My husband threatened me with the "D" word

Originally Posted by crittermom

I am one of those that think, THAT is wrong.

To me, when you get married, you forgo all your single ways.When you want to go out, then you go as a couple or NOT at all.
Shawn and I go every where together.....well except for shopping.When we want to see a movie, it's together.Lunch is the same.
To me, going out on your own is only asking for trouble.To many what ifs and could bes to me.
Monica, I hope your hubby was only joking though

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So you don't even think women should go out for an afternoon with their girlfriends? Out to see a movie or have lunch, or maybe go out for a drink? I have to disagree, I think maintaining friends and interests outside a person's relationship is really important. I'd feel really stifled if I never was able to just go out on my own, see my friends, ect. I love my boyfriend and I love being with him, but I love going to see my friends, too - they mean a lot to me. They've been there for me through thick and thin, and I could never abandon them or stop going out with them because I got a boyfriend or a husband.

As for going out on your own being asking for trouble - I disagree. If you love your spouse and are happy, nothing untoward is going to happen, no matter who hits on you or what he looks like. Brad Pitt could ask me back to his place, and I'd politely decline. I'm happy with my boyfriend

He goes out with his friends as well. I trust him, so it's not a problem.

To each their own, of course.. just saying how I see it.

Just wanted to say Keep us posted hon, no matter what all of our differing opinions may be, and they DO differ greatly we are all here for you!

It's petty and destructive to insist on being joined at the hip... but there's also a certain protocol about what sorts of things you do when you're apart. Going to the movies, out to dinner, that sort of thing -- no problem! But I do think it's disrespectful to your partner to go out drinking or dancing. Maybe a quiet, conversational drink with a friend of the same gender... but beyond that, it just doesn't seem right to me.

A viewpoint, for what help it may be. I surely hope you can talk things through and resolve the issue! All good wishes...

Originally Posted by Sanctie

Just wanted to say Keep us posted hon, no matter what all of our differing opinions may be, and they DO differ greatly

we are all here for you!

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Thank you sweetie.

We both do our own things. He has just never been one to "go out" with out me, its just not his nature. His time alone is spent, fishing, going to hang with his buds at their house. He never goes to the bar unless I am with him, or he gets there before me and we meet up I just have never been one to be able to stay home 24/7. I know being married should mean "no going out" but its just not for me. I personally dont see anything wrong with a night out w. girls when all I do is stay home every day....I have no life And my job search is just getting me nowhere. I wish I did have a job to keep me occupied so maybe a night out wouldnt be needed.

Ok, sorry just got to rambling....lol..

Originally Posted by catloverin_ks

Yup, thats right!!! He was mad at me because I went out last night and when he came in this morning(from work) he was being mad and told me he was filing for Divorce Friday........What the heck??

I dunno if hes serious or not, but I sure hope not. I would be devistated.....

I tried to wake him and talk to him about it awhile ago, and well, he wont say much, except for the fact that hes mad I went out last night.

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He's mad because you went out with friends?

I say good riddence to bad rubbish!

Sounds to me like he has low self esteem and that he's jealous and possessive and is trying to isolate you from everyone and anyone other than himself and expects you to stay at home and socialize only with him, or no one.

Being mad and threatening with divorce are controlling and manipulative behaviours in order to guilt and push you into doing what he wants. With people like that there will always be over reaction to issues followed by the same type or similar behaviour. Giving in only sets a precident that he can brow beat and bully you. Which is exactly what he's doing.

Sorry,but you are in an abusive relationship. Oh he may not hit you (yet), but the emotional and mental abuse is there (punishing you with guilt for having gone out with friends. Threatening you with divorce for having done so).

I have been involved in an abusive relationship, and I can tell you that it started out like what you describe and over time escalated into much worse. I've also been involved with womens' shelters (giving support and talks) and your story is no different than many of the stories I have heard from women who have been in abusive relationships.

Just because you are married doesn't mean you give up your friends and family. It's important to have a life together with your spouse, but it's also important to have a life apart from them too.... friends, social activities, interests, hobbies.

The fact that he won't go anywhere without you means he's co-dependent and needy. Keeping your own identity and maintaining interests outside of the relationship is NOT WRONG! Never ever let anyone tell you that it is.

If I were in your shoes I wouldn't be waiting for Friday. I'd be contacting my lawyer tomorrow and initiating the proceedings myself.

Originally Posted by Hilda>^..^<

Hmmm, well my feelings are that you didn't become a couple to go out with other people. I know its important to have fun...but why can't y'all have fun together? I think its very strange when married couples go out without each other. I don't mean shopping or stuff like that...I mean partying and stuff like that. You didn't become a couple to be apart.

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Hmmm... Epona and I often go out with our various work collegues without each other- I think we both agree a night of clique-y work talk is boring to be around. Going out with a lovely Jewish couple we know on thursday to see a film but as we both know them well it should be fun

I'm concerned for catloverin_ks as Epona would never even joke about this stuff. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that you can work it out

I have seen relationships kind of like this. One is more of a social butterfly and the other is more introverted. THe challenge is to appreciate the differences and see how those differences can highlight the relationship you have together.

I cannot stand bars, taverns, parties, etc. But I know people who simply must "get out there" or they shrivel up. I feel exhausted by those situations. People like my sister feel energized by them. She cannot stand being alone for even a day and I cannot stand too many people. Just my regular work/school day wears me out with all the interactions.

However, this sounds like it goes much deeper than all this. The "D" word is a serious word and at least calls for a truthful sit-down and/or counseling. Only you two can work it out no matter the results. Best of luck to you and I hope you find out what is really the problem.

I'm married, and both my wife and myself have time with our friends. We both have one couple who we hang out with a pretty regular basis, and I hang out with the husband from time to time, just "guy time", and she has another friend who she hangs with.

I do agree with that when you get married, you need to ditch the single lifestyle...but going out with friends once in a while is not the same thing. It's having appropriate indepence and freedom. The important thing is that you still do things together in addition. If all you did is hang out with friends and not your spouse, then yes I agree that's not appropriate. But just because you're married doesn't mean you lose the right to have some time with friends.

In MY opinion, you should ONLY go out for a drink with your husband or SO.
I will NOT argue my OPINIONS with anyone here......as they are JUST that,MY OPINIONS!
Whatever works for you as a couple is fine.

It seems to me that there may be a trust issue in this relationship if he can not deal with the occassional nght out at the bar without him. Have you tried ask him why he does not trust you to go to a bar without him.

I know there are some people that think married women should not go out to bars without their husband but to me that seems ridiculous. I love to go out for karraoke which is usually in bars. My hubby does not want to do this every single weekend because he gets bored with it. He has no problem with me going out for karaoke at a bar without him. We do go out to bars together occassionally. My hubby encourages me to go out for karraoke with my friends. He knows that this is a hobby that helps me relax. My hubby has a very laid back attitude about bars. If someone asks if they can buy me a drink he views it as it is less money we will be spending My hubby is secure enough with out relationship that he knows I love him and that I don't want to be with someone else. I have gone out with friends and occassionally come home drunk. He laughs about it.

Originally Posted by crittermom

In MY opinion, you should ONLY go out for a drink with your husband or SO.
I will NOT argue my OPINIONS with anyone here......as they are JUST that,MY OPINIONS!
Whatever works for you as a couple is fine.

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Interesting that you decided to edit your original post- I don't agree with you but I think the post pre-edit made some sense
Obviously I disagree though I'm sure there are people I wouldn't want my wife out drinking with without me

LOL thanks!
I didn't want to make anyone mad, so I did delete some of my post.
What I said was,
when you go out drinking with someone of the same sex at a bar, there are some that see it and think "ok, those women are single, think I'll hit on them".There are so many differences and issues in a marriage as it is, why add fuel to the fire?
As I said, to each his own and whatever works for you as a couple, I would stick with.
Going out to a movie with a friend or lunch wouldn't be bad in MY eyes.But to a bar, I just don't agree with.
Shawn and I have agreed that when we want to drink,it will be at home with each other AFTER the kids are in the bed.But, that works for us......no everyone else.

It does sound as though there is more to this issue than just your night out. Hopefully you will be able to talk it through and figure it out.

I believe in having your special times out without spouses. I have 2 friends that are closer to me than family and we make a point to get together and go out at least a half-dozen times per year and then we have each other at any special functions such as birthday parties for our families. We consider each other family. They have been my friends longer than my husband has been with me (we've been married almost 30 years and my friends were there before he ever came on the scene). These 2 friends and I take a golf trip for 3-5 days every year as well and have been doing so since our kids were toddlers while our hubbies looked after the little ones. My husband likes to go to concerts and I hate the crowds and noise - he goes with his friends or his sister rather than insist I go with him. He comes home happy, I'm happy I didn't have to sit through a rock concert and in turn I don't ask him to go to theatre productions which he hates. It's give and take and if you love and trust each other there shouldn't be a problem.

My rule is that if I am tempted to do something when I'm out, that if I can come home and tell my husband about it, then I will do it and enjoy it. If it's something that I wouldn't want my husband to know about, then I shouldn't be doing it and I won't. I advised our daughter to think that way when she was a teen and going out. I told her if she was comfortable coming home and telling her dad and I what she did - great, if not, she shouldn't be doing it.

And before anyone thinks that I am against bars, I am not.As a matter of a fact, Shawn and I met at a bar.

Personally I think that there must be something deeper for anyone to even menton divorce and that it is probably a lot bigger than a night out.

Since we have moved on to the bigger topic, personally I need my space. Matt and I do a lot together but he goes to bars with his friends and I go with mine. He has female friends and I have male friends, that is life and both of us are comfortable with it.

Like Yosemite, we have a 'if you wouldn't tell don't do it' type relationship. We don't need to tell each other what we did, but we do tell each other.

As far as guys seeing "single" girls in a bar, we just say we are in a relationship and carry on with our night, it has never been a big deal for any of us, and while my opinion disagrees with yours Tammy, I also think you are entitled to your opinion and shouldn't feel the need to edit because others do not agree with your opinon.

I'm sorry you're going through this It sounds like an empty threat, but it's probably worth getting some sort of counselling to see what's really going on.

and while my opinion disagrees with yours Tammy, I also think you are entitled to your opinion and shouldn't feel the need to edit because others do not agree with your opinon.

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Thanks Eithne
I know that not everyone thinks or feels as I do.Nor I them.

Did he know you were going out last night? Or was you going out something that he wasn't aware that was going to happen?

Originally Posted by crittermom

In MY opinion, you should ONLY go out for a drink with your husband or SO.
I will NOT argue my OPINIONS with anyone here......as they are JUST that,MY OPINIONS!
Whatever works for you as a couple is fine.

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That is the way that I feel too Tammy, but like you that is just my opinion. I might go out to eat with a friend or whatever but that is it, I am not gonna go to a bar drinking without my husband.

Originally Posted by LSULOVER

That is the way that I feel too Tammy, but like you that is just my opinion. I might go out to eat with a friend or whatever but that is it, I am not gonna go to a bar drinking without my husband.

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Normally, I agree, but J doesn't drink.
He will, however, drop me and a friend at a bar and go to a local pool hall (no smoking) and check in on us occasionally.
Usually though, I'd rather go to a restaurant that has a bar, then J can visit with us, without dealing with all the smoke.

But just going out to dinner or such, yeah, everyone needs some time away from their SO.