I really need some vibes please...

You need to sit down and think about what is right for you. Forget what the rest of the world thinks. they will always judge you no matter what decision you make. You need to ask yourself if you are in this relationship still because its comfortable and you won't be alone so to speak. If the two of you aren't connecting like you use to and have grown apart you know what you need to do. But if there is anything in therelationship worth saving and you both want to work to save it, it can be done!

Good luck! We are here for you!

Originally Posted by Phenomsmom

You need to sit down and think about what is right for you. Forget what the rest of the world thinks. they will always judge you no matter what decision you make. You need to ask yourself if you are in this relationship still because its comfortable and you won't be alone so to speak. If the two of you aren't connecting like you use to and have grown apart you know what you need to do. But if there is anything in the relationship worth saving and you both want to work to save it, it can be done!

Good luck! We are here for you!

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Your heart will help you make the right decision.

Originally Posted by clixpix

Ari, I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time. Plenty of good vibes and prayers coming your way.

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Originally Posted by pinkdaisy226

That's my biggest fear... well that and ending up alone. I'm hoping to work things out, I think I want to, but he seems to give up. Saying that I've been unhappy for so long and that we've already tried. Which we haven't.
I wish it were that easy. Part of me thinks that I have been unhappy for so long. Part of me wants to try to work this out. Part of me worries that I want to try work this out only because I feel guilty for making him feel bad (tho now he's making me feel bad so that part is ending). The rest of me worries about what every one will think, the cost of the wedding, our wedding pictures, having to divide things in our house, who does Jordan belong to, how will I afford to buy a car when I owe so much money...

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this is not the time to think about those things. 1st off, being alone isn't that bad - don't dread it, especially since it may not even happen. if the break does come, you can worry about those things then. don't borrow trouble, so to speak.
i agree - you should see a counselor of some type. since money is tight, you should look around at the local churches. many offer free counseling to couples going thru difficult times. if you can't find one, PM me, & i'll ask my sister for some recommendations from when she lived there.

What in your opinion do you think you COULD do to make this situation right with each other? If it takes counseling, then go to counseling. If it means a trial separation, perhaps that's something else to try, without actually legally separating or divorcing. If it means taking more time to really discover what is in your heart, then take all the time you need.

I guess the point of my post is to remind you that marriage is hard...at times it can be REALLY hard. To me, marriage is all about thick and thin, and everything in between, but only if you value the relationship enough to put forth the type of work required that is necessary in maintaining the marriage, and GROWING WITH EACH OTHER, rather than apart. If for some reason, a voice inside of you is telling you that this type of work will NOT help you to grow together and move forward, and that everything is destined to disintegrate...then, I could see why you wouldn't be willing to give it a shot. Living life with another person is a huge up and down rollercoaster...and the highs and lows are all a part of the journey...BUT, it's only worth getting on the ride, if the person means enough to you.

I hope that wasn't too confusing. Don't think I'm pressuring you to stay in a marriage if your heart is telling you not to. Ultimately, this is YOUR rollercoaster ride. But, I think it would be wise to at least give it your all, and if that doesn't work, you'll be satisfied with the knowledge that an effort was made.

Hang in there! I was in your shoes before but we weren't married. We were together for 5 years and thought we would marry. We took time apart for 3 years. He was so hurt. We both moved on but one day I realized how much I missed him and needed him. We both took those 3 years to change while apart and found each other back together. We have been back for 3 years and were married in April.

It's tough to actually end it but you need it. If it is meant to be you will find each other again.

Originally Posted by wookie130

What in your opinion do you think you COULD do to make this situation right with each other? If it takes counseling, then go to counseling. If it means a trial separation, perhaps that's something else to try, without actually legally separating or divorcing. If it means taking more time to really discover what is in your heart, then take all the time you need.

I guess the point of my post is to remind you that marriage is hard...at times it can be REALLY hard. To me, marriage is all about thick and thin, and everything in between, but only if you value the relationship enough to put forth the type of work required that is necessary in maintaining the marriage, and GROWING WITH EACH OTHER, rather than apart. If for some reason, a voice inside of you is telling you that this type of work will NOT help you to grow together and move forward, and that everything is destined to disintegrate...then, I could see why you wouldn't be willing to give it a shot. Living life with another person is a huge up and down rollercoaster...and the highs and lows are all a part of the journey...BUT, it's only worth getting on the ride, if the person means enough to you.

I hope that wasn't too confusing. Don't think I'm pressuring you to stay in a marriage if your heart is telling you not to. Ultimately, this is YOUR rollercoaster ride. But, I think it would be wise to at least give it your all, and if that doesn't work, you'll be satisfied with the knowledge that an effort was made.

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I wish I knew what I needed. I think a trial separation would never work for me because, whenever I "took a break" with an ex in the past, I'd always end up calling/wanting to see him and then we'd end up right back where we started. You get so used to telling this one person everything and then all of a sudden you don't have anyone to talk to? But that never meant I want to be back together, just that I needed a friend...

As for counseling, he came home from work and suggested it today. The idea makes me leery (I have nothing against those that seek it, I just know myself... they could tell me to do something that I wouldn't want to do and, even if it makes sense and is the right thing to do, I wouldn't do it... that and I don't see myself being completely open about everything in front of my DH - look how well that worked last time) but we'll see.

I do agree that marriage takes work, it's what I've been telling DH... they say that the first year is the hardest for a reason... and we can't just quit without trying. He seems a bit more open to trying today so thank heavens for that, it'll give me time to think about what I really want.

I think my heart was trying to warn me from the beginning... I keep a diary but barely wrote in it during our engagement... the entries I DID write all said essentially the same thing: I think this might be a mistake. And the first time I wrote that was two months after we got engaged. And I thought it all the way up during the walk down the aisle. Why didn't I talk to someone then, do something then? I wish I knew...

Oh sweetie- I can't say much more than whats already been said, but just know that I'm sending you many calming vibes, hoping you can figure out whats going on in your head... and in your heart We are all ALWAYS here for you

Originally Posted by pinkdaisy226

I wish I knew what I needed. I think a trial separation would never work for me because, whenever I "took a break" with an ex in the past, I'd always end up calling/wanting to see him and then we'd end up right back where we started. You get so used to telling this one person everything and then all of a sudden you don't have anyone to talk to? But that never meant I want to be back together, just that I needed a friend...

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That's how it went with me in the first marriage.

Originally Posted by pinkdaisy226

As for counseling, he came home from work and suggested it today. The idea makes me leery (I have nothing against those that seek it, I just know myself... they could tell me to do something that I wouldn't want to do and, even if it makes sense and is the right thing to do, I wouldn't do it... that and I don't see myself being completely open about everything in front of my DH - look how well that worked last time) but we'll see.

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A good counselor doesn't ever tell you what to do, they help you sort out what you want to do. Funny thing - the ex and I went to see a marriage counselor. After the first session, he said he wanted to see us separately because we didn't really have a relationship. We did nothing together, barely saw each other, didn't like the same things, and rarely communicated. I ended up seeing a different counselor - but it was SO what I needed. It helped me "rediscover" my own heart and lose the brain-babble.

Originally Posted by pinkdaisy226

I do agree that marriage takes work, it's what I've been telling DH... they say that the first year is the hardest for a reason... and we can't just quit without trying. He seems a bit more open to trying today so thank heavens for that, it'll give me time to think about what I really want.

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Consider signing up for some kind of class - water aerobics, weight lifing, yoga - anything. Something for YOU. Something that can help you focus on anything BUT what you're thinking. Stopping all the thinking will help you focus on what you feel.

In the meantime, his willingness to work on things means you two have time to talk stuff out. That's great news!

(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))

Laurie

Oh sweetie! I'm so sorry that you're going through this. It's never easy, but I think the fact that he is willing to try counselling and even suggested it means that he wants to work at it to. Marriage is never easy and I hope for your sake that everything works out the way that you in your heart want and need it to. Just know that you have friends here and shoulders to cry on when you need it.

Hey guys, here's an update for you.

First of all, thanks for all the vibes. I really feel them working - I feel a lot more calm, a lot less stressed and a lot more at peace. DH and I have decided to try to work things out and, while we have a long way to go, especially considering that we both said hurtful things to each other, so far things are looking pretty good.

As for me deciding what I want... I do have my moments where I wonder... but right now I'm feeling pretty happy with how things are and I want to keep myself in that moment, living life now, instead of wishing things were different. So while I'm going to keep reflecting on what I really want, from where I stand right now, I think I want this.

Again, thank you all... you have kept me from feeling like a bad person and lonely... you all such amazing people and I am thankful for you guys every day!

I am glad that things seem to be working out for you right now.

Ari, I'm so happy to hear this update! I'm glad that you've both decided to try to work on it. The first year of marriage is hard, and no matter how long you've lived with someone it IS different being married.

Now, this is just an old married bitty talking (we've been married for 6 years, together for 10), but you're always going to say hurtful things to each other. Don't dwell on that. I don't know anybody who really fights fair (well, not without being trained to fight fair). When you're upset you want to hurt the person who made you upset. That's human nature. And when you know someone well enough to be married to them, well...you know exactly how to cut the deepest.

Also remember - the grass is always greener from the other side of the fence. Sure, you may still have your doubts whether it was the right decision and what *could* have been if you had chosen differently. Live in the here and now. You are with him, you did marry him, you chose not to break off the engagement even when you had your doubts. There's something to all of that too.

Ari, I'm so happy that things are looking better for you right now.

Those hurtful words will fade into the background if you both let them. As you said, the important thing is to know what you want and then work towards fulfilling your dreams if you can. If you are working towards that together then that's brilliant.

Originally Posted by valanhb

Ari, I'm so happy to hear this update! I'm glad that you've both decided to try to work on it. The first year of marriage is hard, and no matter how long you've lived with someone it IS different being married.

Now, this is just an old married bitty talking (we've been married for 6 years, together for 10), but you're always going to say hurtful things to each other. Don't dwell on that. I don't know anybody who really fights fair (well, not without being trained to fight fair). When you're upset you want to hurt the person who made you upset. That's human nature. And when you know someone well enough to be married to them, well...you know exactly how to cut the deepest.

Also remember - the grass is always greener from the other side of the fence. Sure, you may still have your doubts whether it was the right decision and what *could* have been if you had chosen differently. Live in the here and now. You are with him, you did marry him, you chose not to break off the engagement even when you had your doubts. There's something to all of that too.

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Great post. Marriage is tough, and after you get past some initial bumps and potholes in the road, it does seem to get smoother as you finally learn to grow together.

Just wishing you all the best.

I'm so glad that your DH is willing to work on things with you!

Ari, just caught this thread! I am sending lots of good vibes to you and DH.

Ari- I'm glad to hear that things are a bit better with you both- continuing to send my prayers!

I am glad to hear you're a bit better today. I will keep you and your hubby in my prayers that things begin to improve between the two of you If you need to talk-i'd be happy to listen.

I am so glad o hear a good update! That is awesome that he is willing to go to counseling! I will be praying for you two and sending mega relatioship healing vibes!!