- Joined
- Aug 20, 2006
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I thought i'd have a bit of a feeling sorry for myself rant as my heart hasn't been in my replies properly even though i try to be cheerful online. I have to say i have the best list of things to go wrong to my body in one day. Last week we had severe heat and i ended up getting some sort of heat stroke. Endless headaches and fatigue, i stretched out my neck and shoulders from all the flipping over in bed trying to sleep through the high temperatures. I was at the point of not even wanting to move or do something simple like brush my teeth or talk to people, something fried my brain. Just as i thought i was recovering from it, last week i woke up with one side of my throat inflamed and sore and my gum and jaw on the other side puffed up and in excruciating pain from a wisdom tooth coming up in a funny angle. Apart from the endless sharp headaches still coming from the hot weather i have also been freaking out the last 5 days that i could be pregnant. My stomach has not been sick, or having that weird empty feeling (even though i have actually lost interest in food but have gone past the point of feeling hungry and light headed) it felt like i had been punched in the torso or had done a million sit ups. I haven't been spotting but been getting really faint pinkish discharge which (usually light bleeding will be the day before or on the day it's due) After all the research and everything the bleeding sounded like attachment bleeding (once the foetus has latched onto the placenta). I haven't wanted to throw up but i have had this queezy feeling as well.
There is a bit more blood and it's only the last 8 hrs or so that ive been a bit more relaxed and i think i am just being too overboard, and everything will be fine (just so you know the big reasons why a child would be bad for me atm - i am not physically prepared (i want a child in a few years not now so i can focus more on my health to get ready)) i am looking for work, even though Tristan works, we both live with our parents, and....my dad believes in not having sex before marriage and that abortion is a big NO (even in the extreme case of say a 12 year old being assaulted, can't carry a baby for 9 months and be a normal child and live a happy life without regret or fear or nightmares, dad wants nothing more to do with that conversation and quotes the 'thou shall not kill' thing) dad has said to me a million times that i would be extremely stupid and ignorant to have sex before marriage (so ive always denied it or laughed it off when hes mentioned it) and if i ever got pregnant he would kick me out of the house (i am 23 next month btw) - he doesnt even work, mum is the one who works and i pitch in with money. He has no right to tell me things like that.
A couple of weeks before xmas 2006 i stared seing a counseller. For some reason i kissed Tristan on just another normal day and my brain shut down. I didnt feel those 'tingles' and a whole chain of thoughts ended up in me spending a couple of weeks curled up in a ball saying that i was out of love with him and i had not a clue why and i felt like killing myself, because i thought i was going to spend the rest of my life with him. I couldn't even feel normal kissing or holding him i kept pushing him away. I felt sick. The counseller eventually put it down to self esteem. She said of my past experiences made me have big trust issues. My brain put up a wall that i couldn't prevent, protecting myself from any disappointment or breakup with Tristan. So i didnt actually feel any emotions or care at all what happened to me or us. Even dad tried drilling into my head that if i kept 'being silly' how long did i expect Tristan to stick around and did i want to be on this earth etc, but even that didnt work, i just felt numb. So once i cried it all out to the counseller she said i obviousely still loved Tristan on the inside because i kept saying i was worried about hurting him and losing him even though it was very hard to dig anything up. He came to one of the sessions with me (ive only been 4 or 5 times so far, it sonce a week) and was SO supportive, even though if it was me, i would feel horrible and wonder what i did wrong if he fell out of love with me (i told him a million times he did nothing wrong to reassure him, even though i felt nothing). Needless to say we decided to see less of eachother to give eachother space, and start dating again instead of just seeing eachother almost every day and me sleeoing at his house (when we met we pretty much jumped into a relationship and were pretty intimate soon into it). Now about six weeks later i am almost back to normal, and not dreading spending a week away with him for my birthday/valentines (i was worried about ruining it and not being affectionate enough because of sorting through my problems) Tristan has put up with so much, i tend to get more emotional and worried than other people. So now i am just waiting for my body to go back to normal and hope (and pray and beg) i get my period.
Most of you (or all) dont know, but my rational of a problem is 'freak out completly till you know everything is okay'. Tristan has been listening to me be like this the last week and been so supportive. I have been breaking down like a basket case and soaking his shirts with my tears. I know that alot of you guys have been through so much more, but i really needed to vent,.
Sorry it is such a long thread. I've been emotionally and mentally screwed up with all of this and needed to let it all out. Thanks
There is a bit more blood and it's only the last 8 hrs or so that ive been a bit more relaxed and i think i am just being too overboard, and everything will be fine (just so you know the big reasons why a child would be bad for me atm - i am not physically prepared (i want a child in a few years not now so i can focus more on my health to get ready)) i am looking for work, even though Tristan works, we both live with our parents, and....my dad believes in not having sex before marriage and that abortion is a big NO (even in the extreme case of say a 12 year old being assaulted, can't carry a baby for 9 months and be a normal child and live a happy life without regret or fear or nightmares, dad wants nothing more to do with that conversation and quotes the 'thou shall not kill' thing) dad has said to me a million times that i would be extremely stupid and ignorant to have sex before marriage (so ive always denied it or laughed it off when hes mentioned it) and if i ever got pregnant he would kick me out of the house (i am 23 next month btw) - he doesnt even work, mum is the one who works and i pitch in with money. He has no right to tell me things like that.
A couple of weeks before xmas 2006 i stared seing a counseller. For some reason i kissed Tristan on just another normal day and my brain shut down. I didnt feel those 'tingles' and a whole chain of thoughts ended up in me spending a couple of weeks curled up in a ball saying that i was out of love with him and i had not a clue why and i felt like killing myself, because i thought i was going to spend the rest of my life with him. I couldn't even feel normal kissing or holding him i kept pushing him away. I felt sick. The counseller eventually put it down to self esteem. She said of my past experiences made me have big trust issues. My brain put up a wall that i couldn't prevent, protecting myself from any disappointment or breakup with Tristan. So i didnt actually feel any emotions or care at all what happened to me or us. Even dad tried drilling into my head that if i kept 'being silly' how long did i expect Tristan to stick around and did i want to be on this earth etc, but even that didnt work, i just felt numb. So once i cried it all out to the counseller she said i obviousely still loved Tristan on the inside because i kept saying i was worried about hurting him and losing him even though it was very hard to dig anything up. He came to one of the sessions with me (ive only been 4 or 5 times so far, it sonce a week) and was SO supportive, even though if it was me, i would feel horrible and wonder what i did wrong if he fell out of love with me (i told him a million times he did nothing wrong to reassure him, even though i felt nothing). Needless to say we decided to see less of eachother to give eachother space, and start dating again instead of just seeing eachother almost every day and me sleeoing at his house (when we met we pretty much jumped into a relationship and were pretty intimate soon into it). Now about six weeks later i am almost back to normal, and not dreading spending a week away with him for my birthday/valentines (i was worried about ruining it and not being affectionate enough because of sorting through my problems) Tristan has put up with so much, i tend to get more emotional and worried than other people. So now i am just waiting for my body to go back to normal and hope (and pray and beg) i get my period.
Most of you (or all) dont know, but my rational of a problem is 'freak out completly till you know everything is okay'. Tristan has been listening to me be like this the last week and been so supportive. I have been breaking down like a basket case and soaking his shirts with my tears. I know that alot of you guys have been through so much more, but i really needed to vent,.
Sorry it is such a long thread. I've been emotionally and mentally screwed up with all of this and needed to let it all out. Thanks
