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how would you handle this?

post #1 of 20
Thread Starter 
I am a little ticked off, need to vent,I have my 89 year old mother-in-law living with myself and husband,she told us about 3 month ago she wanted a bathrobe with buttons,we could not find one in town, so I went on e-bay found one bid and got it her favortie color right size an I got it in the mail today and gave it to her, She resposes.I don;t like it,SEND IT BACK! No, oh you found one thank you just SEND IT BACK! Nothing I do is right for her,I give up,been trying for a year now. Thanks for letting me vent!
post #2 of 20
Poor thing. I feel your pain...only my "pain" is a crew of people who just don't give a rats bottom so to speak.
My opinion is if you can fit in it, wear it.then just dont' get her one again. if she asks why you are wearing it just say, because I bought it and might as well use it don't you think? Oops my mouth ran away with my fingers. sorry, I'd just wear it and not give er the satisfaction of knowing it bothered you..
post #3 of 20

You poor thing! I imagine mom doesn't know that returning stuff bought on eBay is easier said than done. I know that this isn't going to sound too comforting, but you're not going to change her at age 89. Just put the darn robe away and forget about it. No use in getting yourself all stressed out.
post #4 of 20
It is a demanding task, caring for an elderly relative at home, even if they are fairly healthy. I commend over and over you for doing this. I would keep the robe and get her something else, if you can't wear it, maybe it could be a nice Christmas gift for someone else. I know first hand how frustrating trying to please an ornery elderly lady, especially an in-law, can be, and the fewer things you can let her get to you over, the saner you will stay. I took care of my s/o's grandmother during her final days. She was an ornery old bird, always had been, but we had been good friends for years before she became ill. Sometimes it seemed like she was just trying to get under my skin, and I just wanted to thump her little gray noggin! I can't remember the name of the author, but there is a book called "The 36 Hour Day" that deals with the frustrations of caring for the elderly. It helped me a lot.
post #5 of 20
I totally sympathise with you!! Although my Mother in Law is no-where near as old as yours, I will still never ever be good enough for her... nothing I do is ever good or right, all I can say is that before it used to annoy the heck out of me, now I just find it funny that she's so pathetic!! I have a little laugh every time she says something snidey or whatever.. it amuses me, and annoys her... :laughing: (maybe not the perfect answer, but it works for me... haha)
Seriously though, I would just either keep the robe for yourself, or put it away and forget it as has already been mentioned, but I wouldn't bother trying to get her another one. Maybe give her a mail order catalogue and let her order herslef one, that way, she can't moan!
post #6 of 20
Well...sometimes our best intentions go unappreciated. I would either keep the robe for yourself or give it to someone who can use it and WILL appreciate it.

As for her reaction, how long has she been living with you? Maybe she is still adjusting to having to give up her independence and is wrongfully taking it out on you. I would not, however, buy things like that for her in the future. Just to keep your feelings from being hurt, if nothing else.

I like the idea of giving her a catalog and letting her pick her own gifts. That way she can't ever say she doesn't like it!

Hope things improve for you. Having a parent or an in-law living with you has got to be tough. I know Mike and I talk about the possibility of his Mom needing to live with us at some point. And while he loves her to death, he is not looking forward to that day. Guess I'll have to join a "Living with your Mother-In-Law" forum soon.:laughing:
post #7 of 20
That is a tough situation. My mother-in-law is somewhat like Bod's (we should have a chat about that Bod!!!). She still has the gifts we've given her over the past couple years packed in boxes. Nothing is ever good enough for her or....it looks to complicated to even try plugging it in. She returns any clothes we buy (I stopped buying her clothes last year). It's a no-pleasing her situation. As for your mother-in-law, you don't really mention if this is an on-going problem with her. If it is a one time thing, then don't let it get to you and just keep the robe. At that age, there is really so little that they have control of. They have to count on someone to do groceries, they don't come and go as they please and sometimes, this bothers them more than we think. Perhaps this is just her way of having her say in something. I don't know...I'd give her the benefit of the doubt and maybe just ask her why she doesn't like it. Ask her if there is something that could be changed and would she wear it if, let's say: you changed the buttons??? Now....if she is always like this: then don't worry about it. There is nothing you can say or do or buy that will ever make her happy. Trust me, I know from experience!
post #8 of 20
:laughing: Ghys - feel free... I have a few "charming" stories to tell... :laughing:
post #9 of 20
Sorry she didnt like the robe that you bought her. I would either keep it or give it to someone else.
I think it must be hard to please somoene who is like that; I would maybe then give a check for them to pick something out.
post #10 of 20
Tigger - I know a lot of people are offended if you give them money as a gift, but in this case I have to agree - it seems as if Mum in Law is looking to pick holes in any possible gift and money for her to buy what she want might be the best option.

All the reasonings posted so far make perfect sense, however although it obviously is annoying the lady is 89 and people at that age can become very difficult.

Sherral - could you talk to your husband about it? His mother might be feeling as if she is a burden on your household and is reacting by protecting herself and putting up hostile walls. Maybe she does feel ill at ease and awkward?

Try not to get too screwed up by it but instead take a deep breath, take a step backwards and possibly ask her why she does not like the dressing gown when it seems to exactly fit the bill of what she was looking for.

Good luck
post #11 of 20
I don't get offended if I get money for a gift. My grandmother (my dad's mom) used to always get me stuff that I did not like & I ended up having to take it back. My husband's parents give checks, which is fine.
How about a gift certificate? Those always come in handy, too!
post #12 of 20
Tigger - I don't get offended by being given money as gifts either - the more the merrier as far as I'm concerned!!

But some do - especially older folk who were brought up with the ethos that giving money is vulgar.

But tokens or vouchers are a great alternative - most come with nice seasonal cards that you can write a message in. It's a good compromise.
post #13 of 20
sherrol,....oops. I just read the part in your post where you mention this has been going on for a year. Please disregard most of my post as it seems I did not catch that part!

As for the money thing. That is probably the only gift we give that brings a smile on my MIL's face. (She is a huge Bingo fanatic - goes everynight). Of course, I also grin ear-to-ear when I get some too!!!!! But....I much prefer a real gift than the paper one. It seems I never do end up buying myself something nice when I receive cash as a gift. It normally goes into groceries or some other boring thing.
post #14 of 20
Thread Starter 
I have gotten over it,I work in a nursing home,I took the robe and gave it to a little old lady,who loved it,she has no family here,My mother in-law has lived with us for a little over a year,she has always been this way. Her son can not do any thing right for her either.We both have given up,money it shell be from know on!
Happy Thanksgiving!
post #15 of 20
Oh, that's great you found someone who liked it!
post #16 of 20
what is it about mother in laws that dont think we are good enough for their sons?!?! I have the same problem with my mother in law, but I can honestly say, we think its part what she has, borderline personality disorder, and she is incredibly difficult, manipulative, and thats an understatement. I dont want to say bad things about her, but she has hurt me so much and I better shut up before I start raving about her.
post #17 of 20
Kiwi, if you ever want to "rave" about her - feel free to PM or email me... I have exactly the same trouble!!

Sherral46, I'm glad the robe didn't go to waste!!
post #18 of 20
How ungrateful!The next time she acts like that I would say to her "I'm sorry you don't like it, I was just thinking of you and you had mentioned you wanted a (whatever she asked for). I unfortunatly can't send it back because it was especially made just for you. I guess I should ask next time before I go thru all that hassle. I just wanted to make you happy and surprise you." That should knock her down a peg or two!
post #19 of 20
That was sweet of you to give the robe to someone who appreciated it! And I feel bad for you that your mother-in-law is so ungrateful!!! I don't know how you live with her!! She should appreciate the fact that you are letting her live with you and have not put her in a home!
post #20 of 20
Thread Starter 
She better be damn glad I don;t put her in one!If she falls and breckes her hip again she will be in one,thats why she's living here now. Thats what the dr.says anyway.She is getting a card with money in it for christmas.Today she is in a good mood."Right now anyways!"mother-in-law
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