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Should I have sent this?????

post #1 of 40
Thread Starter 
I really value and respect the advice you guys give me, so I should have asked you this BEFORE I sent it....

I am going to worry about this all night now....

Here's the story (quick version)....

I had a best friend (Stacy) and she and I were best friends for about 4 years. Very very close.

Then 6 months after my dad died, we had a huge fight....HUGE!!!!
She sent me a very hurtful e-mail, saying things like I needed to start dealing with my father's death, and get a grip on reality, and seek professional (sp?) help if that's what it took, etc. etc.

She really hurt me...and at that point in my life, I couldn't handle it....so I sent an e-mail right back to her saying alot of hurtful things right back to her.

It of course was the end of our friendship.

I don't for one second think it was all my fault. I think she was cruel, inconsiderate and hurtful...she has never lost a parent, let alone two, and had NO idea what I was going through at the time.

But....it has bothered me for the past two years since the fight that we no longer speak....we work together, which makes it even worse....she is a very unforgiving person, and I had no intentions of apologizing for something I feel is not intirely my fault.

So for the past 2 years, we have worked together, never spoken, and basically "hated" each other.

Tonight...I decided to just try to make things a little bit better....even if it meant saying I was sorry, even though I still think she should be apologizing as well!!!!

She has since this fight, replaced me with a new best friend (who works with us also) and that is fine...I did not write this letter to gain back her friendship or affection, only to try to make some peace......

I sucked it up and kind of made it sound like it was all my fault, even though I don't believe it was...just to try to make things better. Granted, I DID make mistakes, and I DID say things I should not have in the heat of the moment...but so did SHE!!!!!

Anyway....I do miss things about her....and I do regret things I said (but I only said because she said things that hurt me, at the time)....

This is very personal, but I am sharing it with you because you all are like my best friends now.

I don't expect this letter I wrote her to change a thing between us....but the whole fight has been eating away at me for the past 2 years, but I just could not bring myself to apologize. (since I felt she had just as much to apologize for, and I know she never will)

Also...to explain what I mean in the letter, about "buying her friendship" because I couldn't do other things...what I mean, and she knows I'm sure what I meant, but since you all don't, I want to explain....

She is very talented...she can make things....beautiful things...like she has made shelves for me, and she even made our picnic table....she has a talent with wood...and is very good!!!! So she was always making things for me. But I never asked her to do it for free...she either did it as a gift, (like for my birthdays or christmas, ect) or else I paid her....but anyway...since I felt I could not do things like that for her (because of lack of the talent) I would buy her things instead....she was really into softball stuff...so I bought her things that had to do with that.....

I know I am rambling here...but this is the first time I have ever spilled my guts to you guys about this, and it is VERY important to me.

Anyway....after 2 years of silence....we walk past each other at work and don't even look at each other, let alone speak...I finally got up the courage to apologize. I don't think I am any more at fault than she is, but I still felt the need to apologize.

It's not because I want the friendship back...it is too little too late, and there is too much water underf the bridge for that....it is because I felt it was unsolved, and it has been bothering me alot lately!!!!

I just hope SHE doesn't think I am doing this because I think we will be friends again, because I don't..I know she has a new best friend, that is fine, I don't even care if she even acknowledges this e-mail I sent, but I still felt the need to send it...even though I made it sound like it was all my fault, and it wasn't!!!!!! I just wanted some closure.....some peace!!!!!
I should have posted the e-mail before I sent it and asked your opinion on if I should send it.....but I didn't...I just wrote it and sent it...now I am feeling very vulnerable ....tell me honestly what you think.....please be blunt....tell me if it sounds like I am saying I am to blame, or if I am kissing too much butt, or of I am acting like I want her to be my friend again, (which I don't) or ANY thoughts you have about this!!!!

I am sort of regreting sending it....I think I may have sounded like a fool....

Okay....so here is an exact copy of what I just sent....

I don't expect you to reply to this e-mail...I don't even know for sure if you will get it...I'm not sure if you have the same e-mail anymore.... but I really need to say this....
I also don't expect it to change anything between us...there has been too much time gone by, almost two years,,,(March 7th to be exact) since our big fight, and the end of our friendship....and we both have gone through so many changes in our lives, and what we had is just in the past, I know... and you seem very happy, which I am glad....(and I mean that)....but I still have something I want to say....regardless of the fact that it will change nothing.... I am sorry. I truley am. I never meant to hurt you. I made some mistakes...big ones. I was so distraught over my father's death...and I am not trying to use that as an excuse, but I really did fall apart over it. I wasn't myself at all. The doctor that had put me on prozac for my depression before dad died, upped it to levels after he died that I now know were insanely too high. I did not know this at the time. I will never take another anti-depressant as long as i live...it is mood altering, life altering, and doesn't let you think normally.
I am not trying to use this as an excuse.
I am responsible for my own actions. i know that.
I guess what I am trying to say is that you were a good friend to me, and I appreciate very much that you were there for me when dad died....I didn't mean what i said in that e-mail, i only said it because I was hurt, by what you had said in your e-mail to me, and I lashed out before I had a chance to think.
I was on so much medication and it had only been 6 months since he had died.....I just wasn't myself at ALL!!!!!!
Like I said, I'm not trying to make excuses, but I wish you would understand that I didn't mean to hurt you....I just was going through the worst time in my life, and on these mind-altering drugs.....but yet....I can't blame anyone but myself.
I should have tried to make things right with you right away.
But I stupidly thought our friendship was strong enough to withstand even that.
I even bought you things, after the big fight, because I thought someday soon it would be over, and I couldn't resist getting these things i knew you would love.
I was stupid.
I guess I must have thought I could buy your friendship.
But that's not how I looked at it. I looked at it that I couldn't do much for you...because I don't have the talent or the resources to, (like how you did things for me) so instead, I thought buying you things that I knew you would love, like softball related things, would make up for the things I couldn't do.
I will always cherish the good times we had....and we did have some good times!!!
You are a good person, Stacy....you deserve a good life. You were a good friend to me....I just got so overwhelmed with the bad things in my life at the time that I couldn't see anything else.

Makes no sense, I know.
I really honestly believed it when we stopped along the road that one day on the way home from creston, and I said....is there ever anything I could do that I would be sorry for later, that would ever stop you from being my best friend??? Because i don't want that to ever happen!!! And you said, no....nothing, ever.
I really thought someday, when we were old, we would be sitting in our rocking chairs on our porches drinking bud lights together, like we said we would.

Like I said, I know this won't change anything.....I don't expect it to....I don't even expect you to act like you even got this. But....I still had to say it. I think we were both somewhat at fault....I think we both could sit and point fingers, and point out things to each other that the other person did or said that we thought was pretty crappy at the time...and that hurt us...but...it is in the past...there is no way to ever fix it, it is just done.
But, I wanted to just apologize for the things I did and said that hurt you....I honestly didn't mean to..even though I did. I just wasn't myself then...but that is no excuse, I know.
Anyway....I have wanted to tell you I am sorry for awhile now....just didn't have the guts too I guess. I hope you don't hate me, Stacy. Please don't hate me.
I wish you all the luck in life, and I hope you get everything you want out of life. I still care about you, and I am sorry I hurt you.
post #2 of 40

I think that this was a wonderful letter, and I know what you sacrificed to write it. I can feel the hesitation in the words and how you are striving to say the right thing without trying to grovel. You did a good job. I hope it helps you get through.....
post #3 of 40
Thread Starter 
Oh Hissy, thank you for replying to me!!!!!! I am sitting here on pins and needles wondering if I did the right thing.....thank you for saying it was a wonderful letter...I do hope I didn't sound pathetic!!!!
post #4 of 40
You certainly don't sound pathetic Debby, remember it is a great person who has the ability to say that they are sorry.

as Hissy said it is a wonderful letter, you can see the emotions you have put into writing that.

post #5 of 40
Debby - I think that was a VERY unselfish letter. You are being the bigger person here taking the first step. Whether your Stacy acknowledges receiving it or not, you have done the right thing. It takes a lot of courage to put your felings out there like that - especially to someone who you do not know how they are going to react.
Good job woman - and it makes me proud to know you!
post #6 of 40
I had a really close friend for a few years, while we were room mates at college. We lost touch - not a big fight, but a lot of issues in our friendship. Just recently I got an email from her, and now we have sort of tentatively started corresponding again. It turns out that she thought she had been a really awful friend, and thought I wouldn't want to hear from her. She was really difficult some times, but I understood why, and all I told her was how much I valued the friendship we had.

So - I guess the message is that your letter can only do good, even if all it does is lift the burden from your heart. And you may eventually be able to speak to each other again, even for the sake of the fond memories you must have about things that you did share.
post #7 of 40
Thread Starter 
Thank you so much for reading this and responding! Even though I am still very nervous about the whole thing, and not quite sure if I should have sent it or just left things alone, I do feel a bit relieved that I finally said these things to her. So hopefully it was for the best. It will be a bit ackward for me to see her at work on Monday, but I will just act like normal I guess and go about my business.
post #8 of 40

I think that letter was unselfish of you. I hope she will understand, so maybe you could have some sort of friendship, once again! I want to hear what goes on on Monday if she gets it...... I'l keep my fingers crossed for you that something good happens out of it.... You deserve it And, I would go on as if it were a normal day on Monday ..... Let her come to you first.
post #9 of 40
Thread Starter 
Well, I don't expect her to come to me about it at all, or even acknowledge it, actually....I may never even know for sure if she even got it or read it. But, I just felt it was something that needed to be said...I needed some closure I guess.
post #10 of 40
You can find people's email addresses .... Do a sear on google for 'email addresses' & it may or may not show if she has the same or a new one. The only other thing I could think of is maybe write it out & send it to her?
post #11 of 40
Debby, I think your letter shows what a strong and caring person you are. It is hard enough to apologize when you did something wrong, let alone to apologize to someone who also wronged you.

You said you feel relieved after writing it, at least you have a certain peace of mind now, no matter what happens with her. I hope she at least starts to say Hi to you again.
post #12 of 40
First I would like to give you my condolances on the loss of your parents.
Second I think you have done a very mature thing in apologizing. I know it was a difficult but adult you had to do and you did a great job!
I hope this resolves itself. Who knows there may be a note or card from her at work! She may be missing you as much as you miss her. I'll keep my fingers crossed for a happy ending!
post #13 of 40
Debby, that was a beautiful letter.

It takes a big person to admit they were wrong (not that I am saying you were) and it takes an even bigger person to swallow their pride and accept the apology and move on. I hope that Stacy realises how hard this was for you to write. And hey....maybe, on monday, you will find out she has been wanting to do the same thing but did not have the courage for fear of what you might think. Won't you be thrilled and relieved that you no longer have to wonder what she's been thinking about anymore?

In the long run, no matter how this ends, one thing for sure is that you did your best to make things better. Now, you no longer have to carry the burden of wishing you had said/done something to make things right again because...you have.

Good luck! Keep us posted! (((Hug)))
post #14 of 40
I think it was a wonderful, heartfelt letter, and if she isn't touched by it, then she is not the person you described so lovingly. I hope it helps you get some peace of mind, and regain the friendship. I know it seems like it my never be the same, but you never know. There may be hope for rocking chairs and Bud Lights, yet!
post #15 of 40
I agree w/ what everyone has said. I think what is most important is that you wrote what you felt & now that weight is off of your chest. I hope you will atleast get a Hi from Stacy.

Kind of similar......... I workeed with a lady @ the same plant that me & hubby used to work at (he still does), and she started dating this co=worker of mine. She is 40 & he was 28. Well, she was still married @ the time, and in the process of getting a divorce. I hadnot spoken to him for about a few months (work issue). I didnot agree w/ the whole situation. Anyways, hubby & I were walking in from break one night & they were sitting together in the lobby, so I waved to her, & she did not. Months later, I had heard she thought I was mad at her vise versa. Anyways, about a year later, she had answered the phone in her area. I eventually asked how she was, etc........ I was nervous, but I figured it couldn't hurt. And, her ex-boyfriend ....... he was transferred to the closing plant that I was @, and I eventually started talking to him. So, I hope your friend will have the decency to say hi.
post #16 of 40
Debby, you did the right thing. It's not about who is right or wrong, it is about valuing friendship. If you are missing Stacey, she is probably missing you too. I had a major falling out with two of my dearest friends, one on a similar issue to yours. One friend rang me in a drunken stupor at midnight and I was so happy to hear from her. We talked for hours after not talking for over 2 years (I didn't go to her second wedding because of it; something I regret to this day) I wrote a couple of times to the second friend after 3 years and just after she received my last letter, her son died. She rang me to tell me about her son and to say that my letter helped her get through those black days. They are both back in my life and I thank God every day that they are. There is nothing to feel foolish about with friends and they are always worth forgiving. If you don't get a response from Stacey in the next couple of weeks, send her a letter to her home and just tell her that you miss her and that you'd love to hear from her. I hope it works out. I know from experience that it's worth it.
Diann in Australia
post #17 of 40
I think it was a good idea you sent it. You obviously needed to get it off your chest, and you wrote it very eloquently.

I had a friend ( ironically named Stacy also) who I was friends with for about 10 years. We were best buds in HS, and stayed friends after. Well, after I had kids and was married for quite some time she got engaged and asked me to be in her wedding. I was living in Germany at the time and I said no because I didn't want to make such a big commitment being so far away. She understood, although looking back, that was the beginning of the end for our friendship.

After I moved back to the US, her wedding was in Novemeber of 2000. I had been back here for about 6 weeks at that point, and decided to only attend the church portion of the wedding. I chose that for several reasons, mostly because my husband couldnt' get off of work that day, and I didn't feel like leaving my kids all day w/ someone when we had just moved here and they were not adjusted yet. Not to mention, the wedding was far from where I lived, the church was over an hours drive, the reception another hour from there.

Well, needless to say we lost our friendship over this. She thought I didn't care about her, and I felt like she didn't respect the fact that I had a family and unfortunately couldn't make it. She and I spoke one or two times after, but eventually lost touch. Its sad, I really loved her but the whole situation caused such a Rif that we couldn't overcome it.

boy, I've rambled now!!!!!!!!!Sorry!!

I hope your friend responds, Debby.
post #18 of 40
Thread Starter 
Thank you so much!! I also talked to one of my other friends who works with us also, today about this, and told her what I had done. She doesn't care much for this other person (Stacy) and told me she doubts I hear anything back from her, but that if it made me feel better, than it was good that I did it. She also said that knowing Stacy, she will tell her new friends at work that I sent her an e-mail begging for her friendship back, (which I did not) or saying that I was completely to blame, or blaming everything on the anti-depressants, etc. etc....you know, basically try to make me look really bad for this, but...if she does do that, so be it. I know what was in the letter, and I know what was in my heart. When I stand before God someday I will have a clear conscience about this, and she will be the one who has a few things to answer to him for.
post #19 of 40
You did the best thisng to heal yourself! That is the important thing. It seems as if things were festering and that you need to express them in order to be whole and move on. I think what you did took alot of courage and I admire you for that. I wish I were as brave to do the same with a friend that i lost 5 years ago.
post #20 of 40
Well, if she does do what your friend thinks she will do, then maybe she is not a true friend. IF she does tell her other friends & makes you look bad, then I dont think that is a friend, and that will show she is just immature.
Debby, you have alot of friends here who care about you, so if she is not willing to accept your appology, then that is her loss & not yours! There..... point said! lol.
post #21 of 40
Thread Starter 
Thanks Ady and Tigger!!!

And Daniela, I forgot to say in my last post, that it was really crappy of your friend to get angry with you because of the fact that you didn't go to her wedding reception, I mean it isn't like you didn't go to the wedding at all! YOu drove over an hour to get there, leaving your children behind with someone they didn't know well, since you just moved there, and I think that was highly commendable!!! She should be ashamed of herslef!

One of my best friends, (the one who sadly has MS now) lives 4-5 hours away from me, but made the drive down anyway, and came to my wedding (was my maid of honor too) and then she only stayed at the reception for a half hour or so, because she wanted to spend sometime with the guy she was seeing, and didn't feel real well anyway, so she left. Did I get mad? NO. I was thrilled she had made the effort to drive so far to come to the wedding and be in it.
Your friend should not have taken offense. It is sad that some people are like that.

As far as Stacy telling her other friends about the e-mail, and twisting it around to make me look bad...well, if that happens, at least I know that her new best friend is a kind decent person (or at least she seems like it) she even talks to me when she gets a chance, although she told me Stacy doesn't want her to even talk to me (isn't that silly) but she does...and I think she may take what Stacy says about it with a grain of salt, she knows I'm a good person.
post #22 of 40
See, that is silly for her to tell her "new" best friend to not talk to you! That show a lot of maturity right there. How did they happen to become best friends, just out of curiosity?
post #23 of 40
Thread Starter 
Well, they started working together in the same area of the factory about a year ago, and I think Stacy was looking for someone to spend her time with, and that is how it happened. It is silly her not wanting her friend to talk to me.
post #24 of 40
Debby, by her telling her friend not to talk to you, it makes me think she has low self-esteem and is very insecure.

Now, if she handles this email like your friend told you she may (ex: tell everyone you are begging for her friendship), then you will know right then and there that she is trying to feed off of it to make herself look good. If that is the case, then I wouldn't worry about her anymore. Personally, if I was someone she was telling this to. My first question would be to wonder why she would have abandoned you when you needed her the most in the first place. It kind of makes her look like a friend that really is not a friend when you need one the most. So...she may think twice before telling people about this.

But....stay positive. This may end up better than you think. She may surprise you. And if she doesn't, then just file this away into the "never to be opened again file" and move on. You did the right thing for yourself.

Good luck tomorrow!
post #25 of 40
Thread Starter 
Thanks! I figure people at work know me well enough to know I wouldn't want her friendship back, not the way it was anyway...at the end of our freindship she was so controling and jealous of any time I spent with other friends, etc. and it stressed me out as well as her. I just wanted to make some peace with her if that was possible.
post #26 of 40

Just to say I congratulate you on your bravery, as well as your wonderful letter.

It takes a brave person to stand up and take the first step, in a matter such as this, and I hope that your erstwhile friend realises your willingness to do this, and the opening you have allowed her to respond and heal this unfortunate rift in your friendship.

No matter what the outcome...you have done all you can. Well done.
post #27 of 40
I think everyone who posted before me has basically summed up my reaction to your situation. Without rehashing everything, I'll say this.

If one person puts there pride aside, no matter the situation, and does an action that will benefit human kind, then it will never have been done in vain.

There is only one question you should ask yourself now: Did the letter help you to calm an anxious spirit? Yes? Then your task is done.

Debby, never feel like you have done wrong when expressing your true emotions!

post #28 of 40
Well, Debby, I'm jumping in here pretty late in the game.

I just wanted to remind you of the one thing that is repeated time and time again here by the wonderful people that share this space.

Follow your heart.

Your heart has been aching. You felt compelled to act. That is your heart speaking to you, and you listened.

It is much easier said than done, but it doesn't matter what Stacy says or does. If she is a person worthy of being friends with you, this will help heal things between you. If she is not worthy of your wonderful friendship, she will try to make you look bad.

I agree with Ghyslaine - this just means she is insecure.

Hold your head high. You should be proud that you were able to open your heart and swallow your pride. It would be wonderful if she apologized too, for she "owes" you one too. If not, at least you tried. That is something many of us can learn from, and so for that, we thank you for sharing.


post #29 of 40
I'm late on this too, and I am anxious to hear what happens on Monday at work with you.

Like the others have said, you did the right thing to help you heal and have closure. That truly is what is important. I had to write a letter like that, too, only I had no where to send it (to an ex-boyfriend who bailed on me when I was 16 and pregnant (had a miscarriage), only to come back to let me know he had been cheating on me after we got back in touch, "but she reminded him a lot of me, and she was carrying to term."). Just writing the letter allowed me to get on with my life and added closure where it wasn't there before.

I hope that Stacy doesn't react the way you think she may. She may surprise you. But if she doesn't, then she isn't worth the energy to try to salvage what was lost. You are a wonderful person Debby, and no matter what she tells people they will see you (and her) for what you really are.
post #30 of 40
Debbie - sorry for the late reply - dodgy email connection again.

Whether this email has any effect or not, you know you have said what you needed to say. It is a brave and important thing for you to do, and I personally applaud it.

Whether this makes any difference to your relationship with Stacey, and whether she runs and tell her new friends about it - I wouldn't let that concern you.

Basically, you have acted in a mature, adult and above all, Christian manner by sending this email.

I just wish you hadn't apologized so much. The death of a parent is a truly life-changing thing - the death of 2 parents in short succession is almost too much to bear. If she couldnt be there for you to help you through your hell - then she really is no friend.

You have come through the experience stronger and wiser. And whereas I would never wish any bereavement on anybody - she will at some point in her life realize what agonies you were suffering.

You are the winner, you are in the right. You have a wonderful husband, daugther and step-kids.

You've also got world-wide friends at the Cat Site.
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