Originally Posted by ckblv
Kit, we better mark this one down on the calendar somewhere for future reference.
Originally Posted by KTLynn
WHERE ARE THE PARENTS???
You ask, "What can you do"??? How about supervising these kids, for starters?
Please explain why your friend is "grateful" that her *13* year old son had been with his girlfriend for 6 months and had "done it" in her bed? I can understand being horrified, mortified, disgusted, but grateful? What on earth was there to be grateful about? What is this 13 year old child doing with a "girlfriend" in the first place? 13 year old children should not be dating, for crying out loud.
How nice that this boy volunteered the info to mom, but that in no way mitigates the circumstances. If the boy suffers no consequences for his actions, if something isn't changed in his life (ex. parental supervision), then the message he gets is "I can do anything and get away with it as long as I'm honest about it". What nonsense. The supposed "good values" this boy has should not include having sex at 13.
Look, I agree with you. When I was 13 there was no WAY that would have happened under my parents' roof - nor would it when I was 17. But I came from a stable home with two parents.
My girlfriend is recently divorced, and working all hours to support her family. Her ex-husband was a waste of space and does nothing and contributes nothing. When this happened, she was at work and the children were being looked after by her mother, who had gone to bed. The boy had his girlfriend over watching movies.
Don't get me wrong. She was furious with him - angry, upset, horrified, all of these things. However, she had every right to be grateful that he was honest with her and I applaud that with the loser father he had, that she was able to provide enough of a good example to her children that honesty is always best. Had he told her and she went wild at him, what do you think he's going to tell her in the future? Nothing, that's what. And yes, she was grateful that if it was going to happen it happened in a safe place, and all the sex education they'd had ensured that they used protection and were dating - not just random partners in dangerous places, as is so often the case with young kids. In a bad scenario, his was about the best way it was going to happen.
Now, if you are naive enough to think that parents can supervise their kids 24/7 then good luck to you. Children are masters at getting away with just about whatever they want to - no matter how vigilant the parents are or how involved or how attentive. It's what kids do
. I had strict parents and was allowed to do very little as a teenager, and I still managed to start stealing cigarettes off my mother at age 11 and then smoking them in the bathroom under the exhaust fan. While they were home. They had no idea - I was sneaky, I'd pretend to have a shower - and besides, why would they ever suspect?
Kids can and will do what they please if they have a strong enough motivation to want to do it, and peer pressure is something that is unbearably difficult for kids. What we have is a responsibility to raise them to make the right choices, and not fear us if they want to tell us the truth. Having a child who will confide in you is a gift, and you should cherish it. Of course 13 year olds have `boyfriends' and `girlfriends'. They're in the ninth grade. It's the age of puberty beginning - hormones and feelings and noticing the opposite sex. The thing is, when I was 13 I had a boyfriend - but all we did was hold hands between class. Kissing wasn't even considered. Sex at that age? Goodness - I don't think so.
I was never, ever allowed to have a boyfriend in my room with the door closed when I was at home. Or in my room at all, for that matter. I couldn't go to parties unless my parents had rung the other parents first to check that they knew about it. I couldn't really go many places without parents and was really wrapped in cotton wool until I was about 17. And I hated it at the time but I'm grateful to my parents now because their tactics did remove me from a lot of bad things. BUT I lost my virginity at 16 at a party, in the back yard of a deserted house across the road, 30 minutes before Mum was due to come and pick me up. It was awful. I got drunk underage, I smoked pot - I did all sorts of things in a rebellious way because I'd been so stifled as a teenager. My parents never knew - again, I was sneaky. And I had brilliant, involved, attentive, awesome parents. Because I'd been raised with values and rules, I never went further than that. I never tried LSD or ecstasy or snuck out or did any of the things many of my peers were doing. I knew that there was a line I would draw.
No, you don't just take the attitude `well they're going to do it anyway so I may as well allow them to'. Not at all. You have boundaries and you have rules and your children are expected to follow them. You teach your children responsibility and self-respect and that it's ok to say no if they don't feel right about something. But if you think that's going to STOP them if they really, really want to do something, think again. And with the internet, and how savvy kids are with these things, it wouldn't matter what you did - they'll see what they want. And that freaks me out. The best you can do is raise them to be good people, to respect those who are older and with more experience, and hope they'll make the right choices and trust you enough to tell you about them.