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post #1 of 28
Thread Starter 
OK, so my little sister's best friend, we'll call her "Jane", told lil sis like 2 weeks ago that she was a bi-sexual. They are both 15 years old. Well, little sis turns 16 in March & is planning a big party. However, she doesn't know if she's comfortable with inviting Jane to her party. I see no reason why she shouldn't...sexual preferences aren't something that should be a determining factor in who your friends are & who aren't your friends. Besides, Jane's only 15.

I have to deal with this, myself, so how do I go about doing this? I don't want to offend little sis, & one thing my parents never could stress enough is tolerance. The color of your skin, your religion, sexual prefernces, gender, looks...none of it matters...the person themself matters. I guess I want to talk to her about this ASAP as Jane called tonight & she refused to talk to her...she hasn't been talking to her much lately. I don't want this to ruin lil sis' best friendship, but at the same time I don't want to butt in....but I think I have to.

We live in a rural area & people here tend to be superficial....if people knew about this girl's sexual preferences, no one would talk to her, lil sis would be tortured in school.
post #2 of 28
Aw what a tough situation for sure. I think your sis needs to be there for her friend right now..it must have been hard for the friend to tell your sis that. Does anyone else know? Can your sister just not keep it to herself and stay friends with her? It would be awful if the kids shunned your sis or her friend for this.

Can you talk to your sis about it? Tell her her friend needs her to be there for her right now?
post #3 of 28
I had several friends myself who were/are bi. I wish I had known then because I undressed in front of one... And I was just worried about her dad! I had gone over to swim and didn't think about her that way..

I'd invite her over..and you need to have a talk with this girl because it sounds like she's freaking out a bit. That's a normal response but she needs to get over it.
post #4 of 28
Sounds like lil sis is afraid. possibly afraid that "jane" will be into her and then that will make her look bisexual also and she doesnt want that stigma.
talk to he in depth about what it means to be bisexual and that at such a young age their sexuality is just really starting to develop.

sometimes its overwhelming at that age to be dealing with sexuality.
good luck
post #5 of 28
Jane is still the same person that she was before she told your sister. Nothing about Jane has changed between before telling your sis and after, she's still the same. I bet she feels just awful feeling that she may have lost her friend because of honesty about her sexuality. I really feel for her. If they are both 15 then I remember that as being a time when I felt particularly vulnerable about sexuality, friendships, and other relationships. I hope that you can help your sister feel more understanding and accepting towards her friend, I am not sure how you would best go about that though. I hope it all works out ok, friends are important.
post #6 of 28
I think that you should intervene somehow. Your lil' sis may not completely understand the whole bisexual situation. I had a friend in high school like that, but didn't find out until later. It didn't bother me either way.
Your lil's sis may also be scared because it is something new to her and doesn't know how to respond to what she has learned. I'm sure "Jane" can't really talk to anyone either and so sought out her best friend in hopes of being able to talk to someone about what she is going through.
I wish you all the best and hope it turns out ok. I hope that Jane will also come through this ok.
post #7 of 28
Thread Starter 
Nobody else knows about this. Lil sis finally just had to tell someone, she's so confused & I was the only person around. I think that lil sis' big concern is that Jane will do something embarassing at her b-day party. Basically, Jane is lil sis' only good friend. Her other friends have turned lil sis in for things they did so that they wouldn't get in trouble. Jane is a great girl.

I have been googling for info, too. I honestly don't know that my lil sis understands what exactly a bi-sexual is. She's not sure how to deal with her friend...this doesn't make Jane any different than she was before, lil sis knows that...I think. Well, I dunno what to think. I don't want to say anything that will make this worse for lil sis or Jane....

Jane's moms are talking to her about this. Her mom has a girlfriend & they are both so supportive of Jane. They are great moms, too!
post #8 of 28
That's great to hear about the mom being so supportive!! Jane is NO different than before and their friendship has not changed either. I don't think Jane would do anything embarrassing at the party because it would just draw attention to herself. I'm sure that's the last thing she would want. Keep us posted.
post #9 of 28
Oh Natalie... I know how closed-minded people are back home. I knew of some people in my high school....5 years ago.... that were bi-sexual/gay. I had NO problem with it, and neither did my group of friends, or people in the school. Heck, we had a gay teacher!! Even tho we're a small community, people need to realize that they are the same as they were before.
I hope your sister realizes that just because "Jane" has now proclaimed her newfound sexuality, shouldn't make her any less of a friend. Just ask your sister to put herself in "Jane's" shoes. She would still want to be friends with her, right? She wouldn't want to be alienated, right?
I know she's only 15, and thats a tough age to be put in this place, but she should still be mature enough to realize that friendship is more than a persons sexuality/race/anything.
I hope your sister can come to terms with it, and realize that they can still be friends. Is she afraid that "Jane" will be attracted to her? She should feel special that "Jane" was open with her with this secret.

Best of luck to you, your sister is SO lucky to have a big sister as wonderful as you are to help her out with this!!
post #10 of 28
im a hetro dude as hetro as ya can get. but i learend in this world freinds come in all types.some black some white some weird some this some that.i figure who cares long as they act as afreind and repsect who you are.god made us all.
post #11 of 28
Thread Starter 
Kenz, I think you hit it right on the nail. I wonder if lil sis is afraid Jane might like her & that's why Jane confessed she was bi-sexual. There was a kid in my grade that actually transferred schools because he was gay. People would vandalize his car, torture him, etc. Apparently, this school stinks compared to yours!

I'm kinda worried as lil sis has some things going on her in her life right now...and I wonder how this is going to "tip the scales". I am just so happy I'm over & done with high school & being 15. For me, it was a nightmare....I had hoped things would be better for her....
post #12 of 28
Maybe this info will offer some grounding for your sister.
Over the years since high school and university, I have learned that at least 30% of my friends have had a bisexual experience. Some stuck with it, a few are now gay and others just chalked it up to youthful experience.
Sexuality is really all about growth and exploration. In many ways society encourages it (especially with women and bisexuality ie. advertising, television, "The L Word, etc.). But on the other hand, society harbours a strict sense of puritan values. Quite hypocritical really.
I can't see why your sister's friendship will suffer with Jane. Chances are Jane isn't going to "jump" her or any one else who isn't sending out signals. Women are pretty selective in regards to desire.
Chances are when your sister matures, this whole issue of Jane's sexuality will be of no importance. Who knows, when she's in college she may find it cool that she has a friend who was comfortable to acknowledge her desires at such a young age.
I think Jane is totally normal, and probably just more open and mature than some! Hopefully your sis will see it this way in time.
Young kids have so much to think about these days!
post #13 of 28
I would tell your sister, that her friend is still the same person she was before she said she was bi.

I think i would also tell her, that for her friend to tell her showed alot of trust, and it would very bad for both her and the friend for her actions to change how she interacts with the friend.
post #14 of 28
Thread Starter 
Originally Posted by theimp98 View Post
I would tell your sister, that her friend is still the same person she was before she said she was bi.

I think i would also tell her, that for her friend to tell her showed alot of trust, and it would very bad for both her and the friend for her actions to change how she interacts with the friend.
You have an excellent point!

She went to bed about 15 minutes ago. I told her that I needed to talk to her about Jane tomorrow after school. I'm still not 100% sure what I'll say...I have this tendency to think & mean one thing, but something different & bad comes out of my mouth...
post #15 of 28
I would take the bull by the horns and do something that your sis obviously hasn't got the guts to do herself.
Tell her friend that she is incapable of being a friend and thats it!! full stop !!end of !!

Your sis has made her feelings quite obvious,she does not want to know this person now.And lets be honest you can't make her either!!
Why should you make excuses for your sister if she hasn't got the guts to tell her friend herself??
and IF her friend asks why? then tell her.If you know why your sister doesn't want
to know her and your sister won't tell her then you should....It's only right.
post #16 of 28
If they really are friends, it shouldn't matter if you're bi, gay, lesbian, a different color or culture.

You lil sis needs to learn this.

Plus from Jane's perspective like Bruce said, Jane told her in a state of trust because they're close friends.

I knew a bi in college and he WISHED he was either gay or straight. He told me how hard it is to be bi because some days he likes girls, other days he likes guys. The last time I talked to him (right before we all moved out of the dorms, he was leaning towards being gay, but still he said somedays he still is sexually attracted to girls.

Jane needs the support of her good friend in this time of coming out of the closet. Without she may become afraid of trusting people again.
post #17 of 28
I hope they can work it out. It would be sad to end a friendship over something like this.
post #18 of 28
I guess I'm feeling like, she's 15.....at 15 everything is uncomfortable....you are changing so much so fast. How is she supposed to know how to feel about this, and maybe there is more that she is not telling you Natalie, that she doesn't feel comfortable talking about at all.... maybe she is embarassed, maybe this friend likes her more than a friend, maybe she feels weird being friends with her now....all of these are valid feelings.... and as long as you are keeping the lines of communication open for your sister, and helping her to sort this out if she wants your help, then your doing the right thing.... My DH found out one of his male friends was bi, after we were friends for a few years.....and at 26 years old, he was confused.... he was concerned about their friendship, and had questions....and my DH is friends with plenty of openly gay people.....but the secrecy of this one friend, the not knowing....made it hard for him to grasp, he was re-evaluating their friendship, and I was able to help him through it.....by being there and talking him through his shock and hurt.... I hope you can do the same for your sister, she is still so young, and has so many lessons to learn in life....I hope this turns out to be a good one for her.
post #19 of 28
Okay, just saw this post and decided to throw my two bits in. I don't see why your sister is "avoiding" her (is that the right word?). I'd talk to your sis and ask her how she would feel if her friend wasn't going to invite her somewhere just because she's straight (I'm assuming she is). Maybe if she sees it from that point of view she'll forget about it.

ETA: I doubt Jane would do something "weird" at the party since she just came out to your sister. She just probably wanted to tell someone and have someone to understand her situation... isn't that what best friends do? It's hard to hide something somewhat important like sexuality. It feels like you are hiding a part of yourself, and when you come out it feels like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. Friends should be cool with that. Why would something like sexuality wreck a friendship?

(And if Jane did like your sister, she should be flattered! Wouldn't she be if a boy liked her?)
post #20 of 28
Thread Starter 
I tried to talk to lil sis when I picked her up from school & got a "shut up Nat! I figured it all out! You're buch a bum-head!". She is on the phone with Jane right now....I don't know what happened, but IMO, it could not have happened at a better time! I was a little nervous about what exactly I was going to say to lil sis. Let's hope this friendship continues for a long time!
post #21 of 28
Originally Posted by white cat lover View Post
I tried to talk to lil sis when I picked her up from school & got a "shut up Nat! I figured it all out! You're buch a bum-head!". She is on the phone with Jane right now....I don't know what happened, but IMO, it could not have happened at a better time! I was a little nervous about what exactly I was going to say to lil sis. Let's hope this friendship continues for a long time!
Hopefully your sis came to her senses and decided to be cool with it!
post #22 of 28
Thread Starter 
Originally Posted by Moz View Post
Hopefully your sis came to her senses and decided to be cool with it!
I hope so, too! She just seemed like she wasn't sure exactly how to act around Jane...although why Jane is different now than she was before I don't know. But, they are on the phone, so I take that as a very good sign!!!
post #23 of 28
I should add, I hope your sister is glad Jane told her about it. It's nice to know someone trusts you enough to tell you something like that.
post #24 of 28
Originally Posted by Moz View Post
Why would something like sexuality wreck a friendship?
My (ex?) best friend came out to me about 2 years ago, and to the rest of our friends about 6 months after that. And yes, it ruined our friendship, so much that I haven't spoken to her in months.

Though the situation is quite different than you might assume. I was as supportive to my friend as I knew how to be, encouraging her to figure out what she really wanted and trying to understand her perspective as best as I could. I mean, it must be a terrifying thing to discover that you're "different" than everyone else and that the things that you've been brought up to aspire to (marrying a boy and having children with him) are not things you'll ever want. And it must be terrifying to realize that many people will hate you for no good reason. So I wanted to support her through everything, and let her know just how much I still loved her, because nothing had changed.

Well, turns out things did change, because I suppose lesbians don't associate with straight girls any more. So yes, in a strange way, sexuality did ruin our friendship. It's the one thing I most wish I could fix, but I suppose this is something I have to let go.

White Cat Lover: I do really hope that your sister and her friend work this out and that everything turns out well. It's a hard, hard situation that both of them are in right now.
post #25 of 28
I have close friends that are gay and I can honestly say it has never been a problem. Strangely at a similar age a friend told me he was gay and I remember being quite shocked, in fact I'm pretty sure I didn't speak to him for a while afterwards. Looking back I think it was because I was young and still struggling with my own sexuality (I'm straight but I did experiment- tbh it wasn't for me but I'm kinda glad I found out ). Hopefully the OP's lil' sister will be cool with it but unfortunately you can't force friendships. As 'Jane' has two mothers I reckon they should be able to deal with it and my thoughts are with them if I'm honest.

Homophobia is a strange thing to my mind- I'm just really not that interested in who someone is having sex with and don't see it as my place to pry. I just feel there must be something wrong with someone who takes such an interest in someone-else's sexuality. Live and let live imho
post #26 of 28
When I came out, it was really hard on my friends and family. Most people didn't know how to react to what I had said. What's even worse, some people didn't take me seriously. I've taken this approach in my life, because I'm married to a man most people assume I'm strait, so I let them think that. My close friends know that I am just as attracted to men as I am women. Unless I am asked point blank about my sexual preference I let people think what they want. Yet, I am active in the LGBT community, and so is my husband.

When someone comes out at 15 it should be a celebration. Remember 50 years ago there wasn't the option.
post #27 of 28
If they are friends then she should invite her. A long time friend of mine came out a few months ago and we love him regardless.
post #28 of 28
They'll be fine. I wouldn't be so quick to put labels on anyone who is 15... maybe she really is bi, maybe she really is a lesbian, maybe she really is straight, or maybe she's 15.

One of my best friends had a girlfriend for a while when we were 15 but has only dated guys since. Sometimes teenagers are just starting to figure out who they are and all we can do is let them.

I do have to say I don't understand your lil sister's reaction, but I guess in the context of an extremely close-minded town it makes sense.
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