ok kind of a personal question

althekitty · Apr 11, 2007

I know what you mean and if I am honest it has affected me no end. I had a very difficult childhood and I have struggled with certain elements of that all my life. Since being in a very supportive relaitionship I realised how deep my issues ran and decided that I would go and get help. This was only a few months ago and I have been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I am having very full on therapy with a great therapist and I am on anti-depressants as I will find my journey too hard to cope with without them. I have flashbacks,and t.v programmmes I can't watch, certain enviroments where the lighting is wrong or the doing something I can't stand, anything can take me back. It is amasing how long I have lived with it. You become a lot more aware when you start to face it. As my therapist says though, it is hard but when you go back to face it, this time you are an adult and you have somebody with you. I haven't got that far yet but will do at some point. I know that I have two years of therapy to go yet!! I just want to wish you all the best and to know that you are not alone. Make sure that you do what is best for you because you deserve to be happy. There is nothing wrong with getting help!! Take care

april31 · Apr 11, 2007

I am very open with my kids I do know im way over protective with them about what they do and where thye go but I think thats part of parenthood also. I am alwas afraid someone will hurt them and I wont be there to protect them. My husband is not very supportive about this so I cant talkt o him. The person that abused me hung himself so I cant even get mad at him.

I know I didnt go into details but its a hard thing to talk about. Sometimes I feel like im just going nuts.

I know I should talk to someone but part of me is just too scared another part is options here are few. My husband also wouldnt understand if I told him that I need to talk with someone. I brought it up once and all he said is well insurence dont cover much and we really cant afford it right now.

I feel like im drowning. I had a lot of problems with this when I was younger. My teenage years were a strugle with many suicide attempts that eventually landed me in the hospital.

Sorry I know this is long and im not even sure why I brought this up.

kittiesx2 · Apr 11, 2007

Originally Posted by april31

I am very open with my kids I do know im way over protective with them about what they do and where thye go but I think thats part of parenthood also.

I can really relate to alot of what you have said. I feel like I am way to protective with my children.
My abuse was with an older child and continued for many years because he was my Mom's best friends son and we spent alot of time together.
I tend to hover alot. I'm sure that my kids find me terribly annoying but I know how easily things can happen if given an opportunity

My kids don't know about my past but they are well educated about what abuse is and how to protect themselves. I make sure to talk to them alot about everything (how things are going at school, their friends, ect. ) because I hope that having an open line of communication will make it easier for them to talk to me about important stuff if need be.

bonnie1965 · Apr 11, 2007

Therapy can be wonderful. I went through several before I found one that actually helped. Not all therapists/counselors are going to be a fit with you. I had a couple that were complete dweebs. Insurance doesn't cover much, but it will cover some. Perhaps when you meet with a counselor they could offer some soutions for alternative counseling for when the insurance does run out. Medication now is amazing. So many choices. I used it for 5 years during my difficult time.

You are an important person, the only mother your children will ever have. You are strong and brave even though you don't feel that way. You have survived and gone on to grow as a person and become a loving mother.

Please know you are not alone, as you can see from this forum

goldenkitty45 · Apr 11, 2007

Was verbal/emotionally abused by my ex-husband. DH was both physical/verbal abused as a child by his stepfather. I really don't think you ever "get over it" - in time it goes away for the most part, but something might trigger the feelings to surface - whether its a movie that has abuse, a friend's story, etc.

Sometimes I can talk about it without breaking down; at other times I go between anger and hurt in "reliving" some of the things that happened.

trixie23 · Apr 11, 2007

Yes! Any form of traumatization as a child or an adult can reoccur mentally at any time in your life! I have been through alot of traumatizing things in my upbringing and my suggestion is to talk about it with a therapist or even group therapy may be the answer for you! Keeping those fears, resentment, anger, and sadness bottled up is unhealthy! Alot of abuse victims see fault in themselves and in some cases feel they deserved this inappropriate behavior! I've been abused throughout my life physically as well as mentally! You have to do what is best for you! My past is so intense in some spots that my therapist recommended EMDR which is a form of hypnosis to help aid in a certain traumatizing events! There are many treatment options and support groups out there who are on your side and want to help! Do not be afraid!

trixie23 · Apr 11, 2007

Originally Posted by Althekitty

I know what you mean and if I am honest it has affected me no end. I had a very difficult childhood and I have struggled with certain elements of that all my life. Since being in a very supportive relaitionship I realised how deep my issues ran and decided that I would go and get help. This was only a few months ago and I have been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I am having very full on therapy with a great therapist and I am on anti-depressants as I will find my journey too hard to cope with without them. I have flashbacks,and t.v programmmes I can't watch, certain enviroments where the lighting is wrong or the doing something I can't stand, anything can take me back. It is amasing how long I have lived with it. You become a lot more aware when you start to face it. As my therapist says though, it is hard but when you go back to face it, this time you are an adult and you have somebody with you. I haven't got that far yet but will do at some point. I know that I have two years of therapy to go yet!! I just want to wish you all the best and to know that you are not alone. Make sure that you do what is best for you because you deserve to be happy. There is nothing wrong with getting help!! Take care

You will get there! My therapist also informed me that I have had to many traumatic events in my life and was aiding me without medication towards recovery! Unfortunately my insurance only covers so many sessions and the amount of sessions we needed I could never cover out of pocket!

april31 · Apr 11, 2007

Right i mean its been such a long time since it has sufaced and now it seems to be back with a vengence.

Sometimes I feel like im not even functuining like its not me. I feel like I go on each day but sometimes feel like its just motions my minds not there. I have been forgetting alot of things and it makes me feel stupid. Its like im floating around not doing anything. Hard to explain. I havent been sleeping well.

Just seems like so many problems im not sure where to go. Alot of energy goes to my son since he is mentally disabled and has a lot of behavior problems.

When I try to talk to my husband he tells me to just get over it. IM TRYING!!

Even if my husband agreed to it im not sure how to even start looking.

trixie23 · Apr 11, 2007

Originally Posted by april31

Right i mean its been such a long time since it has sufaced and now it seems to be back with a vengence.

Sometimes I feel like im not even functuining like its not me. I feel like I go on each day but sometimes feel like its just motions my minds not there. I have been forgetting alot of things and it makes me feel stupid. Its like im floating around not doing anything. Hard to explain. I havent been sleeping well.

Just seems like so many problems im not sure where to go. Alot of energy goes to my son since he is mentally disabled and has a lot of behavior problems.

When I try to talk to my husband he tells me to just get over it. IM TRYING!!

Even if my husband agreed to it im not sure how to even start looking.

No one understands the drain trauma has on a person unless they experienced it first hand! Your husband needs to be a little more understanding but in some cases people have never experienced an abusive background and don't know how to deal with someone who has! I think you should seek therapy for yourself as a let out, or keep a journal! Stress can be very overwelming and hard to control... I personally have stress and anxiety issues that all sprout from events in my past! For yours and your family sake take a stand, you dont have to live your life in fear, anxiety, and depression! you will get through this!

trixie23 · Apr 11, 2007

StarryEyedTiGeR;1709336 said:
I've had a few times when past experiences seem to crawl out of the woodwork and haunt me. Usually it's from a show i've seen ( One episode of Law and Order SVU had a story line that was a little similar to something i went through - and out of the blue i just freaked out and got really upset from that) Sometimes things like that will remind me or a song that comes on the radio about abuse - the new "Runaway Love" song really hit me the first time i heard it.

QUOTE]

That song hit me hard especially the second verse not only is that the exact way my story goes but that is also my name.... the only difference is that I did not have a friend named stacy who was shot but the rest was on the money!!!

Little Nicole is only 10 years old
She's steady trying to figure why the world is so cold
Why she's not pretty and nobody seems to like her
Alcoholic step-dad always wanna strike her
Yells and abuses, leaves her with some bruises
Teachers ask questions she making up excuses
Bleeding on the inside, crying on the out
It's only one girl really knows what she about

I try not to cry sometimes when I hear this verse! Thank god my ex "step father" is no longer part of my life... I went through 13 years of abuse and trauma with that sick son of a b****! Sure Im a little bitter but in the end I figure "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger"... Sometimes it just takes awhile to get to that point!

kittiesx2 · Apr 11, 2007

I guess that this thread brought up alot of feelings for me that I had "mostly" buried because I went in search of a support forum for survivors of childhood abuse. I found what seems to be a great one, www.isurvive.org
Just thought that I'd share if anyone wants to check it out

swampwitch · Apr 11, 2007

I would like to strongly encourage you to go to the self-help section of the library and check out all books that seem relevant to your situation. If one book doesn't help, set it aside, because another will. Keep going through them.

I did this the one time in my life I was suicidal. I also checked out books on different religions. I read, cried, got angry, read, cried, etc. and I worked through A LOT on my own. And it doesn't cost anything.

It's not easy, but it's less difficult than suffering and not knowing where to turn. It's a journey worth starting. As always, I send this with best wishes.

trixie23 · Apr 11, 2007

Originally Posted by SwampWitch

I would like to strongly encourage you to go to the self-help section of the library and check out all books that seem relevant to your situation. If one book doesn't help, set it aside, because another will. Keep going through them.

I did this the one time in my life I was suicidal. I also checked out books on different religions. I read, cried, got angry, read, cried, etc. and I worked through A LOT on my own. And it doesn't cost anything.

It's not easy, but it's less difficult than suffering and not knowing where to turn. It's a journey worth starting. As always, I send this with best wishes.

I been looking into self-improvement books! I feel Im the type that can work out my issues just need a guideline here and there! Best of luck to everyone! Stay strong and don't take any sh**!

crittermom · Apr 11, 2007

I was physically abused as a child by my Dad.For MANY years I hated the very ground that he walked on.I wished all kinds of things, for which I will forever kick myself in the butt over.
Long story short, in April of 2004,my Dad called me out of the blue and appologized for all the abuse I suffered at his hands.I forgave him in a heartbeat.I felt as though a TON of weight was lifted.Little did I know that at the time I forgave him, it was God working for *us* as Father and Daughter.
In July of 2004, my Dad was diagnosed as Stage 4 Throat Cancer.6 months after that diagnosis,God took my Dad home to be with him.
I know in my heart that Dad was also forgiven by God for what he did to me.
All I can say to you, is hold your head up high and remember that you ARE someone very special.

krazy kat2 · Apr 11, 2007

I have been battling depression most of my life, and was diagnosed with PTSD 25 years ago. I have spells that I don't even want to leave the house or talk to anyone. My SO is so wonderful about it and gives me the space or the comfort I need. (He has had more than his share of trauma as well, so he understands) The funny thing is, nobody has ever figured out exactly what the trauma was that started it. I have had many since my diagnoses, but whatever started it is buried so deeply it may never come out. I know there are family members that knew, and have taken it to the grave. I have a sister and a brother that I could care less about, and I suspect the way they viciously tormented me my whole childhood had a lot to do with the PTSD.
I usually just try to focus on how my life is now. Even though it is not perfect, I am very blessed in many ways. I have only my daughter, granddaughter and my dear SO in my life now. I have a few friends and many friendly acquaintences. I am happy with that.
I hope that you can learn to focus on the good things in your life, and not let the bad things wear you down. Once I found out that it could be done, it really wasn't that hard, and it has helped a lot, even though I still have those times, they have become fewer and farther between.

natalie_ca · Apr 11, 2007

I decided to elaborate on my experience. It's not the first time I've talked openly about it.

Back in April 1994 I returned to University to take an evening course in preparation of entering nursing school that fall. The course I was taking was "Anatomy and Physiology", and it was my pattern to go to the class which was from 7pm to 10pm and then go home and rewrite my notes. I found that for some reason I absorbed more by doing that prior to going to sleep and retained it. One day while I was sitting on the couch writing out my notes I an image flashed in my head. I can't even tell you what that image was, all I know is that it bothered me a great deal.

I didn't know what these images were at first. It kind of started to come back to me in bits and pieces over a period of maybe 3 or 4 months. Something obviously triggered the memories, but I don't know what.

It started as fleeting random images that were faceless. I seriously thought I was going crazy. These things were happening when I was awake, not when I was asleep, so I knew I wasn't dreaming them.

Over days and weeks they increased in frequency and eventually I saw me! But not me, if that makes sense. It was kind of like I was looking at myself as a kid as an outsider would.

I still didn't know what all of this meant. I saw a man and he was doing things to this little girl (me) in the images, but he was faceless.

I was going crazy. I couldn't sleep. I was in school and whether I got accepted into nursing school depended on how I did in that course. I just couldn't function. I called the University and started to go to their graduate student counseling which helped me a great deal.

It wasn't until about 4 months of this that I actually "saw" who it was.

One of my aunts had died and her funeral was out of town. I don't drive so my cousin picked me up and then we stopped in another town to pick up his brother. My cousin was driving, I was in the front passenger seat and his brother (also my cousin) was sitting in the back seat. He was leaning forward and had his arms folded and resting on the back of the front seat talking to us.

Suddenly it was like I was hit in the face with a wooden board. An image flashed in front of my face, not unlike the images that I had been seeing, but only this time it was his face (the cousin in the back seat). I nearly threw up. I almost opened the door of the car and jumped out. I just wanted to get away. At the funeral he tried to hug me and I recoiled backwards almost bowling over the people behind me.

The next day I called an aunt of mine and I confided in her what I had been experiencing and what happened the day before in the car.

She told me that Gordon had lived with my family for a period of 6 months when I was about 9 years old.

She told me some other things that lead me to anothe cousin of mine who he had tried the same thing with.

I called the police child abuse registry and talked to an officer who didn't even need to look up the file when I mentioned my Gordon's name. He knew all about him. He told me that his wife had left him because he was abusing their 5 kids, and that his girl friend who had 3 kids with him also left him for the same reason. However, none of them pressed charges against him, just filed a complaint.

I kept quiet about it for years, until his mother died. I liked his mom very much and didn't want to know what a monster she had for a kid. But after she died I spilled my guts to the whole family. As a result other cousins came forward and said that he had tried stuff with them too.

I haven't confronted him about this as yet. But I do mean to. I plan on telling him that I know what he did to me and all of his kids and countless other kids.

I have used my experience to help other kids. Since I remembered and have undergone counseling, I have spoken to kids in schools about what happened.

The best therapy is to talk about it. Talk openly and honestly and just talk about it. The more you talk about it the easier it is to deal with and the less like a victim you become. I no longer consider myself a victim. I'm a survivor. It wasn't my fault. I never believed it was my fault. And as stupid as this may sound, the whole experience as tragic as it is, has made me a better and stronger person.

althekitty · Apr 12, 2007

The best therapy is to talk about it. Talk openly and honestly and just talk about it. The more you talk about it the easier it is to deal with and the less like a victim you become. I no longer consider myself a victim. I'm a survivor. It wasn't my fault. I never believed it was my fault. And as stupid as this may sound, the whole experience as tragic as it is, has made me a better and stronger person.

I completely agree with that. I am not working at the moment as I find it very difficult to leave the house. I am on anti-depressants and beta-blockers for my anxiety and panic attacks. I have post traumatic stress,depression and a personality disorder, I am not mad tho!!! This is all due to my past and not being able to find a way to deal with it. I can talk about my past but i have no emotion attached at all, it just comes out in different ways! I am not in control of any part of my life at the moment. I don't feel like a victim I just see how much my past is still in my present, still controlling how I think and feel and I have to deal with that now. My therapy is great, and I am feeling a bit better on it. Actually, coming on this site is part of my therapy!! I said how nice everyone is and I had a list of the things I enjoy so that I can boost my self-esteem. I love coming on here with all the nice people! I have to write down what I do on a daily basis!!! My gorgeous Kitty Al is great too, I love him to bits and I don't feel alone with him around!
I wish everyone all the best trying to deal with these problems as it can be so hard to do. The thing is that we deserve to be happy and we have the right to be loved, be safe and be happy, then and now. I may be a bit of a mess now but I know I will come out stronger and better!!! Good luck to everyone. We all have a lot to give too, in the way of support and understanding. That counts for so much.

wesley's mom · Apr 12, 2007

Yes. The best thing that works for me is to hold DH and cry and talk and get it all out of there. Talking and getting it out helps sooooo much. Because holding it it seems to make it worse. The more you face it the easier it is later on down the road. Hang in there. Abuse happens to so many people. And know, you are not alone. I don't know anyone on this site, but this might sound weird, I love everyone on here! It is so nice to be able to have you all to talk to! So, keep in mind that we all love you and are here for you!

Try to remember that you are past what happened and think about all the good things in your life right now!

ok kind of a personal question

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