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last time i ever tell anyone anything

post #1 of 8
Thread Starter 
Remember the thing bout my mom? Well, I remember talking to my aunt about this whole situation a couple of months ago. I told her how much I love my parents, but it doesnot bother me if I do see them or don't see them ---- If I see them.... great, If I don't, I dont. Well, mmy mother calls up to tell me that "someone" told her that " I love my parents but CANNOT stand to be around them!" now, she will not tell me who it is ........ It does not matter anymore to me ........ Its just getting worse & worse when I talk to her. Hell, I get along more with her over email than I do talking on the phone. I tried to tell her how I feel & what her words have done to me when she has written me letters & emails, and she said if I cannot forgive then I am a one=track minded person Sorry, but I just cannot stop the tears right now ....... Its making me sad & sick. Then she goes on to say how I have to invite them to come over & how she will not call me again because of what this person has said. I have a feeling it was my dad's sister. So you see, I cannot even tell a *#*$#) relative...... And of cours, they are going to take each other's side. Hubby says I need to call the aunt up & confront her, but I dont think it is a great idea, considering.
Oh, and the birthday card, she did get ------ and the phrase in the card pissed her off & that is why she did not even call me...........
post #2 of 8
Everything is going to be ok.. I know how you feel because my words get tangled up in other peoples mouths too. You just have to hang on to the fact that you know you didn't say that. It doesn't matter what your mom thinks you said. Just keep telling her you love her and that is all that is really important. It's hard when messages get twisted when you are talking to someone else. Give it some time to cool down and things will straighten themselves out. You are a good person so good things are in store for you.
Maybe this will make you feel better... When I've had a rough week with the kids I'll write down a list of things I admire about them, then give it to them. I think I will start a remember when book so we can remember that things weren't grumpy all the time! It's OK to cry so go ahead and let it out.
Remember things will get better!
post #3 of 8
Nobody can get to you or f%$# you over like your family! We don't have anything to do with any of our families, except my daughter, because of all the drama and "male bovine feces" going on all the time. It has been that way most of the time for 10 years. We have made the effort to try to get along with these mental patients (on both sides) twice over the years, but it is always the same old thing. We finally gave up and are very happy without them. The only thing we are missing out on is all the fighting and arguing over the slightest thing. I intend to live like this for the rest of my life. It has been very liberating to not have to watch ever word that comes out of your mouth, because it might offend one loony relative or the other, or be misconstrued and repeated. Our holidays are very nice and quiet now, and we love it.
post #4 of 8
Tigger, unfortunately I don't recall reading your post about your mom so I guess I should not put in my 2 cents....but I will.

What makes me sad when I read something like you wrote or anything about families is this: I no longer have a mother or a father. And no, we did not always get along well. I doubt any family ever does. But it seems that it's always all the little things that pile up and become too huge to handle. Like I said earlier...I am not too familiar with the whole story but, please don't let the little things eat at you until it's too late.

For your mom to be playing this "She told me that you said blah, blah, blah..." game is a little bit on the immature side. Especially since she won't say who. I guess the thing for you to do now when you are angry at her is to vent...outside of your family obviously.

Everyone has a choice to either keep family close or to distance themselves from family members who are bringing them down. Only you know what is healthy for you. But if there is a glimmer of hope to make things work with your mom, keep her close....you never know when she'll no longer be around.

The fact that you are sad and that you are crying over this situation tells me that you really want a good relationship with your mom. Why not stick to emails for a while if that is what is working right now? Mom and I used to have at least one daily "I love you" email. Just an email where we did not necessarily talk about anything. Just a "Hi, how are you today?" one. It's one of the things I miss the most and...will always remember.

(((hug))) and good luck!
post #5 of 8
That is really sad that your Aunt had to shoot off her mouth and make things even worse between you and your mother!!! I don't think I would ever tell her anything personal again, she can't be trusted, if you are sure she is the only one who could have told.

What phrase in the card made your mom mad? I can't imagine anything in a Birthday card that would upset someone!

That is really too bad that your mother is acting like this, and I am so sorry for you!!!!!

I know how Ghyslaine feels too, though...I never got along well with my mother, but now that she is gone, I wish I had tried harder. I miss her. I know you have tried and tried, though, and your mother just doesn't seem to be willing to make an effort to get along with you at all!!! She should be a little more mature, in my opinion.

I'm so sorry you are going through this with them again!!!
post #6 of 8
It's really so sad when family turns out to be not very nice people. Like the old saying goes, you can choose your friends but you can't choose family. From what you have said, it sounds like your mother looks for things to get mad about. Getting mad over a Birthday card? For heaven's sake, Hallmark (or whatever card company ) doesn't make offensive cards! It also sounds like she doesn't really listen to your concerns at all.

It is even more sad when you have to make a conscience decision whether or not you want your family in your life. You sound completely miserable, and I'm sure you are already considering this decision with a heavy heart. I've had to make that decision with my sister, who married a man who has completely destroyed her personality. I only see her at Christmas, and only because of Dad. We maybe talk once a year besides that. It makes me really sad because at one time we were very close, but her new husband doesn't like me or Earl and she is not the sister I once had.

You have a wonderful husband who loves you and will support you no matter what, and you have friends who will lend a shoulder (even if it's just a cyber shoulder) for you to lean on. ((((HUGS))))

post #7 of 8
Sometimes it's possible to recoup a troubled family relationship. Sometimes the only thing you can do is walk away from a toxic relationship.

It's a hard place to be in.

After many, many years of trying, I finally walked away from a toxic family relationship. For me, it was a surprising relief to set down the burden and decare myself free. However, this was not without collateral damage: other previously friendly family relationships disintegrated when the family member involved made them choose sides. Even with this, I do not regret my decision: I became truely free that day.

And although I myself ended the relationship, it is NOT something I reccommend to others unless there is absolutely no other alternative. Instead, I do believe that most family disputes can be handled through tolerance... note that I don't say acceptance... of the others involved.

Although I'm not fully conversant with Tigger's situation, I'd like to suggest the following. Don't esculate the situation by searching for the tattletale. Chalk it up to experience and let it go. Realistically, except giving the individual a blast, there isn't much you can do about what has transpired, which may make you feel vindicated in the short term, but will only cause more bad feelings over all.

Take a time out (at least a month) from the entire family: just disengage and lead your own life, concentrating on your family. Don't reply to email from them, engage in conversations or do anything at all except take a breather from the conflict. While you are doing this, conduct a searching personal inventory of your responsibility in the conflict, and be ruthless: this is not because I'm suggesting that you are at "fault" It's just that in the heat of the battle, we often lose track of our own behaviour. It's really neccessary to understand your own triggers vis a vis the conflict, becuase ultimately, and unfortunately, you can't do a damned thing about how other behave. All you can do is control yourself.

Once you've done that, make a plan about how you are going to reduce your stress level. Look for ways to diffuse conflict... for example, refusing to get drawn in or setting boundaries about certain topics and meaning it will help you establish some control (this is why knowing your triggers is vital).

The point is, you can control this and feel better about yourself by focusing on yourself, not them.
post #8 of 8
Thread Starter 

The birthday card had a basset hound on it & had his ears wide open (like the wind was blowing them), and on the inside it said "Whoosh, another year has gone by, Happy Birthday" I got it because of the dog on the front ......... Yes, I realize I had not seen her for ayear, when it was her b-day, but Gee, come on ...... I didnt buy it because of what it said on the damned inside. So, she said that is the reason why she didnt call me because that "set" her off.
Oh, then I went on to say how I shouldnt have to ask for them to come over because they are my parents, and she said that I should invite them over especially after the way I have treated them! I have not given them bad treatment, imo.
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