Need to vent...

All the advice given is good, read all of it, maybe print it out and make notes.

Here are a few comments from me, a male.

A few years ago, I was out of work and most of the bills were being paid by my fiancee. I felt bad about that, so I got a temp job to help. I felt better about myself, and felt a little less dependant with part of the money coming to the household, being supplied by me. I had my resume with several recruiters, and I went on it seems like 20 interviews. The job I have now was from one of those interviews. The salary and some help from family, have helped me get my bills in check. I worked long and hard getting my credit controlled.


Enough about me, here is my opinion on your situation.

You may need to sit down with your husband, and go over your thoughts and his. You need to set a deadline, that by a certain date (perhaps 2 months, don't go over 4 months), either he will have a job to help fiancially, or you will begin steps to cut your losses. He doesn't need to know what exactly "cut your losses" means, but it may get him thinking his free ride is coming to an end. If that deadline comes and goes, I think you need to talk with anyone you can about the steps for getting a seperation. I would hate it if comes to that stage, but the main person you need to take care of, is you.


I hope everything works out. You know this board is full of people that will listen, and I am sure you have many phone numbers from people here who you can call just to talk.

The most important person to you should be you.

That is very good advice Fuzzy! I think maybe my advice was a little overboard...it is good to get a male's point of view. Heidi, if you want to talk I can PM my number, but I don't want to add a long distance call to your bills either, but if you need me, I am here.

Deb. My comment "God does not hand us more than we can handle" was meant to try to send some strength to Heidi. I still believe this is true. Whenever we feel life is hopeless, somehow, we find strength to carry on. There is definately a solution to this problem no matter how awful it sounds. The easiest way out is to place blame (which he rightly deserves). The hardest is to try to work it out.

In this situation, Heidi, I think you need to dig deep and make some decisions and know that whatever you choose to do, you are doing it for you. You are not his "mommy". You are his wife. There is a big difference. I don't believe he is grasping this.

You need a fresh start. Alone, or together...

And, no....I would not put up with it either. If my husband put us in such financial difficulties, I would definately do something about it. Alone, or together.

Thank you, everyone, for your concern and advice. Even those who think they sound harsh are just re-affirming what I have been thinking (Cindy, Deb, Debby, Fuzzy ).

We had a long talk last night. Surprisingly (to me anyway), it didn't end up a screaming match or blame game. I was right, though, he thought the whole thing was about money, and actually said "You worrying about the money all the time is ruining our marriage." So I tried to explain all the other things I have been feeling, the resentment, lack of respect, overwhemed by having to be the only one responsible for everything. Actually I said a lot of the things I had posted here, so it was good to be able to get my thoughts straightened out here so I had some good phrases to use on him. I even told him straight out that I was getting to the point of just giving up on the whole thing, and that I wasn't getting anything out of this situation and relationship right now. I think his selective hearing blocked a lot of that part out, but maybe not. He even admitted that he hadn't really been looking for a job because he was afraid to mess up his back again. I just told him that there are plenty of jobs out there that don't include heavy lifting, it's not like he was a construction worker. He's really hoping for a job that he actually did turn in an application for, at a cigarette store. At least he knows that there wouldn't be heavy lifting there. He said that he is going to be putting out applications to other places, too, as well as following up with a friend of ours who keeps telling him about HVAC related jobs.

So, I guess we'll see what comes of that. I was pretty proud of myself, though. I didn't back down, I didn't take his excuses, and I didn't even turn into an emotional wreck. I guess if reasoning doesn't work, then demands and threats are the next step. I really hope it doesn't come to that.

Thank you all again. It is so nice to have a place where we can talk about even our worst issues and get such good advice and encouragement. Thanks, also, to those who have offered to talk personally. Right now I don't have long distance, and am still fighting with the phone company for it (perhaps it's a blessing in disguise, though. At least I don't have to worry about that bill. )

I am glad things seem to be turning around some. I am glad your husband is making the effort to find work, and most likely save the marriage (and your sanity). All the fingers, paws, and claws here are crossed that it will work out.

Heidi, sounds like maybe your talk did some good! I hope! Just keep on him and don't let him slide out of it...maybe he will get a job soon!!!! I will be sending up good thoughts! I reread my post from last night and couldn't help thinking I was being a bit b*tchy but it was late at night...hotdogs and bologna for supper every night...sheesh what was I thinking? LOL

I'm fairly sure it got through, at least for now. I've been down this road before, though, and that's part of why my frustration got this bad. He apparently seems to think that taking a couple months off in between not very good jobs is OK. It usually takes me going ballistic and mental for him to get off his heiney and do something. I'm really hoping that our friend can get something for Earl in HVAC or HVAC Controls because then it would be an actual career (with training and benefits even!), instead of just another job.

I'll let you guys know what happens.

Debby, I actually did have a modified talk on the phone with him about the food thing. Although I didn't say we would have bologna and hot dogs every night, it was pretty close (mac-n-cheese and rice ). LOL

Ghys, I appreciate the sentiment, and in general I agree. I will get through this and whatever else comes along. It may not be pretty, and it may mean some tough choices, but I'll make it. My Daddy raised me to be nothing if not a survivor!

Heidi, I do hope everything turns out well. I am glad you had a chance to really talk. Coming from someone who has just gone through a rough spell (last week....) I wish you nothing but good, positive times ahead. And I'll also cross my fingers that hubby has come to realise that putting you through all of this is not healthy for either one of you.

Stay strong and stay positive!

YEAH HEIDI!!! You GO Girl! Writing was the first step. It DOES help get your thinking straightened out. Talking to Hubby and starting to make inroads that MONEY isn't so much the issue is a GREAT next step.

Getting your thinking straight is almost always the hardest part. When things aren't "all right" in our worlds, opening up that can of worms, and finding all that ugly junk we've beein carrying around with us is often the hardest part. Then you have to clean it all off (get rid of the anger) before you can start to act on it in any kind of constructive way. You've taken all those steps inside of a few days instead of months or years! Like I said before, you GO girl!!!! :tounge2:

If my experiences are at all relevent here, there'll probably be a few setbacks and rough spots along the way. Just remember, all of us are here, whenever you need us.

Sending hugs,

Laurie

...glad to hear you had a talk with him and that, at least, he is attempting to get a job. That is a start...but make sure you stick to your guns!

Don't let him apply for one job and if he doesn't get it...just give up and say oh well. Make him KEEP applying until he gets one.

Stay strong hon...you'll get through this.

Oh, and if you DO want to talk...send me your number and I'll call you.

Heidi,

I am so glad that you were able to verbalize some of the things that were bothering you with your husband. If it doesn't get out in the open, you will find yourself "emotionally divorced" from him long before the thing ends. There is some hope, and that is a good thing. I hope he takes your words to heart and begins to hold up his end. Tell him that sleeping on the street will not do his bad back any good. I did npt mean to be overly harsh or straight-forward, but the thought of you carrying this entire burden while he sits idly by just burns me up!

Being a survivor of financial problems, I know I NEVER want to be in that position again. If you need to talk, PM me. I've got your back on this one.

I've decided that if I don't see real effort in the next week with him to get a job, then the ultimatums will come out. Yesterday wasn't a real good indication of his intentions because I sent him a list a mile long of stuff he had to do (calls to make, online payments, etc.), most of which he got done, and he did do some housework. We also went to the Avalanche game last night, which kinda threw a kink into things, too.

Deb, you are so right about being "emotionally divorced" before it ends. I already feel that way sometimes. I'm hoping that if we can get through this time right now, and he realizes what's going on and makes some changes, we can start to re-build the relationship we once had.

I'm glad to hear he helped you with the housework and paid some bills for you! I am keeping good thoughts coming your way that he will find a job real soon!