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Just need to vent....

post #1 of 25
Thread Starter 
I have never posted anything like this, but I really need to talk to someone and I just can't talk to anyone around me for one reason or another.

So, yesterday, I was checking my bf email to see if the college he had applied to had responded yet (he knew about me checking). Well, I accidently clicked on one of his emails and found out that he has been corresponding wih one of his ex's. That's fine-- I wasn't jealous or anything like that, she's a high school ex and we have both been out of high school for 10 years. Some of the stuff that he was talking to her about didn't seem quite right though. He remembered their anniversary and stuff like that so I was a little suspicious and read the emails that he sent to her. To sum it up, he told her that he was seeing "some girl" and that there were "no strings attached". What?!! Silly me, I thought that since we live together and had talked about getting married and having kids that there were some strings.

Long story short, I told him that he was an SOB and that I was not staying with him. Unfortunately, we live together and unless he moves out, we have to stay here. I have already signed a lease at another apartment for May and can't really go anywhere now. This is not a new relationship by any means; we've been together for 3 years and we're both almost 30 so I thought that there would be a little more maturity in our relationship, but I guess I was wrong. Do you guys think that I overreacted?
post #2 of 25
You didn't overreact at all. In fact, you did the right thing. Anyone who was committed to you would never have written or said anything like that about you...especially to an ex. Stick to your guns. It is the first step towards finding the right person for you.

Sorry you're hurting, though.
post #3 of 25
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by clixpix View Post
You didn't overreact at all. In fact, you did the right thing. Anyone who was committed to you would never have written or said anything like that about you...especially to an ex. Stick to your guns. It is the first step towards finding the right person for you.

Sorry you're hurting, though.
Thank you! Reading your post made me cry about it for the first time so I guess it was a good thing for me to write about it.
post #4 of 25
I don't think you overreacted. It's better to find some things out now rather than later. Do you have a friend or family that you could move in with until May? Staying there with him now could be rather awkward.

There is the possibility that he was going through the 'man who is talking about getting married, but what could have happened with the one that got away syndrome". Women do this too. You track down your exes, see what they are up to and if there are still feelings there. It wouldn't mean that he doesn't still love you, but he wouldn't tell HER that, because he's trying to get at her true feelings. I'm not trying to excuse his actions, just saying I have seen this before many times.

Of course if he has been in contact with her for some time now, that's a different story.

Either way, you have to ask yourself if you are comportable spending your life with someone who would go behind your back and deceive you. Do the good memories outweigh this? Can you fully trust him again?

Good luck to you.
post #5 of 25
OMG! I'm so sorry. I wish I had some advice for you but all I can do is listen and give you .

I hope you figure out something. I can't believe he did something like that to you.
post #6 of 25
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by emily_325 View Post
Either way, you have to ask yourself if you are comportable spending your life with someone who would go behind your back and deceive you. Do the good memories outweigh this? Can you fully trust him again?
I don't fully trust him and don't think that I could again because I have been asking him if he really wants to stay with me or if iis just convenient. I got the whole "no, baby, I love you! I'm staying because of you!" You don't tell anyone else, esp. an ex, that its "just some girl, no strings attached" if you love them. We actually broke up last summer, but mostly it was because I am incredibly stressed now because I am in Nursing school and working very close to full time. He should have just told me then that he didn't want to get back with me then. All of this after I offered to pay for his school and basically be his sugar momma! Thank god this all happened now I guess!
post #7 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by pipersjo View Post
I don't fully trust him and don't think that I could again because I have been asking him if he really wants to stay with me or if iis just convenient. I got the whole "no, baby, I love you! I'm staying because of you!" You don't tell anyone else, esp. an ex, that its "just some girl, no strings attached" if you love them. We actually broke up last summer, but mostly it was because I am incredibly stressed now because I am in Nursing school and working very close to full time. He should have just told me then that he didn't want to get back with me then. All of this after I offered to pay for his school and basically be his sugar momma! Thank god this all happened now I guess!
post #8 of 25
You didn't overreact at all. I would dump him and get him out of your life as soon as possible. He wouldn't have said that if he really cared and if he wasn't planning on trying to hook up with his ex.
post #9 of 25
Awe

I don't think you over reacted at all. You were brave and strong in the situation and you deserve better than "Just a girl, no strings attached".

I'm sending you some positive vibes and I hope you can figure out where to go from here.
post #10 of 25
I am so sorry you are hurting right now.

Let's ask some questions and see if we can find a way out of this.

Are both of you signed up on the lease, or is it only one?

If you are the only one on the lease out he goes.

If both of you are on the lease, it gets a little more complicated, because both of you are responsible for paying the rent.

If YOU are not on the lease, is there somewhere or somebody you can move in with until your new apartment is ready?

Can your new apartment be ready sooner?

Can you move back with your parents for just a few months?

Is there anything else of a legal nature that both your names are on? If so you need to take steps to get your name off that legal document.

I know that you are upset right now, but if you want out, these are some of the things you will need to consider.

Soooothing headbuts and sorry, calming licks from KittenKiya's Clan. If we can help you in any way, just meow.
post #11 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by pipersjo View Post
I don't fully trust him and don't think that I could again...
I guess your choice is to try to learn to trust him again, or not. My experience has shown me that guys who do this, do it more than once. Follow your heart and you won't go wrong.

Cheers, from
SwampWitch
post #12 of 25
Thread Starter 
Thank you to everyone who posted! You don't even know how much better just hearing from all of you has made me feel! I have to go to work now, but I appreciate everything everyone has said to me and all of the questions that have been posted to help me think. You guys are wonderful!
post #13 of 25
If you're ever tempted to trust him again, you just have to ask yourself what he was trying to accomplish by saying those things? It wasn't to get closer to you, or to commit to you. He was saying those things to feel her out. After three years, you deserve better.

KittenKiya has some good questions/options.

Concentrate on you and your career and schooling.

I don't know if you realize yet that you're going to be okay. You are. You're strong...you've proven that already by breaking up with him.
post #14 of 25
Not only do I think you did the right thing, I think that this couldn't have happened at a better time for you. You didn't put any money down on his schooling, you don't have a house, or a ring yet so it looks like you can walk away relatively unscathed. Take stock of what you have, and look at your options. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders.
post #15 of 25
I'm sorry you are going through this, but like the others, it's best you find out now.

My daughter, age 37, is going through a miserable marriage. When they first married 12 yrs. ago, it seemed perfect in every way. No way would I have ever thought they would have any problems. Her husband was 1 of 6 boys and very family oriented. But a few years ago he strayed. The affair is now over, but the trust has been breached to the point that I don't think they can recover. Sadly they have 2 small children.

The point is that if there are trust issues now, the situation won't improve with marriage. I am guessing that you've discussed marriage and you are ready, but he isn't. If that is the case, he may never be ready. Don't waste any more time with someone who doesn't worship you! If he has to be talked into marriage, then he isn't the right one.
post #16 of 25
Wow, he's pretty sick to email that sort of stuff and ALLOW you to check his email. Either he got a thrill out of that or it was some sick way of trying to dump you.

I would try staying with a friend or a family member until May. Place all your stuff in storage, and stay with someone. Anyone. Otherwise its 4 months of spending it in a bitter and hostile situation.
post #17 of 25
I have learned the hard way... if they cheat or give serious thought to cheating, they WILL do it again. I had a boyfriend who cheated on me. I was dumb and took him back. He did it again. I wasn't so dumb the second time around.

LEAVE him and don't look back. You will find a better man who will treat you the way you should be. You made the right choice.
post #18 of 25
OMG hun I am so sorry. You didn't overreact at all. You don't have time to be wasting your life with someone like this. You deserve much better..That guy is bad news..

Really, I am sorry. I am proud of you for having the guts to leave. Alot of women wouldn't.
post #19 of 25
When I was waiting for my second husband's divorce to come through so we could marry, I discovered that he had been talking and flirting with someone he worked with, asked her out and had told her that he was getting divorced. When she asked why, he just shrugged and said it hadn't worked out. And I was 5 months pregnant and we had been living together for two years! I was foolish enough, partly because of the baby, to forgive him, but later he cheated on me more than once, until we ended up having separate lives. Get out now, while you can.
post #20 of 25
I don't think you over reacted either, I would try and move somewheres else for now, I also think that it was best that you found out now what he was doing.

I am sending some hugs from Mississippi for you. I hope it helps.

post #21 of 25
Thread Starter 
Thanks everyone. I ended up not coming back to our apartment last night--I just stayed at a motel. I didn't have any internet so I couldn't resond earlier. This has got to be one of the hardest things that I have ever gone through relationship-wise. I want to forgive him so badly and just have things the same again. Grrr! Even remembering what he said and being mad, I still want too!
post #22 of 25
We all want things to be different at times, but they aren't, and it is the people whom we can't change, unfortunately. You are being very, very brave and we are all here for you. So many of us have been through this kind of thing, we are not old and bitter and twisted, we just know that you deserve better treatment and somewhere there is someone who will give it to you. Keep going, you will get through.
post #23 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by pipersjo View Post
Thanks everyone. I ended up not coming back to our apartment last night--I just stayed at a motel. I didn't have any internet so I couldn't resond earlier. This has got to be one of the hardest things that I have ever gone through relationship-wise. I want to forgive him so badly and just have things the same again. Grrr! Even remembering what he said and being mad, I still want too!

Hang in there, just remember that there are lots of people here supporting you, you hafta be strong right now. I just don't know if you went back to him if things would be different.
post #24 of 25
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by LSULOVER View Post
Hang in there, just remember that there are lots of people here supporting you, you hafta be strong right now. I just don't know if you went back to him if things would be different.
Thank you . I doubt it would be different or if it was, it would only be for a little while. We talked for an hour last night on the phone (I broke down--the weather was snowy, roads were crappy, and I wanted him to worry about me when I just didn't come home, but he never called me!). It was childish of me, but I guess I was kind of testing him and when he didn't call, I kinda got mad. I told him last night that I don't think that I could ever trust him again and I cannot believe a word that comes out of his mouth because he lied to me for so long about how he felt.

After all that, I still feel like part of me is gone. I DON'T want too end up like my mom forgiving every little thing (and every big thing like cheating!), but I don't want to become to hardened again. He was the one that helped to open up again after being hurt. Guess it goes to show, even someone you thought was helping can hurt you.
post #25 of 25
IMO, you are better off without the jerk! He cheated once, he's gonna do it again. It hurts, it stinks, & you are fearful of what you might become, but leaving him might be the best thing for you to do. We're all here for you
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