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must vent going to kill him

post #1 of 20
Thread Starter 
My boyfriend is a complete ass. We've been together for 2 yrs. He does not care about anything except football. For those of you who haven't read past threads, Shawn and I have constantly fought over chores. First of all during football season I can't get him to do anything. God forbid if the Browns, Bears, or OSU are playing.Shawn is the laziest person I have ever known. He has a skin condition which makes him unable to put his hands in water for extended periods of time. Hence, I do the dishes, mop the floors, anything that involves water. He never picks up after himself. I cleaned the livingroom Saturday. Sunday night there were 7 empty Mountain Dew cans on the coffee table along with a lot of other stuff. I have to ask him to do things. He never takes initiative to do anything by himself. So immature! Yesterday, I asked him what we should do for Thanksgiving. I told him I thought it would be fair to have it at my parents this year since we did it at his family's last year. Then we can spend Christmas with his family. He proceeded to tell me he did not want to do that and that I would have to take him to Sandusky. (He doesn't have a car)He has never met my family in the two years I've dated him and I mentioned this to him. Well" he's not into the family thing" was his reply. He is so selfish! He takes no interest in things that I care about. I've tried to show interest in football and sports. He never wants to go where I want to go or do things I like to do. I like to try different things. He can't stand change or anything different. I can't see myself marrying him. I love him but we have nothing in common.I think I would be a lot better off without him. He snores too!
post #2 of 20
Hi Neeners-It sounds like you are having a lot of problems with your boyfried. I am sorry to hear that. My husband acts just like that sometimes and it makes me really mad , so I totally understand where you are coming from. Although, he isn't as bad as your boyfriend sounds. Hubby and I talked about it and what we found to work was that you should give him specific chores that he has to do every day or every week. That way, he is more likely to do them then if you just tell him to do something. If you tell him to just do something, then he will never do anything because he won't know what he should do and he definitely won't take the initiative.

For instance, it is hubby's job to be incharge of the dishes, and the trash/recycling. That means that he has to take the trash out when it smells or gets full and he has to take the recycling out once a week and he has to load and unload the dishwasher and run the dishwasher. So far, so good. He has been doing it and I haven't had to nag him much at all.

As far as the holiday thing, I really don't know what to tell you. It sounds like he is stubborn and he only wants to go where he wants to. You should tell him that you've gone with him so now its his turn to go with you and that its only fair that way. If he still puts up a stink, then you should tell him that you feel hurt that he has no interest in your family, eventhough you go with him to his familys'.

Another thing...and I hate to say this...maybe you two just aren't meant to be together. If this is how he treats you, then maybe he just doens't love you like you think he does. I'm sure that there is someone out there who would be willing to do chores and who will go with you to your family's house.

Good luck! Let us know what happens.
post #3 of 20
Nenners, I so completely understand your frustration. It is possible for them to become better around the house. Mine is a living testament to that, but it took a lot of time. It took 2 years just to get him to close the stupid shower curtain! He does do that almost all the time, now, though. And our house is actually livable now, too. I was ashamed to have people over before. It was a hurricane zone, which he only cared how it looked when his friends were coming over.

As for Thanksgiving/Christmas, I think your arrangement sounds very fair. If he's been with you for 2 years, it is high time he meet your family! If nothing else, I would flat out refuse to take him to Sandusky. That's not exactly a short drive, and he can either go with you to your family's house or stay home and eat leftovers. You definitely have the upper hand in that situation, being that you have the only car.

(((HUGS))) and don't kill him. You'll just go to jail and then you won't be able to come to The Cat Site.
post #4 of 20
Thread Starter 
He knows what he is supposed to do! Sunday is laundry day. Dirties go down stairs. Tuesday is trash day, trash goes to the curb. That's all I ask him to do for the most part. I have to laugh though because I've also asked him to pull the shower curtain shut. (less mildew build up) At least he put's the seat down on the toliet! I make him take the clothes down stairs or I don't do his! Yesterday, he tried to trick me in thinking that he put the clothes away. He brought a empty basket downstairs. I went upstairs and discovered that he put that clean load in with another basket of clean laundry and shoved it into the back of the closet to make it "appear" he put them away. It does not help my attitude because I've stopped smoking and I'm going through withdraw. I'm very moody. Sometimes I feel like screaming!
post #5 of 20
Why are you with him? It seems that you could be with a person who is the one you want to be with, instead of with someone you don't have a future with.
Is he working and paying bills too? Have you told him you don't see a future with him? Why haven't you had your parents over for dinner to meet him? Am I a pest or what???
Maybe you could change the relationship to a room mate situation? Could you stand it if he were to date other people? Are you better off with him or without him?
I've had my share of "relationships" that went no-where. I had to cut them free so I could find the "one".
Give him a list of chores, let him know (nicely) that is these are not done properly, he will have to pay you for the "extra" chores you have to do. You are not his mother, maid, or wife. He is no longer a child and needs to be a real man and do his share.
These are just thoughts to ponder and you, of course, don't have to act on any of them!
We are pulling for you and hope things work out for the best (what ever that is for you).
post #6 of 20
When (now) hubby and I started living together I would call my mother and complain to high heaven about him. She laughed and told me that most of my complaints (not picking up, not having any common household sense, not being very considerate at home) really weren't his fault. He's just a man and it takes time to train them how to live without their mother around. I learned more about my Dad when we had those talks - and he did a lot of the same things that drove me nuts about Earl! It took her years to get him to close the shower curtain, too. LOL

Many times when I was up in arms about one thing or another I saw no future for us, either. It's so easy to get so mad you can't see straight, and then let off steam to whoever is there to listen. Many of my friends couldn't understand why I was with him. All I did was complain, never told them the good things about him. And you have the stress of quitting smoking on top of all that! Holy Cow! Think about the nice things about him, why you are with him. If those good things still give you a warm fuzzy feeling then it's not all that bad.

I still stand by what I said about Thanksgiving/Christmas. You are not being unreasonable at all, and he cannot expect you to give up your family just because he came into your life. They were there before him, and they will be there if/when he's gone, too.
post #7 of 20
You have my complete and utter sympathy. I'm afraid I don't have too much advice, I mostly just wanted to let you know that someone feels bad for you.

I do, however, have a couple of comments. This "skin condition" sounds a bit fishy-how does he ever bathe or wash his hands?!?! One more thought about that: WalMart (or at least my local one) sells a rectangular shaped bucket that has a basket-type-thing attached to the top. You use the basket-thing to wring out your mop (place mop in basket-thing while twisting on the handle and pressing downwards). Thus, you can mop without having your hands in icky mop water too much. (I am a bit of a priss. ). What do you suppose he would do if you got something like this and took away his water excuse?
post #8 of 20
Wow he sounds so much like my ex boyfriend. He sat around and wouldn't do anything, never worked, never wanted to do any family stuff, only had a car because I bought it for him, never wanted to out anywhere, etc. He was also abusive.
I wasted 13 years with him and finally woke up to myself and moved on. I tried to talk things over many times and we'd either end up in a big fight or he'd just go along with it and then do nothing anyway.
It got to the stage where I knew I was never going to marry this guy, yet I still remained there in the hope it would get better. After that it did not improve and progressed to the stage where I did not love him anymore and actually wasn't even sure if I ever really did.
Have some time to yourself and a good think about what you want to do. Then have a discussion with him and let him know exactly how you are feeling. Tell him it cannot continue the way things are. I'd be asking him how he really feels about you, because to treat you as he does just doesn't seem right. He needs to know how upset this is making you.
There are ways to get around the allergy, like gloves. And you wanting to spend thanksgiving with your family is fair enough. Like others here have said he either goes with you, stays home or finds his own way to his family's place.
I completely understand your frustration with the situation and wish you the best of luck in resolving things.
Chin up!
post #9 of 20
Buy the lazy slug a Swiffer Wet Jet! Seriously, it sounds like there are deeper issues than just chores. If he has not met your family after 2 years, I would really wonder about his intentions. Since I don't know him, I hate to judge him, but I really agree with DragonLady. It would be a shame to waste any more time with a relationship that is not going to get better. I work with a girl that has been with a guy for 7 years, and she is only 21. She doesn't know how to get rid of him, and has basically wasted what were supposed to be the best years of her life supporting a lazy, worthless, slimeball. They have 2 handicapped kids together, not married, and he seldom keeps a job. She keeps telling herself it will get better. I finally had to ask her "is he here because you love him, or do you love him because he is here?" She sat down and cried her eyes out. I think she is finally trying to summon up the courage to get rid of him. I would really hate to see you go through that. I hope I do not sound harsh, I do not mean to.
post #10 of 20
Nenners..first of all..what is Sandusky? I seriously have no clue.

and have been with him for TWO years and he has never met your family??? And he says it's because he's just not into the whole 'family' thing???? What's up with that???

I don't think your suggestion of Thanksgiving with your family and Christmas with his is out of line at a relationship you have to share family time.

And I know how you feel about spending all day cleaning, and then the next morning it is trashed again. I have glass coffee/end tables in the living room...all I ever ask of him is to please use coasters so I don't have to clean them every single I will clean the room, and if I don't go back in it for a few hours, when I do, there are pop or beer cans on the table, sticky popsicle sticks laying on the glass, candy bar wrappers, etc. etc. can't they realize this is important to us???

Don't feel bad about being moody...I am too. But it helps lessen the moodiness if we feel our wishes are somewhat respected, right?

I know you love him....I love my hubby too...and wouldn't want to be without and your boyfriend have some serious issues that need to be addressed before the realtionship goes any further.

My hubby may annoy the crap out of me sometimes....but he has met my family, loves them, and doesn't mind spending time with them, even though they are very different from him.

It is important that the man you love wants to spend time with your family as well.

I am by no means suggesting you give up on this relationship....but you do need to take a long hard look at it before it progresses to the possible marriage stage, and decide whether or not you can be happy living like this forever. If the answer is no...then I wouldn't commit to probably won't change once you get married, and may get worse.

We are here for you anytime you need to vent....and our advice may or may not be the best, but the main thing is...we care...and we want you to be happy!
post #11 of 20
Sounds like it's time for a dumping

However it appears we have swithced roles here. I could complain about her the way you have complained about men. I will have her straightend out soon though. Good luck to you!
post #12 of 20
Jason, anytime you want to vent, even though it is about a member of "our" sex..:LOL:....we will listen and not judge...
post #13 of 20
Debby, just to answer your question about Sandusky, it is a town on the lakeshore of Lake Erie, almost 3 hours (!) from Columbus (where she lives). Has a great amusement park - Cedar Point. Best roller coaster amusement in the world!

Jason, if ever you need to vent, feel free. Just because it is mainly women here doesn't mean we would take her side. After all, we know and like you!
post #14 of 20
How are things going for you? Better, I hope!
post #15 of 20
Thread Starter 
Things are a little better. He did what I asked him to do this weekend. However, he got into my Christmas stash and ate a tin of candy that was for someone's gift. He didn't even ask! He is not going to go to my parents for Thanksgiving. His Dad is coming to Columbus Weds. to pick him up. I have to pick him up and take him home. At least it's only an 1 1/2 from Akron,Oh. I don't really care anymore what he does. Sooner or later, he will be leaving to go to Wheeling, WV for his job. I'm going to stay in Columbus. I went home this weekend and met up with a highschool friend I haven't seen in 10 yrs. I had such a good time with him. I feel horrible because I really like this guy. I always have. His name is Dan. Dan and I have a lot more in common than Shawn and I. He's 30. He's cute and he's really, really nice! We talked and talked and talked! Shawn and I can't even have a conversation unless it involves something Shawn knows about (ie sports, work, guy stuff, ect.). He usually cuts me off and tells me he doesn't want to talk about this or that. Dan races motorcycles. Yes, I'm a biker chick! I love motorcycles! My parents really liked Dan (except for the motorcycle part :laughing: ). They were kinda hinting at me this weekend about dumping Shawn. Dan took me out to his cabin. It was awesome! He's working on remodeling it right now. It's built up against a rock cliff. The inside wall as you walk in is the natural rock from the cliff. He has his own private lake on the property. I had so much fun talking to him. I was a good girl so don't get any ideas! I'm not that kind of person to cheat on Shawn. I would at least dump him first. Dan doesn't know about Shawn. I didn't even want to bring it up. Was that wrong? It just didn't come up. He didn't ask. I don't know if Dan even likes me that way anyway.
post #16 of 20
Nenners - go with your heart. It's as simple as that. It sounds as if you're justifying your impending decision to yourself, and that's fine. You do need to be sure - so go through all the options carefully, here or in your own mind.

Shawn doesn't ever look at this site does he? He might be a bit of an arse, but it would be an awful way to find out you've been dumped to read it on a public site!
post #17 of 20
Thread Starter 
By the way Jason, Thanks for the "Dump" truck that's hilarious!:laughing2 I forgot to add the best story about this weekend. Dan and I went to a coffee shop. We havn't talked for so long, we both ordered Chai (his fav, my fav too!)We were sitting there talking and the guy working there started to vacuum the floor. We had to shout over the vaccuum cleaner at each other. He stopped vacuuming and we started our conversation again and as soon as 2 words were uttered out of my mouth the little varmit turned that Vac on again. He did that several times.Off , on ,off on We just looked at each other and busted out laughing because we were so fustrated because we wanted to talk so bad. Then the little punk came over to our table and told us we had to leave because they were closing. :laughing2
post #18 of 20
Thread Starter 
No shawn doesn't have access to this site. He has no reason to even be on this site.
post #19 of 20
Sounds like you've, already, made up your mind. Even if this other guy doesn't like you "that way", he sounds like he'd make a good friend. Life is too short, to hook up up with boorish, insensitive men.
post #20 of 20
I have a very similar situation, only my guy is now my fiance. Been together about 3 years but it all sound familure.

Anyhow, are you SURE you love him. Does this man show any signs, or put any REAL effort into loving you, respecting things you like to do, and your family? While my fiance may be a real lazy slob AT HOME, I know he'd do anything for me.

I think you need to decide if you want to be with him, for sure, talk to him about it, have a real discussion, make sure he's listening, don't try to talk to him during a game. Tell him he's gotta smarten up and do his part.

I also have a condition, where I'm not suppose to get my hands wet "among many other things" but that hasn't stopped me from doing all the chores. If you make supper for him, or for the both of you, stop, just make it for yourself, he can make his own, or if he really wants to eat with YOU, he will pull himself away from the TV to be with you, and help you make it.
Sometimes if you get really serious, and threaten to leave him over all this, he might wake up and be a good boy.

But who knows. I definetly say you don't need the stress of taking care of his lazy, non family orinated, butt.

Sense you've been with him for a while, you have to ask yourself, if you are just accustomed to being with him, or being with someone, and not because you really love him.
Some people will NOT change, no matter how much heart you put into it dear, don't distroy yourself over one person.
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