Don't Flame Me, I'm Devastated Enough!!

kluchetta

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So last night I got a call from the mall that my daughter was caught SHOPLIFTING!!! This is beyond terrible. I totally feel like an awful parent and useless member of society. And she's my "good" kid...

She is, too - good grades, sweet, stood up to a bus full of people bullying someone last week. I just don't believe it!

I don't really need advice on her punishment and such, but is there any chance that she will go on and be a good person or is she spiraling downward into a pit of depravity?

(OK, that was a little overboard.) Oh, and she's 14, and one of the stores is pressing charges, which we fully support...
I feel horrible.
 

neetanddave

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Well, since you handled her punishment (which I am sure was not lashes with a wet noodle) I bet she sees the road to righteousness rather quickly now....

Sorry you have to go through it as well, but it WILL teach her a lesson.
 
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kluchetta

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Originally Posted by neetanddave

Well, since you handled her punishment (which I am sure was not lashes with a wet noodle) I bet she sees the road to righteousness rather quickly now....

Sorry you have to go through it as well, but it WILL teach her a lesson.
Yeah. She can go to school, babysit (cause she'll have to save her money to pay the ticket), practice her violin, and read. That's about it.
 

sprocket

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It is very important that she see the consequences of her actions. So I think the store prosecuting her is a good thing. Was she with other girls at the time, who might have put peer pressure on her to shoplift?

I'm not a parent, so I can not give you first hand advice on how you need to proceed. But you definitely need to have some family sit down talks to her, with both parents present (if possible).

I would definitely also take privliges away for at least a month, and be firm on that. Maybe take away mall privliges for a month, and add on extra chores at home and/or make her check in with you several times a day.
 

gingersmom

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Your child's actions do NOT automatically make you a bad parent, and it sounds to me like you have the right mindset.

Have you discussed this with her to find out WHY she did it? At that age, lots of kids are pressured into doing such things by their peers, like: I dare you to _____.

I even admit to shoplifting a couple of candy bars and packs of cigarettes at that age. Wasn't proud of myself, but there was a certain thrill to it, and I can understand why some folks are kleptos - it does give you a rush.

I am NOT advocating stealing, mind you, and I am glad that you are supportive of the prosecution to teach her the consequences of her actions.
 

lokismum

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Better to be nipped in the bud now rather than later! Yes, I think she will learn a valuable lesson from this. Since she is a good kid anyway, this may have been peer pressure rearing it's ugly head. She'll probably stand up to it next time someone pressures her, because she now knows the ramifications and I doubt she'll want to go through that again! Look at it as a life lesson for her - but yes, punishment is in order.
 

rosiemac

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I'm not making excuses for her, but she's at that awkward age
My friends daughter changed overnight from being one of the most sweetest young girls into a really evil little demon. She was 15 and you've never seen a young girl change so quickly like she did
Thankfully it was just a phase she was going through so it didn't last.

Did she say why she did it, and was she hanging around with a gang as well?
 

wesley's mom

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Well, I did a lot of stupid things when I was younger. I was such a good girl until I was in high school. It had to do with the people I was hanging out with. But I am sure she knows inside that it was wrong (since you told us how good she normally is). Sometimes at that age you just do a lot of stupid things. Doesn't mean she will get worse! I got better as I got older and wiser! Hang in there!
 
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kluchetta

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Originally Posted by Sprocket

It is very important that she see the consequences of her actions. So I think the store prosecuting her is a good thing. Was she with other girls at the time, who might have put peer pressure on her to shoplift?

I'm not a parent, so I can not give you first hand advice on how you need to proceed. But you definitely need to have some family sit down talks to her, with both parents present (if possible).

I would definitely also take privliges away for at least a month, and be firm on that. Maybe take away mall privliges for a month, and add on extra chores at home and/or make her check in with you several times a day.
Yes, she was also going to take a trip to see a friend over spring break - no way that's gonna happen. Oh, and the Mall kicked her out for a YEAR!!! (yay) And she was with one other girl. Honestly - I never would have expected it out of those two. I think the peer pressure was to wear certain clothes - cause that's what she was taking.


Thanks for listening, guys, I'm just soooo depressed. Crap. I screwed up, ya know?
 

gingersmom

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Originally Posted by kluchetta

Thanks for listening, guys, I'm just soooo depressed. Crap. I screwed up, ya know?
NO YOU DIDN'T!!!

SHE screwed up, NOT you. Please don't absorb HER responsibility. At 14 years old, the girl knows right from wrong, and as a parent you can only lay the best foundation possible for your child to build and grow upon.

Please don't beat yourself up about this!
 

neetanddave

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No Kim, you did not screw up. She did. She has to be held accountable for her actions. You will suffer too, since you'll be stuck policing her for the grounding. But YOU did what you needed to, she just made a poor decision. And you making her live with the results of that bad act shows that you know the right way to do things. if you let her off the hook, then you'd probably be getting
here....
 

gemlady

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Yes, you did not screw up.

Now, get out of your pity party.
You are not the only parent to have gone through this. Don't you go thinking you're all special or something.

(Did I make ya smile a little?
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trouts mom

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It is definately not your fault.

It could be that her peers are a bad influence on her..Seriously. I know its no excuse, but when I was in grade 6 or so, I used to hang out with this one girl and anytime we were together, we would shoplift. One day I got caught and my mom told mer she would call the cops if I ever did it again..and I never did it again after that.

Some kids do that, and it doesn't mean they are destined to be punks. They might turn into a freak...
...but can still contribute nicely to society
 

sandtigress

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You didn't screw up if she realizes that what she did was wrong. She's 14, she can make her own choices. I think the important thing is to find out why she did it and then have a heart-to-heart about the root cause. Not to excuse her behavior, of course, but I think since she is your "good child" she must have had a reason that needs working out. For instance, if its pressure to wear certain clothing that you don't allow her to wear, maybe you need to have a discussion on exactly why it is that she can't wear that. Of course, being in those teenage years she might not care, but at least you're making the effort.

Above all else (and of course you know this
) stand firm in whatever your punishment is! Don't waffle on it, or she'll know in the future that she can push you over. This is the time for tough love, and she'll appreciate it in the future.

Don't worry, you're not a bad mom!!
Sometimes kids make the wrong decisions, and good moms do whatever they can to put them back on the right course again, which is exactly what you're doing!
 

clixpix

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You're not a bad mom, and you know it! She screwed up big time, and my guess is that she regrets it even more than you do. If this is her first time, then I think it was a momentary (huge) lapse of judgement. I think you're right in making her punishment severe, and others are right that you must follow through completely on it. It is better that she learns now at 14 the consequences of such actions than at 18 where she would get prosecuted as an adult...then her entire life would be affected. Thankfully she got caught.

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.
 

pombina

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Oh no Kim Im really sorry

You are certainly not to blame for this. She's old enough to make up her own mind about whether things are right or wrong. She knows this is wrong but obviously thought she wouldnt get caught.
I am sure its just a one off and she will learn her lesson. Dont be so hard on yourself.
 

theimp98

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Originally Posted by kluchetta

I don't really need advice on her punishment and such, but is there any chance that she will go on and be a good person or is she spiraling downward into a pit of depravity?

(OK, that was a little overboard.) Oh, and she's 14, and one of the stores is pressing charges, which we fully support...
I feel horrible.
I was about to go to bed when i saw this, Ok i got busted once for doing the same thing, i had 10 audio tapes on me. i used to get in a ton of fights with other people.
i put more then few people in the hospital, along with myself. i liked to get into fights.
and to me the stealing was just a game. My mother told me that someone was going to shoot me before i was 30, But i did grow out of it. i think i turned ok.
couple of college degrees, got to travel lots of the world. so she will be fine,

i would bet if yoiu took at look at some of her friends, they are maybe e adding to it.
Just let her know how unhappy you are with her. take care and good luck
 

natalie_ca

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Going to court might be enough for her. I would talk to your lawyer and let him know that you want some kind of punishment and not just a "do not do it again" which would result in a slap on the wrist.

Community service, a tour of an adult jail....something to give her a wake up call. She's young and probably just testing limits and bending to peer pressure. It's not too late to turn her behaviour around.
 
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kluchetta

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Originally Posted by gemlady

Yes, you did not screw up.

Now, get out of your pity party.
You are not the only parent to have gone through this. Don't you go thinking you're all special or something.

(Did I make ya smile a little?
)
Yes - thank you!!!
 
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