My husband threatened me with the "D" word

sillyjilly · Mar 25, 2007

When DH and I were first together I went to the bar without him but at his option and choice. He is a hermit and wanted me to go as well!!

I don't tend to go out much anymore! I just get bored with it! But I agree it needs to be something mutual between both people!

lunasmom · Mar 25, 2007

I think for the most part when you get married (or have been in a long term commitment) your friends change. I noticed after a year of dating B that we were only hanging out with other couples. I still have one or two single friends, but overall I don't hang out in the same places I use to. I guess I went from $2 beers to $10 martinis.

Anyways, part of me disagrees with the you're still an individual, even after marriage. To a degree yes, you are still allowed to have your own thoughts and views. However once you get married you take the vows that use the term "us" and "we" because you are in a partnership.

If you both agree that the other is allowed to go out, then there's no big deal. If you prefer to accompany him/her out or not go at all, that's no big deal too...providing he or she is fine with it. If one of the two wants to go out and the other doesn't, then that's the problem. There is discord and resentment starts and pretty soon it's not really a partnership, but a fight.

The things everyone has to remember in any relationship is compromise. If this cannot be acheived than the marriage will be that much more difficult.

starryeyedtiger · Mar 25, 2007

Awww hon

I am sorry he threatened you with this. I do not think it's healthy for him to be threatening you with the D word. That is not good in any relationship. Just last week Colin made a smaller threat somewhat similar to that at me over an argument we were having (some of you may remember). And after reading everyone's comments and making up my own mind- i sat down with him and let him know that i was in this relationship too, i'm in it for the long run and not going anywhere -so him making statements like that did no good for eithor of us and would only drive us apart. We talked about it in a calm manner but i got my point across and let him know that i would not tolerate ultimatums in the relationship like that because it's not healthy and causes trust issues. Turns out- he didn't even view what he had said as an ultimatum....but i had....misunderstanding- but eithor way, we wouldn't have know had we not sat it out after we cooled down and talked. We made up and are doing better- i would honestly try just sitting down with your hubby after he calms down. Bring him a cup of coffee and say "I thought you might like a drink.

Would you mind sitting down with me for a moment, i would like to talk to you about "..." and be specific- guys don't like it when they think they're about to get a lecture- also, sit side by side with him not facing him- guys listen better when they are sitting beside you.

/ Also, when you talk to him- be sure to remember that body language has a lot to do with the conversation and if he will be receptive to what you have to say- so keep your arms uncrossed, don't roll eyes (etc...things like that) and show him that you're genuinely interested in what he has to say about ya'lls relationship- it will show him that you're concerned and open to positive changes. Also- ya'll have children involved as well - he can NOT be threatening divorce in front of them- it's going to make them insecure in their own him and not feel safe. Please do this- please after you sit down and talk to your husband.....have you and your husband both sit down with your child(ren) and say to one another in front of them "I love your daddy very much and I just want to let you know that daddy and I will not divorce one another" -vise versa- make sure your child knows that he/she is safe and secure in your home because divorce does not only affect the husband and wife- it affects the child as well. It will be a great comfort to your child if it hears his/hers mommmy and daddy tell (and mean it!) one another in front of them that they love each other and are committed to the family and to not getting divorced. I hope that helps

I am here if you need to talk sweetie- my prayers are with you. I'm sure your hubby loves you.....and i honestly think this is not all about just going out- i think there is more to it. I hope ya'll are able to calmly and kindly sit down with one another and talk about it to get something accomplished. That being said, i wanted to add one more thing - I think it is ok for couples to spend a few moments apart from one another to have lunch with a girlfriend or for him to watch a game with his buddies. It is good to have a little time apart- that way you still get to do the things you love and see your friends.....there is a time for everything.

The way i see it, you stay home all week with your child - that is a very hard job....i think it would be nice if maybe one night a week your hubby had 2-3 hours with your daughter/son for some "Daddy and ME" time so that they get to bond together -and that would also give you a chance to have dinner with your girlfriends or see a movie- you know, something to give you a little breather- you will me much more happy and he will also get to spend time with that sweet child

/ And the same goes for him as well- he works all week long and is probably tired when he comes home- perhaps it would be ok for him to go fishing with a friend or to dinner with his buddies every once in a while as well.

So it's equal. I think that would be a kind suggestion. Also-ya'll do need to go out together as well- even if you don't have money to spend on it- maybe go for a nice long walk or have a picnic at night and watch the stars in your backyard when your child's asleep.....something like that to give each other a little time together- it will deepen your relationship and give you time to bond without the distractions of work/kids/etc to distract ya'll from one another. I'm sure ya'll will work it out. Just be open, kind, and honest and let him know that you love him and are committed to working out ya'lls troubles.

Good luck! Think Pink!!!

clairebear · Mar 25, 2007

It sounds like he's not being very understanding. He's probably just trying to scare you by throwing the "d" word out there. Maybe he thinks it'll keep you from doing it again.

crittermom · Mar 25, 2007

. you know, something to give you a little breather- you will me much more happy

I don't know about Monica, but I am happy spending time WITH my kids.

When I'm not with them, all I do is think about them and feel guilty about not being with them.Kids are little and only with us for such a short time, I treasure every single moment with them.Even when they are getting on my nerves, I still can't imagine not being with them.
I am a Mom first,then a wife and then me.

arcadian girl · Mar 25, 2007

Originally Posted by StarryEyedTiGeR

Awww hon

I am sorry he threatened you with this. I do not think it's healthy for him to be threatening you with the D word. That is not good in any relationship. Just last week Colin made a smaller threat somewhat similar to that at me over an argument we were having (some of you may remember). And after reading everyone's comments and making up my own mind- i sat down with him and let him know that i was in this relationship too, i'm in it for the long run and not going anywhere -so him making statements like that did no good for eithor of us and would only drive us apart. We talked about it in a calm manner but i got my point across and let him know that i would not tolerate ultimatums in the relationship like that because it's not healthy and causes trust issues. Turns out- he didn't even view what he had said as an ultimatum....but i had....misunderstanding- but eithor way, we wouldn't have know had we not sat it out after we cooled down and talked. We made up and are doing better- i would honestly try just sitting down with your hubby after he calms down. Bring him a cup of coffee and say "I thought you might like a drink.

Would you mind sitting down with me for a moment, i would like to talk to you about "..." and be specific- guys don't like it when they think they're about to get a lecture- also, sit side by side with him not facing him- guys listen better when they are sitting beside you.

/ Also, when you talk to him- be sure to remember that body language has a lot to do with the conversation and if he will be receptive to what you have to say- so keep your arms uncrossed, don't roll eyes (etc...things like that) and show him that you're genuinely interested in what he has to say about ya'lls relationship- it will show him that you're concerned and open to positive changes. Also- ya'll have children involved as well - he can NOT be threatening divorce in front of them- it's going to make them insecure in their own him and not feel safe. Please do this- please after you sit down and talk to your husband.....have you and your husband both sit down with your child(ren) and say to one another in front of them "I love your daddy very much and I just want to let you know that daddy and I will not divorce one another" -vise versa- make sure your child knows that he/she is safe and secure in your home because divorce does not only affect the husband and wife- it affects the child as well. It will be a great comfort to your child if it hears his/hers mommmy and daddy tell (and mean it!) one another in front of them that they love each other and are committed to the family and to not getting divorced. I hope that helps

I am here if you need to talk sweetie- my prayers are with you. I'm sure your hubby loves you.....and i honestly think this is not all about just going out- i think there is more to it. I hope ya'll are able to calmly and kindly sit down with one another and talk about it to get something accomplished. That being said, i wanted to add one more thing - I think it is ok for couples to spend a few moments apart from one another to have lunch with a girlfriend or for him to watch a game with his buddies. It is good to have a little time apart- that way you still get to do the things you love and see your friends.....there is a time for everything.

The way i see it, you stay home all week with your child - that is a very hard job....i think it would be nice if maybe one night a week your hubby had 2-3 hours with your daughter/son for some "Daddy and ME" time so that they get to bond together -and that would also give you a chance to have dinner with your girlfriends or see a movie- you know, something to give you a little breather- you will me much more happy and he will also get to spend time with that sweet child

/ And the same goes for him as well- he works all week long and is probably tired when he comes home- perhaps it would be ok for him to go fishing with a friend or to dinner with his buddies every once in a while as well.

So it's equal. I think that would be a kind suggestion. Also-ya'll do need to go out together as well- even if you don't have money to spend on it- maybe go for a nice long walk or have a picnic at night and watch the stars in your backyard when your child's asleep.....something like that to give each other a little time together- it will deepen your relationship and give you time to bond without the distractions of work/kids/etc to distract ya'll from one another. I'm sure ya'll will work it out. Just be open, kind, and honest and let him know that you love him and are committed to working out ya'lls troubles.

Good luck! Think Pink!!!

wise words

tavia'smom · Mar 25, 2007

All I want to say is sorry you are having problems and I am wishing you some good vibes.

4badcats · Mar 25, 2007

Oh Gosh, relationships can be such a minefield! I am so sorry you're going through this, whatever the reasons behind his words. Everone posting here has valid points to make regardless of their personal opinions - everyone has different ideas, everone's relationships work in the same way - what matters is that it works for both parts of the couple in question. I don't know what has gone on in your relationship in the past - sometimes there is a trigger that sows a seed of doubt - sometimes one half of a couple just cannot trust.

When my ex and I got together I was very young and full of life - the centre of attention - he said this was what attracted him to me. Withing 6 months he was so convinced that this part of me was going to find another guy that he had frightened away all my friends, and I never left the house without him, unless he checked up on me and timed me (half an hour to do the shopping, ten minutes to take the kids to school) I lost my identity, my self respect and very nearly my life. The irony is that, eleven years down the line, depressed, bulimic, and scared of my own shadow, I actually did what he was afraid of all along - I left him for another guy. In effect, he chased me away

Please take the time to talk this through and find out what is going on in his mind. Lots of love and good luck to you

themanxcatlady · Mar 26, 2007

If I had a nickle for every time my husband threatend me with the "D" word I would be freakin rich! We have been married 9 1/2 years now and he gets mad almost everytime I go out with friends or my sister (even though they are all married also)... He's really going to through down the "D" word when I go to the ROT Ralley in June because I will be gone for 2 days in Austin Tx.

karmasmom · Mar 26, 2007

I am so sorry he did that to you. It seems to me that we are all missing a part of the story. Most men do not just do that unless provoked. I don't want to sound acusatory twards you or your husband but it seems like something else is up.

It could also just be in the air. We have had 2 couples at work split in teh last week, and I have had 3 friends split as well.

I wish I could give you som advice but I just don't know what to say. I am sorry.

As for my opinion I feel that as a married couple if I want to go out we will go together. We can meet friends at bars and split up but still be in th esame place. For example we will set up a party night out at a bar that has darts, pool and kareoke(sp). We both like to do different things with different people but with the options in one place we can do it all. He may go shot pool while my girlfriends are accross the bar playing darts. Seperate things same place. I never go out with out my DH. When I married him it was forever. I know that I need my own time but I really have more fun with him. I am lucky though, he is my best friend. He and I love to shop together and go out to eat and movies. I have girlfriends but I find that when I am away from him he is all I can think about and I just want to be home with him.If I do want a girls night I do it at my house. I will hire him to be the chef/bartender/designated driver.

I know its old fasion but I feel if you need time out without eachother than maybe you don't need to be married.

Please dont flame me its just my opinion.

rosiemac · Mar 26, 2007

Originally Posted by crittermom

To me, when you get married, you forgo all your single ways.When you want to go out, then you go as a couple or NOT at all.

So when you got married did you wave goodbye to all your friends when it comes to drink and a chat with them?

I hope he doen't mean divorce over something as trivial as that.

kittylover4ever · Mar 26, 2007

As for me, Jerry and I do about 95% of things together,(other than work obviously) but he goes out after fire training with the guys and I get together with my girlfriends once like every other month or so for a lunch/movie type thing. For me to go "out" to a bar type thing would never happen, but that's just because that's not who I am.........I think different things work for different people.........

hilda>^..^< · Mar 26, 2007

How are you doing today sweets? I just read over the many replies and there is some excellant advise here but as many have said, its truly up to you and your hubby. What might work for some, may not work for others. But you have to communicate with one another...and that doesn't mean just talking...it also means being quiet and listening, both ways.

While some may tell you that you don't have to take anyone's

, others will tell you that what is worth having, is worth working for. With 26 years of marriage experience to back me up, I can tell you that things do change when you get married, maybe not right away like waving goodbye to your friends and family, but things do change gradually, over the years. When I decided to quit working to take care of our daughter, I had no idea that almost 24 years later, I'd still be a stay-at-home mommie! LOL! But I am and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I have two of the most special people in the world as my kids and I like to think that my staying at home and spending so much time with them is part of what has helped to shape them. Many of y'all have seen my thread about my son...(now moved to the Fur Pics section)...well Naomi is just as wonderful of a person

. I don't know what they would have turned out like if I'd not been here for them on a daily basis. Anyway, being married for this long has not been easy by any means. We've had some knock-down drag-out fights over the years but we love each other and we're willing to sit down and talk it out...no matter how long it takes...and come to an agreement, a compromise...a solution. Working things out, that's what its about...and its hard work...believe me...its hard work being married...staying married, even harder. But you have to decide to agree to stay together, if that's what you want, both of you. If either of you needs a break to be with friends, and you're both ok with that, then that's what works for you! In my case, my two best friends happen to be part of my family & his. My big sis is my best friend in my own family, but she's 5 hours away. My sis in law, his brother's wife, is my other best friend...but she's 10 hours away! LOL! So it goes without saying that we don't do lunch or shopping...but we email almost daily and talk on the phone several times a week...that works for me...that's enough to make me feel good...to give me that break that everyone's talking about.

The hubby & I have our 'dates' as well. Usually on Sundays. We'll go out together, just the two of us, and do something 'fun'. Its usually just lunch and spending time together talking and stuff. That might not sound like 'fun' to some but believe me, its good to be comfortable with one another this way. We might go fishin' together, see a movie, shop for stuff or even go to the gym together. Heck, sometimes we end up at the casinos in Louisianna!! LOL! It differs but its time we spend as a couple and its been good for us to have this time together. We don't do the bar scene, but we used to when we were younger...its just lost its appeal over the years and neither one of us cares for that anymore.

Whatever you do decide to do, we're all here for you. We might not all agree with one another but we're here to offer advice as best we can & to support you in your decision. Please keep in touch with us and let us know how you are sweetie...

Much love...
Hilda>^..^<

ugaimes · Mar 26, 2007

Originally Posted by Hilda>^..^<

Hmmm, well my feelings are that you didn't become a couple to go out with other people. I know its important to have fun...but why can't y'all have fun together? I think its very strange when married couples go out without each other. I don't mean shopping or stuff like that...I mean partying and stuff like that. You didn't become a couple to be apart.

First of all catlover,

. I can only imagine how hard that must be to hear coming from someone who vowed to love you forever. I very much hope that your husband cools down enough to talk to you about what is going on with him- it is your RIGHT to know.

Secondly, I have to respond to this remark. Not trying to be mean or inflamatory, but of COURSE couples can go out as individuals, without the other person! I think it is vital in a relationship to have outside interests and friends. Since we've been married, I've gone on several "girls nights out" and could care less if my husband decides to go out one night with the guys. I think as long as there is trust in a marriage, going out sometimes without your spouse can even ENHANCE the relationship. I really cannot see where youv'e done anything wrong catlover, and am just so sorry that your husband cannot see it that way. Sounds like he may have some control issues

.

hilda>^..^< · Mar 26, 2007

I have never been quoted so much that I can remember y'all!!!

Somehow though, y'all seemed to forget this part...

Originally Posted by Hilda>^..^<

I hope you're not offended, you're already having a rough day to begin with sweetie so I'm sorry if this does offend you, its just my opinion...but I'm old and very old fashioned in my thinking, ways & ideas about things.

Much love y Hilda-hugs...
>^..^<

ugaimes · Mar 26, 2007

Originally Posted by Natalie_ca

Sounds to me like he has low self esteem and that he's jealous and possessive and is trying to isolate you from everyone and anyone other than himself and expects you to stay at home and socialize only with him, or no one.

Being mad and threatening with divorce are controlling and manipulative behaviours in order to guilt and push you into doing what he wants. With people like that there will always be over reaction to issues followed by the same type or similar behaviour. Giving in only sets a precident that he can brow beat and bully you. Which is exactly what he's doing.

Sorry,but you are in an abusive relationship. Oh he may not hit you (yet), but the emotional and mental abuse is there (punishing you with guilt for having gone out with friends. Threatening you with divorce for having done so).

I didn't want to open up another can of worms, but I will say that what Natalie said here rings true. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for two years (and then worked professionally with abuse survivors as a victim's advocate for three years!) and this was how it started (as so many abusive relationships start)- with the partner getting mad that their partner shows the slightest bit of independence. They make threats (such as divorce) in an effort to lower their partner's self-esteem and, in an essence, brow beating them. PM me if you ever want to talk to someone who has been there (personally and professionally)- hopefully I can offer you some solice or advice if you'd like

.

rockcat · Mar 26, 2007

Originally Posted by Natalie_ca

He's mad because you went out with friends?

I say good riddence to bad rubbish!

Sounds to me like he has low self esteem and that he's jealous and possessive and is trying to isolate you from everyone and anyone other than himself and expects you to stay at home and socialize only with him, or no one.

Being mad and threatening with divorce are controlling and manipulative behaviours in order to guilt and push you into doing what he wants. With people like that there will always be over reaction to issues followed by the same type or similar behaviour. Giving in only sets a precident that he can brow beat and bully you. Which is exactly what he's doing.

Sorry,but you are in an abusive relationship. Oh he may not hit you (yet), but the emotional and mental abuse is there (punishing you with guilt for having gone out with friends. Threatening you with divorce for having done so).

I have been involved in an abusive relationship, and I can tell you that it started out like what you describe and over time escalated into much worse. I've also been involved with womens' shelters (giving support and talks) and your story is no different than many of the stories I have heard from women who have been in abusive relationships.

Just because you are married doesn't mean you give up your friends and family. It's important to have a life together with your spouse, but it's also important to have a life apart from them too.... friends, social activities, interests, hobbies.

The fact that he won't go anywhere without you means he's co-dependent and needy. Keeping your own identity and maintaining interests outside of the relationship is NOT WRONG! Never ever let anyone tell you that it is.

If I were in your shoes I wouldn't be waiting for Friday. I'd be contacting my lawyer tomorrow and initiating the proceedings myself.

She MAY be in an abusive relationship, but really - there are too many unknowns at this point. Please don't trash someone's marrige because of an argument, even if one partner overreacted.

We don't know why he was so mad. Did she leave the kids with someone he feels comfortable with? How late did she get home?

Again, you could be 100% right. I was in an abusive relationship too. I agree that some of the first signs are being a control freak and separation from everyone other than him. I just think we don't know enough at this point.

catloverin_ks · Mar 26, 2007

Ok, well we have sorta made up....

I bought him a sweet little lovey dovey card last night and well, he didnt say a whole lot about it. Mumbled something like I should of said it in person, or some bs. He did tell me yesterday that my house cleaning has pretty much gone to s***!!! I guess now I am a lazy a** wife too!! And also he started in on my cats

All because Lilly peed down our vents(which I admit is nasty) but hes mouthed something like "I should shoot all them SOB"

So needless to say that didnt fly over with me!! I know for a fact he never would hurt them, hes just saying it to get to me(which it did)

Anyhoo-thanks to everyone here thats offering me support and kind words.

It is very much appreciated. I know not everyone sees eye to eye and thats ok too.

kittylover4ever · Mar 26, 2007

I give you credit for making up with him..............after saying some of those things that he said, he'd have to scrape himself up off the floor........

ping · Mar 26, 2007

Originally Posted by catloverin_ks

Ok, well we have sorta made up....

I bought him a sweet little lovey dovey card last night and well, he didnt say a whole lot about it. Mumbled something like I should of said it in person, or some bs. He did tell me yesterday that my house cleaning has pretty much gone to s***!!! I guess now I am a lazy a** wife too!! And also he started in on my cats

All because Lilly peed down our vents(which I admit is nasty) but hes mouthed something like "I should shoot all them SOB"

So needless to say that didnt fly over with me!! I know for a fact he never would hurt them, hes just saying it to get to me(which it did)

Anyhoo-thanks to everyone here thats offering me support and kind words.

It is very much appreciated. I know not everyone sees eye to eye and thats ok too.

I am sorry but this just does not sound like a healthy relationship. Me and the hubby has been together for 8 yrs and though we have had fights he has never said anything about housecleaning or threaten to hurt our pets. Thats just crazy. I hope things work out for you.

My husband threatened me with the "D" word

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