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How did you decide?

post #1 of 27
Thread Starter 
My husband and I (he's in his 40s & I'm in my early 30s) are talking about having kids. Well, at this time, I just want one. And how did you know it was the right time for you? I'm hoping that I just wake up one day and know it's right? But then again I'm worry about a lot of things, like money (ever having enough), or getting a house or every hoping of getting one here in CA... yikes, sky high prices! Then one some days I feel like we never catch a break in our lives or feel like we can get settled. At least we have each other & Max & Sarah. Enough of my babbling.
post #2 of 27
This is from a child of parents who waited to have childrend.

If you want kids, have them early! As you get older your energy and priorities change.

As you get older you want to slow down and retire and travel. You can't do that when you have an 18 year old living at home depending on mom and dad to help support them and pay for tuition.

My father was 59 when I was born, my mom was 36. Strangers thought I was his grand daughter. My mom was too busy looking after the family to spend a whole lot of time with us, and my dad was older and didn't have the energy.. or health.

My Mom died when I was almost 16, and my Dad when I was 16. He was 76 years old by that time. Had they had me when they were younger, I would have had the benefit of knowing them for longer than I did.

So be fair to yourselves and your kids. If you want them have them now. There is no such thing as "the right time". It's whatever is right for you. Once you decide, everything else falls into place.
post #3 of 27
Very thought provoking question. My DH & I never decided to have kids initially. We always said 'if it happens, fine; if it doen't, fine.' Then one month I was late; took a home pregnancy test that was positive. I was scared sh**less, but also happy about it. Three weeks later, I had a period. That was my one and only pregnancy. We decided that having kids wouldn't be a bad idea. Many fertility tests, drugs, and disappointments later we decided that adoption was the road to take. It took us 9 years to get our daughter. Honestly, there are days when I wonder 'why the heck did we do this?!' But, I love her deeply and can't imagine my life without her.

Obviously, this is a decision that only you can make, and it can't be made lightly. I believe if you're meant to have kids you will, one way or another.
This probably wasn't a bit of help, just my thoughts on the matter.
post #4 of 27
DH and I 'plan' to wait till 2010. By then we should be in a house, have him settled in his career, etc. I don't want to wait longer than that, but at the same time, I know I'm not ready yet. (I'll be 28 in 2010, DH 30.)

But even with saying that, I think there is no 'perfect' time. I"m just trying to make the best plans I can, and then go from there.
post #5 of 27
Thread Starter 
Please keep your thoughts coming. It's nice to get people's views/ideas. I know it shouldn't be taken lightly, and I feel like I can't talk to my family about it nor can my husband to his. They would all say we should wait. But I feel like we can't catch a break with life, we changed jobs, you know, life gets in the way. And right he is the process of looking for a new job, so I'm the only one working right now. I just feel like we can't plan our lives out and we've been married five years. I thought my life would just fall into place by now.
post #6 of 27
Hi! I am going to be 30 in a week, my husband is 36 and we are expecting our first baby in September.I don't think there is ever a time that is perfect, as far as finances. Everything will just fall into place after the baby is born - you both will figure it out.

I also have this to say - My parents had my brother and I when they were 19 and 20 and then had my younger sister 10 yrs later. Although they had more money when She was a born - My brother and I had my parents playing with us and spending time with us more than my sister... My point is money isn't everything - Love and family time I think are much more important!

But if you have reservations then maybe you should trust your instincts. I hope you figure everything out - Good Luck!
post #7 of 27
Thread Starter 
Does anyone know any good books to read? I love to research. I know you can't learn life or kids by a book, but I like to be prepared. Uggh, I'm just in a pity mood today must be pms.
post #8 of 27
FH and I would personally like to have a childfree 20's...by roughly our 30th birthdays, he should be done with his Ph.D. and we should have a much better idea of where we're going to end up permanently, as well as having a little money in the bank. I will NOT have a child unless I know I can pay for college and health insurance for that child, in addition to all of the other expenses a child presents. So it would seem we've decided that the 28-32 age range is best for us to start, from what we can see now.

Our qualifications are having some money saved, being employed, finishing all of our schooling, and being very close to owning property, if not already owning property. So if that happens sooner or later...then that's when we'll start!
post #9 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by Forest View Post
My point is money isn't everything - Love and family time I think are much more important!

I agree with the above. My parents were 24 and 27 when then had me. My mom was in school and my dad was a long haul trucker. My mom also had my younger sister while she was in school and still maintained honors as well as full time work.

I believe that you make the situation work for you! If you are always waiting for tomorrow, you'll never live.

I had my son when I was 16 years old. I had no owned property, no money saved up and I definately wasn't finished my education, nor was my bf (now Dh). Most people would assume we would fail, but my son is now four years old. Dh completed his post-secondary, I graduated highschool and I'm finishing my second of four years of university to become a teacher. We still don't have a lot of money, nor do we own property, but my son is loved and well taken care of. IMO, having money, owning a home or such doesn't dictate what kind of parent you will be, although it doesn't hurt. I just wouldn't put off having a child because of those things.

We are planning our next child to be born during 2009 (between Jan and May), during my last semester of university. I will be 22/23, Dh will be 27 and our son, Telaryn, will be 6 years old.

(sorry it was so long winded)
post #10 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by lionessrampant View Post
FH and I would personally like to have a childfree 20's...by roughly our 30th birthdays, he should be done with his Ph.D. and we should have a much better idea of where we're going to end up permanently, as well as having a little money in the bank. I will NOT have a child unless I know I can pay for college and health insurance for that child, in addition to all of the other expenses a child presents. So it would seem we've decided that the 28-32 age range is best for us to start, from what we can see now.

Our qualifications are having some money saved, being employed, finishing all of our schooling, and being very close to owning property, if not already owning property. So if that happens sooner or later...then that's when we'll start!
DH and I have the same time range/qualifications in mind. We want to have all of our ducks in a row before bringing another life into this world. We think love and happiness is definitely the MOST important however we won't feel ready to give a child all the love and happiness he or she will need until we're settled into our lives ourselves. For now we're good with having our furbabies to take care of first!
post #11 of 27
I don't have kids myself, and I regret it deeply. Speaking from the experience of everyone I know, let me say: if you wait until you can afford it, you'll never do it. And if you wait much longer, you may have trouble getting pregnant or, heaven forbid, the baby might have some kind of problem.

If you feel your marriage is stable, then DO IT. I wish I had, even though the marriage didn't work out.
post #12 of 27
My kids werent planned actually!! And I wouldnt change it for the world. I had my 12 y/o at a very young age and was un wed.......his "dad" well, hes just another story!!
post #13 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by CarolPetunia View Post
or, heaven forbid, the baby might have some kind of problem.
That is another reason we're waiting. Autism runs in hubbys family. There are at least 3 family members on his side. We each also have our own health issues each which are rare and may or may not be genetic. (I have Juvenile arthritis -diagnosed when I was 5, and he has a form of lymphoma diagnosed just last year that affects his skin). We want to get genetic testing before we have children. We may consider adoption depending on how high our risk is to concieve a child with a 'problem'.
post #14 of 27
this is a great topic. i wished my parents were younger when they had me - my mom was 30 but my dad was 42. i'd like to have one child soon but i don't think i'm healthy enough
post #15 of 27
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Renovia View Post
this is a great topic. i wished my parents were younger when they had me - my mom was 30 but my dad was 42. i'd like to have one child soon but i don't think i'm healthy enough
Yes, keep the stories coming.
post #16 of 27
My parents were 25 and 27 when they had me. My mom stayed home with me and my sister (2 yrs younger) and my dad worked as an elevator mechanic. We rented the upstairs of a house in scarborough when I was born, moved to a semidetached in pickering when my sister was born. We didn't have a lot of money. My mother drove an old chevy that would stall half the time you tried to turn left. My dad was often on-call and his hands were permanently stained with grease. But we were really happy. My mom played with us and sang a million silly songs. We did cheap crafts out of egg cartons and went to parks and public pools. Our vacations were to family member's houses. We never went to disney world, rarely went out to eat and didn't go to movies, but they loved us. Money isn't everything.

My brother is six years younger than me, so by the time he was in elementary school, my father had moved up to a branch manager position and my mother was working full time as a florist. We had more money and he enjoyed the benefits.......2 weeks of a prestigious hockey camp in summer, new equipment, money for movies, lunches, etc. We went of a family vacation to Mexico. My parents paid for my first car and helped my sister and me with tuition for university. There are good things that come along with money, but I was the one who was there when my brother got home from school, so he missed out on that mommy time. Even when she got home, she'd be tired from working all day. My dad's hours were more stable, but his job is high stress and he works late or comes home stressed out or in a bad mood more often than he did when I was little.

I think if you want them now and you're not completely broke, it can work. It won't be easy but it'll be rewarding. And you will hopefully have more money as the kids get older. If you wait until you have enough money saved to pay for anything the kid would ever need, you'll be waiting forever. My father told me that if you wait until you afford kids, you'll never have them.
post #17 of 27
I don't have children yet, but hopefully it will not be too much longer. Colin and I decided that we will start trying to have a baby as soon as we're married. (guess he needs to hurry up and propose huh! that's another thread for another day though!) I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome- it's the #1 cause of infertility in women....so my doctors have said if i want children- i need to start thinking about it SOON. I'll be 22 in July. So while i may be a little younger- i don't have much time left to try and have a baby. I would love at least 3-4 children - but i would be happy with whatever i am blessed with if we can have a child at all. Colin will be 31 in July (same day as me- the 29th) We've talked it over and discussed things since i might not be able to concieve much longer- so for us, we plan to start a family as soon as we get hitched...otherwise we might not be able to. If we can't get pregnant on our own, my doctors have suggested some fertility drugs we can try, if that doesn't work, then IVF or adoption / I wouldn't wait to start a family if i were you- by the time you "have enough money" etc....it'll be too late- you can spend your while life chasing after a dollar and never get what you really want- if it's in your heart to have a family....do it now while you're able to spend time with them and really just enjoy parenting Children are a gift- we aren't all able to have them. Since i found out i have PCOS- i'm even more determined than ever to have the family i've always dreamed of. For us, we're ready so that makes sense for us. Do what's in your heart.
post #18 of 27
i fell pregnant at only 15 years old. shock ?? yes do i regret it ? no
my daughter will be 9 next month. then at 17 i had my second daughter who will be 8 in augest and at 21 i had my son who will be 4 in september.
im 25 this year and have no regrets. yes its been hard , but isnt everything. i didnt plan on having children so young but it happend. im still with there father now.
post #19 of 27
My parents were 28 and 29 when they had me, and said that if anything, I came a little too soon! Of course, my dad had to go through med school and residency and my mom was a big CPA with a big bank at the time...I don't necessarily share her quite lofty career goals and Ian's job wil involve a little less education than MY dad's did. Personally, I feel like your late 20's or early 30's SEEMS like an ideal time to start, but it really ultimately depends on YOUR situation and values. My parents are both 50 and healthy so far. I feel like I have many more years with them, assuming the status quo.

FH didn't have the world's most A+ childhood. His parents loved him plenty, but there were health and money issues that were so deep it ultimately lent itself to his parents' divorce...not that that was the only issue, of course. His parents are wonderful people and they love their children deeply, but in that case, it wasn't enough. My dad's family faced a very, very similar situation, so maybe we're just gun-shy, so to speak.
post #20 of 27
I was married at 22, got pregnant, and had a miscarriage. We divorced when I was 30 and I've since never really been in a relationship where I even considered having a child. I'm going to be 48 in May, so it's too late now. Do I regret not having children? Sometimes. Not usually though. Once in a while, I thought about having a child on my own. So whenever I felt my ovaries start to twitch, I'd spend time with friends who had young children or teenagers...and the twitching stopped...PRONTO! Personally, I'd rather have cats, but, that's just me.
post #21 of 27
Not sure if you can afford it, when you have kids, you just seem to find a way.

Even with planning you can never be "ready" you can never get ahead of the game because over the years you never know what is going to happen, you don't know what you're little baby is going to be like at 1 year, 5 years... teenager!! AH!

Just knowing that you want to have children is sign enough that you're ready.

You're going to love that kid, and you will do everything you can to raise him right.

Just to quote my grandfather at my cousin's 26th birthday. She was just excited to be getting married at this age and soon she would be ready to have kids. His response was "Your grandmother had Gail when she was 26!" My aunt Gail was the 6th of 7 children born to my grandparents.
post #22 of 27
Cat Mommy,

Since you asked us how to decide, I would say that you should wait awhile. You will know when the time is right in your heart and it won't matter what anyone else says. The best advice I ever received was to trust my own instincts. You already know what is right for you. Trust yourself.

I met DH when I was 18, we married at 24 and spent 10 wonderful years building a strong marriage and saving. I wanted to be able to quit my job and stay at home with my children. We had kids when we were 34, 36 and 38. I am now 50 and still at home with my children, my middle son was born with autism. Autism is not related to maternal/paternal age, but does have a genetic component.

I do not believe I would have been as good of a mother in my younger years. I have gained patience, understanding, maturity and wisdom. There is a stability to my life and marriage that did not exist when I was younger. Consider the possibility that you have a special needs child. It changes everything.

My best to you,

Elise
post #23 of 27
One of the greatest gifts in my life was having older parents. My Mom was 35 and my Dad was 40 when I was born. They were established people that had traveled the world before I came into their lives, and they were completely ready to have me.

I can understand your concern about the possibility of being an older parent, but if it is the right thing to do in your life please do it. Your child will be given a Mom and a Dad that are ready and happy to bring it into the world.
post #24 of 27
You will know when the time is right. But if you want children, I would say go for it asap.

Dh and I were fairly young when we got married. He wanted kids right away, I wanted to wait a while. We waited a year. It then took us 2+ years to get pregnant. I had no idea why. Second child was the same way (also a little over 2 years).

We wanted 1 more, and after 3 years of trying,( I know, I probably should have had the chat 2.5 years earlier) I had a chat with my gyn. I had blood tests, a laproscopy (she found endometriosis) and I also have PCOS. Doctor told me we couldn't have any more kids w/o medical help since I don't ovulate at all, and I said I was DONE.

As far as money- well it's been fun. After I had my second child, dh got out of the military and his pay was cut. We also had to pay for medical benefits, which was a real eye opener for me, since we'd always had military insurance. I wasn't working b/c after the infertility roller-coaster the first time around, I wanted to be at home b/c I had no idea if I could even have any more kids. We do own a house- it's small, but it's ours.

I don't regret it at all. Even when my middle schooler is grumbling about yet another English paper she doesn't want to write. Or when my 4th grader is going on about the drama that is a 10 year old's life
post #25 of 27
Well... DH is 30 and I am 26, we are financially stable and we both wanted kids and was told by my cardiologist we should try to have kids sooner rather than later for my health. So I stopped getting the Depo Provera shots, and at the start of the year we decided we would wait until I was made permanent in my job (about middle of the year), then we'd start trying.

Next thing I knew I was getting all the pregnancy signs so my appt. with the doctor was for a pregnancy blood test rather than a pill prescription

So I'm due in October and we're very excited. Our decision was helped by health reasons and by the fact that there was really nothing stopping us. We're at a relatively stable point our lives (apart from not living in our home country...), so nowish was a good time.

When we were discussing it though gee it was a hard decision! It's a scary thought planning your first child - you know your life will never be the same ever again and it's such a huge decision.

I still occasionally think "omg are we REALLY ready for this??", but know we're in a good position being happily married, financially secure and with good jobs, so we're giving our baby a good start, and plenty of people who don't have all that are awesome parents, so there's no reason why we won't be.

I don't think age comes into it - lookingglass said her parents were older which was awesome because they lived life. My mum had had my brother and I by age 23, and I love the fact that she's younger, and feel we have an awesome relationship. My DH's parents were older and absolute fuddy-duddies who don't know how to have fun and he blames it on them being older.

I think it just depends on the people, and has nothing to do with age. And even though DH's parents don't know how to have fun, and often drive everyone crazy, they're loving parents, and raised great kids (well, 2 out of the 3 are great... my BIL is a little weird... )

You'll notice that not one person here who had kids under not quite perfect circumstances all say "I don't regret it and wouldn't have it any other way".
post #26 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by StarryEyedTiGeR View Post
I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome- it's the #1 cause of infertility in women....so my doctors have said if i want children- i need to start thinking about it SOON. I'll be 22 in July. So while i may be a little younger- i don't have much time left to try and have a baby. I would love at least 3-4 children - but i would be happy with whatever i am blessed with if we can have a child at all. Colin will be 31 in July (same day as me- the 29th) We've talked it over and discussed things since i might not be able to concieve much longer- so for us, we plan to start a family as soon as we get hitched...otherwise we might not be able to.
More than 1/2 of the women in the world have polycystic ovary. Just because you have it doesn't mean there is a cut off time of when you can conceive and when you can't. You can potentially have kids up until the time you go into menopause, just like any other woman who doesn't have polycystic ovary.

Personally, I wouldn't dwell on the fact that you have polycystic ovary. It means that you may or may not have to take fertility drugs to conceive, but it doesn't mean you can't have kids

My cousin has it and she had her last baby when she ws 39 years old. She's now 43 and has been thinking of having another one (she already has 4 kids)
post #27 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by Natalie_ca View Post
More than 1/2 of the women in the world have polycystic ovary. Just because you have it doesn't mean there is a cut off time of when you can conceive and when you can't. You can potentially have kids up until the time you go into menopause, just like any other woman who doesn't have polycystic ovary.

Personally, I wouldn't dwell on the fact that you have polycystic ovary. It means that you may or may not have to take fertility drugs to conceive, but it doesn't mean you can't have kids

My cousin has it and she had her last baby when she ws 39 years old. She's now 43 and has been thinking of having another one (she already has 4 kids)

I agree! My good friend is 35 and has PCSO. She had to do Ivetro(sp?? ) and had twins, but then she really started looking after herself and her health (which I know you already do Nikki) and now, at 35, she got pregnant naturally (and her husband even has furtility issues), so keep positive hun!
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