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relationship advice

post #1 of 15
Thread Starter 
So I have a decision to make and am looking for some advice.

I'm in a serious relationship right now with a guy named Chris. We've been dating about 9 months, and we talk about getting married in a year or so.
I technically live with my parents, but in reality I spend every night at my boyfriend's apt where he lives with a male roommate, who's a nice guy. (and my two cats!)

Chris is buying an apt soon - a 2 bedroom in a nice bldg where we could live for a long time, get married, have a baby etc.

The problem is that the mortgage and maintnence is a bit of a financial stretch for him right now so we're considering having his current roommate move into the second bedroom and pay him rent.
That takes a lot of financial burden off of me because since I'm only working part-time and (hopefully) will be in nursing school next fall, I don't have much income.

But of course having a third wheel in the apt is a little strange and might sort of stifle our ability to grow as a couple. Plus it's another boy to clean up after and since he's a single guy he's more in a party stage of life, whereas Chris and I are in a couple stage.

Chris has said that of course he'd rather have it just be the two of us, but in that case he'd need me to contribute to the monthly payments which is fair.
I have quite a bit of savings, so I can afford it.

I'm just wondering what the smart thing is to do:
Have the roommate live with us and pay rent until Chris and I are actually engaged?

Or jumpstart couple life and live together alone, and use some of my savings to help pay for the apt?

The only real issue I have with kicking in my savings is what if we broke up and I was all bitter and angry that I threw away a few thousand dollars?
Not that I think we'll break up, but you never know.
It's a gamble.....
post #2 of 15
Go with the 3rd "wheel".

My friend and her husband were married almost a year ago. She was basically living with him prior to their marriage, similar to you (officially her address was her parents, but she was at his place much more often).

He has a roommate that helps pay the mortgage. Both are married now and she does say that sometimes its a little hard but overall they don't mind him.
post #3 of 15
If you're thinking "what if we break up" then I think it might be best to let the roommate pay rent for a bit and then go from there. Until you two are married, there's always the chance for "what if we break up." And even in this day and age, the same mentality goes for marriage.

Were you friends before you started dating? Why aren't you engaged now if you're already talking about marriage? (If you aren't engaged because he's not ready, or you're not ready...then, IMO, it's not a good idea to give him that financial support.)

Just think about any scenario that might happen and decide if it's something you can live with or not.

I'm not saying that you two shouldn't get married, or that you will break up, but if you're already thinking that it could be a possibility, then you have your head on straight.

I wish you good luck in whatever you choose to do, And marriage is a wonderful thing..don't let anyone tell you differently!
post #4 of 15
I think you should go with the room mate.
I have applied to nursing school this summer, but will most likely not be starting until the fall as well. From what I hear, it is very demanding. When you are dealing with classes, exams, clinical rotations, and homework, the bills are not going to slow down. My fiancé and I own our home. Juggling working almost full time, the classes I have now, homework & studying, housework, and quality time together is extremely difficult at times. I suspect it isn't going to get much easier once I begin nursing classes.
It may be a bit awkward at times having a third person in the home, but it will alleviate much stress financially while you are in school. I would think that the financial stress the two of you may face as you are beginning your lives together might be more detrimental than having someone live with you for a short time.
Good luck!
post #5 of 15
When Jerry and I were engaged, he had his roommate/cousin living with him. This is a man I couldn't STAND!! He was a pig in alot of differnet ways, the way he lived, his cleanliness, how he treated women, etc..........to this day I can't stand to be in the same room with him. When I moved in with Jerry 6 months before we married, I did everything I could to get him out. I kept after him because he kept saying he was going to buy a house. He finally did, and it was the happiest day of my life! Get this!! ON OUR WEDDING NIGHT, he came home with us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He's such a jerk!!!!! He had a million different places he could have stayed, but nooooooooo, he came home with us and sat up in his bedroom, which was right next to ours, all night watching his stupid tv shows..........

ANYWAYS, if you like this guy and could use the money, then I see nothing wrong with it, but in my case, it wasn't for us.
post #6 of 15
My husband's cousin lived with us before we were married and it really didn't bother us. Of course, it all depends on the people involved. If he's still in the "singles scene" he probably won't be around much anyway. I would defintely hold on to your savings...you never know when you would need that for an emergency (car repairs, school expenses etc), or save it for your wedding! But, I would lay down some ground rules for the room-mate. Make sure he understands that he has to clean up after himself...you are not his housekeeper! Let him know what bills he is responsible for each month, how much he has to chip in for groceries, etc.

Good luck, and congrats on your future engagement!!
post #7 of 15
You guys are young. You have plenty of time to grow together as a couple, have kids, etc. I know plenty of people that have had roommate situations like that. Life is what you make it - not what you think it should be.
post #8 of 15
I'm not going to say whats right and wrong for you.
But Your thinking about what you would be putting into ' living together' and how much money you would lose if things didn't work out for you both.
But just remember that your Bf will be having to give up a secure income from
his ' lodger' if you move in and the lodger moves out.
If things don't work out for you both then your Bf will be left with a property that
he probly won't be able to afford to pay on his own.
So he's taking a chance with this relationship too.
post #9 of 15
I would go with the room mate too, it can help out especially if you are gonna be in school.
post #10 of 15
At this point I would go with the roommate BUT make it clear that when you guys are ready to move in together or get married that he needs to find a new place to live with a reasonable amount of notice.


Quote:
Originally Posted by kittylover4ever View Post
When Jerry and I were engaged, he had his roommate/cousin living with him. This is a man I couldn't STAND!! He was a pig in alot of differnet ways, the way he lived, his cleanliness, how he treated women, etc..........to this day I can't stand to be in the same room with him. When I moved in with Jerry 6 months before we married, I did everything I could to get him out. I kept after him because he kept saying he was going to buy a house. He finally did, and it was the happiest day of my life! Get this!! ON OUR WEDDING NIGHT, he came home with us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He's such a jerk!!!!! He had a million different places he could have stayed, but nooooooooo, he came home with us and sat up in his bedroom, which was right next to ours, all night watching his stupid tv shows..........
/derail

Dear lord I thought I was the only person that this happened to.

When me and my now ex husband were dating he had a room mate. She was suppose to be his best friend. I didn't mind her to much, but she did have drug issues.

She was his best man, yes you read that right. She actually dressed in a suit and was his best man. Why?, because my husband said that that was his best friend.

She wrecked our car on our wedding night. She insisted that she drive and we sit in the back seat. It was January and very cold. She did not let the car heat up enough and the windows were fogged and she hit a parked car on the
opposite side of the street.

She freaked out because, get this, she had NO license. I took the blame and said I was driving so the insurance would cover the damage because we were married. She ended up leaving the scene leaving us there with the police to file the report.

After we got done with that we were suppose to all meet up at a hotel and party some more and we, meaning just me and my new husband, were suppose to stay at the hotel.

She did go there but ended up getting nervous about the police and took off to another bar. We ended up following her there and then ended up just going home.

When we got there not only was she there with her BF but his other friend that was also in the car when she hit the car.

So here we were on our wedding night with three other people sitting around the livingroom watching TV and drinking.

She finally moved out about three weeks after we got married.

I could spend hours writing down the issues that still happened with this "friend" after she moved out and even after we were divorced. Uggg.

Good times

Man was I young and stupid!!!

/end derail
post #11 of 15
It really doesnt sound like you're ready for further developments. With low income you'll be amazed what a strain it puts on the relationship! Wait until you are on a steady income and see if you can afford it later.

Trust me, nothing beats an unstable life...
post #12 of 15
Well, I can answer this one from the perspective of someone in nursing school and having lived with my boyfriend during school. Nursing school is extremely stressful and it is a large contributer to the reason why my bf and I broke up. You are going to be very busy for the next 2 or 4 years. Not that everyone that goes through nursing school breaks up with their SO, but almost everyone on my class has had relationship troubles since the beginning of school.

Like I said, not everyone will have this problem, but it is something to keep in mind. My bf and I were talking abut marraige before I started nursing school, too.

Get the roommate.
post #13 of 15
A mortgage adds stress, a mortgage you (as a couple) can't afford adds much more stress, nursing school will be very stressful, having to use your savings adds to stress, a roommate when you get home will be annoying and stressful...

Stress is not good for a relationship, and money stress is the #1 casue of relationship breakups and divorce.

My advice is: don't make this change right now. You aren't getting married now, and you aren't having a baby now. Your goal is nursing school, so do that while living cheaply (or free) at home. Visit your boyfriend whenever you want, but if you take on all these burdens right now, something will probably have to give down the line, and it could be your schooling or your relationship.

You can keep them both by putting these things on hold. And, who knows, after you finish school (or get married or pregnant) you might want to live with hiim someplace completely different, and you'll be able to afford a nicer place probably.

I hope you don't rush into all of this. You have time to have it all when it's right (and no roommate). I wish you well.

Cheers, from
SwampWitch
post #14 of 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by SwampWitch View Post
A mortgage adds stress, a mortgage you (as a couple) can't afford adds much more stress, nursing school will be very stressful, having to use your savings adds to stress, a roommate when you get home will be annoying and stressful...

Stress is not good for a relationship, and money stress is the #1 casue of relationship breakups and divorce.

My advice is: don't make this change right now. You aren't getting married now, and you aren't having a baby now. Your goal is nursing school, so do that while living cheaply (or free) at home. Visit your boyfriend whenever you want, but if you take on all these burdens right now, something will probably have to give down the line, and it could be your schooling or your relationship.

You can keep them both by putting these things on hold. And, who knows, after you finish school (or get married or pregnant) you might want to live with hiim someplace completely different, and you'll be able to afford a nicer place probably.

I hope you don't rush into all of this. You have time to have it all when it's right (and no roommate). I wish you well.

Cheers, from
SwampWitch
She just worded that so beautifully!
post #15 of 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by cercia View Post
It really doesnt sound like you're ready for further developments. With low income you'll be amazed what a strain it puts on the relationship! Wait until you are on a steady income and see if you can afford it later.

Trust me, nothing beats an unstable life...
I tend to agree. I personally wouldn't live with my bf AND a roommate. Sounds like trouble. I would wait to move in together when you are financially able to afford living with just the two of you. There is no rush for these things, and dating for 9 months to me isn't really long enough to be moving in together just yet or getting married JMO, and I am not out to offend anyone
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