Don't Flame Me, I'm Devastated Enough!!

Originally Posted by sarahp

I think it's one of those that kids do to see what they can get away with and because their friends pressure them into it.

If she's a sweet kid, and does well at school, I daresay she was mortified at being caught, and is incredibly embarrassed and upset with the whole thing.

I daresay this will be enough of a scare to make sure she never does it again.

to you both!

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Kim, I think it's pretty normal....most kids try it out once or twice, at her age with their friends....and parents that say their kid never has, isn't there all the time.... they just don't know, their kid hasn't gotten caught. Most kids won't do it again....it's just a "test" to see if they'd get caught doing it, or their friend suggested it & they don't wanna be a "baby" and say no. (please I still go through that with my DH! ) I think you are doing a fine job....all of your actions have been perfect....you have made her take responsability for her actions....don't blame yourself.

I had a wonderful dad, a military dad, and my little sister would still skip school in HS. My dad finally decided to take a week off work and go in to school with her, to every single class! Talk about embarassing!!! She finally decided she would go by herself. I think he may have just resorted to handcuffing himself to her & dragging her there if the 1st attempt didn't work. He just felt so out of options.....what else can you do? You can't be there 24/7.....

Kim please don't beat yourself up over it. I stole a Twinkie once from a C-store, and was caught. I was kicked out and told never to come back. Well, I left there devestated and scared to death! I think I was 9. Then one day Mom wanted me to go to this store to buy a loaf of bread and I burst out crying. I admited what I did and she took me back there and I apologized. It scared me straight! Your daughter will turn out fine if it's nipped now. Please know this!!! I think I turned out pretty terrific and she will too!

You are not a bad parent. You have to quit beating yourself up for her actions. People make mistakes..I know I have made enough of them, but it is human nature to learn from our mistakes..I think the store pressing charges will scare her enough to think long and hard about the choice that she made. I wish you luck..

Kim, I have nothing to add except that you have nothing to feel bad about. I think you have done the right things.

It sounds like she's a good kid. Instead of getting mad at her, I would have a heart to heart with her. Find out what made her do what she did. At that age it's easy to get pressured into things, becuase your friends are doing it. Everyone makes a mistake every now and then. I'm sure there isn't anyone on this board that hasn't done something they shouldn't have done. I fully support punishing her, she has to see that there are consequences for her actions. She's probably lucky that she got caught now, before it progressed into something worse.

Originally Posted by Cairo

No matter how great a parent is, at that age kids are going to do something really bad. Any parent that thinks they have a kid that never did anything that bad or worse (12-16) either doesn't know about it yet or they are raising an alien child.

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Hey, I never did anything really bad, so I must be an alien! Seriously though, my sister shoplifted from Hecht's once. They caught her and my mom was SO MAD, but she didn't really yell at my sister or anything. Hecht's banned her from the store, but they didn't press charges. And my sister is a nice person, and a productive member of society now!

I am also reminded of a time when I worked at Dollar General, this guy comes in with his teenage daughter and asks to speak to the manager. It turns out the girl had stolen a pair of sunglasses and broken them. The manager was a nice woman so she didn't press charges on the teenage girl in tears. I'm sure the girl got punishment enough from her father though.

Originally Posted by kluchetta

So last night I got a call from the mall that my daughter was caught SHOPLIFTING!!! This is beyond terrible. I totally feel like an awful parent and useless member of society. And she's my "good" kid...

She is, too - good grades, sweet, stood up to a bus full of people bullying someone last week. I just don't believe it!

I don't really need advice on her punishment and such, but is there any chance that she will go on and be a good person or is she spiraling downward into a pit of depravity?

(OK, that was a little overboard.) Oh, and she's 14, and one of the stores is pressing charges, which we fully support...

I feel horrible.

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:hug: hay cheer up she is 14 still time to show her that it was a stupid thing to do, but I think you are doing great. Maybe since store is pressing charges it will scare her stright. :ghug:

Originally Posted by GingersMom

NO YOU DIDN'T!!!

SHE screwed up, NOT you. Please don't absorb HER responsibility. At 14 years old, the girl knows right from wrong, and as a parent you can only lay the best foundation possible for your child to build and grow upon.

Please don't beat yourself up about this!

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Well said!! This is not your fault hun.

My cousin got caught shoplifting at around the same age. She had to do community service plus my aunt paid a fine.

It was just a faze she was going through really I think. The cousin of a friend of heir's got them into it. I think she got a little rush from doing it. She got over it quick after being caught! I don't think it's had any impact on her now that we are adults.

Originally Posted by MoochNNoodles

My cousin got caught shoplifting at around the same age. She had to do community service plus my aunt paid a fine.

It was just a fase she was going through really I think. The cousin of a friend of her's got them into it. I think she got a little rush from doing it. She got over it quick after being caught! I don't think it's had any impact on her now that we are adults.

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I'm sure it's not nearly as much fun as she thought it was going to be.

I also helped myself to a few things when I was younger. Charges were never set against me but I did get caught by a worker in the store. She just took back what I helped myself too and that was the end of it, my girlfriend was with me and had a couple of things that she took too. I have grown up to be a decent person so don't think this will make your daughter a klepto as she gets older. She will be fine with your dicipline and support.

Originally Posted by kluchetta

I'm sure it's not nearly as much fun as she thought it was going to be.

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My cousin was mortified. She had been doing it for a few months when she got caught. The store security approached her just as she walked up to my Aunt and our Grandmother. I think she was more afraid of my Grandmother's reaction. Rightly so....though my Aunt is not one be caught doing something like that by either!

When I was a kid, I shoplifted some marbles.
I got caught.
My Mother escorted me back to the store, made me confess, return the marbles and apologize.
I was really embarrassed.
Never did anything like that again.

It hurts when our children make self destructive decisions.
Be there for your daughter but make sure she understands there are consequences to her behavior and shoplifting will not be tolerated.

The world is so much more complicated than when I was a child.
I wish you both well.

When I was 13 I shoplifted some pens from a stationary store and the store called the police and my mom. Needless to say, I was a very good kid and so scared by that that I never did it again. I did not turn into a delinquent or end up in jail etc etc so I would not worry... lots of good kids screw up here and there in life. Its just part of the experience process.

You are not a bad parent just a parent with a teenager. I doubted myself all though my kid's teen years. This one incident does not mean that she is going downhill, just continue to make her pay the consequences for bad behavior. The teen years are rough for all parents.

Kim, no matter what you do as a parent, kids are going to push the envelope -- it's part of being a kid. Sometimes, they push too hard and get themselves in hot water. That doesn't mean that they are bad or headed to a life of crime -- only that they made a mistake. Good judgement takes a while to develop. As long as she learns from this experience, she'll be fine, and it's clear that if you have anything to do with it, she will learn. Be gentle with yourself, please.

Wow Kim, I almost never post anymore but wanted to say that from the sound of things you are a wonderful mother. It seems as though you are doing everything right. She's young, we were all dumb then. I was a straight A student and worked full time and I *abashedly* admit to stealing in my teens. It was clothes and makeup as well. I didn't do it for the rush, I didn't do it to be bad, I did it because I didn't think that I was hurting anybody and I was selfish and had no one to point out my stupidity. Thankfully I grew out of it, but I probably wouldn't have if I hadn't of been caught and shown that what I was doing was a crime and was wrong. I was very young and thankfully the tough punishment is exactly what I needed. So keep up the good work girl, I'm sure it's much harder on you than it is her.

*You're in my thoughts*

I just wanted to offer you a hug.

She needs to know how much this has disappointed you, for sure. And it sounds like you're handling this appropriately, and to the best of your ability.

Originally Posted by kluchetta

So last night I got a call from the mall that my daughter was caught SHOPLIFTING!!! This is beyond terrible. I totally feel like an awful parent and useless member of society. And she's my "good" kid...

She is, too - good grades, sweet, stood up to a bus full of people bullying someone last week. I just don't believe it!

I don't really need advice on her punishment and such, but is there any chance that she will go on and be a good person or is she spiraling downward into a pit of depravity?

(OK, that was a little overboard.) Oh, and she's 14, and one of the stores is pressing charges, which we fully support...

I feel horrible.

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I wont try to give any advice as i am not a parent. Sometimes kids who are the best at everything and come from a great home wonder what it is like to do something that's not so perfect to maybe fit in? maybe she's made some new friends? Do you know what the kids at her school are like? Who knows

After reading all these confessions, it occurs to me that confession may really be "good for the soul"... so here's mine:

Fort Sill, Oklahoma, 1963. I'm seven years old, and I have a Barbie doll (dark ponytail type) with the classic black-and-white-striped swimsuit and one dress: the purple Guinevere gown. It bothers me a little that my Barbie doesn't have any shoes to wear with that gown, and I actually try drawing some on with a ballpoint pen! Not very effective.

So one day, I go with my mom into the S&H Green Stamp store -- remember those? Where you could "buy" things with your books full of stamps you got when you bought groceries? So I'm wandering around the store and there's a Barbie on display... and she has shoes! Lovely little black plastic spike heels.

I go ask my mom if the shoes can be bought separately, because it doesn't even occur to me to consider asking for a whole 'nother Barbie. I did know a girl who had multiple Barbies, but to me, that seemed extravagant.

Anyway, Mom says no, the shoes only come with the doll.

So. We go back to the S&H store two or three more times, and each time, those shoes call out to me. Finally one day, when I go to look at them, one shoe has fallen off and is lying on the shelf. I reach up to put it back on... and then it hits me for the first time that I can have these shoes.

It's just a display doll, I tell myself -- no little girl is going to be sad because her doll doesn't have any shoes. In fact, it will be a nice surprise for other girls when they open the box and find these unexpected shoes that came with the doll! (I was only seven, but I was already a great rationalizer.)

So I took the shoes. And then when I got home and put them on my Barbie, I realized two things:

1. I could never, never, never let anyone see my Barbie wearing these stolen shoes.

2. Black spike heels are both culturally and aesthetically incorrect with the purple Guinevere gown.

So now what do I do? Well, if the shoes aren't going to do me any good, I ought not to keep them from benefitting someone else! So the next time we go to the S&H store, I carry the shoes clutched in my hot little hand, and I march straight down the aisle to the display Barbie to give her her shoes back...

...Only to find that she is now wearing orange ones!

This completely disorients me. If the shoes go with the doll, then where did this extra pair come from? And why are they orange? And what on earth do I do with the ones I brought back?

While I was pondering this, my mother came looking for me. She saw the black shoes in my hand and thought I was trying again to buy them separately from the doll. She reiterated that this was not possible, "So put those down and let's go."

I wanted to say, But Mom, look, she has two pairs of shoes! How is that possible, if the shoes only come with the doll? But I kept my mouth shut, put the black shoes on the shelf, and followed Mom to the car.

I did some heavy thinking that evening, trying to process this confounding development. It all weighed on my mind for many years... still does, I guess. I think it was the private moral torment I went through with that episode that kept me from ever, ever, ever stealing again. I'd felt real guilt, real worry that I might be doing someone harm, and I hated it.

That's the realization I hope your daughter has reached. Because it's not just about punishment and consequences... it's about recognizing and internalizing the meaning of right and wrong, and caring about the difference for its own sake, on principle -- so you'll do what's right even when nobody's looking.

You sound like such a great mom. I know you'll handle this right. Don't worry!