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i need serious advice...help!!!

post #1 of 20
Thread Starter 
here's the situation. my husband and i have been together 11 years this november. his male cousin and my female cousin are married also for 8 years. following me? well she has been unhappy and out of love for some time now. she has also wanted to leave for sometime now. well, she did yesterday. her and their two kids. what gave her the courage to leave is 1 week ago she met a man. their eyes met from across the room and they already claim to love each eachother. i do believe in true love and whats ment to be will be. and her and her husband were never ment to be. she seems to really be in love. there is something in her i have never seen befor. heres the problem her husband does not know about the other man. and either does my husband. if i told my husband he would want to tell her husband. got me? so i have covered for her and lied to my husband and hers. and i hate it! she swears he would hurt her or tear up her stuff in the house. with good reason! i don't like lying period. it is eating me up inside. my husband and i went to see her husband last night and it killed me. i did let him know he does not need her and he deserves better. he is a good husband. i am in too deep! her husband is not going to forgive me for not telling him when this all comes out. and if i tell she won't forgive me. what in the world do i do??? i got 3 hours sleep last night because of this! the truth always comes out. help!!!!!
post #2 of 20
You have to do what you feel best for you. She has put you in a position to have to lie to your own spouse and that may cause some difficulties within your own relationship. I hate to say it, but you have to look out for yourself first and foremost. Tell her that you can't be expected to lie to your own husband. Tell him what you know, but also tell him why she has been secretive. He may keep quiet to his cousin. If they ask you to take sides just say that you love the both of them and you want them to be happy. Honesty is the best policy.
post #3 of 20
I personally dont get involved in ANYONES love/personal problems.

You are a third party..... the two of them need to work it out.

No matter how close you are to them. It is none of your business and it is not fair for the wife to involve you....

(just my opinion)

Good Luck!:tounge2:
post #4 of 20
Thread Starter 
i told her i don't want to be involved anymore. but i already know what i know. oh i wish i didn't know. i know my husband would tell because i am on the verge. it's taking everything in me not to. and he has never been violent towards her in anyway.
post #5 of 20
It is very unfair for you to be put in this position, and nothing good can come of it for you. Even thought he may be mad at you for a little while, you should come clean to your husband. I doesn't sound like you meant to decieve him, you just got caught up in someone's else's problems. If her husband is a good man like you say, I doubt that he would physically harm her. If he gets angry and tears up a few things in the house, that is the price you sometimes pay for getting what you want. It's just stuff. You should not have to jeopordize your relationship or your peace of mind. While it is nice that she may have found someone she can truly love, if she did not love her husband, she should have ended one relationship before she began another. She should have NEVER involved anyone else in her deception. I know all this is easier said than done, and either way, you will feel like you have let someone down. Please don't let that person be you or you husband. You haven't done anything that can't be fixed at this point. Whatever she does is her problem. Her husband will probably forgive you in time. You were only trying to spare him some pain of being decieved. You should tell her that you can no longer cover for her, and the truth should come out sooner than later, so all of you can get on with your lives. Good Luck with this, I am sure all of us are praying that this works out for you.
post #6 of 20
Life can be rough sometimes .... having been through a marriage bust-up myself I can tell you that it is one of the most horrible things a people can go through short of a death in the family. Even then it is almost on the same level.

As unpalatable as it may be truth is the best policy (in my view). I agree with others on this thread that you have been bought into something which you shouldn't. This poor woman will have to take charge of her own life, particularly as the actions are of her own doing ..... like Newton's First Law, for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. I feel that you can be there to comfort etc, but it's unfair for you to have to come into the line of fire.

These are my thoughts based on my experience over the past four years. Things tend to get better with time too, not that anyone can see that now. The dust eventually settles (in my case it has taken 4 years and sometimes still flares up!)

Good luck and cheers
post #7 of 20
Thread Starter 
thanks guys. i know what everyone is saying is right. we are all very close to eachother. she is my best freind. and she is very worried about me telling. she knows how honest i usually am. i usually cave under pressure too. it hurts to look in to her husbands eyes. my husband knows i know more than i'm saying. and he's not sure he wants to know. she has not slept with the other man, but any contact is cheating. which i feel is wrong. ya'll know how i have the hots for the Rock!!!! i could fantisize about him all day. but if the rock said tara you want to get it on?, i would not. you reap what you sow. and i personally fear god. AND she claims to be a christian. this is why some people don't go to church. all the hypocrytes. (spelling is wrong) how do people sleep at night!!! i don't have much family. my cousin, my grandmother and mother are it. and my husband has has only a few cousins. i appreciate the advice. keep it coming!
post #8 of 20
Honesty is the best policy. Come clean to your husband at least, and talk to her about coming clean to hers.

Its not fair of her to put you in this situation. Very poor judgement.
post #9 of 20
This is a really tough position to be in. I would let your cousin know that you won't keep her secret any more because you don't want it to ruin your marriage, which has a vow of truth and trust in it. If nothing else, give her a time frame (like a day or two) so if she's that worried about her stuff she can get it out. But like KrazyKat said, it is just stuff, and stuff can always be replaced.

Sometimes feelings come when we least expect them or want them. I'm sure she didn't plan to fall in love, and while it is easy to say that she should have ended one before starting another, that's sometimes easier said than done. It sounds like she is ending one before getting in really deep in the other. The fact that she hasn't slept with the new guy says to me that she is trying to do the right thing morally, while still staying true to herself. It's not a good situation, and she really stands to lose no matter what she does.
post #10 of 20
I so sorry that you were put in this position and I am sure she did not do it on purpose but it would also eat me up alive. So here is my 2 cents worth. I would tell her that you will not lie for her - you won't volunteer information but when asked you won't lie either. If she is a true friend she will understand. Life is hard and I do wish her a happy new life!
post #11 of 20
It takes courage to live your convictions. Tell your friend you refuse to lie, under any circumstance. And tell her you will tell the truth if asked about the situation. She had no right to put you in this situation. This isn't make believe, or two teenagers mooning over the cute kid in school. This is marriage; this is real life. If she wants to leave her husband for "love at first sight," tell her you refuse to be a part of it. You know as well as I that your religion is not reserved for Sunday; it's something you live daily, and it takes courage. She is going to be angry. I wish I could reassure you, but she put you in a bad position, not an impossible one.
post #12 of 20
I think you should atleast let your husband know ........ What your friend did was wrong, and let her know you intend to tell your hubby; hopefully if she is a true friend, she will understand where you are coming from.
post #13 of 20
Thread Starter 
i will try to sum this up as short as i can. i told my husband. and we in turn talked to her husband. yes at first he was really really mad, then sad and is currently sad. just wants his family back. witch is normal. my husband was not mad at me. and glad i told. she was not giving him the complete truth at first, but she has told most. she just wants out. i sat down willing to jepardize my relationship with my cousin for her husband. i did not run and tell, no he asked me earlier on the phone if she was cheating and it killed me to tell him.
all this has happened in the past 10 hours. the poor man was at work. he said tara is amber cheating on me? and i sat there...silent. tara is she?i said i don't want to do this.he said tara will you swear on a bible amber is not cheating on me. i said no. the sound of his voice on the phone today broke my heart. so after he got home from work, we went to visit him. and i told him everything i knew. i have to be able to sleep at night. i can't handle lies. i hate to lie! you tell one and then you have to tell another one to cover up the first one. i'm getting ready to be 27 and every year i learn more and more. you do get wiser with age. i can only imagine his pain, but i know this will get better. and amber, the wife? well she was only a little mad but started to tell me more information i did not want to know. i stopped her and told her please do not tell me anything else about it. she said she respects my honesty, but who knows. this has made me want to hold my husband just a little bit tighter. i mean as being thankful to have a good marriage. i'm glad it's out and thanks everyone for the advice.
post #14 of 20
Thread Starter 
Jeanie G. i wanted to tell you you are right about what you said. and it does take a lot of courage to live it daily and stand up to others. and sometimes you loose freinds along the way. but that's okay. i don't have to answer to freinds.
so thank you!!! my whole family (what little i have) claim to be christians but were all telling me to keep quiet and lie. my husband is great strength to me when it comes to religion. he's the only one. so i really appreciate your advice.
post #15 of 20
I don't deserve to be thanked, Cozy! In re-reading my post I believe I was harsh. I'm sorry about that. Recently in my private life I have run across some "holier than thou" people who were cheating their employers on their time sheets, and thought nothing of it. I'm just discouraged. I'm so glad the whole thing is out in the open. You were put in a bad position. It's difficult to do the right thing, much easier to "go along to get along." I'm glad you had the courage of your convictions. My heart goes out to all of you, especially the husband.
post #16 of 20
I am glad that you have had this weight lifted off your chest. You know in your heart that you did the right thing and that is what counts!
post #17 of 20
Thread Starter 
Jeanie G. You told me what i needed to hear and what really i already knew. no you were not harsh!

thanks all!!!!!!
post #18 of 20
I was glad to hear that things are finally out in the open, and you no longer have to be in that position. I wish everyone involved the best.
post #19 of 20
I'm joining this thread kind of late, but I just wanted to say I think you handled it beautifully. You were put in a really difficult position in the middle of people you love - by people you love. And in the end, you made the right decision to follow your heart. And not only that, because you care about your husband's cousin, you found a way to be there for him too.

And now you and hubby hug each other a little tighter! Your hubby's cousin is in pain, and there's a tough road to hoe ahead, but your heart is there to help everyone heal.

post #20 of 20
I just now read this thread, and I'm sorry I didn't see it earlier, but you got some excellent advice here, and it sounds like you made the right decision! It feels so much better to not have to hide anything from the people you love!! I'm glad you told the truth!!!
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