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Could you spare some vibes and prayers for my family?

post #1 of 27
Thread Starter 
2006 has been a very sad time for both sides of my family.

As some of you know, my cousin was recovering from Lukemia and passed away two months after his wedding. My Aunty was hysterical, and so was my mother. My parents still cant face it that they will never see my cousin again.

I just got an email from my mothers sister, telling me her husband has passed away on christmas day from a heart attack, unfortunately due to the move, all letters will be lost at the old address!
My aunty has had alot of problems with her husband in the last couple of years, but my mother was very close to him, I just dont know how to break the news to my mother. I am writing her a letter right now and i just dont know what to say. I am scared that once she reads this letter she will start drinking heavily again.

Do you think i should wait and tell her once i go over and see her? I had asked my father to pay for my flight (its going to be with ryan air) and i plan on going there for just the weekend.

I am at loss for words, in the last 3 years my mother is loosing alot of people that she was very close to. Her mother, her nephews, her friends. I dont know if this is because it comes with age, maybe it just seems like once you turn 50 everyone youre close to seem to vanish.

Unfortunately I dont have many feelings with this news. I cried the whole day when i read about Ambers passing, but I cant cry about my Uncle.

Is this normal?

Any advice is appreciated.
post #2 of 27
You know you have a lot of virtual shoulders to cry on here.
post #3 of 27
Oh Fran I'm sorry your family is going through such a rough time. I really think you should tell your mom at least on the phone about your uncles death..In a letter it would be just devastating because usually people are excited to get a letter.

I am sending many prayers that your mom will handle it okay and not get back into drinking again.

How awful for your family
post #4 of 27
I am so terribly sorry to hear about your losses honey. Your family will be in my thoughts and prayers to help you get through this rough time.
As for your feelings between Amber and your uncle. I guess the lack of tears for your uncle could mean a few things. Either you're in shock and haven't fully grasped it yet or were you really close to him? Because if you weren't all that close then I suppose that's normal as well and it's ok.
As for telling your mom, just my opinion, but I would wait until you see her on the weekend and tell her in person. I would try to tell her right away so you can see her reaction and be there for her throughout the weekend. Maybe having you there will help her find the strength to get through it.
post #5 of 27
I'm so sorry Fran! You've had a terrible year. I truly think you should call your Mom and tell her though. She needs to know, as painful as it will be. She would be even more upset if you didn't. As to not being able to cry about your uncle, maybe you are just wrung out! The body can only take so much. Just remember that we are all here for you anytime you need a shoulder to cry on!
post #6 of 27
Yeah, I wouldn't tell her in a letter...I would do it in person. What a shame your family has experienced such losses heart and prayers go out to you and your mother.

I would tell her at a time when you can spend some time being with her and offering your full support, such as over the weekend. I know you're worried about the news driving her to drink again, and as harsh as this sounds, that is not on YOU. One person can do nothing about another person's drinking or can't cure it, you didn't cause it, and you can't control it. In al-anon, we call it the 3 C's. Have you ever checked out local al-anon meetings in your area? I belong to it, and it's a wonderful help in so many helps you cope with another family member's drinking.

Please hang in there...we are all thinking of you at this time.
post #7 of 27
I'm so sorry Fran! I think it would be easiest to tell your mom about your uncle passing in person...
post #8 of 27
I agree that you should wait until you see her. It's already been a few weeks, so waiting a bit more won't hurt.

I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time.
post #9 of 27
I'm so sorry to hear about your sad news Fran.

Are you going to see your Mum soon? I think it would be better to tell her in person rather than to send her a letter. At least you can break the news to her gently and be there to comfort her.

You don't have to shed tears to feel sad that somebody has passed. We all grieve differently for different people. The death of a young person, when it was unexpected or in tragic circumstances is so upsetting. It can affect us differently if the person was older; although still sad it is not as unexpected. I am sure you miss him and think about your Uncle often.

This is going to be hard for you - I'm sorry
post #10 of 27
Thread Starter 
I just want to tell everyone that my parents are both deaf communicating with them on the phone is not possible right now we either communicate per sms or letter, but they dont quite understand the technology with a mobile phone so i dont bother!

I dont know when i am going to see my mother, I have to see how it works out with work first!

I will tell my aunty not to write my mother a letter yet!
I wasnt close to my Uncle, i spoke to him for about an hour sometime last year. He told me i sounded like Kylie Minogue and we had a couple of laughs, he sounded like a really nice person, untill he actually beat my aunty up so badly that she had to cancel her flight and didnt come to visit us. I have been bitter to them since, and i feel horrible!
post #11 of 27
Aw Fran, sending some vibes... and yes, I guess it would be easier to tell her in person at this point. Good luck to you for that!

And I agree with everyone else, people do grieve in different ways. For some people I've cried, for some I've sat in shock... I'm sure it might come eventually. Hugs to you for when that happens.
post #12 of 27
Fran, I am so sorry, you have certainly had your share of tragedy, I will remember you and your family in my prayers, also I think you should wait to see your mom in person to tell her about your Uncle
post #13 of 27
Oh my goodness honey, this is so hard. Unfortunately, people aren't as perfect as we'd want them to be. I'm so sorry for your losses. I wish there were an easier way for you. Please know that I too am thinking of you and sending my best thoughts and hopes...

Much love...
Hilda >^..^<
post #14 of 27
Oh Fran, you certainly dont need any more of this sort of news

I have been thinking a lot about your question about how to tell your mum I was just wondering what is the normal way your family communicates this sort of information ? I totally understand what some others have said about "face-to-face" but I also think it depends on how things normally work in your family. When something "happens" in my family it is normally communicated by that might shock some people but we are not a close family and this is perfectly normal for us.

I suppose I´m trying to say is what would your parents expect ?

I am thinking of you and sending positive ((((( vibes ))))) and I am sure you will work something out. Whatever it is your parents will know you had good intentions at heart
post #15 of 27
I think it is perfectly natural that you were more upset by Amber's death than by that of some old man you hardly knew, Amber was your age, and that alone gave you much in common. I don't think you are being horrible at all.
As for your Mother, you have been given good advice about that, it is her problem, not your's if she is going to drink she will and nothing you can say or do will make any difference.
post #16 of 27
Oh sweetie - what a year! Y'all have been through so much.

As to informing your mom - I assume the funeral has already taken place, so it's not like she'll miss it if you don't tell her know. I'd wait to see how things are going to work out with work. If you'll be able to see your mum within a few weeks to a month or so, I'd wait to tell her in person. It would really help her to have someone there with her, I think. I don't know what steps your mom is taking to combat the alcoholism, or how committe she is to it, or what kind of support group she has. I think all of this should be taken into consideration by you. But something like this could be really hard, and so if she doesn't have a strong support group, it would be best to let her know in person, so she's got love and support right there.


post #17 of 27
My best wishes and vibes to you. I think your reaction to your uncle's death is quite normal. I would have a hard time mourning someone that I hardly knew and had learned was abusive. I hope all goes well with your mother. Please remember to take care of yourself too.
post #18 of 27
I am so sorry that you are having a hard time right now. I wish I could take away some of the hurt.
Just know that you have a hillbilly friend who is praying for you.HUGS!!!
post #19 of 27
Would not her own sister have contacted her by now???
Most of Neil's aunts and uncles have passed away and since I never knew really any of them I never grieved for them or went to their funerals. Several times we never knew about their passing until after the fact.
I agree that when you hear of someones' passing that is close to your age I think you tend to think a bit differently about it.
Hugs to you....
post #20 of 27
Like other have already advised, I think it's best that you tell her in person or over the phone. A letter really is not a very nice way to find out about something like that. Also if your talking to her over the phone you'll be there to comfort her as the shock sets in.

My thoughts are with you and your family during this difficult time. Best Wishes.
post #21 of 27
Sending prayers from Mississippi that you find the right words to say to tell your mom.
post #22 of 27
Thread Starter 
I didnt tell her we had moved, she thought my mother was still at the old address and sent a letter there, and we didnt foward her address at the post office. I dont know if the landlord will eventually give us all the letters that were there?

Its really complicated, she was supposed to come here last may, and then cancelled on the last minute. I had asked her to come here anyway my mother would have loved to see her even with a black eye! She wouldnt come and i left it at that, she moved into her sons place, his wife had a baby so she was looking after it while they went to work. She sold up the house and filed for divorce. She didnt have an email address anymore because she used the one with her internet provider. She stopped calling... and sending letters. We moved in November and that was it!

I hadnt heard from her since late may so i have no idea what went on then!

Originally Posted by GailC View Post
Would not her own sister have contacted her by now???
Most of Neil's aunts and uncles have passed away and since I never knew really any of them I never grieved for them or went to their funerals. Several times we never knew about their passing until after the fact.
I agree that when you hear of someones' passing that is close to your age I think you tend to think a bit differently about it.
Hugs to you....
post #23 of 27
Fran, I feel for you and all this you have to deal with. I agree that face to face is best, though that is harder for you. I hope it all works out better than you fear.
post #24 of 27
You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
post #25 of 27
Oh Fran.......sending lots of vibes..........
post #26 of 27
Fran- there isn't much more I can add thats already been said, but I'm sending my prayers to you and your family
post #27 of 27
I can only offer you support. I have no idea of what the best way to break the news to your mom.
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