfilling for both people! But, I think people forget about the whole "Don't just marry someone you DO love, marry someone you CAN love" thing. People grow and change, people have moods, people all have different things they need to feel loved. I don't think people, by and large, really inquire as to what their partner needs to feel loved, because we're so concerned with gratifying ourselves.

I think another thing we sort of have going against us is what I like to call "ticking clock syndrome". We're conditioned to wait until, what...our 30's now? ("Your 30's are the new's 20's") Even older? So, we become set in our ways, "successful" and then we try to add in the last element OMGRIGHTAWAY. I think this delaying of "settling" does 2 things: it makes people rush into things and it makes people sort of glorify settling down. No. Settling down with someone is HARD. Serious relationships are WORK. Anyone who says differently is selling something. You have to deal with someone at their absolute worst, while maintaining that love and devotion. And you both have to eliminate that trap door in the relationship. My personal belief is that, for me, I'd only be comfortable getting a divorce if I were being abused or REPEATEDLY cheated on.
post #27 of 29
Im currently in the process of getting divorced. Not by choice hubby left me because he decided he didnt like being married. Im still not over it but theres not much I can do about it.
post #28 of 29
I'm amazed to see the rationality and openness that you people are illuminating.

Truly inspiring. I just wish more people would be as courageous as you are to take the steps you've taken.
post #29 of 29
Originally Posted by Fostermomm View Post
Im currently in the process of getting divorced. Not by choice hubby left me because he decided he didnt like being married. Im still not over it but theres not much I can do about it.
Ooooo...I'm so sorry to hear that
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