the best (magical) moment of my life (so far and always?), is also
(in retrospect) one of the worst as well.
the worst in the sense that i fell hard and broke my heart.
like death, my heart still
grieves what is now gone, what was.
the first and only time i fell in love.
i had seen this guy only one time before, and it was all
that corny " love at first sight " stuff, it literally felt
like i had walked off a cloud, and went swimming in a
glorious sunset... he was so beautiful, so graceful.
then he was gone, and i was left with the image of him
burned in my mind, the sight of him...
then a few years later at a coffeeshop i was sitting with
a few close friends, and my sister outside, we were talking
about - love at first sight and the possibities
of fate, destinies, attractions - everyone had a different
then in those moments of conversation, a blue VW bug pulled
up to the curb, my back was to it, so i didnt know it was there;
but i did, somehow. i turned and saw him step
out of the car, that same guy. he was with a woman, and
they were walking across the street toward the coffeeshop.
i turned my head to my friends, and tried to explain that
"he" was walking toward us, my "love at first sight" from
years previous - this felt like a dream - had we not just
been talking about fate? had we not just been talking about
it took them a few moments to realize what i was trying to
say, then they all seemed to understand simaltaneuosly, and
their faces showed shock! surprise, and wide grins
he and his friend went inside to get coffee's & latte's and
i sat there trying to breathe. as he passed me on the way in
his eyes found mine and smiled. i was fallen.
he came outside and sat at the table next to ours, but on an
angle so as he was not in my view but i was in his. he was
trying to seem interested in what his friend was saying but
he wasnt doing it well, he was staring at me, at my hair,
and my hands, and my eyes.
i had to get out of there! i thought i would break apart
from the moment, the pure moments being held - so my sister
and i headed for the car, i could barely walk yet i walked
with ease, with the same grace i had always had, the grace
you are gifted with at birth, that forms through years of
dancing, and thinking, being alive... passionate grace?
he had the same grace. he had the same hands as me. the same
smile in his eyes, the same pain in his silences.
i even remember what he was wearing, and what i was wearing.
it was summer, August, and i wore a black tank top with a
skirt with layers of sheer cloth, a beautiful rainbow of
a few weeks later i found out where he was working, and went
to have coffee there he was a cook. i walked in later in
the night with a friend and he was in the staff's lounge on
his break - you should have seen his face when he saw me -
he looked like he thought i wasnt real, a mirage, perhaps?!
shock, then the embarassed smile to quickly cover the shock
so my friend and i sat and had coffee. we talked about this
and that but i wasnt really there. i was still standing,
holding his gaze, tracing his frame with the memory those
few moments held. his beautiful hands. beautiful mouth.
about 20 minutes later the manager approached us (me) and
asked if i would come back after closing to meet him (the guy, the one) -
he said he was too shy to come and ask me himself, and had even
written me a note (poetry) but was also too shy to present it.
(shh, dont tell him i told you about the note, he said)
and i said, sure, smiling.
so i went back there later on, my heart felt freed, felt
alive. i was alive. i felt the fire of possiblilties
burning through me.
when i saw him in the parking lot by his car, again, he
looked surprised (he later told me he didnt think i would
actually come - but how could i not? i couldnt not)
i went over to him with an unsure voice about to say
but we just stood there, staring at one another.
then i got into his car and we were driving. we went to his
house so he could shower (he had just gotten off work) but
he never showered, and we didnt sleep for 48 hours after.
we talked forever, about everything there is to say. we
traced each others faces, i let him hold my hands in his,
watched him look up at me with those sad eyes and saw his
voice - the voice we cannot bring out of ourselves through
speech, the one that comes out only through our silences, our movements, our eyes.
and i saw his.
but in the end, it just couldnt be, and i left him, and he left me.
it was meant, i believe, but not at that time, not at that point in our lives.
our love was too fierce, it burned, it swallowed us.
our attraction just as fierce. but our pain was too big. his pain, and mine.
we both needed to become alive without the other. we were not ready for one another;
we were not ready for that kind of love.
do you know what i mean?
i will love him through every moment of my life,
with the purity of spirit and hope.
so, now you tell me. what has been the most amazing moment(s), the most beautiful time of your life?
your best moment.
[Edited by blue on 04-25-2001 at 03:53 AM]