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Needs some advice

post #1 of 11
Thread Starter 
Okay as some of you know I have been talking to a very nice guy; but I have one slight problem and its not with him. He's hisspanic not sure what descent just know very dark complicted. And my problem isn't with him its my family they are all VERY prejudice. And am not sure how to handle that my cousin on dad's side says I should just do my own thing and let the family deal with it but I don't know if I should handle that now or just what and see if they even say anything. I hate that my family is like that but they are and I can't change them. My cousin had a baby and her baby's father is black and my dad disowned her. And gets mad when we talk to her and we were raised with her. She was like another little sister to me. Every weekend we used to meet at her grandmothers, my aunt's, house and play and have a good time. But now that we are grown we don't get to see her much but my sister and I still love her very much. My dad was so mad that he only talks to her on a have to basis. And so how do I deal with that. Do I just ignore it. I know I am not going to let my family decide what I can and cannot do with my personal life but how do you change people that are so prejudice that they think words like the n word and other hurtful words are acceptable.
post #2 of 11
You're not going to change your family so you might as well do what makes YOU happy.

My DIL is a dark-complected Hispanic and, as long as she and my son love each other and take care of the babies, that's all that matters to my family.
post #3 of 11
I don't think you can change people and their belief's. They may just have to learn from their own experience.

Personally, I wouldn't let my family pick who I can and cannot be with, and if they love me, they 'll love me no matter who I'm with. Would they rather you be with a criminal as long as he's white, than with a decent hard working Hispanic man? I don't believe in this racial stuff, myself. We are all the same colour underneath the skin.
post #4 of 11
Personally I wouldn't even want to speak to or be around my family if they were making prejudiced comments or acting in a prejudiced way. If anyone disowns you it's their loss! However I know it's easier for me to say that since I'm not in that situation.

I know you are excited about this new guy, please don't let anyone ruin it!
post #5 of 11
Thread Starter 
I can't just turn away from my family but I do try to let what they say go in one ear and out the other. I just wish I could change them. When I was working at a factory we worked with alot of Hispanic people and my uncle went off on me for simply sitting with a group of my friends who happened to be Hispanic. I was showing one of my friends some pics and she was laughing because someone caught me asleep and took a pic. But he walks upto me and flips out simply because I was sitting with my friends and they weren't white. I personally think its just nuts. But they don't seem to think so.
post #6 of 11
People DO change. When I was a kid, my parents told me that I'd better NEVER bring home a Hispanic boyfriend. Over the years, they seem to have mellowed - they love Sam and the dark-haired, brown-eyed great-grandkids, just as much as the blond, blue-eyed ones.
post #7 of 11
Sometimes they change. However its what you feel makes you happy and him happy. If he treats you well, takes care of you, doesn't hurt you by abuse or cheating and is everything you'd like in a stick with him.

Don't let your family influence on who you marry or date. He might be THE one for you. If they can't accept him, you make the best of things. They don't have to marry him or sleep with him or have his kids - you do
post #8 of 11
You hafta do what you feel is right in your heart.

Some people will never change, and it is not right for you not to be happy just because of your family.
post #9 of 11
I can't stand this....I live life everyday knowing I am a minority in a predominately European society and face racism everyday. My son even faces racism from his paternal grandparents because they don't want to admitt that their son married a Metis and they have a Metis son. It is so sad... such narrow mindedness.

IMO, by allowing your father to treat you like that and your friends or potential life mates in a demeaning manor, you are letting him control that aspect of your life. You can't stop him from saying those things, but you can decide for yourself that you will not tolerate his bad behavior. I send vibes for you in this difficult situation.

Why are you waiting for him to disown you??? Why is it even ok for him to do this??? I just don't understand. There is nothing about you or your being interested in someone that isn't white that is bad or worth disowning. I am sending your dad some vibes because he isn't a bad man, he just has confused ideals....perhaps some education could help with that.
post #10 of 11
ok, first i dont think from your posts you have seen him in person yet?
so you dont know yet what he is like in person. so i would not stress the other just yet. IN fact i would try very hard just to keep things at a friendship lvel until you do meet in person and see how that goes.

now as for the racial part,. that i have alot of xp with. The last 2 long term have been with asian women. Both of which there family did not like me, just because i was white. I have delt with one mother who was a english teacher who would pretend not to under stand english when i was there. who would invite guys she wanted my gf to date to dinner, the list to long to go over.

I have banned my father and a aunt from coming to my house. due to comments and insults at my wife due to her race and her reglion(along with my dad saying he is going to kill my cats). lol i have told a couple itta aunts they are not allowed in my house that i paid for in indo. due to trouble they have caused me. how that works for me, but i am for the most anti social anyway.

the only thing i have found that works to change people is for them to be around those that they think are different and be willing to change there views. Sometimes people just cant or wont change there thinking because that is what they where taught.
post #11 of 11
I don't know your age. The reason I bring it up, while it is never easy to face the reality of how our families actually are, it may get easier to accept them with age.

Humans tend to categorize one another and I will never figure out why. We have much more in common than we have differences.

I come from very racist European-American (white) people. It is part of why we are here and they are 2,000 miles away. Yet racism is everywhere as is sexism and classism.

My sister had a mixed race child. My brother married a woman with a little girl who is mixed race. My youngest brother has been with a Black woman for several years now. My mother had a tough time at first with the racial aspect. She was raised to hate everyone that didn't look like she looks. She has come around. She has overcome it for the most part. She loves the grandkids. The only thing that has come close to tearing our family apart was when my sister came out as a lesbian. We weathered that, too thank goodness. My father, who we haven't seen in 20 years, is still an insecure, racist #*#%*#&)%*#. My immediate family (mother, siblings) are all okay with these things. It makes a difference when you raise a child of color. You see things differently. You learn to speak out.

Some people refuse to change even when they know they are wrong. They simply aren't strong enough to admit they may have been wrong or that their parents were wrong. To admit it would mean admitting complicity in the way things work in our country.

You however, sound like a wonderful person who sees people as people, including their experiences of being of color in this society. You are not small-minded or small-hearted. Go on and have your friends no matter race or class. Do what you feel drawn to do and be with the people you feel drawn to be with. This new guy could be a complete jerk or a decent guy. Or you could end up being friends.

If you live with your family or depend on them for support, I can see how this would be difficult for you.

I am not sure if any of this makes sense. There is no easy answer. My advice would be to just be yourself and let the cards fall where they may. You have your entire life to live and you cannot do that according to anyone's rules but your own conscience.
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