Giving Cats Pills (joke)

chrissyr

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INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

6. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

7. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

8. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

9. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

10. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

11. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

12. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

13. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

14. Arrange for vet to make a housecall.
 

leto86

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I've read it before. but it's still funny.


I don't get why people say cats are hard to pill.. but I guess I've had years of experience doing it, so.
 

belongstoevie

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I replied to another of your jokes saying all these were great, but I want to add to this joke. I've read this one before, too, but it was called something like "Dogs vs Cats", or something, can't remember...

You have to go through all 14 steps to give the cat the pill, as we all know. Then the next paragraph says:

Instructions for giving your dog a pill
1. Put pill in meat. Feed to dog.

The contrast is great for all us cat AND dog people!
 

reesespbc

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Originally Posted by Leto86



I've read it before. but it's still funny.


I don't get why people say cats are hard to pill.. but I guess I've had years of experience doing it, so.
We had to give Reeses Prednizone every day for about a month, but they were just small pieces of a pill. I would just take a medicine syringe and stick it in the corner of her mouth so she'd open, or just press my fingers against her mouth so she'd open and flick the pill down her throat. I'd then hold her mouth shut for about 5 seconds until when tell she swallowed. Of course my wife has to restrain her at this time but it wasn't bad
Much easier (and cleaner) than giving liquid
 

alleygirl

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Hilarious!

5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
That's ALMOST what I had to do to get Alley to eat the hairball remdedy
 
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