- Joined
- May 8, 2005
- Messages
- 9,234
- Purraise
- 254
AN OPEN LETTER TO
MR. JAMES THATCHER,
BRAND MANAGER,
PROCTER & GAMBLE
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years,
and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard
Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or
salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down
the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be
your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company
smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi-pads be
aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month
knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from
"the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is
starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal
forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now,
my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes
to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human
body amazing? As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've
no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during
your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo.
Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping
we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and
out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most
women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent
urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill
just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by
drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is
just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants. Which brings me to
the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted
to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi
pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words:
"Have a Happy Period."
Are you flipping kidding me?
What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager
brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness - is
possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound
the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some
kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about
a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and
lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local
Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketch y plan to end your
life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap
a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say
something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or
"Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your accounting department that,
effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for
I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I
will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss
your brand of condescending !@#%. And that's a promise I will keep.
MR. JAMES THATCHER,
BRAND MANAGER,
PROCTER & GAMBLE
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years,
and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard
Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or
salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down
the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be
your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company
smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi-pads be
aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month
knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from
"the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is
starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal
forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now,
my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes
to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human
body amazing? As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've
no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during
your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo.
Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping
we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and
out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most
women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent
urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill
just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by
drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is
just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants. Which brings me to
the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted
to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi
pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words:
"Have a Happy Period."
Are you flipping kidding me?
What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager
brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness - is
possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound
the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some
kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about
a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and
lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local
Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketch y plan to end your
life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap
a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say
something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or
"Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your accounting department that,
effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for
I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I
will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss
your brand of condescending !@#%. And that's a promise I will keep.
