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Would you be mad?

post #1 of 19
Thread Starter 
A friend of my boyfriend called to see if he could borrow something. Bf says sure, I have that, but we're just about to sit down to dinner. Friend says that he is downstairs outside our building in his car, so bf will run down what he wants. Like, the guy drives here, then calls to ask. This happens probably once a week, which is way down from the once a day that was the norm before I put my foot down about it.

But this drives me crazy It's like, bf's time isn't his own, because people feel it's okay to just show up and assume he'll run down to pick something up that they've brought back or give something out (all computer and xbox related junk), or that they can just drop by. And they CAN, because he never wants to rock the boat.

BF is not annoyed at all by it. Am I crazy?
post #2 of 19
I would be anoyed and let the BF know it, next time the guy calls tell him that he'll go down after you finnish eating. Make this guy wait on you for once. Might teach him a lesson
post #3 of 19
Or next time, tell him no he can't borrow it and he will realize he made a trip for nothing. Then maybe he will call before coming over when a more reasonable time can be arranged for the pick up.
post #4 of 19
I agree. It's very inconsiderate and rude to arrive and call after you are already there. The fact that it is on a weekly basis is annoying in itself. I would be as upset as you are.
post #5 of 19
You ALWAYS call before you come over being mad is normal, boyfriends don't seem to see things the way we do
post #6 of 19
I'd be upset. But people learn what they can get away with, and obviously this person (or persons) has learned that BF will drop everything. Perhaps what needs to happen is that when you're about to sit down to a meal, or in the middle of one, you simply don't answer the phone. Let the answering machine get it. That's what they're for. Maybe after having to leave a message a few times, this person will wake up to the fact that he's not the only thing in your lives, and have a little more consideration.

BF also needs to understand, though, that there's more at stake than him toddling downstairs. If he's alone and has prepared a meal for himself, then he gets to decide whether letting it get cold is an issue. As soon as there is another person in the dinner equation, and especially if that other person has prepared the meal, walking out on the meal for anything other than an emergency is disrespectful -- even if it's only for five minutes.
post #7 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by rapunzel47 View Post
I'd be upset. But people learn what they can get away with, and obviously this person (or persons) has learned that BF will drop everything. Perhaps what needs to happen is that when you're about to sit down to a meal, or in the middle of one, you simply don't answer the phone. Let the answering machine get it. That's what they're for. Maybe after having to leave a message a few times, this person will wake up to the fact that he's not the only thing in your lives, and have a little more consideration.

BF also needs to understand, though, that there's more at stake than him toddling downstairs. If he's alone and has prepared a meal for himself, then he gets to decide whether letting it get cold is an issue. As soon as there is another person in the dinner equation, and especially if that other person has prepared the meal, walking out on the meal for anything other than an emergency is disrespectful -- even if it's only for five minutes.
This is all good advice. Dinner time is sacred, especially if you have kids. Interuptions have to wait.
post #8 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by rapunzel47 View Post
I'd be upset. But people learn what they can get away with, and obviously this person (or persons) has learned that BF will drop everything. Perhaps what needs to happen is that when you're about to sit down to a meal, or in the middle of one, you simply don't answer the phone. Let the answering machine get it. That's what they're for. Maybe after having to leave a message a few times, this person will wake up to the fact that he's not the only thing in your lives, and have a little more consideration.

BF also needs to understand, though, that there's more at stake than him toddling downstairs. If he's alone and has prepared a meal for himself, then he gets to decide whether letting it get cold is an issue. As soon as there is another person in the dinner equation, and especially if that other person has prepared the meal, walking out on the meal for anything other than an emergency is disrespectful -- even if it's only for five minutes.
I think that was very well put, and I completely agree!
post #9 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dragoriana View Post
You ALWAYS call before you come over being mad is normal, boyfriends don't seem to see things the way we do
What is wrong with people these days, u need to call before they come over not when they are out front people these days !

Quote:
Originally Posted by rapunzel47 View Post
I'd be upset. But people learn what they can get away with, and obviously this person (or persons) has learned that BF will drop everything. Perhaps what needs to happen is that when you're about to sit down to a meal, or in the middle of one, you simply don't answer the phone. Let the answering machine get it. That's what they're for. Maybe after having to leave a message a few times, this person will wake up to the fact that he's not the only thing in your lives, and have a little more consideration.

BF also needs to understand, though, that there's more at stake than him toddling downstairs. If he's alone and has prepared a meal for himself, then he gets to decide whether letting it get cold is an issue. As soon as there is another person in the dinner equation, and especially if that other person has prepared the meal, walking out on the meal for anything other than an emergency is disrespectful -- even if it's only for five minutes.
I agree with that !
post #10 of 19
I suppose I'm the odd one out here. I wouldn't be irritated. But then again I rarely have visitors so if it was an everday event I guess it could get irritating. I guess if hubby was ok w/ it I would be to. He'd be the one running anyway.
post #11 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by SalemWitchChild View Post
I suppose I'm the odd one out here. I wouldn't be irritated. But then again I rarely have visitors so if it was an everday event I guess it could get irritating. I guess if hubby was ok w/ it I would be to. He'd be the one running anyway.
that is true...but i think i would still get annoyed if it was going on for so long you no
post #12 of 19
I would be irritated. I would also tell the friends myself that its unacceptable to just drop by. They need to call first.
post #13 of 19
Thread Starter 
I can't tell the friends that, cuz then I'm the b----y girlfriend. It's HIS job to tell them that and he has made progress. It used to be that he'd drop everything, anytime....like, middle of dinner, we're watching a movie, anything. Now, he'll tell them "no, I need an hour" or whatever, and most people are good about that, but some, like this one guy who I can't stand, just make a reason why they need it NOW. Like, "I'm leaving for the night and I really need that software/game/fighting ppv before I go" or the ever classic "I'm already downstairs". My boyfriend is a HUGE people pleaser, so he feels the need to just run it down in that case. I feel that they should be told no, because he's reinforcing that their behaviour is okay. I mean, why not just put out a sign that says "our needs are not important, we'll drop anything for YOU". He doesn't want to rock the boat because then his friends won't come to him for this type of stuff anymore and he likes being the go-to guy (again, people pleasing issue here), it makes him feel useful and special. I think he's just being USED. I don't know, it's an issue we've been working on and as I've said it's better......arrrg, I'll have to tell him that it makes me really mad. But why does it not make him mad?
post #14 of 19
Maybe he was just in the area and figured he'd ask while he was there. It probably only takes a few seconds to bring something down to him. If your bf doesn't mind why make trouble with a good friend of his over nothing?
post #15 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by ClaireBear View Post
Maybe he was just in the area and figured he'd ask while he was there. It probably only takes a few seconds to bring something down to him. If your bf doesn't mind why make trouble with a good friend of his over nothing?

Yeah I agree with Claire. May I make an observation here? I think the issue is with you and the BF. He doesn't mind pleasing others while you do. It's a difference in personality only. I wouldn't push the issue either. All you'll succeed in doing is creating animosity between BF and his friends.
post #16 of 19
This is almost me.
I am that type of guy. My friends, neighbors and fellow cat lovers always ask for my assistance on the spurr of the moment and i always help. especially with a cat. but anyway my time is almost never my own. This is a daily event for me, on top of me being a customer service manager at work.
I am always helping move, fix someones computers etc. I fell very empathetic towards people who have needs, especially people that love animals.
it drives my wife NUTS at times, but that is the very aspect of my nature she fell in love with and married.

My compromise is i never let anyone take my time from my family (again unless there is a cat emergency) diner, wed night game nights, etc time that is always set aside from the rest. I still have people tell me they need me, but i will stick to my guns and say "no im eating diner with my family" ill help you when im done. etc.... someone mentioned using the answering machine, this is a great idea. let it ring or turn it off. Turn off the cell phone or leave it behind.

From your senario, i would definately say something to your BF if he isnt at least recognizing that his commitment to you and what could be a future family is important and needs to be nurtured. But then again this is only one night of the week you mention.
I am sure he will work to reach a compromise for you. However, you must realize a man that gives of himself this way to everyone can and will very easily misunderstand your frustration and see your actions as a type of minipulation or control if you are not careful.
post #17 of 19
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by ClaireBear View Post
Maybe he was just in the area and figured he'd ask while he was there. It probably only takes a few seconds to bring something down to him. If your bf doesn't mind why make trouble with a good friend of his over nothing?
If this was the first time it had happened, I'd totally agree. But this guy does this at least a couple times a month. He also called the other night at just before midnight for a game (which I didn't even know the location of) while BF was out. I told him he'd have to come back another time. He was like "I'm downstairs in my car, I'll just come up and you can help me find it." I'm like, "no, not happening". I don't let guys into the apartment when I'm alone, especially guys like him. He's one of those guys who spends every night at clubs picking up girls then tells stories about the things they let him do. He also prided himself on dating a 18 year old (He's almost 26). Also, when we first moved in together, he owed BF $50 and we were fighting to make rent. He wouldn't pay it back but was at the bar running a tab of $200 every night (he lives with mommy and daddy and doesn't need a job because they just give him cash and a credit card). IMO he's NOT my bf's friend, bf just doesn't realize it. I don't trust the guy, that's the point.

It's the fact that he expects us to do whatever he needs, no worry about our plans. and it happens a lot. I'm not kidding when I say he used to call at least once a day, sometimes 4 or more times. He'd call to see if he could come over to hang out and if my bf said no, he'd call back an hour later and ask again. Eventually, he'd call from downstairs to "see if you changed your mind". It's really annoying.
post #18 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by Leli View Post
I can't tell the friends that, cuz then I'm the b----y girlfriend.
I disagree. It makes them know that you don't like it.
post #19 of 19
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by SalemWitchChild View Post
Yeah I agree with Claire. May I make an observation here? I think the issue is with you and the BF. He doesn't mind pleasing others while you do. It's a difference in personality only. I wouldn't push the issue either. All you'll succeed in doing is creating animosity between BF and his friends.
I should clarify. I don't have a problem with BF helping people almost any of the time. When we're sitting at the table with dinner in front of us, I think that he should eat before he leaves to drop something off. It's not an emergency, it's a video game. It can wait 15 to 20 minutes.
Also, I don't have this problem with everyone. There are a few of his friends from out of town or who don't have cars who do drop by because they are in the area and that's fine (although most of these people do call first, amazing!). This specific guy, though, has a car, lives a few blocks away and does this on purpose because he knows bf won't say no. It's this one guy that really bothers me, not the overall help that BF is giving out. I'm fine with that.
Yeah, it's totally an issue between us. It's been for a while and it's better now than it was. He always felt that he had to please others and would drop anything for someone....except me. I was always the one being dropped. We had to really hash it out the day he borrowed my car to go see a friend who wanted something and left me without a ride to work. He figured he could just pick me up 2 minutes before I had to be there and that would be fine. So, we've worked on it and we've compromised. I don't mind him dropping our plans to help someone else in most cases. But if the need for help isn't urgent and we're eating dinner or driving to my parents house, I don't think it's okay for him to leave or turn the car around to bring someone a copy of a fighting ppv.

Maybe I'm unreasonable, but I can't always be the one getting dropped. I don't think I've set too high of standards here, because pretty much any other time I'm fine with him leaving or someone dropping by and believe me that happens multiple times a day.
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