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Promise rings

post #1 of 28
Thread Starter 
So my boyfriend was talking about giving me a promise ring. I am 21 and he is 22. For some reason I associate promise rings with JR high/younger people. Therefor, I really don't like the idea of one. I feel slightly selfish and materialistic for that.. but I really feel like I would rather wait till engagement time comes around. I expressed this to him (I probably shouldn't have), and his feelings were very hurt. Now I feel like a horrible person. Am I completely in the wrong?
post #2 of 28
You can't change how you feel. It's too bad that it hurt his feelings but I think it's better you told him becasue he probably would have seen dissapointement on you face when he gave it to you anyway and would have still been hurt.

I personally like the idea of a promise ring more after 20 than before becasue after 20 your much more likely to keep the promise than when your younger. I kind of got a promise ring before my engagement ring. He had my engagement ring custome made so while he was waiting for that he got me a stele tripple band as a place holder kind of... a pre-engagement ring... a promise ring... call it what you want... it meant that he was going to propose. I called it a pre-engagement ring and thus he was my pre-fiance. LOL
post #3 of 28
I can see what you're saying, but I think he maybe just wants to get you something to show he is committed to you and can't afford, or is not ready for an engagement ring. I personally think the idea of a promise ring is sweet. You don't have to tell everyone that it is a "promise ring"...that could just be between the two of you. Or, you may want to steer him in the direction of a nice necklace that you will never take off. Either way, he sounds like a sweetheart!
post #4 of 28
My first thought was like you said, it seemed kind of juvenile... but after reading the other posts I have to agree with what they are saying and it does seem like a sweet thing to do.
post #5 of 28
If you don't want it, then don't have it. If you really plan to be married, you should be able to tell him your true feelings about an object and not have him think what you're saying is actually how you feel about him (if that made sense). Okay, his feelings are hurt. Guess what.....it's not going to be the last time one of you hurts the others feelings. You're going to have to talk it through. Point out that you love him very much and love that he's thinking of you, but the promise ring just isn't your thing. Maybe you could spend that money on something special for both of you? Like a promise new stereo or something you'll both enjoy.....

I have told my boyfriend that I don't want an engagement ring. My reasons are
1) I have poor circulation and very sensitive skin, which means I don't wear any jewellery (except the occasional necklace, though not usually metal......friendship bracelet style mostly)
2) Getting married will be a huge financial undertaking. I feel like it'd be a waste to spend money on a ring (I KNOW that I'm probably the only one who feels this way). Especially since the man gets nothing and the girl gets an expensive piece of jewellery....doesn't seem fair to me.
3) It's just not my thing. I don't do rings. I have never, that I can recall, worn one for any significant period of time.

We talked about it and agreed, no engagement ring. I'll wear a wedding band. If we have the money to spare prewedding, we'll get an engagement new tv, because that's something he'll enjoy too. BF couldn't be more thrilled, actually.
post #6 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by artharitis View Post
So my boyfriend was talking about giving me a promise ring. I am 21 and he is 22. For some reason I associate promise rings with JR high/younger people. Therefor, I really don't like the idea of one. I feel slightly selfish and materialistic for that.. but I really feel like I would rather wait till engagement time comes around. I expressed this to him (I probably shouldn't have), and his feelings were very hurt. Now I feel like a horrible person. Am I completely in the wrong?
I do not think you are in the wrong for being honest. I actually would feel the same way as you. Promise ring sounds like a kid thing.
post #7 of 28
I think it was a lovely gesture and at least you know he is commited. Yet, your interpretation of a promise ring is different to his and you are intitled to express that. You are not rejecting him though and if that is the case maybe you should reassure him of that because maybe that is how he percieved your reaction to be. All the best with it
post #8 of 28
Most people would associate it with a high school or father daughter situation! I have a promise ring from my boyfriend but there is no promise behind it (yeah i know makes no sense... I asked him what the promise was and he said nothing)... He just said its a promise ring but chose it not because of its meaning but because of the style (just the design of it)! At least you were honest and expressed your feelings toward the situation... Think of the positive in the long run your man is saving money on something you don't desire (by not purchasing one), sure his feelings are hurt but you dont need a ring to justify your love or future! Tell him you appreciate the gesture (because it is a sweet gesture) but that he should save his money (not for an engagement ring) since it's not something of your personal preference! I got my promise ring when I was 22 and thats only because I was hinting that I wanted jewelry after being together for 2 years for an xmas present (Im a brat but it wasnt expensive)!
post #9 of 28
All I know is that every couple I know that had promise rings split up. Good luck!
post #10 of 28
I had one when I was 20 or 21. But here's what I say:


NEVER TURN DOWN JEWELRY!!! (lol)
post #11 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by artharitis View Post
So my boyfriend was talking about giving me a promise ring. I am 21 and he is 22. For some reason I associate promise rings with JR high/younger people. Therefor, I really don't like the idea of one. I feel slightly selfish and materialistic for that.. but I really feel like I would rather wait till engagement time comes around. I expressed this to him (I probably shouldn't have), and his feelings were very hurt. Now I feel like a horrible person. Am I completely in the wrong?
I don't think you're wrong. I agree with you. Promise rings are way too high school IMHO.

If you are going to give a ring to promise committment to the relationship with the intention to get engaged and get married, then just give the darn engagement ring already and have a long engagement. I have never understood the whole promise ring thing. IMHO it's too juvenile. In grade 7 you are too young to get engaged and married, so you give someoine a promise ring and by the time school restarts you've moved onto another crush. As an adult you give engagement rings.
post #12 of 28
It sounds like you have a very sweet boyfriend. Make sure he knows that you aren't rejecting HIM. I don't want to make you feel bad, but I can see how he would be hurt. Show him lots of love!
post #13 of 28
Promise rings - well, you can also call them commitment rings - that doesn't sound quite as "young" does it? It's exactly the same thing. More often than not, a couple will buy a matching pair. Over here in Denmark, a couple will buy a set of commitment rings - and use them again as their wedding bands. Either that or they use the commitment rings as a kind of "substitute" to an engagement. It means the same thing - it just means that both partners get to wear a ring, not just the woman. But when all is said and done, does it really matter how he shows his commitment to you? No. Is it absolutely nocessary for a woman to get "bling" in her lifetime? No. Just because a diamond is "traditional", there are other ways of doing it. It could be that he doesn't have the money to buy you the bling that you want. Perhaps you could discuss with him a way to show your commitment to one another, that reaches a compromise?

I understand where you're coming from - I'm fairly set on the same idea - but I can also understnad why he's so hurt. But better that he knows how you really feel, than finding out later and thinking he's been taken for a ride. Show him a lotta luvin' and I'm sure he'll come around.

post #14 of 28
I think promise rings are more for younger people (middle and high school) who are a bit young for marriage but want to show that they're committed to one another until that time arrives for the next step. At his age however, i really think he should be sprining for an engagement ring and a real committment rather than a promise ring. Perhaps you could let him know (in a gentle and kind way) that you would prefer a real committment and an engagement ring that leads to marriage rather than a promise to propose later on down the road- it just seems silly.
post #15 of 28
You shouldn't feel bad about how you feel. There's nothing wrong with telling him you aren't into it, as long as you give him an option that you DO like. (You don't want to say "I don't like that" without saying, "but I would like..." so he has some way to show you he cares about you.) Hope that makes sense!
post #16 of 28
I have one- John surprised me w/ it right after we started dating- and its beautiful - a 1/2 carat princess cut - and I cherish it everyday. I also gave him one last year for our 1 year anniversary. I guess people may think they are childish, but for me, I really adore mine and cherish it more than anything
I guess thats just me, you can think of it as childish or immature if you want, we all have our own opinions I guess.
post #17 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by babyharley View Post
I have one- John surprised me w/ it right after we started dating- and its beautiful - a 1/2 carat princess cut - and I cherish it everyday. I also gave him one last year for our 1 year anniversary. I guess people may think they are childish, but for me, I really adore mine and cherish it more than anything
I guess thats just me, you can think of it as childish or immature if you want, we all have our own opinions I guess.
I think thats GREAT!
post #18 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rockcat View Post
I think thats GREAT!
Thanks so much, I just get defensive I guess about stuff like that.
The thing is, is that he spent a great deal on my ring- and when we're ready to get married, we can take it in and put it towards a wedding set- so the cost of my ring will be subtracted from the price of my new set. So its raelly just like a down payment thats done and paid for, for our future.
post #19 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by babyharley View Post
Thanks so much, I just get defensive I guess about stuff like that.
The thing is, is that he spent a great deal on my ring- and when we're ready to get married, we can take it in and put it towards a wedding set- so the cost of my ring will be subtracted from the price of my new set. So its raelly just like a down payment thats done and paid for, for our future.
Aww... but doesn't that mean that you won't have it anymore? I actually encouraged Matt to get me something small and inexpensive for an engagement ring but he refused. So, I got an inexpensive (steel $20 at most) ring to hold the place of my engagement. I have to say, I'm glad he insisted because my engagement ring is perfect... and since it's a band w/ a flush set stone it will be my wedding ring too.

Oh, and for who ever said the guys don't get anything I spent a small fortune on his wedding band. Mine's platinum so I got him platinum too. Got a GREAT deal on it but it still wasn't cheap.
post #20 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by babyharley View Post
Thanks so much, I just get defensive I guess about stuff like that.
The thing is, is that he spent a great deal on my ring- and when we're ready to get married, we can take it in and put it towards a wedding set- so the cost of my ring will be subtracted from the price of my new set. So its raelly just like a down payment thats done and paid for, for our future.
If you can part with it. It does sound like a good plan though, and its from his heart.
post #21 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by babyharley View Post
I have one- John surprised me w/ it right after we started dating- and its beautiful - a 1/2 carat princess cut - and I cherish it everyday. I also gave him one last year for our 1 year anniversary. I guess people may think they are childish, but for me, I really adore mine and cherish it more than anything
I guess thats just me, you can think of it as childish or immature if you want, we all have our own opinions I guess.
I have one as well. My BF, a Jon also, gave it to me for our one year anniversary and I couldn't have been happier. It is a beautiful ring that happens to match the necklace he had gotten me for my birthday that year. Every time I look it at all I can do is smile

But like babyharley said, everyone has their own opinions and you are not wrong for yours. It was much better you told him how you really felt about it from the start rather than seeming disappointed when he gave it to you. He has the right to be hurt, but just reassure him that it has nothing to do with him -- just a personal choice!! Don't feel badly!
post #22 of 28
I completely understand your viewpoint... but I would have pretended it was the most wonderful gift in the whole wide world. It's the thought that counts, and if a promise is the point he's at on the commitment curve, then a promise is a sincere and lovely compliment to you.

I'm a very rare bird: a female commitmentphobic... so I can imagine how a halfway-house between dating and engagement might be a very nice, comfortable place to dwell for a little while. Baby steps, as we keep saying over on the weightloss thread.
post #23 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by babyharley View Post
I have one- John surprised me w/ it right after we started dating- and its beautiful - a 1/2 carat princess cut - and I cherish it everyday. I also gave him one last year for our 1 year anniversary. I guess people may think they are childish, but for me, I really adore mine and cherish it more than anything
I guess thats just me, you can think of it as childish or immature if you want, we all have our own opinions I guess.
Holy Cow Mackenzie, a 1/2 carat! That's the size of diamond I got for our 10 year wedding anniversary! LOL. You go girl!
post #24 of 28
I have a 1/4 carat diamond and platinum promise ring that Jeremy gave me on my 30th birthday.
Very simple and understated, I love it.
post #25 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by kluchetta View Post
Holy Cow Mackenzie, a 1/2 carat! That's the size of diamond I got for our 10 year wedding anniversary! LOL. You go girl!
And I didn't even pick it out!! We weren't even dating yet and he surprised me with it- he has VERY wonderful taste in jewelery!
post #26 of 28
I bought myself a $20 ring (silver claddagh) a few months into the relationship so i could show everyone that i was taken and proud. Hes always dragging me to jewellery shop windows telling me to pick something when there are sales. But the ring i bought i wear all the time, i couldn't change over to another ring unless it was for our engagement not just a gift ring. Im weird that way
post #27 of 28
I tend to agree with the OP, but to each his own. I wouldn't feel like a "horrible person", but this is definitely something to communicate about. Just remember, you can never express your love for HIM too often
post #28 of 28
Thread Starter 
Thank you all so much! He is starting to understand where I am coming from now. I am trying to approach it gently, hes a very sensitive guy. Plus right now we're dealing with a long distance relationship. He arrives here tomorrow for a week.. but not sure how long it will be until I see him after that. We will end up moving to be with each other soon. We lived together a year ago, split up for a year and came back to each other after realizing we were better together than apart. Thanks so much for the support, I don't feel so insensitive now
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