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The Let's Rant! Thread

post #1 of 29
Thread Starter 
Are you irritated? Let it out here!

My mother has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (father too). This means she has a cognitive deficiency that makes her unable to feel empathy; in other words, she cannot put herself in someone else's shoes.*

Here are things that my mother knows and has been told repeatedly:

Daughter and I have perfume sensitivities
I have extremely sensitive skin, some eczema, and have to be very careful what I use on it
Daughter loathes pink, calls it "the P word," and has refused to wear it for a year now
Daughter likes dinosaurs, dragons, bugs, music, sewing, knitting, Halloween, and spooky things

Anyway, mother just sent us a package, which is an extremely rare event. Here is what was in it:

a bottle of vitamins, opened, used, and expired
perfumed soaps and lotions that someone gave her
a new flap book, with the flaps torn off (she read it)
2 cases of scented moisturizer, new, six different scents, $300 worth, from QVC I think
a pink baseball cap with "Princess" in little studs on the front, but enough studs are missing that you can't really read what it says
an old, used-up lip balm
a paring knife

Anybody want to trade mothers?

*People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder are generally hostile and cruel. They cannot reason well, and don't listen to you when you talk unless you are saying something about them. They can't take other people's feelings into consideration; do not care about others' wishes, needs, or possessions; and don't realize that others will react negatively when abused, used, or lied to (no empathy). They follow certain rules only because of fear of getting caught; their moral level is like that of a five year-old child. They are envious and competitive, contemptuous of others, negative, and complaining, Narcissists live in a fantasy world where they are beautiful, powerful, and perfect. They react negatively to criticism (my parents react violently). They have no sense of humor (again, you need empathy for that), they have a false sense of entitlement, are usually extremely stingy and mean, are prejudice and think everyone is "beneath" them. They give terrible gifts since they don't know or care what you might want, and feel you should be honored if given something that was lying around in their house, then they become haughty if you don't adequately appreciate the gift. Narcissists don't recognize that others have feelings, and don't even recognize their own feelings as belonging to them. They are so out of touch with themselves and others that they think everyone is like this.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/nar...652/DSECTION=1

http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/traits.html#gift
post #2 of 29
My mom is pretty bad too..I am used to it. She is kind of dependant on alcohol and very bitter and unhappy. Won't change a thing to make her happy though..she is stuck in a rut. She never encouraged us as children or young adults and I believe thats why its easy for my sister and brother to be wickid underachievers. I would be one if it weren't for my wonderful friends I happened upon in high school.

Yeah, its hard to have messed up family..but not everyone can be perfect I guess right?
post #3 of 29
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Trouts mom View Post
My mom is pretty bad too..I am used to it. She is kind of dependant on alcohol and very bitter and unhappy. Won't change a thing to make her happy though..she is stuck in a rut. She never encouraged us as children or young adults and I believe thats why its easy for my sister and brother to be wickid underachievers. I would be one if it weren't for my wonderful friends I happened upon in high school.

Yeah, its hard to have messed up family..but not everyone can be perfect I guess right?
O.K. so I guess I don't want to trade with you, no offense. Thanks for listening... more ranting!
post #4 of 29
Quote:
Originally Posted by SwampWitch View Post
Anybody want to trade mothers?

umm well I havent had a mum since I was 9 yrs old - she walked out on us - saying that, your mum sounds a bit of a tough cookie to deal with

But I think you demonstrate how capable you are of handling your mom, you're obviously aware of how the disorder manifest itself and have experience of what to expect. So I think you are doing pretty well.

But I understand a good old rant really helps !!!
post #5 of 29
OMG, does anyone else now have this sudden urge to call their Mom?

"Hello Mom, just needed to tell you what an awesome Mom you are."

Thanks for being such a nice person!
post #6 of 29
wow that disorder sounds like a doozy... just a thought, maybe you could donate al lthat lotion you obviously will not be using to a local battered women's shelter? the rest can probably be pitched I have no rants, just lots of for you!
post #7 of 29
That sounds hard to deal with. I have a few issues with my mom, but mostly it is a generational thing (she is 93 now), and I really respect her for the person she is. I think in your boat it would be important to keep a sense of humour and try and ensure your daughter does too. Laugh at it together but be polite in front of your parents. Good luck and all the best.
post #8 of 29
OK, I know you were not looking for sympathy or understanding, and I am glad you described that disorder because that is obvioulsy what my mother has as well, with the exception that she LOVES my brother, and has made no bones about prefering him to me throughout our lives. When I see where I am now and from where I came I am amazed, but if only I had had a loving and caring mother. Probably could have been much further along. WEll, whadya gonna do? It is what it is.
post #9 of 29
I'm so sorry you are dealing with all of this, many hugs to you!!!
post #10 of 29
I have a very good relationship with my mom. When my sis & I were little she always told us that there was no such wood as "can't" we would even show it to her in the dictionary but she said that wasn't right!! She made all our cloths (lucky us twins dressed alike for many many years!!) I talk with her quite alot on the phone. The only thing is is buy stupid items she never uses/wears then drops it either at my house/consignment shop or Goodwill. Its crazy!!! I wish she would eat more unhealthy items-she could stand to gain a few pounds.
post #11 of 29
I don't have to live with your mom so I don't really know all the issues, but it seems to me that instead of anger, you should feel more concern and pity. I hope your daughter is not growing to dislike/hate her grandmother because her grandmother has this illness. That would be unfortunate. I lost my mom a couple years ago and even with all the things we probably got on each other's nerves about, I'd love to have her back with me. I see some things I feel terribly guilty about and would love to be able to do them over. There were times I was short with her because I didn't have "time" for her when I now see that all she wanted was to share a few moments with me. She loved me greatly and I didn't always appreciate it.

I do however, feel great peace in knowing that our daughter loved her grandmother greatly and in those times when I was "too busy", Jennifer would take her shopping or to the store for me. Now I wish I had gone too.
post #12 of 29
Call her up and thank her for all the stuff. Exclude the part about "That I'm going to be selling on eBay".

My mom isn't as bad as yours...I just remember that up until age 22 or 23, she always bought me a toy...from the kids section, not the computer section. So if I wanted a digital camera, I got a Simon Says.. or something along those lines.
That was mostly because I'm the youngest and she had a hard time realising that I was an adult. Her children toys gift giving stopped after I got embarrassed when my SIL parents were visiting to the US. They asked my brother why she was still giving an adult child toys. My brother told her to stop and I did as well.

Sorry that your mother has this disorder.
post #13 of 29
Thread Starter 
Thanks, everyone, for all the well wishes! I'm a little embarrassed that this turned into a thread about my abusive parents (again). Thanks for listening.

Quote:
Originally Posted by katiemae1277 View Post
...maybe you could donate al lthat lotion you obviously will not be using to a local battered women's shelter?...
That's a great idea! I was thinking of sticking the cases with our donations to Big Brothers Big Sisters, or putting them in the teacher's lounge at the school, but your idea is way better.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jennyranson View Post
...I think in your boat it would be important to keep a sense of humour and try and ensure your daughter does too. Laugh at it together but be polite in front of your parents...
She has started the constant criticism to Daughter now, too. The last time (THE LAST TIME!) my mother visited (to see her granddaughter, not me, she was clear on that), my mother started screaming at me while I was driving, and Daughter took up for me, and when we got home mother smeared her feces all over our bathroom. That was one reaction she had to criticism. She doesn't take it well.

I am a good daughter. I am respectful and kind to my parents when I have contact with them.

Quote:
Originally Posted by gailuvscats View Post
...When I see where I am now and from where I came I am amazed, but if only I had had a loving and caring mother. Probably could have been much further along. WEll, whadya gonna do? It is what it is.
I wonder the same thing. Maybe I'd be a yucky person if I'd had it too easy. I believe I would be a physically healthier person.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Yosemite View Post
...I hope your daughter is not growing to dislike/hate her grandmother because her grandmother has this illness. That would be unfortunate...
Please see above. I appreciate what you are saying, though. My childhood was loveless, abusive, and violent. I don't think I feel anger any more. I posted because it is a reality check for me.

Years ago, I mourned the fact tha I will never know the unconditional love of a parent. I am O.K. with it; I'm not a victim. I've made my own life now, it is wonderful, and I am loved. My daughter is old enough to make her own choices. She loves her grandma, but has seen the problems, too. Thank goodness she has another grandma, who is not insane.
post #14 of 29
Quote:
Originally Posted by SwampWitch View Post

She has started the constant criticism to Daughter now, too. The last time (THE LAST TIME!) my mother visited (to see her granddaughter, not me, she was clear on that), my mother started screaming at me while I was driving, and Daughter took up for me, and when we got home mother smeared her feces all over our bathroom. That was one reaction she had to criticism. She doesn't take it well.
This is incredible...unbelieveable...I just can't imagine a parent...a mother no less...doing this...I'm so sorry about all this...

Much love y great-big Hilda-hugs to you and Daughter...
Hilda>^..^<
post #15 of 29
Thread Starter 
My husband helped clean up - he ran to the store and got gloves and Lysol (which triggers my asthma but you've got to disinfect, you know?).

At the end of the day, he kissed me, and whispered, "I'm sorry you had such a shi**y day." I love my husband.
post #16 of 29
I am irritated because it's spring break and I'm BUSY!

My professor lost an entire folder that had all of my classwork in it for the quarter, so now I have to recopy all of that and resend it. Again, while I'm on spring break.

I'm irritated at myself for two reasons:
1. Ian offered to clean my place for me (he likes to do the scrubbing and mopping, I like to organize and put away, so we often cover for the other each each other's places) and it took him 4 hours yesterday to clean less than 450 sq. feet of floor and I yelled at him! I didn't mean to, and it was really mean of me, but I did. And so now I feel crappy.

2. I got my hours all screwed up for work, so instead of chaning it to like 2-6 today and then working the concert immediately afterwards, I worked 10:30-2:30 and am now stranded downtown (since public transport is totally unreliable except during rush hour) and Im just hanging out here until the concert starts. Yipppppy.

Oh well. I think I'm going to make lemonade out of that last lemon and go walk in Milennium Park.
post #17 of 29
Quote:
Originally Posted by SwampWitch View Post
At the end of the day, he kissed me, and whispered, "I'm sorry you had such a shi**y day." I love my husband.
Aww. I love your husband, too!
post #18 of 29
My dad is a self righteous prick who thinks of no one but himself.

I cant talk to him about politics or religion because everything i say is wrong and not in his 'bible' eg. i tried starting a convo about young girls who get abused and asking him what he thought about the abortion pill. he pretty much stopped me after the words pregnant teen. he doesn't have empathy or sympathy or kindness in his bone unless it's to impress some person he barely knows or to annoy me. if you were 13 and you got assaulted and became pregnant, surely some people would agree that carrying a baby full term could be a bad thing for the child (teen) she would go through the trauma of something she shouldn't be doing for another 10 or more years (or at least till shes had an education and a proper childhood) and shed be reminded of the person who attacked her. my father doesnt think about any of this. as soon as this stuff is brought up it is 'the bible says thou shall not kill' blahblah

whenever i have problems with my weight, self esteem issues etcetc dad thinks the answers to everything is a simple 'yes or no'. evetrything is black and white with him, no inbetween.

he says people are stupid for visiting graves and holding onto the memory of a dead person. that it's just a shell and the person is dead why should you visit a graveyard. thou he holds onto these ugly pots my nana made (she is alive and i love her dearly) insteasd of spending more time with her while she is alive. he makes such a big deal about them. jazzy was in her tunnel and rolled against the wall where the pots werer lined up (pretty stupid place to put them, on a wooden floor, against a wall when you know you have energetic pets running about) and he got p****d off and moved them 'its the only thing i have left of her' SHES ALIVE!!!

my whole life hes had a thing about makeup, tattoos, jewellery. he says piercings are shrapnell and everyone who uses these things have no self esteem and dont respect their bodies. he judges SO many people on their looks even if he hasnt met them and doesnt care if they could be nice people. so the other day when mum and i were talking about smelly people (either people who dont wash or have alot of curry/garlic in their diet and it effects their body odour) he went on and on about us judging people and we shouldnt say stuff like that. all we said was that it smelt awful and the smell of a group of 5 teen boys wafted down the whole shopping aisle. but there was no laughing or faces on our behalf, we just walked off. FFS!!! And he says we should be more christian and shouldnt judge people by the way they look. HE DOES IT

i am wiccan, i am interested in many different ways of life, i have a very open mind, but not to christianity. i have had bad experiences within my own family of being cornered as the black sheep and told i would be sent to hell if i dont believe in god etc (im sure alot of the people here are christians and that is fine, you are all nice) dad always makes fun of me and half the time thinks my opinion isnt important on anything because i 'believe in magic and silly things that arent real' but he is allowed to carry on about how the earth was created and i was created etc. and that everything in the bible 'stonings, rapes, incest' etc is perfectly fine. i cant even bring up the whole adam and eve incest thing. because it is logical. and some days he cant even make up his mind. he is SO strong about christianity, but he is such a zealot and so contradictory to himself and others.

i am 23 and i have to hide the fact that i have had sex before marriage and that i do adult things. he blackmails me into hugging him. i dont want to touch him but he says 'fine i wont talk to you if you dont hug me' or 'bugger off you're so cold' or 'ill cut off the internet if i dont get a hug' that isnt the way to get someone to love you. there is no way he can fix the last 23 years. then there are smalls things he tells me not to do like leave dirty plates out, dont slam your door, dont leave an empty toilet roll in the toilet, dont be rude about other people, dont make noise in the morning so other people sleeping can sleep' etcetc. he does ALL of that. i am so careful of how i am around him and he does all of this stuff. not out of forgetfulness, but laziness. just because i am now an adult doesnt mean he should stop making a good impression. he doesnt work either btw. and i am out during the week reporting to job agencies, going to counselling, spending time with Tristan, doing my own grocery shopping etc. But i am not allowed to talke back to him because he is the FATHER.

over a year ago i had some um personal objects which i kept hidden UNDER MY BED in a chest, out os sight to anyone but me. one day i came home and he had 'found' the chest, yelled at me to throw everything else, asked me why i had that disgusting stuff, did my bf have anything to do with it then restricted me to 2 hours of internet a day even to this day. now how does someone find this stuff unless they go into your bedroom and search every nook and cranny. he has back problems and he is 6'5". he would have had to get on his knees on the floor, pull the chest out and open the latch. that wasnt an accident!! that is an invasion of privacy. i am not 16 and i pay rent to my mother and he contributes nothing. i am so ****************** sick of this!!!!!
post #19 of 29
Emma...

I'm so sorry to hear all this about your dad. Wish there was something I could say to help...but, unfortunately, I know someone very similar to him and even at my age, I don't know how to deal with him most of the time.

Lots of love & hugs going your way...
Hilda>^..^<
post #20 of 29
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hilda>^..^< View Post
Emma...

I'm so sorry to hear all this about your dad. Wish there was something I could say to help...but, unfortunately, I know someone very similar to him and even at my age, I don't know how to deal with him most of the time.

Lots of love & hugs going your way...
Hilda>^..^<

You read all of that? lol

I hope i didnt overtake anyone elses rant, when it comes to my dad i always have stuff to say unfortunately.

Thanks Hilda *hugs* it is a big pity i know he will never change
post #21 of 29
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dragoriana View Post
You read all of that? lol

I hope i didnt overtake anyone elses rant, when it comes to my dad i always have stuff to say unfortunately.

Thanks Hilda *hugs* it is a big pity i know he will never change
I had to read this all because your dad is soooo much like this person of mine...I just had to read it, they are truly so alike...its eerie, the similarities.
I've known this person for almost 30 years...he hasn't changed 'much'. There have been some changes, and for those I am so thankful...and they've all been for the better...but it seems like when one thing gets better, something else 'bad' pops up.

I know for a fact that you didn't overtake SwampWitch's rant...she intended this to be a thread for anyone to rant about anyone/anything.

Hilda>^..^<
post #22 of 29
Dragoriana, time for youto get your own place!

Quote:
My husband helped clean up - he ran to the store and got gloves and Lysol (which triggers my asthma but you've got to disinfect, you know?).
You don't need to use lysol and it is toxic to people and cats. why do you think it triggers your asthma? there are "green" products you can use, or spray some alcohol.
Lysol is a waste of money and health.
post #23 of 29
Quote:
Originally Posted by gailuvscats View Post
Dragoriana, time for youto get your own place!

*points out bit in rant about going to job agencies* can't move yet
post #24 of 29
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dragoriana View Post
You read all of that? lol...
I read it all, too. I hope you read the links I posted; it is very liberating to find out that he's got problems, not you, and can't get reasonableness and understanding if he's not capable of it. It's sad he doesn't appreciate the amazing daughter he has. Good luck.
post #25 of 29
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by gailuvscats View Post
...You don't need to use lysol and it is toxic to people and cats. why do you think it triggers your asthma? there are "green" products you can use, or spray some alcohol.
Lysol is a waste of money and health.
I know, I know, that's why we didn't have any in the house. But if you had seen the bathroom! I wanted to clean and disinfect right then - the only "natural" store was long closed for the day, so he had to go to a chain. I rinsed the Lysol off with water really well before I was done.

My mother used to give me comet cleanser and bleach to clean the bathrooms every weekend. NOTE: don't do this - it can be deadly toxic!
post #26 of 29
HUG, does not sound much fun.
hm, Well i have a father that keeps saying he is going to come to my house and kill heyu and eazy
post #27 of 29
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dragoriana View Post
My dad is a self righteous prick who thinks of no one but himself.

I cant talk to him about politics or religion because everything i say is wrong and not in his 'bible' eg. i tried starting a convo about young girls who get abused and asking him what he thought about the abortion pill. he pretty much stopped me after the words pregnant teen. he doesn't have empathy or sympathy or kindness in his bone unless it's to impress some person he barely knows or to annoy me. if you were 13 and you got assaulted and became pregnant, surely some people would agree that carrying a baby full term could be a bad thing for the child (teen) she would go through the trauma of something she shouldn't be doing for another 10 or more years (or at least till shes had an education and a proper childhood) and shed be reminded of the person who attacked her. my father doesnt think about any of this. as soon as this stuff is brought up it is 'the bible says thou shall not kill' blahblah

whenever i have problems with my weight, self esteem issues etcetc dad thinks the answers to everything is a simple 'yes or no'. evetrything is black and white with him, no inbetween.

he says people are stupid for visiting graves and holding onto the memory of a dead person. that it's just a shell and the person is dead why should you visit a graveyard. thou he holds onto these ugly pots my nana made (she is alive and i love her dearly) insteasd of spending more time with her while she is alive. he makes such a big deal about them. jazzy was in her tunnel and rolled against the wall where the pots werer lined up (pretty stupid place to put them, on a wooden floor, against a wall when you know you have energetic pets running about) and he got p****d off and moved them 'its the only thing i have left of her' SHES ALIVE!!!

my whole life hes had a thing about makeup, tattoos, jewellery. he says piercings are shrapnell and everyone who uses these things have no self esteem and dont respect their bodies. he judges SO many people on their looks even if he hasnt met them and doesnt care if they could be nice people. so the other day when mum and i were talking about smelly people (either people who dont wash or have alot of curry/garlic in their diet and it effects their body odour) he went on and on about us judging people and we shouldnt say stuff like that. all we said was that it smelt awful and the smell of a group of 5 teen boys wafted down the whole shopping aisle. but there was no laughing or faces on our behalf, we just walked off. FFS!!! And he says we should be more christian and shouldnt judge people by the way they look. HE DOES IT

i am wiccan, i am interested in many different ways of life, i have a very open mind, but not to christianity. i have had bad experiences within my own family of being cornered as the black sheep and told i would be sent to hell if i dont believe in god etc (im sure alot of the people here are christians and that is fine, you are all nice) dad always makes fun of me and half the time thinks my opinion isnt important on anything because i 'believe in magic and silly things that arent real' but he is allowed to carry on about how the earth was created and i was created etc. and that everything in the bible 'stonings, rapes, incest' etc is perfectly fine. i cant even bring up the whole adam and eve incest thing. because it is logical. and some days he cant even make up his mind. he is SO strong about christianity, but he is such a zealot and so contradictory to himself and others.

i am 23 and i have to hide the fact that i have had sex before marriage and that i do adult things. he blackmails me into hugging him. i dont want to touch him but he says 'fine i wont talk to you if you dont hug me' or 'bugger off you're so cold' or 'ill cut off the internet if i dont get a hug' that isnt the way to get someone to love you. there is no way he can fix the last 23 years. then there are smalls things he tells me not to do like leave dirty plates out, dont slam your door, dont leave an empty toilet roll in the toilet, dont be rude about other people, dont make noise in the morning so other people sleeping can sleep' etcetc. he does ALL of that. i am so careful of how i am around him and he does all of this stuff. not out of forgetfulness, but laziness. just because i am now an adult doesnt mean he should stop making a good impression. he doesnt work either btw. and i am out during the week reporting to job agencies, going to counselling, spending time with Tristan, doing my own grocery shopping etc. But i am not allowed to talke back to him because he is the FATHER.

over a year ago i had some um personal objects which i kept hidden UNDER MY BED in a chest, out os sight to anyone but me. one day i came home and he had 'found' the chest, yelled at me to throw everything else, asked me why i had that disgusting stuff, did my bf have anything to do with it then restricted me to 2 hours of internet a day even to this day. now how does someone find this stuff unless they go into your bedroom and search every nook and cranny. he has back problems and he is 6'5". he would have had to get on his knees on the floor, pull the chest out and open the latch. that wasnt an accident!! that is an invasion of privacy. i am not 16 and i pay rent to my mother and he contributes nothing. i am so ****************** sick of this!!!!!
I'm sorry to her about your relationship with your Dad. Mine was not very nice to me, either (he died 7 years ago). I lived with my parents until I got married 3 years ago--at a quite late age! When I was little, my Dad physically abused me. He cared for me when Mom was at work. He also emotionally and verbally abused us. I was a fat kid, until adulthood. He always made nasty remarks, even in front of other people, about my weight. I loved to make my own clothes. He'd say, "What's wrong--getting so fat you need to build another dress each week?" Or, "Why can't you be pretty like (my ex-sister-in-law's name here)?" "You've always been nothing but trouble." (Yeah, right. I stayed at home to care for my elderly parents, whom used guilt to keep me chained to them.) My Mom was mean, but in a different way--not physically. I gave my life to this woman, and, when a relative started trouble with me, she sided with HER. Now, only 1 brother (I have 3) still speaks to me. The others ignore me in public, and even in Mom's house, only speaking to my hubby. I now feel that I have no family--it's like I lost them all in one fell swoop Christmas 2005. (Two brothers were overheard by hubby and my friend, saying I had no right to get married, and leave Mom.) Thank God for my wonderful husband and his family--they are my only family now. I have the best in-laws! They treat me the way my "family" should have.

I envy you folks who have great relationships with your parents. I've never known that feeling.

MargeCat
post #28 of 29
Hugs to all of you. It makes me so sad to think that people have to put up with such terrible things. When I read posts like these I feel so sorry and truly wish there was something to be done to make things better.

Unfortunately I'll go back to that old, worn out idea, that your troubles have shaped you and made you into the person you are today. Maybe that's not much consolation in the middle of an ongoing battle, but at least you can know that the people who have tried to destroy you have not succeeded, and have instead made you a million times better than the person they can ever hope to be.
post #29 of 29
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pekoe & Nigel View Post
Hugs to all of you. It makes me so sad to think that people have to put up with such terrible things. When I read posts like these I feel so sorry and truly wish there was something to be done to make things better.

Unfortunately I'll go back to that old, worn out idea, that your troubles have shaped you and made you into the person you are today. Maybe that's not much consolation in the middle of an ongoing battle, but at least you can know that the people who have tried to destroy you have not succeeded, and have instead made you a million times better than the person they can ever hope to be.

I try to think that way, too. You know the supposed Irish saying, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger"? I was also made fun of a lot in school (fat + red hair + shy=excuse to abuse!). While I wish I never had gone through it, I feel it's made me a better person. It made me more sensitive to others' feelings, as I know what it's like to be hated purely because you look "different". All of this said, however, I still have trouble dealing with ciriticism or perceived attacks on my feelings.

MargeCat
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