Dilemma...(Long)

Next Wednesday is Mike's birthday. He is they type that doesn't like a big deal made out of his birthday. No party, no fuss. He wants us to go out and have a nice, quiet dinner together. GREAT!

Here's the dilemma...his Mom and sister want to come with us. Now mind you, I am respectful of his Mother...because she's his Mother...but I CANNOT STAND his sister. She is a lazy, good for nothing, moocher who uses everyone in her life. Most people get sick of her and tell her where to go...he doesn't even care for her very much because of things she has done (especially lately).

Well, he told his Mom he wasn't sure what I had planned and he would talk to me about it. She, of course, gave him the guilt trip about not inviting his sister.

Now, his Mom's birthday was a few weeks ago and we invited her over for dinner and cake. She asked if his sister could come too and he said, "Id rather that she didn't Mom". So she refused to come unless his sister could come too. Needless to say, since it was her birthday, we decided to "put up with" his sister to make his Mom happy on her birthday. Was a LONG night.

Now here it is HIS birthday, and she is pulling this crap again. He doesn't want his sister around...but his Mom is making him feel bad about it...she always lays a guilt trip on him...no matter what.

Mike is too sweet and will give in...even though it is his birthday and he should spend it how he wants and with whom he wants (he really just wants it to be the two of us).

So now...I guess I get to be the "b*tch" and tell his Mom that Mike really does not want his sister around so she can't come. And if she doesn't like it, then she doesn't have to come either. This of course will just end up with her feeling like "I" am the one who makes him feel this way, and she will give him crap about it later.

I too would like it to just be the two of us...but I don't want him to have to hear the crap that I know will come.

What should I do????

Mike should invite whoever he wants ......... He shouldn't feel obligated to invite his sister just because it is a family member. I am in a similar situation. It is my mother's b-day on Saturday, and I have chosen not to go. If they decided to yell at me on the phone me because of it, then oh well. It;s sad how families do that to one another -- lay guiltrips and what not I don't think you are wrong for calling his mom.

I agree - its Mike's birthday and he can spend it however and with whomever he wants to.

With the exception of my parents and Mark, I tend to avoid my family.

Cindy,

Do you get guilt trips from other members of your family, too?

I would just call his mom and say that Mike really wants to have a nice romantic dinner with just the two of you. Maybe if she hears the word "romantic" she won't be so inclined to butt in. It's worth a shot. He shouldn't feel pressured into a meal with a sister he doesn't want to be around, especially on his birthday...that's his special day.

Mmmm, I guess I have to agree with Debby. Or, perhaps you guys could book into a hotel or something for a romantic getaway and let the family know that it's simply a romantic candlelit dinner for two?

Perhaps he could tell her that you two are doing an evening alone. And then maybe suggest getting together the day before or after for perhaps coffee and cake? That way the visit would be shorter, you guys would still have your night out, and nobody's feelings get hurt.

just an idea.

A person shouldn't have to spend their birthday anyway they don't want too. Stress to his mom that it is a romantic dinner and maybe suggest that she has a mother son "date" with him. That might make her celebration with him more special.

I'm not adding anything new, but I have to agree with the romantic dinner thing. Especially since Mike already told his mom that you were planning something, it's almost like a built in excuse.

No, Tigger - no guilt trips. My parents know what my brothers and their women are. If my middle bro, Mike, is going to drag his ol' skank along, MOM refuses to go.

Mark didn't even invite any of my brothers to the wedding, for fear that they would embarrass Mom and me.

Bill's sisters are cool - as long as he's happy, they're happy.

Daniela already wrote what I was going to suggest, so it must be good advice. Have your dinner together, then have lunch or coffee with his mom and sister. Definitely stress the romantic aspect of the dinner.

If it was my birthday, this what I would do. I would have a dinner with my girl on my birthday. Just me and her. Then, I would have another (actually before my birthday) where my family/friends could come. I don't have to worry about guilt trips from my family so it's a totally different situation but that's just what I would do.

Unfortunately, his Mom is just being a Mom who wants (unrealistically) all her children to get along. And boy, I have dealt with this problem... but that's another story.

From personal experience... Unless Mike is prepared to cut off his sister completely (along with the family ramifications that go along with it), you are in a no-win situation. Frankly, it is up to Mike to decide how to deal with this conflict... if you step in and Mike caves anyways, it's you who will be placed in a difficult postion, vis a vis the family: he'll be the hero, you'll be the goat and Mom and Sis will blame you for the attitude, not Mike. It's best for you in the long run to step out of the loop.

This isn't to say that you are obligated to invite Mom and Sis to birthday dinner... you certainly are not and have the right as a couple to say that you have private plans. But Mike has to assume his responsibilities here and be prepared to back you up... even if Mom is hurt by not attending, it won't be the end of the world: as adults, you have the perfect right to say no. You just have to do it together.

You could offer a compromise... you and Mike go out together on his birthday and arrange a cake and coffee evening either shortly before or after on another day. This allows you to involve them (for a much shorter period than a dinner and evening together) but still preserves your right to go out privately.

...actually...the family has already cut his sister off completely. His brother and Dad and he has...for the most part. And with very good reason too I might add. Only his Mother still has anything to do with her. But his sister lays the sad act on his Mom and then his Mom lays the guilt trip on him.

Can't WAIT until Thanksgiving and Christmas!

I have great sympathy for you, poor thing....

My Dad was the same way about my @#WE%$@ brother... After MANY years of abusive behavior on bro's part that ruined various family functions, I finally had to suck it up and just tell Dad that he was welcome, but bro was not. Dad was very angry and boycotted us for a while, but eventually came to accept if not understand. And he never stopped trying to mend fences...

It's a hellacious position to be in... and worse for my DH, I think.

Or on the flip side, suffer through Mom and Sis for the birthday, and you and Mike can plan your own celebration for another evening.

So Carla, what did you decide to do?