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'jealousy' relationship question

post #1 of 21
Thread Starter 
Hi guys and gals.

I just have a quick - opinion type question for you and I won't make the thread back story too long.

1. my DH does not have a lot of self-confidence
2. his relationship previous to this one was riddled with infidelity and lieing (the girl)
3. we began our loving relationship a bit rocky because of his low self-confidence coming out of his other relationship (2 years earlier)
4. we moved in and all was great
5. i met up with some online friends of 3 years to meet john williams; i had originally bought tickets etc. for my boyfriend (DH) to go but he couldn't so i took a girlfriend. the online friends were all men. . . he was nervous but ended up getting over it
6. we got married
7. i have a student teacher who is male
8. i was out once this week for illness and 2 times i had to take my babies to the vet which left me with the choice of reviewing the week with him and planning for next week after school.
9. i couldn't meet with the teacher until 9.20 - we met at borders and i was home at 10:05. I had asked DH to go with me - but he had a long day and declined.

= DH kind of upset.

How should I handle this nicely and productively? I have nightmares when ever we 'fight'. I don't want to blow it out of proportion but I need for my hubby to know that I had to meet with this teacher so I could not feel guilty this whole weekend. I also want him to know that I love him - and I'd like for him to try to 'chill' with the jealousy bit.
post #2 of 21
I think that you've done all that you can. If you were willing to invite him along, you obviously have nothing to hide. He needs to get over his jealousy, or the relationship will never work.
post #3 of 21
hmmm, tough one I'm in a similar type relationship, but this guy is just a friend and multiple your DH's jealousy by 1000 anywoo, I don't really think there is anything you can do beyong what you already do, as in invite him along, etc. These are his own demons, maybe he would consider counseling? my friend has major previous relationship hang-ups, what jealous guys don't seem to realize is this kind of irrational behavior drives us away from them I'm sorry you're having to deal with it
post #4 of 21
Thread Starter 
well i think he's trying to not let it bother him, but i just know him so well that i can tell. my dad said that i 'better not do it again and better reassure him'

that's fine and dandy, i don't want to have to work on teaching stuff again on a friday night, but the reassuring part. . . .how far do i really want/need to go?????
post #5 of 21
Jealousy is a weak emotion. I broke up with my ex because of it.. I will never date another person who is jealous.

To me it isn't acceptable. But if everything else in your relationship is good, then I guess just talk with him and be honest..Let him know that he needs to trust you and trust that you will not stray. Jealousy is about being self concsious, he subconcsiously feels like he is not good enough for you and thinks someone better will some along. Yada yada.

He needs to trust you, bottom line.
post #6 of 21
love the comment by your dad, not do what again? work? but then you have to consider its coming from a male perspective. Honestly if DH is trying not to let it show and didn't actually say anything, to me, that is a great step unless he specifically says anything, than I really wouldn't worry, if he did say something, and you invited him and he declined, I'd personally tell him to stuff it, but that's just me that usually works on my friend, I will invite him, because I know he won't come anyway, and that seems to pacify him I mean geez, what exactly does he think you're gonna do in less than hour?
post #7 of 21
Thread Starter 
i don't think my hubby ACTUALLY thinks that I would do anything and that must be why he tries to hide his emotions. When I think about it, perhaps he's just jealous . . . .um i don't know. . . .that he's not young? that he's not my student teacher? i guess I really don't know. I definitely don't think he's going to bed worried that I cheated on him, or worried that i would. . .

I think he must be going to bed wondering if he's good enough . . . .intellectually, sexually i just don't know. . . .

men are like cats. . .

they can't tell you what's wrong
and
you don't find out until it's progressed into something that can only be treated with needles.
post #8 of 21
First of all, this isn't your problem, it's his!

You aren't responsible for his low self esteem or his insecurities.

You aren't sneaking around behind his back or making up lies to cover up stuff. You have been inviting him along and he's been declining. You have nothing to feel bad or guilty about.

I'm sorry to say that abusive relationships often start out with the husband being upset and jealous and making the woman feel guilty for no reason and her having to choose to be around friends or family or to stay home with her "DH" because of the guilt he lays on her or because he gets upset. It's referred to as "Islolating", where the woman ends up giving up her friends and family in lieu of her "DH" in order to make him happy and not get upset or jealous. It's all part of the abuse cycle.

It sounds to me that this man doesn't have a great deal of trust in you even though you have not given him any reason to not trust you. He's transferring his past baggage that he's been carrying around onto you and that's not right. He needs to get into counselling and learn how to let go of his old baggage and he needs to get help for his self esteen issues. There are lots of books out there about building self esteen. Probably lots of internet articles too.

Don't get sucked in. These are his issues and he needs to learn how to manage them on his own.
post #9 of 21
Quote:
Originally Posted by Renovia View Post
men are like cats. . .

they can't tell you what's wrong
and
you don't find out until it's progressed into something that can only be treated with needles.
What a wonderfully accurate insight

I like your dad's advice - all relationships have their weak points; if you're gonna be in one, it takes insight, thoughtfulness, compassion and often being the one to take the "higher road". Sounds like you're a great catch - your DH is sooo fortunate to have you!! What a treasure, esp. compared to the cheating, lying loser that he had before
post #10 of 21
Quote:
Originally Posted by Trouts mom View Post
Jealousy is a weak emotion. I broke up with my ex because of it.. I will never date another person who is jealous.

To me it isn't acceptable. But if everything else in your relationship is good, then I guess just talk with him and be honest..Let him know that he needs to trust you and trust that you will not stray. Jealousy is about being self concsious, he subconcsiously feels like he is not good enough for you and thinks someone better will some along. Yada yada.

He needs to trust you, bottom line.
I agree with what Natalie has said. When you marry someone- you trust them. He sounds like he has had some bad experiences in his past that still need to be addressed. I would suggest (kindly) couseling or something along those lines so that he can begin to address those past issues and why he as trust issues- this cannot continue. You are his wife and he should be able to trust you. I think you've done the right thing by inviting him along and trying to be supportive. You are a good wife Hang in there- try getting him in to speak with someone about how ya'll can build up trust between the two of you
post #11 of 21
Quote:
Originally Posted by Renovia View Post
well i think he's trying to not let it bother him, but i just know him so well that i can tell. my dad said that i 'better not do it again and better reassure him'

that's fine and dandy, i don't want to have to work on teaching stuff again on a friday night, but the reassuring part. . . .how far do i really want/need to go?????
That strikes me, personally, as very bad advice - of course you should be supportive of DH, and try to acknowledge his weaknesses/faults (we all have them), but 'don't do it again'? Not only is that sort of disrespectful to you as a full person whose choices should not be narrowed as a result of someone else's jealousy, but it is also unhelpful to DH - it enables him instead of challenging him to grow - and if he's trying to be understanding, then he's already trying to grow.

In any case, it's not like it was something you wanted to do - it's part of your job. Honestly, I wouldn't do too much reassuring. It smacks of "she doth protest too much". You've explained, maybe even apologised for any inconvience? That's enough. Reward his trying not to let it bother him by helping let the matter drop. Normal life doesn't require a lot of discussion.
post #12 of 21
Quote:
Originally Posted by Satai View Post
That strikes me, personally, as very bad advice - of course you should be supportive of DH, and try to acknowledge his weaknesses/faults (we all have them), but 'don't do it again'? Not only is that sort of disrespectful to you as a full person whose choices should not be narrowed as a result of someone else's jealousy, but it is also unhelpful to DH - it enables him instead of challenging him to grow - and if he's trying to be understanding, then he's already trying to grow.
I want to add to the part I highlighted in red.

That "don't do it again" also means you are taking the blame for your husband's insecurities. The problem is his, not yours.

Yes, be supportive, but don't take the blame for his insecurity and don't let his insecurity brow beat you into giving up things and people that you like to spend time with out of fear of making him jealous.

I suggest consulting a marriage counsellor so that he can discuss his trust issues.

The bottom line is without trust there is no relationship because a marriage is built on trust. If it's not there how can you have a successful relationship?
post #13 of 21
Part of modern Western life is that when we work we have colleagues and commitments that involve us in being with males/females other than our partners. We have to be grown-up enough to trust our SOs to do their jobs and be pleasant without carrying it any further. This if necessary has to include a certain amount of socialising and one-to-one meetings. If a spouse/partner cannot accept this then I could not live with that person. But it sounds like your DH is recognising things in himself that maybe he does not like and is trying to come to terms with his feelings. What you must not do at this stage is compromise or it could escalate. Show him you love him and trust him but do everything you have to do to do your job and live your own life as a grown-up to-be-trusted person and show that you expect his trust too. That means not continually apologising or explaining. Nip this in the bud before it goes too far. I have lived with a jealous person and it is no fun.
post #14 of 21
This sounds like my ex the one i was engaged with!

He has the nerve to call me up when he doesnt see me online to ask where i am and what im doing!
post #15 of 21
Thread Starter 
i wanted to thank everyone for their input on my mini-dilemma. DH had been out all day on Friday where he was a guest conductor, and I could tell he was stressed. He also is getting sick (what I have). This hasn't happened in a LOOOOOOOOONG time and today was completely fine.

I think the route I'm going to take is not apologize and let him work things out like he's trying.
post #16 of 21
Sounds like a good plan of action.

It's up to hubby to address his own insecurities, and embrace your honesty with him...
post #17 of 21
Thread Starter 
thank you, i think that may be what works for now. this is the first time it's cropped up in many years and I could tell he was trying to deal with it. . . .
post #18 of 21
Jealosy is really hard to deal with. My last relationship, my boyfriend cheated, lied- everything, and I was with him for almost a total of 5 years. Of course I was the worst person with jealous ways, but I had a reason, I was getting messed over, and in a hard way.
Now, I'm in a relationship where John would never dream of doing that to me, like you would never dream of doing to your DH. BUT... I still have issues. Its something that sticks with you for along time once you've had to deal with it in a previous relationship, like I did. I still get jeleous, but its hard, I try to shake it-but its still there, like a warning, or a guard, telling you that its happened once, it'll happen again. Thats how it is for me anyways.

I know you would NEVER hurt your DH, and he should know that, justl ike I know John wouldn't hurt me either. But sometimes those previous feelings never go away, they always stay with you. Its happening to me, and I wish I knew how to deal with those past demons.

Here I am crying over this post! It just brings back all those feelings to think about it and how it felt- I'm sure your DH has those same feelings.

My only suggestion is to tell him that you did invite him with, so its not your fault- since you ARE involving him with those situations. Talk it out with him, let him voice his opinions (in a nice, decent matter of course). I know you've probably had to tell him over and over again that nothing happened, nothing would happen-but sometimes hearing it all those times helps. It does for me anyways.

Best of luck with everything We're all here for you hun.
post #19 of 21
I see this from the other side like Mackenzie. Having been cheated on and lied to for many, many years, I have trouble getting over my "jealous" ways. So when I'm quiet or pensive, and my DH realizes it's because he was late home from work, or something pretty small to him, but worrisome to me, he goes out of his way to do nice little things - say "I love you" or smile, or make me a cup of coffee. I'm sorry you have to go through that, especially since you're not the one who caused it.

Was there any option to invite the colleague to your home while DH was there? Maybe you wouldn't want to go there either. But he would see just how boring a thing you were doing...
post #20 of 21
He really needs to figure this out on his own. He needs to see when he gets upset and recognize that you're not his ex and that you're not going to hurt him.

If he's still holding issues from his last relationship, he really needs to work through it. You aren't doing anything wrong. He's just seeing "signs" or queues from his last relationship. Once he recognizes what he's doing then he can go from there. but this is something he needs to figure out on his own.
post #21 of 21
Thread Starter 
I had thought about inviting him to my home but since it was so late I was trying to be thoughtful and pick a spot halfway between our houses.
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