So..how worried, honestly, do you think I should be about an ex..

catsarebetter

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This is totally not cat-related, but.. I thought I'd get some opinions here.

I dated a younger guy a whlie back.. we saw each other maybe five or six times. On the last evening we were hanging out.. he told me about how horrible of a day he'd had, and had a long conversation about his ex, who had just told him that day that she was pregnant. Anyway, the long and the short of it was, he said he wasn't going to get back together with her, but I decided I wasn't getting any more involved with the entire drama and basically just called it quits.

So, the next time I went into the local dance place that he'd been working at (where I met him..even), he "ducked out the back door", one assumes to avoid seeing me. He did this a couple of times.. I mean, not that I really cared, except that I couldn't really understand why he was doing it because as far as I was concerned, there were no hard feelings, it was just over. I'd never called him after that, and he'd never called me.. as far as I was concerned it was amicable.

One night a little later, I was out with a male friend of mine, and I guess he figured it was "safe" (safe from what, who knows?). So he came out, and he says "hi, how's it going" like I'd never seen him avoiding me or anything. SoI said, it's going well, thanks, and you? You don't feel the need to sneak out the back door this evening? And I just started laughing. He's like, I only did that once, and I just kept laughing. I was like, dude, I only find it funny because it so doesn't matter, and you went through such trouble to avoid me like I was going to do something to you. So he says, so we're cool? I'm like.. I really couldn't care less. I only saw you trying to be slick and found it amusing because I happened to be facing in that direction and saw you acting suspiciously..

Anyway, the night before Thanksgiving..my family arrived and we were up late. It was about 3 a.m. He shows up at my door, knocks on it, and we're all like who is at the door? So, I got elected to go answer it. I answer it (mind you, the 140 Great Dane is trying to bust through the door to get at whoever was on the other side). I see who it is, and with the dog acting crazy behind me.. I stepped outside. He's standing there with some friend of his. He says, this is so and so. I said, hi.. looked at him and said what the heck are you thinking showing up at my door at 3 a.m. the night before Thanksgiving?? I bopped him (gently) on the head and said you know better. What on earth were you thinking? So, he apologizes, and they leave.


About a month later, earlier in the evening, I was out on my deck smoking the last cigarette before I went to bed, about 10 p.m. I hear this "pssst". Here he is, to the side of the deck in the community lawn, and he's like what are you doing? I said, going to bed, duh.. I work in the morning. He gives me some sob story about how he and the pregnant ex-girlfriend/girlfriend got into a fight. I'm like.. sorry dude, I'm going to bed. I really don't know why you came here. So he leaves.

So, since then, the dog has gone to a new home for various and sundry reasons I won't get into on this post..

Last night, he shows up at 3 a.m. I'd gone to bed at like 11:00. My nephew, his friend, his girlfriend and her baby are all here (and crashing in the living room for lack of other better space for them). The girlfriend hears someone knocking at the door, so they wake my nephew up and tell him go answer the door. He said.. I'm not answering the door at this hour. She says.. go answer the door, we don't know anyone. About this time, he's still saying no.. and the front door opens and the ex-boyfriend walks in, closes the door, stands there for a second, and then leaves. My nephew pops up out of bed.. runs to the door and is like, "what exactly can I help you with??" Ex says..oh, I came to see Heather. My nephew says.. Dude, I don't think so, she's asleep. Ex says, "No no, she called me earlier, and told me to come by." My nephew says, "I don't think so." Ex says, "no, she did. She told me to come by." Nephew repeats, Dude, I don't think so. So ex leaves.

They tell me about the entire chain of events this morning. I was furious. I went looking for my cell, because the only number I have for him is on my cell. I tried to call it, and apparently it's been disconnected. So, I went to work..and while I'm there, I'm thinking.. wouldn't any normal person be afraid to walk into a house where the last *they* knew of was there was 140 pound vicious Great Dane...? So, this leads me to thinking, is he just that stupid, or ...does he know the dog is gone. If he knows the dog is gone, how does he know that?

Then it makes me think, what was he doing around the side of my house instead of knocking at the door, that one evening? Now, don't get me wrong, I'm furious and I'm definitely not scared. As soon as I have the time I'm going to go to his job and tell him, "Look don't show up at my house again. And if I find you in the vicinity of my townhouse, or if you come knocking on my door again, there will be consequences, but as of now, we have no problems, and I'm not looking to cause you any. Just don't consider yourself welcome at my home. We can be perfectly amicable when we run into one another."

My sister has thought she's heard our front door open and close.. and we've chalked it up to being the neighbors. She'd heard our door open one night, and she happened to be downstairs in the living room with the lights out...and she called out, and the door just quickly closed again. She assumed it was someone who came to the door for the neighbors and simply got the wrong house. We've just never thought anything of it.. because there have been times when I've thought I heard something, gone looking around the house..and there's been all the doors locked and nothing there, but I'd sworn I'd heard something. This townhouse just makes funny noises. So, anyway.. now I'm wondering how many times he's come by here and just let himself in the front door ..

I really think he's just young, and probably out drinking or something..not really sure what his motive is when he swings by here. Again, though, I probably ought to be more nervous about it all than I am. Mostly, I'm just PO'd about the whole thing. One of my male friends is all up in arms. But my coworker said.. you know, you might want to be a little careful because you *might* wake up one night to find him standing in your bedroom.

Any one have any thoughts on this? Sorry for the long post, but..
 

kittenkatbar

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Urgh. I probably have no right to be talking about any of this, considering I'm only 13 and haven't even started dating yet... but....

This guy has a problem. You need to find him and tell him to STOP coming to your house, or you'll call the police. And you should keep your door locked more often..... unless you do. In that case, how does he get in? o.o

You could always get another dog.....
 

pekoe & nigel

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Well honestly if I were you I'd be more than a bit freaked out. Anyone just walking into my place unannounced and uninvited is a big no to me. But then I'm a bit funny like that.

What sort of feeling do you get from him? Do you feel like he's a bit creepy/strange/etc? I think that if you don't feel threatened by him that's a good thing, but still, sometimes it's hard to fully judge a person. I think it's a great idea to tell him to stop "dropping by" and I would strongly recommend locking your doors so he can't pay any more unexpected visits.

I'm sorry I can't give you any better, concrete advice. I just hope he stops it, right now!
 
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catsarebetter

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Well, we live in a really good area, with a really low rate of crime. When we had the dog, pretty much anyone would have had to be stupid to walk in here. The dog would have ripped them to shreds.

Our locks.. our keys have never worked right since we moved in and honestly.. the landlady (who is pretty awesome otherwise) was supposed to get us a new copy. So, at that point, there was *alway* someone home, because I was working from home, my sister was on night shift, and my nephew was working days, so there was always someone in the house and awake at all hours of the day. She forgot to get us new ones. Well, then we had the dog, and even though the house was being left sometimes, the dog was here. The door handle lock doesn't really catch right.. and sometimes it actually locks us out (because our keys don't work right), anyway.. the long and the short of it is, in theory the locks should have been changed by now several times with any number of handymen who have been out here for various reasons. It's always on the list, it doesnt' get done, they're supposed to come back and do it, and ..that doesn't happen. We weren't really worried about it though, because we had the dog. The dog has only been gone for about two months. This is the first time we've actually considered that it might actually be a problem.. but the handymen who are supposed to be coming out to fix it just haven't been out, and scheduled and rescheduled and you know, now it's two months without the dog, and the locks still aren't fixed.

I think I'm going to have my friend come over and put a new lock on it sometime this week instead of waiting for the landlady/handmen. In her defense, she's been trying to get them out here, and they're just not getting their butts in gear.
 
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catsarebetter

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Originally Posted by Pekoe & Nigel

Well honestly if I were you I'd be more than a bit freaked out. Anyone just walking into my place unannounced and uninvited is a big no to me. But then I'm a bit funny like that.

What sort of feeling do you get from him? Do you feel like he's a bit creepy/strange/etc? I think that if you don't feel threatened by him that's a good thing, but still, sometimes it's hard to fully judge a person. I think it's a great idea to tell him to stop "dropping by" and I would strongly recommend locking your doors so he can't pay any more unexpected visits.

I'm sorry I can't give you any better, concrete advice. I just hope he stops it, right now!
I don't really feel like he's ... threatening, but the whole sneaking out the back door thing, and now the walking in my house thing, and the being beside my house.. those are sort of "sneaky" behavior.. I don't feel like my life is in danger but I really don't want my house stalked either. I don't know that he's really stalking, but I have to wonder either how stupid is he that he's not worried about the dog (they never did make friendly and he was a bit afraid of her).. because in theory, he doesn't know she's gone.

I mean, I don't really feel like there's any real chance of being murdered in my bed or anything, but.. I have to wonder how far he's going to take this. I really attribute it, at least in part, to him being intoxicated and acting stupidly, but, you know, I don't want to become a victim of some sort of crime because I'm not worried about it happening..
 

kiwideus

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Oh dear - he really sounds like a stalker. Sorry. Some people don't seem like stalkers but anyone can become a stalker, all it takes is a little bit of an obsession.

Definitely change the locks. I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. He makes me feel uncomfortable just reading this.

Keep yourself safe, please.
 

ericanicole

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It sounds like this guy is a user. rather or not he wants to be a real friend,he isnt acting like one, and you shouldnt let him get away with this behavior.

He is being very selfish and I think with this pregnant lady probably driving him insane he is looking to you for emotional support and a way to get away from it all.

there is nothing healthy about what he is doing. Its creepy and from what it sounds like he is immature in some ways.

You sound like a very put together women, dont let his problems weigh on you.
 
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catsarebetter

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Yes, I'm definitely doing that, but I wanted to get second opinions because.. you know.. I tend to be the vocal, opinionated person, usually the one that's just not intimdated by someone..I probably won't cut through a dark alley but you won't see me shy away from walking somewhere at night by myself. I don't hold back when something is on my mind.. and overall I can be a little aggressive.. so.. you know, what's non-threatening to me might very well be threatening and I just don't notice it because I'm a little jaded (worked in the bar industry for years). I feel no fear of bodily harm. It just doesn't occur to me until after the fact that I could get hurt, lol. That, of course, has its pros and cons, but.. regardless, I thought I'd toss this out to the more normal folk and see what you all thought because I know I'm not the most easily intimidated person and I thought I might be .. pish poshing it when I should be more concerned.
 

pekoe & nigel

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Originally Posted by CatsAreBetter

I don't really feel like he's ... threatening, but the whole sneaking out the back door thing, and now the walking in my house thing, and the being beside my house.. those are sort of "sneaky" behavior.
I would just be really uncomfortable about him being in my place if I wasn't there. I mean, how many times has he "dropped by" and no one has been home? Even if he's not doing anything other than walking in the door, it's still super-strange and just not right! And the fact that he's acting sneaky just suggests that he's trying to hide something. I don't know, I don't get a good feeling about this.

I would definitely get your friend to get the locks taken care of. Regardless of this situation, it's probably better to get that taken care of sooner rather than later. But as to what else you can actually DO... I feel going to the police might be taking things a bit far at this point (I mean he hasn't really done anything bad) but then if I were you I'd want to have someone with some authority knowing what's going on.

I hope someone comes along soon with some good ideas to help you out!!
 

lsulover

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Man that is really weird, I would definately get someone out to put new locks on the door, and I would definately get the door handle fixed too.

You need to be real careful with this guy, I would make sure that there was someone there with me. And I would probably consider getting me a gun too.

I am not trying to scare you or anything but you need to watch this guy.

And the next time he showed up like that I would tell him to leave immediately and I would tell him if he does it again you are gonna call the cops on him.

Please stay safe and keep us posted on what is happening.
 

trouts mom

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Originally Posted by LSULOVER

Man that is really weird, I would definately get someone out to put new locks on the door, and I would definately get the door handle fixed too.

You need to be real careful with this guy, I would make sure that there was someone there with me. And I would probably consider getting me a gun too.

And the next time he showed up like that I would tell him to leave immediately and I would tell him if he does it again you are gonna call the cops on him.

Please stay safe and keep us posted on what is happening.
Stay safe for sure
 

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We had a neighbor that took it upon himself to walk into our home sometimes. He was always drunk. One day we had just came home and we were in the kitchen putting away groceries. I had left Sierra in her playpen in the living room. I heard him yelling "hello" from my living room. I ran in there and told him to get out. Lance escorted him out and told him in not so friendly terms that there was a gun in the house and the next time he heard his voice in our house he'd shoot first and ask questions later. He never did it again.


If I were you I would be concerned. Tell him to leave and never come back. And if he does put a restraining order on him. He doesn't sound stable at all to me. Better safe than sorry.
 

sofiecusion

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Originally Posted by theimp98

time to file a police report, and maybe get a order for him to stay away.
I agree. Make the police aware of the situation. It doesn't hurt in case something happens again.
 

lsulover

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Originally Posted by sofiecusion

I agree. Make the police aware of the situation. It doesn't hurt in case something happens again.
Yeah, it is better to be safe than sorry.
 

fred&nermal

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Get your locks put in. If handymen won't do it, either look in the phone book for another locksmith or visit your local hardware store and ask if they know someone. Tell your landlord the price and hopefully she'll go for it. Tell her that you have a stalker, so it is very necessary.

I'm not a gun person, and therefore wouldn't advise that. Guns seem to cause more trouble than not. You always hear of people shooting each other by accident or causing injuries, etc. I don't agree with them, but that's my opinion.

Hopefully, this is a case of a guy who has developed a big crush on you, possibly because you rejected him (guys sometimes fall for the women they can't have).
The fact that he shows up late, makes me think he has been drinking and has lost his sense of good judgement.
If you do talk with him, ask him why he doesn't call much earlier to ask you if he can drop by (like a normal person). Good grief.

I've had a few guys like this in my past. It's always the ones I dated briefly, then it's me who ends it or agrees to end it with no fuss. Months later they get it in their head that maybe you were the one for them or some other nonsense. The rejection or lack of interest (on your part) fuels their fire, so to speak.

Get those locks installed!
 
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catsarebetter

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Well, I went around and made sure all the locks were engaged. I put the deadbolt on in the front door. I messed around with the lock and our keys that don't work right and managed to get the deadbolt key to work although it did take some fiddling. Believe it or not, I'm actually more worried about my cats, and.. warning or not he lets one of my babies out the door and I will hunt his a** down and hurt him (see there I go with the non-intimidated behavior again, lol)... I'd hurt someone over my four-footers.

Anyway, since I managed to get the deadbolt to work, I'll lock it when we go to work tomorrow, although honestly, I think it's something he thinks is a good idea after he's been out drinking and have never seen him "stop by" during the day. Our neighbors are pretty good about keeping an eye out on things so likely if he were doing it on a regular basis in the daytime I'd hear about it, but..anyway.. I will be locking that door in the daytime. And I'm going to get the locks on the door changed. We can spend the $40 it costs for decent locks and probably get my friend to put them in, or I'm sure I can figure it out if need be. It ought to be fun locking up the four-footed fiends while that door is open, lol.

Just so you all don't worry though.. the doors are all checked, they're all locked.. and we'll be safe and sound in the bed (windows are all locked too, so no worries).

I am going to go confront him about it, with a witness (in case anything ever comes of it) and tell him .. you know, don't do that, and consider yourself uninvited to our house. I don't want problems, and I don't want to make this into any kind of war, but I am telling you that it is unacceptable behavior that I won't tolerate. At this point, I don't want any issues, but if this continues after our conversation, I will move further forward on stopping it. Otherwise, we can be amicable. It ends here.

I'm going to go talk to him when he's sober, and has not been drinking so that it sinks into his head. There's no point in telling him while he's intoxicated, but I also don't want to be irate about it because I don't want to start the stupid "retalitation" game. I don't need my tires slashed, my windows broken.. which.. may or may not happen, but.. you just never know what people might do. Hopefully the warning will sink in. If not, then I'll go to the police and make a report, and potentially file a restraining order. There is either usually no one home, or both my sister and I are home at the same time, so.. we're not usually by ourselves here.

In any case, I'm off to bed, with everything locked and one domestic nagging me that it's time for snuggles.

I'll keep you all updated.

Thanks for the concern and all the input.
 

catsallover

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You do have witnesses that can testify that he was "trespassing" in your house in the middle of the night, and that you and others have heard the doors open and shut inexplicitly, that he has shown up unexpectedly numerous times and has been told that he shouldn't be there - I would think that would be enough to at least get it on record that he is stalking you. Normal people just don't do that, drunk or sober.

They also make wireless door alarms that you can install that go off or beep when a door or window has been opened- my MIL had one several years ago that she flipped up during the day when they were home, and flipped down (to the floor- it was about 6 inches long, on a hinge) and would beep if someone opened the door.

I will pray for your safety
. I am really concerned- he sounds off- in the scary sense- to me.
 
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