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Deep Thoughts....

post #1 of 21
Thread Starter 
I feel like expressing and expounding for a while, so I hope that you all don't mind. I have great friends in my life, but this is something that I'm not sure that I would want to say openly. So, I'm going to share some deeply personal thoughts in hopes that in here I may not be mis-judged or midread in any way.

Lately I have been feeling the pressure of the imobility of my life. When I was 17 I just knew that by the time I reached the grand old age of 30 that I'd be making films as a career, my dream since childhood. But, now 35 is closing in fast and I can feel myself cresting towards that day when I will be closer to 40 than 30 and the fact that I am 1. Still in my home city, 2. Still struggling as a filmmaker, 3. still single and scared to death of growing old alone 4. Making a fair decent living but not fulfilled and, finally, 5. Faced with an insurmountable and uncorrectable physical problem that is progressively worsening (and, due to this, makes me shy when it comes to affairs of the heart, none the less) with no idea if I will be capable of taking care of myself in the coming years.

All of these things are racing through my mind, dwelling on each. I have begun writing again (after a 6 month bout of writers block), I think because of fear that I will never reach those goals that I'd like and a desperation to focus better (focus is another one of my BIG difficulties) and get SOMETHING NOTABLE completed.

As of late, my closest friends, Mike and Laura (husband/wife) have been distant and Helen, my ex who is now my closest friend and, as we both agree, are soul mates (or equivalent) because we can read one another so well (though she is half-happily married now) is also distant. I'm feeling sort of isolated and alone, but there is a good in it. I have allowed this isolation to continue and with it, however, sets in depression. BUT, the only way I can write is to have dark times, because they spurn the creative side in me and allows me to vent thru my writing. So, in a morbid sense, I welcome it.

Due to this "distance" that I have been feeling from those I'm closest to, I sometimes feel like crying and, I must admitt, since Kathy left many years ago (Remember the Tiffany story?) I have had an emotional whole inside of me which was opened further by the failure of my relationship with Helen (Even though I am thankful for the second failure, because we have become such good friends, or so I think), but now I want to just scream and cry, but cannot because I feel raw inside. Perhaps there are no more tears left within me for myself.

Now, all of this are the things that pass thru my mind in less than a minute. I am pouring this directly from the synapses without editing. And a realization dawns: I have more than a few voids in my life, no unconditional love except for my wonderful furballs and a creeping desperation to succeed SOON before it really is too late and I am unable, physically, to handle things.

And within ALL of this, all of these thoughts, I can't seem to find any answers for myself. It simply eludes me. ANY answer to any one of these musings.

Is all of this just fear? Is it the ole gray matter (bald matter in my case) screaming at me to get off my ass? I don't know what to make of it, but unless something good happens soon, I sometimes feel that I might walk right over the edge and into the abyss I had once stared long into the day Kat was in that accident that left her in a coma when leaving me. I can feel the dark, cold fingers of a serious depression coming and if I had hair, I'd want to pull it out. I don't know if I can stop it. I don't know how to slow it. In fact, I'm not sure of what to do at all. In fact, the ONLY good of this is that it has spurned me to write again. Aside from that, I'm feeling completely lost, isolated, lonely and somewhat persacuted. Perhaps this is why I have had such bad bouts of insomnia as of late?

Well, I had to unload somewhere, so I hope you all don't mind me ladling my crap out here. I suppose I feel more accepted here than in life at the moment.

[Edited by MeowMan on 04-20-2001 at 02:51 AM]
post #2 of 21
I felt so sad after reading your post. I wish that there was something i could say or do to make it better. I'm glad that you feel you can post here and not be judged. I don't think that there is anyone here who would turn thier back on you, or have anything negative to say about the way that you feel. the thing that hit me the most about your post was when you talked about feeling distance between your closest friends & yourself. I have been in that situation many, many times, and it is the worst feeling in the world. it's like you can take anything as long as you have a support group of people to help handle the burden, and when you sense some sort of coolness or aloofness, whether real or imagined, it's devastating.

i don't have any answers but you are in my thoughts and prayers and if you ever needed to talk i would be there for you in a heartbeat.
post #3 of 21
Dear Chuck,
I'm very sorry to hear about the persent situation that understandably overwhelms you. Your involvment with animal abuse cases and the like may have depressed you to the point of paralysis. Perhaps you need a break. I do belive there is a line to be crossed (a very small line)before your anger turns to pain and it resides deep in your soul with nowhere to go except to cry in rage. I am only relating what I've experienced myself...obviously, if this doesn't apply...dump it. I know myself that issues beyond my control at times have smothered my very being of existance and I would ask God to take my life; because anything was better than this....anything.
Trust me, I am watching the very enviornment I've been raised in turn from what was a small town, now becoming a developers dream for the rich; many who could care less what happend to our envirnoment. Most of the wildlife has been displaced, kiled or orphaned. My only hope was to get off my arss and do something about it. We all grown old, our bodies get weak, but, we can chose to either dwell in the stink of the waste we have produced or leave. I pray that you don't sit there Chuck the fumes can be deadly...you are a product of your mind. Your mind is creative; there are many avenues in related fields of employment. You're a very intelligent man...please don't discount these gifts that God gave you.
From experience once again, being an epileptic, my illness takes on a life of it's own while being sressed out. Again, your physical state (stressed out) may have brought on your depression as it is so insideous. I too have been alone for many years. I guess I accept it only because I'd rather be alone than be put through the pains of a relationship. Even my friends tell me I fall off the face of the earth when I'm depressed and choose to have that same type of reflections as well as projections...but, I've found that most of those friends really aren't my friends either, because I never hear from them unless I make the effort to pick up the phone. I do cherish one person and that person has known me all of my life. So, you see, you're not alone Chuck, it comes in levels, it's all relative. These speculations are mine alone Chuck, I'm not stating that this can be the problem here...I just thought I'd share them with you and I pray that you recover from these thoughts, not your true realities of yet. We are the makers of those.
You'll be in my prayers and thoughts Chuck...

Hugs to All,
post #4 of 21
Depression setting in can be the most terrible thing. I know that paralysing feeling all too well. What's worked best for me was medication. It has helped me regain control over my life and find again the ability to be happy. Im not saying this solution is best for everyone, but it may be worth considering.

You chose a very very competitive field for your career. I'm not familiar with it personally, but it sounds to me like one of those fields where on top of talent you need tons of luck to make it. So maybe you won't be another Speilberg, so what? You're Chuck and you're a wondreful person in your own right, regardless of film making. Besides, I bet you're not doing too bad in that either. It may not be what you had thought it would be, but it's probably not so bad (want to tell us more about this? I find it to be quite interesting).

I could go on and talk about how life is what you make of them. You could have it all on the outside, a great career, a wonderful relationship and still be downright depressed (trust me, that's exactly where I've been). So I'm not sure it's a matter of objectively trying to decide whether or not your life is "a success", but rather a matter of coming to terms with who you are and enjoying your life for what it is. Again, in my words you hear a lot of Prozac. It has truly given me a different perception of life.

I think your first priority should be to make yourself feel better. After that, I really hope you go out there and try to find another soulmate, one that can also share your life on a daily basis. I think that you're a wonderful man and that there's a wonderful woman out there waiting for you. I think you could make some woman very very happy, regardless of your physical condition at the time.

We're with you Chuck, so don't let yourself fall into the abyss. It is NOT a nice place to be in and I don't think writing is worth it.

Hugs and purrs!
post #5 of 21
MeowMan..or Chuck,if I may,
I understand very well from a guy's point of view what you're feeling. We get fed all our lives these expectations of being a big "success" by a certain age. The only problem is that these "goals" are artificial and ridiculous. Since you write and work in the film world you should take a good look at the "heroes" in these movies and books. How many guys do you think could live up to these "ideal" men. Yet we grow up wanting to be or surpass the Terminators or the Bill Cosby Perfect Dad. We see these hockey or ball players
or movie stars with all their millions and feel inferior,but take a closer look my friend. Outside the press releases and hoopla these "perfect" folks are as messed up as we are and worse.

So you're pushing 35 and don't think you're successful enough?? Who,besides yourself,put these limits on your life?
Lots of excellent people didn't make their mark until they were in their 60's

I'm 54 and I sure had a different picture of my life by now.
Had quite a few failures and may well never get where I thought I'd be. So what?? I'm still a worthwhile person.
You might just try a little thing I thought up..sit down and say "I am a good and useful person. I am unique in that I can (list off your talents and good points..no matter how small). No other person in the world has this unique combination. I AM THE WORLD CHAMPION ME!!!!! Do this several times a week,you will be surprised at how your list will grow.

For when it all boils down my friend,that is all any of us can ever really hope to be. And there's your real measure of success.

Hope this will help. See ya Champ!!!!!
post #6 of 21
Chuck; Not to waste time echoing what has already been said; I empathize (not sympathize) with you. 35 is not the end of your creative lifespan. Make it the beginning! Do not praise the depression as a catalyst to creativity. Try taking your writing into a completely different sphere. What you know best may not be enough of a challenge to spark new creative juices. The same old thing is comforting and easy to fallback on but what you need is stimulation. Jump into your dark or wierd side. Try writing a short piece that requires your becoming an off the wall character (as un Chuck as they come. . . .) Surprisingly this type of diversion tells us some important things about ourselves that makes who we really are and what our actually situation is seem much more tolerable; not to mention that it allows us to escape and get outside ourselves for a short time. I don't know if you can understand what I am trying to say. If you are (as we know you to be) a caring, emotionally concerned, artistic, creative Chuck then try turning callous, pornographic, shallow and dim witted. If you can glimpse what you could have become it makes you appreciate what (thru God's graces) you really are. As far as the physical limitations; I do appreciate what you go through and your fears of being alone or being a burden for someone, but let me tell you that at 52 I still look for Prince Charming (or should I say the Senior Citizen formally known as Prince) to come riding in on his craftmatic motorized wheelchair and want to spend some quality years with me helping take care of each other. There is a lot to be said for the companionship of like minds.(not to mention the stimulation of shared memories)
You have my e-mail address if you ever want to talk about your career, your dreams, your past or whatever. Climb out of that pit, MeowMan we all need and value you! Threeleggedkat
post #7 of 21
kittyfoot, i couldn't have said it better myself. those where my thoughts but i wasn't able to articulate them.

well said
post #8 of 21
Thread Starter 
I just knew that you would all have very good return thoughts and opinions and, trust me, I value each one. Thank you so much for having big ears (or eyes on a forum, I suppose) and big hearts. I will pull out of this, it's just going to take a little time.

Ironicly, it has worsened since I first posted. I found out why Helen was acting distant. She's making plans to leave her husband because of his over controling, posessivness and is in the progress of setting up moving into the apt. of her girl - friend and her friends boyfriend. She's going to try "dating" her hubby and see if they can actually become friends instead of the stagnant way their marriage has gotten. Shes had a lot on her mind and this is why she's been as she has. I'm the first person she's really talked to about it, but, because she and I are best friends she is concerned that he might believe shes w/ me. And, I think shes worried that I may actually try to seduce her if I know shes separated. Well, I care too much for her to jeopordise our friendship and until she tells me they're actually divorcing I would never push for anything beyond the friendship that we have now. BUT....We both have such a kinetic, unearthly connection its not funny. She does want more with me and I her, but it took us breaking up when we dated 4 years ago and actually becomning friends to realize how important each is to the other. Well, we have a very strange relationship to say the least. Perhaps this is part of the reason I have felt down the last few days, because she has been down too.

But, this situation with her has just tripped me up more still and the fear of losing her is there. dammit! BUT, the rug isn't pulled out from under me and I may just be paranoid.

Oh, well, I thought I'd share the news in my life. Its happening in a matter of hours now, so maybe my next update will reveal more.

I think I need a cat hug, so I'll talk to all of you absolutely wonderful people later. Thank you!!!
post #9 of 21
you are very lucky to have met someone who you have such a strong bond to. a lot of people go through life without ever knowing what that feels like.

i truelly believe that everything happens for a reason, so if her marriage isn't able to withstand the troubles, then maybe you two are meant to be together. it will all work out the way it's suppose to. it always does.

and now you know that there was a reason that she was being distant, and it had nothing to do with anything that you had done to make her feel that way.

from the way you described it, it doesn't sound like you are in any danger of losing her, in fact it sounds to me like one of those situations that bring people closer together.
post #10 of 21
Chuck....I wish there was something I could say or do to make you feel better....I too am going through an awful bout with depression...and some of it is because I am 35 and feel like all the things I wanted in life when I was younger....like kids, a good career, etc...are just never going to happen. Maybe it is just our age (we can only hope) and maybe it will pass. Maybe we are having our mid-life crisis....I once read that people have their mid life crisis at a much younger age now than they did many years ago. Which makes sense if you look at the mind set of teens compared to many years ago...we are all ahead of our times now.

I will say a prayer for you, and please say one for me.
We will never judge you here, we love you. I am glad you felt you could open up to us.
post #11 of 21
It is never to late to succeed in life. Look at Mary Higgins Clark (famous author at 60!) Stephen King did not make his mark till 43 and George Lucas was also a late bloomer. A friend of mine used to tell me when things were the bleakest, that what happens to us in life, is a direct reflection on how much help we can be to others as we gain a foothold in our own destiny.

Your thoughts are a result of living alone right now, and growing older, something none of us can do anything about. I will be 45 on Mother's Day, and I am considered by my dysfunctional family, "a complete failure" because I choose to plug away at my writing and my art. It does get frustrating to watch your body that you used to be able to depend on, break down in little, and or major ways, but please Meowman, know that you are not alone. You have all that come here to read your words, laugh at your wit and marvel at your strength to call your friends. Have you thought about using the Internet to meet a female? I have several friends who reached out in this way. Chuck Woolry has a Love Connection website! All three of these gals were broken and battered from other relationships, but they took a deep breath and plunged in. Now, two are living with their soul mates, and one is due to be married in June. Sure there are a lot of weirdos out in the world, but there are good people as well, many as shy and uncertain as you are. So this is just a thought to pass your way.

God Bless You
post #12 of 21
Dear Chuck;

I read your post with great sadness, as it reminds me an awful lot of the thoughts and feelings I had been having for a little over a year.

Please do not give up on yourself. There are answers to your questions out there. You just need to be able to see them. Sometimes through the fog of depression, the signs become obscure and hard to see.

Keep looking, because one day the answer will present itself to you. Once it does, you will begin to feel that weight being lifted away, and things will begin to look positive to you again. I have only in the past couple of months heard that message myself, and it is truly amazing how quickly things began to fall into place.

The first step I would recommend is to be bitterly honest with yourself: What is the ONE thing on that list of things you are dissatisfied with that truly bothers you the most? That is the first issue for you to resolve, because as long as that one hangs over your head, it drags everything else down too.

If you want to talk anytime, email me. I won't go into a dissertation here. In the meantime, my thoughts are with you.
post #13 of 21
It sounds to me like things are in such a state of flux vis-a-vis your lady friend that it's too early for reaching conclusions regarding your relationship with her. Perhaps the uncertainty, which is natural when situations are in motion, is becoming scarier than in previous years — due to the variable factors you mentioned (career and health among them). But, as with all situations, your relationship with Helen will resolve itself over time into something reliable.

I was in my mid-30s when my career took a down-turn due to my ignorance of office politics. To make a long story short, I thought it was the end of the world as I'd known it (which it was) and thus my life was moot. The next ten years were spent in the daze and haze of drug-induced escapism. Don't make that mistake! At least I survived, so to speak, ending up back in my old profession. And you'll survive as well, in a lot better shape than I ended up acquiring.

You've much more drive and focus at this point in your life, believe it or not, than I had at a similar juncture back in the 1970s. My idealism about the work ethic we guys have beaten into our heads from day one gradually evaporated. But cynicism took its place, so it was pretty much an even trade. Neither extreme is helpful in the long run. I quit my profession for good in 1994; and I've never regretted that decision.

It's obvious you're a talented guy, Meow Man. Those are wonderful gifts you bring to this tired old world! Mind, none of us have a commission to "do something" with our various talents; but I realize it's personally rewarding when we recognize we've made even the tiniest difference for the better in someone's life. I'm willing to bet you've done so and then some!

You've many years ahead of you, many years of new experiences aboard the ever-changing wheel of fate. Now is not the time to make conclusions about the over-arching significance of your life! Hell, I'm 56 years old and still anticipate many new and wonderful experiences on down the road. Not bad for a disabled nut-case who gets by on Social Security!

Meow Man, I know you'll pull out of this present nose-dive. Don't be looking about for a parachute, but rather concentrate on that control panel! There's precious cargo aboard: You.


P.S.: Well, I feel better now. Thank you.
post #14 of 21
Thread Starter 
WOW!! All of you just simply amaze me beyond comprehension! I actually do feel better reading all of these as if the burden of these (self imposed?) weights bear lighter upon my shoulders. Thank you. Mr. Cat, your writing has such an incredibly poignant flair to it and, as a man (NO offense to the very respected ladies) you speak with such knowing rhetoric that genuinely speaks out from your own insights that I, as a man, appreciate it.

I feel so fortunate to have been graced by the intelligence (ironicly spelled wrong?) and insight from each of you. It makes me feel less alone just reading each of your thoughts and knowing that all have "been there".

Believe it or not, I have yet another astonishing story that happened to me at work tonight. My OTHER ex-girlfriend, my first love Kathy (Remember the Tiffany story and how, because of Kathy, I started to like cats?) called me at work and she could tell that I was down and asked if I wanted to talk about it (I told her I needed a friend)? So, I unloaded my thoughts on Helen telling me this very afternoon that she would soon be leaving her husband and my concerns for our friendship/relationship because of her pending separation. It just felt good to be able to talk about it.

Well, after I was done I asked her how things were with her? And, was anything new"? AND YOU KNOW WHAT SHE TOLD ME?!

"I'm leaving my husband tonight" and "he hit me again".

I was FLOORED! What are the chances that BOTH of my ex's whom I loved/love very much would both tell me within 10 hours of each other that they were leaving their husbands and indicating that I was right when I told them they were "marrying for the wrong reasons, but it's your decision" many years ago (2 for Helen and 6 for Kathy).

What does it take for my loves to realize that I'm the best guy they've ever known? It takes a failed marriage to learn the lesson! Oh, I hate the sadistic iorny of life sometimes!!

Can you believe that?! IN THE SAME DAY!
post #15 of 21
I am glad you are feeling much better now. I did not realize until today you were so down. I myself have been a little on the depressed side and have been going to bed about 2 hours earlier than usual. Needless to say, I missed your post. Sometimes I wonder if it is love that makes us all so crazy. We get down when we have nobody to share our lives with and then sometimes when there is someone there, they are making life difficult. I suppose if we didnt love at all, all of these emotions we have would never exist. I really hope things start going your way starting today!!
post #16 of 21

I have to agree with Sandie. It sounds to me (and has from the start) like the unresolved feelings for Helen and Kathy play a big part in your current state of mind. I didn't want to say so earlier and sound like some kind of amatuer psychologist.

Now you find yourself in this incredible "2nd chance" situation with not one, but both!!! All I want to say is Please be careful here. Both of these women are going through a difficult time. I wouldn't want you to become "rebound guy".

If either of these relationships is going to perhaps be attempted again, it is important to know why they didn't work out in the first place, and if changes can be made by both people so that the same things that destroyed the relationship don't happen again.

Other than that, I suggest you are sitting down every time you answer the phone in the near future, 'cause it seems like bizzare news keeps coming your way!
post #17 of 21
This is pretty amazing Chuck, about your ex's. Hey, maybe this could be the beginning of a movie? I can see Tom Hanks getting a phone call from Meg Ryan and then bumping into Julia Roberts

Sandie, it everything okay? I know your first priority on the forums is helping owners with their cat questions, but if there's anything you'd like to share here, we're here to listen!
post #18 of 21
Thank you Anne,
It's not a big deal. It's just been one of those weeks it seems. Hubby has been really cranky and moody since we found out about his kidney problem. Then my dad is home in Ca and he fell and messed himself up pretty bad. I am not there to help, so I feel a bit bad. Then I brought home a male cat for one of my females and he stinks to high heaven. I brought my female in to meet him and I couldnt let her loose because I have a recovering cat in there. She really did not like him so I got bit and peed on. Then the one recovering just got spayed. She is the one who had my last litter of kittens. She had some complications when her uterus tore and I am worried about her. It just all took a toll on me last week. I am feeling a bit better now and just hope I survive these mood swings. I am sure everyone has these kinds of weeks. I feel very bad about my not posting much. I am devoting tonight to catching up a bit!!
post #19 of 21
Thread Starter 
I'm actually feeling a little better despite everything.

As far as the affairs of the heart go I simply will take it one day at a time and will provide my friendship to both my ex's and try and support them as best that I can without any pressure from me and, NO, I will not allow myself to be a rebound case. That will never happen. I won't allow it.

As far as my career/stature in life, I suppose that the only person I am competing against is myself and I am, perhaps, my own worst enemy. I am still petrified of where I am presently as appased to where I imagined that I would be at this point in my life. Of course, someone pointed out to me that people are now hitting their mid-life crises at 35 instead of 40/45, so maybe thats it. Teriffic! A mid-life crises now! Thats all I need. LOL.

Anne, my moniters starting to wig out on me, but I am going to write a series of posts about filmmaking and the processes thereof for those that would be interested. Would anyone (other than Ann) be interested in that? I have quite a few stories to tell (After all, as a filmmaker, I am a storyteller first and foremost).
post #20 of 21
Thread Starter 
Actually, my issues with Kathy and Helen have been resolved, however, in regards to Kathy, I have issues with the religous brainwashing as a fanatical southern baptist she recieved after coming out of her coma. Shes not the same girl I first fell in love with 10 years ago now. She, also, doesn't see her mistakes as clear. I had my own contributions of screw ups that was a factor of course, for it is always a 2-way street. But, she was young, naive and thought the world would be handed to her on a platter and when I tried to tell her different she bucked and in the later, she has since admitted, at least, that she should have listened to my advice. I will always love Kathy, for she is my first, but I am no longer in love with her and couldn't tolerate the oppresive control her family STILL has on her and the stringet beliefs which I blame, mostly, for our break-up.

As far as Helen, in the beginning, she flat out told me that she wanted to be my friend FIRST, before consenting to being my lover. I, of course, wanted a lover and in that, the relationship was ruined. Then she hooked up with Allen (who she eventually married) and she and I actually became friends, so much so that I now know that she was right in the first place. Now, we know each other SO well, that we can read each other with just a look. I can actually feel when somethings wrong with her without having telked to her or seen her for days. We don't talk daily and see each other only once, maybe twice, a week. And, though she does love Allen, she has-in the last few years-admitted that she has finally fallen in love with me and that though she feels this way as well, it doesn't mean that she will betray her marriage. BUT, she has her own issues with him and I refuse to try and influence any decisions she may have. I will, of course, be her friend and listen and give my opinion, but I have, am and will remain conservative in relation to her. At least until she knows, one way or the other, what she will do in her marriage. But, as it stands, she is planning her escape. It's so damn confusing because my feelings run very deep for her. I can't explain the connection that she and I have, but it is etheral in so many unexplainable ways. When we first met we felt that we had known each other for years. I have only myself to blame for most of the failure in our first go at it. Lessons learned, hindsight, etc.
post #21 of 21
Dear Chuck,

Your present situation sounds so heartwrenching...but remember "It's better to love once than to never love at all"...

I too went through a constant upheavel with my x...he finally got permission to bring his new 5 month old baby to see me...I was in tears (even though it's been four years since we've been apart)...I missed him so much, but, I know that what we had was over and can't recapture something that in reality was not going to work.

Whatever your situation is with Helen right now, for myself, I would suggest let things ride, go with the flow and love her. Love is the best present we can give anyone.
Somehow things always work out for the best.
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