I feel like expressing and expounding for a while, so I hope that you all don't mind. I have great friends in my life, but this is something that I'm not sure that I would want to say openly. So, I'm going to share some deeply personal thoughts in hopes that in here I may not be mis-judged or midread in any way.
Lately I have been feeling the pressure of the imobility of my life. When I was 17 I just knew that by the time I reached the grand old age of 30 that I'd be making films as a career, my dream since childhood. But, now 35 is closing in fast and I can feel myself cresting towards that day when I will be closer to 40 than 30 and the fact that I am 1. Still in my home city, 2. Still struggling as a filmmaker, 3. still single and scared to death of growing old alone 4. Making a fair decent living but not fulfilled and, finally, 5. Faced with an insurmountable and uncorrectable physical problem that is progressively worsening (and, due to this, makes me shy when it comes to affairs of the heart, none the less) with no idea if I will be capable of taking care of myself in the coming years.
All of these things are racing through my mind, dwelling on each. I have begun writing again (after a 6 month bout of writers block), I think because of fear that I will never reach those goals that I'd like and a desperation to focus better (focus is another one of my BIG difficulties) and get SOMETHING NOTABLE completed.
As of late, my closest friends, Mike and Laura (husband/wife) have been distant and Helen, my ex who is now my closest friend and, as we both agree, are soul mates (or equivalent) because we can read one another so well (though she is half-happily married now) is also distant. I'm feeling sort of isolated and alone, but there is a good in it. I have allowed this isolation to continue and with it, however, sets in depression. BUT, the only way I can write is to have dark times, because they spurn the creative side in me and allows me to vent thru my writing. So, in a morbid sense, I welcome it.
Due to this "distance" that I have been feeling from those I'm closest to, I sometimes feel like crying and, I must admitt, since Kathy left many years ago (Remember the Tiffany story?) I have had an emotional whole inside of me which was opened further by the failure of my relationship with Helen (Even though I am thankful for the second failure, because we have become such good friends, or so I think), but now I want to just scream and cry, but cannot because I feel raw inside. Perhaps there are no more tears left within me for myself.
Now, all of this are the things that pass thru my mind in less than a minute. I am pouring this directly from the synapses without editing. And a realization dawns: I have more than a few voids in my life, no unconditional love except for my wonderful furballs and a creeping desperation to succeed SOON before it really is too late and I am unable, physically, to handle things.
And within ALL of this, all of these thoughts, I can't seem to find any answers for myself. It simply eludes me. ANY answer to any one of these musings.
Is all of this just fear? Is it the ole gray matter (bald matter in my case) screaming at me to get off my ass? I don't know what to make of it, but unless something good happens soon, I sometimes feel that I might walk right over the edge and into the abyss I had once stared long into the day Kat was in that accident that left her in a coma when leaving me. I can feel the dark, cold fingers of a serious depression coming and if I had hair, I'd want to pull it out. I don't know if I can stop it. I don't know how to slow it. In fact, I'm not sure of what to do at all. In fact, the ONLY good of this is that it has spurned me to write again. Aside from that, I'm feeling completely lost, isolated, lonely and somewhat persacuted. Perhaps this is why I have had such bad bouts of insomnia as of late?
Well, I had to unload somewhere, so I hope you all don't mind me ladling my crap out here. I suppose I feel more accepted here than in life at the moment.
[Edited by MeowMan on 04-20-2001 at 02:51 AM]
Lately I have been feeling the pressure of the imobility of my life. When I was 17 I just knew that by the time I reached the grand old age of 30 that I'd be making films as a career, my dream since childhood. But, now 35 is closing in fast and I can feel myself cresting towards that day when I will be closer to 40 than 30 and the fact that I am 1. Still in my home city, 2. Still struggling as a filmmaker, 3. still single and scared to death of growing old alone 4. Making a fair decent living but not fulfilled and, finally, 5. Faced with an insurmountable and uncorrectable physical problem that is progressively worsening (and, due to this, makes me shy when it comes to affairs of the heart, none the less) with no idea if I will be capable of taking care of myself in the coming years.
All of these things are racing through my mind, dwelling on each. I have begun writing again (after a 6 month bout of writers block), I think because of fear that I will never reach those goals that I'd like and a desperation to focus better (focus is another one of my BIG difficulties) and get SOMETHING NOTABLE completed.
As of late, my closest friends, Mike and Laura (husband/wife) have been distant and Helen, my ex who is now my closest friend and, as we both agree, are soul mates (or equivalent) because we can read one another so well (though she is half-happily married now) is also distant. I'm feeling sort of isolated and alone, but there is a good in it. I have allowed this isolation to continue and with it, however, sets in depression. BUT, the only way I can write is to have dark times, because they spurn the creative side in me and allows me to vent thru my writing. So, in a morbid sense, I welcome it.
Due to this "distance" that I have been feeling from those I'm closest to, I sometimes feel like crying and, I must admitt, since Kathy left many years ago (Remember the Tiffany story?) I have had an emotional whole inside of me which was opened further by the failure of my relationship with Helen (Even though I am thankful for the second failure, because we have become such good friends, or so I think), but now I want to just scream and cry, but cannot because I feel raw inside. Perhaps there are no more tears left within me for myself.
Now, all of this are the things that pass thru my mind in less than a minute. I am pouring this directly from the synapses without editing. And a realization dawns: I have more than a few voids in my life, no unconditional love except for my wonderful furballs and a creeping desperation to succeed SOON before it really is too late and I am unable, physically, to handle things.
And within ALL of this, all of these thoughts, I can't seem to find any answers for myself. It simply eludes me. ANY answer to any one of these musings.
Is all of this just fear? Is it the ole gray matter (bald matter in my case) screaming at me to get off my ass? I don't know what to make of it, but unless something good happens soon, I sometimes feel that I might walk right over the edge and into the abyss I had once stared long into the day Kat was in that accident that left her in a coma when leaving me. I can feel the dark, cold fingers of a serious depression coming and if I had hair, I'd want to pull it out. I don't know if I can stop it. I don't know how to slow it. In fact, I'm not sure of what to do at all. In fact, the ONLY good of this is that it has spurned me to write again. Aside from that, I'm feeling completely lost, isolated, lonely and somewhat persacuted. Perhaps this is why I have had such bad bouts of insomnia as of late?
Well, I had to unload somewhere, so I hope you all don't mind me ladling my crap out here. I suppose I feel more accepted here than in life at the moment.
[Edited by MeowMan on 04-20-2001 at 02:51 AM]