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am i a racist.

post #1 of 25
Thread Starter 
lol I still dont know if i should be laughing or upset here.

At the office there is web project going on, They hired a company from India to do the work. Since i am the only network/PC admin at night i was getting alot of requests from there team lead person. The team lead is lady, i would say in her 30's Before i left on medical leave i often had coffee with her in the morning,to talk about requests they had made of me. She seems very smart, funny, always has a smile on her face. Very nice to work with.

Anyway, several of males in the office have been asking questions about her.
What is she like, is she single those types of questions. I have even been asked how
they should ask her out. to which i say, hmm walk over to her desk say HI my name is <xxx> care to join me for coffee. Well work called me at home to ask me to join in a phone call about some issues. after the business side was done, they started the BS part. Couple of the guys started talking about how cute/hot this woman is. When they asked me if i thought she was cute i said no i dont think so. well they started to press me on why i dont think she is cute. finally I said, well i just dont care for her skin tone. to me its not cute,outside of that she seems great.

At that point the one black guy said i was being racist and going to report me to HR. So now a person is being racist cause they dont like a skin tone? is it racist to say i dont like blondes or red head? is it racist to say you wont date someone cause they are to pale? people like who they like for dating for different reasons.

what do you think?
post #2 of 25
Me personally - i could care less about race and skin tone. I care about what kind of person someone is. I'll put it this way- for me personally- i do not care what your skin tone is, where you're from, or what you look/talk like- i care about the way you act, the words that come out of your mouth, and how you treat others. I don't think color is all that important. But- just to make a point i will say this (and i don't like listing off races- but it will make my point)at my duplex- all of our neighbors are hispanic, my boyfriend- he's 1/2 vietnamese, and my coworkers- are all different ethnicities just like me and me- well i'm a mutt puppy!! I don't care What i care about is if they are my friends or not and things like that Race is just another way someone can descirbe themselves (like an adjective.) i really don't think more should be read into it. When you start putting more energy and emphasis into one race- things start to become bad. I just don't think it should be an issue.

That being said- i will say this though- perhaps they called you a racist simply because you used the term "skin tone" - that probably to them came off as racist for whatever reason because it led them to believe you were judging her strictly by her skin color- reguardless of you having said she was nice and giving her other compliments. But just from knowing you personally and chatting a lot with you- you are a dear friend- i do no think you're racist at all bruce. After all - even your beautiful wife Itta does not have the same skin tone as you- yet that didn't stop you from falling in love with her and marrying her- i think maybe you could point that out to your coworkers who made that comment. So next time- i probably wouldn't use the word "skin tone" since they made it into a race issues (uhhhh i hate it when everyone makes stuff into a race issues- when people stop seeing races and start seeing people- then racism will be gone- that's my sound opinion.) But for the record- No Bruce....i do not think you're a racist.
post #3 of 25
Thread Starter 
lol i was not even thinking in terms of her race, just her looks which is what they were asking about. also it was only the one guy that said i was being a racist. i dont doubt the guy will take it to HR
post #4 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by StarryEyedTiGeR View Post
That being said- i will say this though- perhaps they called you a racist simply because you used the term "skin tone"
I agree. If you'd just said "she's not my type" I doubt anyone would have accused you of racism.
post #5 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by theimp98 View Post
well they started to press me on why i dont think she is cute. finally I said, well i just dont care for her skin tone. to me its not cute,outside of that she seems great.

At that point the one black guy said i was being racist and going to report me to HR. So now a person is being racist cause they dont like a skin tone? is it racist to say i dont like blondes or red head? is it racist to say you wont date someone cause they are to pale? people like who they like for dating for different reasons.

what do you think?
I don't think its racism this is more of a question of attraction, but TBH you could have worded this better without using the term "skin tone" esp in an office situation. Saying she wasn't your type or even "Hey I'm married!" would have gotten them of your case. I really hope they don't report you as it would be very unfair.
post #6 of 25
I don't think in any way shape or form are you a racist, Bruce. Some people want to make issues where there are none.

If you had said she was too skinny, that would have been sexual. If you had said she wasn't intelligent enough, that would have been harassment.

Eh, I'd defend my position that it wasn't a racial remark but a personal comment to a question that never should have been asked. Did HE start the whole conversation? Then HE might need to rethink his actions.
post #7 of 25
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sims2fan View Post
I don't think its racism this is more of a question of attraction, .
Quote:
Originally Posted by neetanddave View Post
Eh, I'd defend my position that it wasn't a racial remark but a personal comment to a question that never should have been asked. Did HE start the whole conversation? Then HE might need to rethink his actions.
that is part of it, i never really did more then talk and make friends with ladies at work even when i was single.

i never thought that saying skin tone could could some upset people. gee , i had women tell me i was to white(i hate the sun) . so they are being racist based on some peoples way of thinking? But yea there are 2 guys here that are always asking me about her and talking about her, and they started the conversation after the work business was done.
post #8 of 25
yeah I think they took skin tone to equal race, when you just meant you like your women to be darker or lighter whatever the case may be... just a bad choice of words, Bruce but if they take you to HR you jsut have to explain that and besides that, how is going to take you to HR when ya'll, well maybe not you, were talking about her in a not work appropriate manner they'll just make themselves look like fools
post #9 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by urbantigers View Post
I agree. If you'd just said "she's not my type" I doubt anyone would have accused you of racism.

I agree.
The comment about skin tone just doesn't sit well with people.
post #10 of 25
Yeah Bruce, I'd say your a complete racist

Some people are very sensitive towards physical aspects. However it sounds like they sort of pressured you into an answer. HR may send you a letter or email just for the sake of the guy, but the fact that you didn't say this directly to her or tell the guy you don't like the color of his skin they'll probably just dismiss it.

Hopefully though this doesn't ruin your friendship with the girl, if the guy repeats this back to her.

The definition of racism has changed so much from 10 years, 20 years even 50 years ago. From past classes, I've learned that everyone basically has a little bit of racism in them.

B always laughs at the people that say "I'm not a racist, my best friend is <insert ethnicy here>" He laughs at the people and tells them just by identifying their friend by their ethnicy is considered racist.
post #11 of 25
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by lunasmom View Post
Hopefully though this doesn't ruin your friendship with the girl, if the guy repeats this back to her.

The definition of racism has changed so much from 10 years, 20 years even 50 years ago. From past classes, I've learned that everyone basically has a little bit of racism in them.

B always laughs at the people that say "I'm not a racist, my best friend is <insert ethnicy here>" He laughs at the people and tells them just by identifying their friend by their ethnicy is considered racist.
oh i agree, its getting so if you dont like someone and they are a different race then its cause your racist now. how about i dont like them cause i dont like them.

"Hopefully though this doesn't ruin your friendship with the girl, if the guy repeats this back to her"

you know what is funny about that statment is that she knows the guy likes her, but she is scared of him , cause he "is to dark" her words not mine, and she has seen american blacks on TV shows. i swear we need to stop shipping are TV shows overseas i am to old for these games

In her case, i like her, she is good to work with, funny and very good at web stuff. itta was even talking about asking her over to dinner soon cause i told itta how anijta(if i spelled it right) feels kinda lonely here and that she has no friends, and when not working she is stuck in the hotel. anyway, by the term skin tone, i did not mean to apply a racial reason. grrr, i need to learn to express myself better with writting.
post #12 of 25
I don't think that was racist at all. Its just a fact of your own personal preference. People are really starting to take the whole racism thing to far. Its like crying wolf. Now if someone actually does discriminate against someone based on their race, it'll probably be overlooked because the 'race card' has been played so much.

I used to work with a guy who had a BIG crush on me, mostly because he loved my skin tone. He was VERY pale (not something I usually go for) but he insisted that we would have beautiful children. I had dreadlocks at the time, and he thought it would be cool to have blue eyed, blond, light brown dreadlocked babies runnin around! He obviously didn't master in genetics! LOL! I could never have dated him though, 'cause he was too short for me...

All that said though, I probably wouldn't have used your terminology at my place of business. But then, I'm black and somehow a lot of people have this ridiculous idea in their head that black people can't be racist!
post #13 of 25
If you didn't say that directly to the woman, how could HR get involved?

I lurk on another forum and one woman has been reporting run ins with a neighbor. On one occasion, the woman made arrangements on behalf of her school PTO for a breakfast for the teachers and had juice, coffee, and bagels. The neighbor lady (part of the PTO committee) went to the principal and told her that serving those bagels was racist. Oi.
post #14 of 25
I think it was kind of inappropriate for them to be grilling you about why you didn't think she was attractive in the first place...

I agree, you aren't racist. There are tons and tons of things that are perfectly fine in discriminating who you want to be in a relationship with that would be totally illegal if you were deciding who got a promotion. Like age, religion, sex, etc. (It's perfectly okay to not want to date someone 20 years older/younger, or someone who isn't your religion, or is the same sex as you, etc).

Maybe you did pick not the best words, as skin tone sort of implies race, but if you had said "She's too tan" or "She's too pale" it wouldn't have meant anything. I can't imagine what the guy harrassing you about it thinks HR is going to do about it anyway. Even if somebody were a total crazy racist but never said anything about it at work, they couldn't do anything.
post #15 of 25
I agree with that you should've said that she wasn't your type. I wouldn't have mentioned skin tone, atleast in those words. For example I don't usually care for women who have more tanned skin, whether if it's a result of race or a actual tanning, it's just not my preference. It might still sound a bit weird but it doesn't come across the way that your co-workers took what you said.
post #16 of 25
As seems to be the consensus here -- an unfortunate choice of words, but hardly racist.
post #17 of 25
Fer cryin' out loud.
If these guys can be sexist by going on and on about whether she is HOT or how HOT she is or isn't, then I think you can express an opinion about whether you think she is attractive to you without have to watch your every word. I mean, if there had been a tape recorder there, who would have looked worse? This was not some official meeting, this was a bunch of guys being guys. I did not realize that guys were this dainty about things when they discuss chicks or babes or whatever they call us when they think we can't hear them.
post #18 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by 2dogmom View Post
Fer cryin' out loud.
If these guys can be sexist by going on and on about whether she is HOT or how HOT she is or isn't, then I think you can express an opinion about whether you think she is attractive to you without have to watch your every word. I mean, if there had been a tape recorder there, who would have looked worse? This was not some official meeting, this was a bunch of guys being guys. I did not realize that guys were this dainty about things when they discuss chicks or babes or whatever they call us when they think we can't hear them.


I was going to say the same exact thing.
post #19 of 25
worded it odd thats all.
Oh and with HR...bleh, those MALE coworkers were talking about the FEMALE coworker in an unperfessonal way so they are just as guilty of being a duffus as you would be for saying "skin tone". most people would understand what your meaning, from pale skin to very dark dark skin. Some people dont like freckles...what makes it ok for them to be discriminated against but not someone with dark skin....nothing. most people know that. Its those who look for mean things and are ignorant that make deals over other peoples preferences.

If you get asked about it again what do you think you will say, say you have to speak to HR or something?
post #20 of 25
Hmmm...

If you'd been talking about a white lady and the black guy said he didn't like her skin tone, would you have accepted his explanation that he was not being racist, just thought she was too pale? If so, nope, you are not a racist.

I suppose they would have thought it was just fine if you'd said she was too fat, nose too big, etc... ??
post #21 of 25
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by EricaNicole View Post
If you get asked about it again what do you think you will say, say you have to speak to HR or something?
couple of people sent me email, or called me later that day to tell me he is very senstive about stuff, and is always saying he is going to take stuff to HR. Since i work nights i really dont know him all that well, just deal with him a few min every morning.
I think i will tell him, sorry this is work and your personal business is not mine, so get out. I dont know if he really said something to HR or not, i am out on medical leave right now, so if they want to talk to me , they will need to call me or send me mail.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Cinder View Post
Hmmm...

If you'd been talking about a white lady and the black guy said he didn't like her skin tone, would you have accepted his explanation that he was not being racist, just thought she was too pale? If so, nope, you are not a racist.
i have friends that are black tell me they dont like white girls. they did not use the term skin tone, they said, white girls. I never once thought it was racist for them to say that. Each person as what they like, when it comes to this type of thing.

When i was living Asia, i heard many people both men and women, say i dont like so and so because they are to dark, or to light.

In Indoensia there is saying that the locals told me he or she is sweet and dark, means good looking dark person(kinda reminds me of a add for chocolate). they dont see anything about that as racist, how i do. But since no one there thinks it racist then i guess its not.

I dont know, i think the whole thing is silly,
post #22 of 25
I think we've all gone overboard trying to be "politically correct". We shouldn't go around insulting people but neither should we have to be so very careful how we word our responses for fear someone might take offense.

Having said that, I agree that a better choice of words would have caused you less stress in this situation and would sound less racial. Even if you didn't mean it as racial, I can see how it could be taken that way.
post #23 of 25
I think that could sound like a racist comment, but I don't think it actually was a racist comment.

I think that you would be racist if her `skin tone' was the first thing you saw and then automatically put you off her because you don't like ALL people with dark skin. That's totally different.

Basically, you were being asked why you didn't think she was physically attractive. You gave a straight answer. Fair enough. I probably wouldn't think a blue person was physically attractive either!

If you fell in love with her personality and went out with her anyway, skin tone wouldn't even come into it, now would it?

Plus, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't your wife of Asian descent? I hardly think that qualifies you as racist. Perhaps you could point that out to your co-workers.
post #24 of 25
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by KitEKats4Eva! View Post
Plus, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't your wife of Asian descent? I hardly think that qualifies you as racist. Perhaps you could point that out to your co-workers.
Yep, she is. Indo/chinese
post #25 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by theimp98 View Post
Yep, she is. Indo/chinese
And perhaps you need to remind your co-workers that you ARE married, and that is primarily first and foremost the reason why you do not have the desire to ask this woman on a date. What kind of nimrods are you working with here? To me, that's kind of one of those "duh" things!!!

People need to get a grip. If you didn't like her hair color, would that make you a "hairist"? If you didn't like her legs, would that make a "legist?" I can kind of see why some would take offense to the whole skin tone comment and interpret that as racist...except that you're married to a non-caucasian woman, and that caucasians come in all skin tones as well. So to me, your co-workers are behaving ridiculously.
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