Am I being irrational?

4crazycats

TCS Member
Thread starter
Top Cat
Joined
Aug 23, 2006
Messages
1,861
Purraise
1
Location
Missouri
Ok Obviously John and I are going threw alot of changes lately in our life. We havnt even been together for 6 months yet. And things have just gone sooo fast. I love him to death but sometimes it freaks me out how fast things are going. I cant see my life without him. Yet Im terrified by how much I need and love him. He's been talking about getting married alot lately.
And it really freaks me out. I know its stupid but I get so scared when he talks about it.

We had a fairly large fight him onto moving into his house. I love his house its out in the country beautiful, a couple acres perfect. BUT I dont want to deal with moving. He hates it here in my house. Because of the area. Its awful. He started talking about keeping Big Bird. I said that I still wasnt sure how I felt about it. That I wasnt sure if I wanted another dog in this small of house.

Somehow the conversation turned to getting married. I told him I wanted to marry him EVENTUALLY and that I felt it was just to soon. Weve only been dating 5 1/2 months. He flipped out and said something about after all weve been threw it doesnt matter how long weve been together. Weve been threw more then most people would go threw their whole lives. And that I just didnt want to be married to him because I have a problem with being with someone who actually cares about me. That I just want to be with someone who is mean and abusive to me.
Which of course made me mad and I said some less then nice things about him and he said some more nasty things and we went our seperate ways. He is now sitting in his bed looking very pathetic and sent me a text message asking if I wanted to talk. I dont want to talk because I dont want to start fighting again.

Am I being totally irrational about this? Like I said I love him to death but I dont think that we NEED to get married yet. He seems to think we need to get married tomorow or somethin.g
 

katachtig

Moderator
Staff Member
Admin
Joined
Jun 25, 2005
Messages
25,290
Purraise
2,893
Location
Colorado
Amber, what is it exactly that is scaring you about getting married? That would definitely be a start in addressing what is going on with you too.

The both of you have been through a lot more that people twice your age and he has been there to support you all of the way as you have been there for him. I suspect he wants to be married so he can continue to be there for you.

But also, if you are not ready, you are not ready.
 

satai

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Jun 24, 2006
Messages
4,448
Purraise
1
Location
Limerick, Ireland
Originally Posted by 4crazycats

Am I being totally irrational about this? Like I said I love him to death but I dont think that we NEED to get married yet. He seems to think we need to get married tomorow or somethin.g
No, you're not being irrational - but do remember that love isn't rational - so that's not really always the main point - which brings me to the next part. You don't NEED to get married, but love isn't rational. He wants to marry you (now). You want to marry him (eventually). It's not a question of intent, but rather, of timing.

Unless there is a reason to wait - like you think you want to marry him but want more time to be sure, or some other reason (money isn't really one unless you're really too broke to do the bare bones reg. office thing) - I'd strongly suggest just marrying him. Life's short. Make what sport of it you can.
 

crittermom

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Oct 26, 2005
Messages
6,437
Purraise
2
I don't think you are but, maybe in his eyes, being married will make him MORE of Lava Girls Dad.
You two have been through far more than any couple should have to go through and in a short time.But, to ME.......I think it's only worked to show you both that you are meant to be together.I mean with the accident, things could have gone alot worse and John could have been "gone" from you.BUt, he was spared and you all have made it this far TOGETHER!!!
I would talk about it and tell him that when you are ready to marry, you'll let him know.Try to work things out now though.
Say something like "I'd like to marry you, but think we should wait until Lava Girl is ____________ old."
 

starryeyedtiger

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Apr 5, 2005
Messages
22,317
Purraise
20
Location
USA
I couldn't agree more with what everyone has said. It seems like it's pretty clear- ya'll would both like to marry each other and you both love each other very much. It sounds like your timing is just a bit different. Perhaps ya'll can just sit down and work it out- but do not ignore him gorgeous- him sending you the text means he's ready to talk and listen. He is a wonderful man and he loves you very much. And he has been there for you and lava girl more than anyone else has- it's only natural for him to want to deepen his committment and relationship with you.
And it is also natural for you to want to be sure it's right for you before making such a large committment- the thing ya'll both have to look at is that you both care and love each other and would both like to get married. If he want's to marry you now- i'm sure he will still want to several months or so down the road or whenever you decide you're ready- just be honest with him and let him know that you need a little time but that you do want to marry him eventually
Just don't leave him hanging forever!
/ As far as the dog goes- if he wants to adopt him and give him a good home- i don't see anything wrong with it- so long as he respects your wishes and keeps him at his place once he is well- i honestly think you should just consider staying with him at his home- it's much safe, lots of land , and plenty of room
It's worth if when it comes down to the safety of all of you and little lava girl. Heck- even try it out for a few days before deciding- you don't have to do everything at once- just think about it and take it one step at a time gorgeous. / But for now- hop off the net and give that man a big hug!
He loves you! You don't have to talk right now- just let him know you're there and that the feeling is mutual
 

squirtle

TCS Member
Veteran
Joined
Nov 29, 2003
Messages
5,544
Purraise
1
Location
Sunny Florida
Originally Posted by Satai

Unless there is a reason to wait - like you think you want to marry him but want more time to be sure, or some other reason (money isn't really one unless you're really too broke to do the bare bones reg. office thing) - I'd strongly suggest just marrying him. Life's short. Make what sport of it you can.
I have to disagree with this statement... sorry, but if she isn't ready then she isn't ready. No one should get married unless they are ready... period. If she (and I am not saying this will happen in your situation, Amber.. but just a thought) runs out and marries him because that is what HE wants right now, she is going to end up regretting it. Having been through so much in a short period of time doesn't mean that you should automatically run out and get married. It could actually mean the opposite.

Amber, you have been through a lot and I commend you on how strong you have been and how well you have adjusted to things. IMO John might need to sit back and realize that your not wanting to rush into marriage is not a reflection of him, but of your need to get a grasp on your new life and feeling comfortable with it before making any other changes.
 

satai

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Jun 24, 2006
Messages
4,448
Purraise
1
Location
Limerick, Ireland
Originally Posted by squirtle

I have to disagree with this statement... sorry, but if she isn't ready then she isn't ready. No one should get married unless they are ready... period.
That would count as "a reason" for the purposes of my post. I can't imagine how that could possibly have been unclear.
 

neetanddave

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
May 6, 2006
Messages
8,707
Purraise
1
Location
Tarheel State
Sometimes you have to turn off your head and go with your heart.

Life is too short, there are no guarantees. Grab what you want while it is there for you. If it's not right, you would know it already. And being scared won't stop after you get married or have LavaGirl. It never stops.
 

squirtle

TCS Member
Veteran
Joined
Nov 29, 2003
Messages
5,544
Purraise
1
Location
Sunny Florida
Originally Posted by Satai

That would count as "a reason" for the purposes of my post. I can't imagine how that could possibly have been unclear.
She explained that she wasn't ready in her original post... If that is acknowledgable under your classification of "a reason", then I can't understand why you would strongly suggest that she get married now


I am not saying for her not to get married, but there is no reason to stress herself out about it right now. Maybe after the baby is born she will feel more comfortable making a decision.
 

babyharley

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Aug 17, 2005
Messages
25,708
Purraise
2
Location
Minnesota
Originally Posted by squirtle

I have to disagree with this statement... sorry, but if she isn't ready then she isn't ready. No one should get married unless they are ready... period. If she (and I am not saying this will happen in your situation, Amber.. but just a thought) runs out and marries him because that is what HE wants right now, she is going to end up regretting it. Having been through so much in a short period of time doesn't mean that you should automatically run out and get married. It could actually mean the opposite.

Amber, you have been through a lot and I commend you on how strong you have been and how well you have adjusted to things. IMO John might need to sit back and realize that your not wanting to rush into marriage is not a reflection of him, but of your need to get a grasp on your new life and feeling comfortable with it before making any other changes.
I couldn't have said it better myself.


I'd sit down with him and explain that with all the changes you are going thru (with having Lava Girl) maybe wait til things slow down a bit in your lives, and get adjusted with the big change of having a child. You have to be ready for this, please don't rush into marriage, its such a huge step, you do it when YOUR ready, when your both ready. I don't think your being irrational at all. I applaud you for standing up for yourself and not just wanting to get married because your going to have a child. Your a strong woman!

I'd be honest with him on how you feel, and hopefully he'll understand, and wait.
 

lunasmom

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Sep 7, 2005
Messages
8,801
Purraise
12
Location
Jersey Shore
Yes, if you're not ready to get married right now, your just not.

Perhaps deep down you just want to date him for a while, without all the stuff that has happened. Perhaps you just want some memories to create between you two BEFORE marriage (and by that more happy ones)Whatever the motivation is right now, look deep down and tell him.

Marriage is something that BOTH parties want at the same time.
 

ilovesiamese

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Mar 4, 2006
Messages
2,402
Purraise
1
Honey,

I don't think you are at all! You are entitled to your feelings and it never hurts to take your time, no matter what you've been through. You are taking care of yourself and your relationship and if it's ment to be it will happen, but that doesn't mean it has to be tomorrow.

I was pregnant at a young age and I decided that even though I knew I'd spend the rest of my life with my SO and my son's father, that I didn't need to rush anything. We got married after 3.5 years of being together and my son was 2 and a half. Jan 18 was the 6 year mark of us being together and feb 1st makes it 1.5 years of marriage.

No matter what, do what is right for you, Lavagirl and for your relationship.

Sending you some vibes to feel better about things.
 

trouts mom

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Mar 4, 2006
Messages
23,949
Purraise
16
Location
Snowy Santa Land
Originally Posted by lunasmom

Yes, if you're not ready to get married right now, your just not.

Perhaps deep down you just want to date him for a while, without all the stuff that has happened. Perhaps you just want some memories to create between you two BEFORE marriage (and by that more happy ones)Whatever the motivation is right now, look deep down and tell him.

Marriage is something that BOTH parties want at the same time.
Its no reason for you to be mad at eachother..you just need to understand eachothers points of view.

I hope you make up soon
 

sharky

TCS Member
Veteran
Joined
Jan 30, 2005
Messages
27,231
Purraise
38
Originally Posted by squirtle

I have to disagree with this statement... sorry, but if she isn't ready then she isn't ready. No one should get married unless they are ready... period. If she (and I am not saying this will happen in your situation, Amber.. but just a thought) runs out and marries him because that is what HE wants right now, she is going to end up regretting it. Having been through so much in a short period of time doesn't mean that you should automatically run out and get married. It could actually mean the opposite.

Amber, you have been through a lot and I commend you on how strong you have been and how well you have adjusted to things. IMO John might need to sit back and realize that your not wanting to rush into marriage is not a reflection of him, but of your need to get a grasp on your new life and feeling comfortable with it before making any other changes.
Amber

to the above post
 
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #15

4crazycats

TCS Member
Thread starter
Top Cat
Joined
Aug 23, 2006
Messages
1,861
Purraise
1
Location
Missouri
Originally Posted by katachtig

Amber, what is it exactly that is scaring you about getting married? That would definitely be a start in addressing what is going on with you too.
Thank you. Basically what Im scared of is Im worried that things wont stay the same. That we would change and not want to be married anymore. I was with Stan for 4 years and he wasnt the way he is now at the beginning. Im not the way I was then either. I know people change. And it scares the crap out of me. I dont want to hurt him and I know he doesnt want to hurt me. So Im afarid if we got married we might hurt each other. That really makes no sence does it?

Originally Posted by Satai

Unless there is a reason to wait - like you think you want to marry him but want more time to be sure, or some other reason (money isn't really one unless you're really too broke to do the bare bones reg. office thing) - I'd strongly suggest just marrying him. Life's short. Make what sport of it you can.
I think this is John's opinion. He told me when I went into talk to him again that we cant live in fear of what might happen. He doesnt see any reason to wait if I do want to marry him. Which I do but not now.
Originally Posted by crittermom

I don't think you are but, maybe in his eyes, being married will make him MORE of Lava Girls Dad.
You two have been through far more than any couple should have to go through and in a short time.But, to ME.......I think it's only worked to show you both that you are meant to be together.I mean with the accident, things could have gone alot worse and John could have been "gone" from you.BUt, he was spared and you all have made it this far TOGETHER!!!
I would talk about it and tell him that when you are ready to marry, you'll let him know.Try to work things out now though.
Say something like "I'd like to marry you, but think we should wait until Lava Girl is ____________ old."
Thank You Tammy! Your wonderful.
Thats a great idea to say lets waittill Lava Girl is this old and then talk about it. I dont want to get pregnant when Im hugely pregnant or so exausted from having a NB. I thank god every day for keeping John with me. Ever since the accident. I know I could have lost him so easily. I never thought that he might feel like it would really make him Lava Girls dad. If thats what it is. I will probably have to cry. Ive cried over all this so much lately.
Originally Posted by StarryEyedTiGeR

If he want's to marry you now- i'm sure he will still want to several months or so down the road or whenever you decide you're ready- just be honest with him and let him know that you need a little time but that you do want to marry him eventually
Just don't leave him hanging forever!
/ As far as the dog goes- if he wants to adopt him and give him a good home- i don't see anything wrong with it- so long as he respects your wishes and keeps him at his place once he is well- i honestly think you should just consider staying with him at his home- it's much safe, lots of land , and plenty of room
It's worth if when it comes down to the safety of all of you and little lava girl. - just think about it and take it one step at a time gorgeous. / But for now- hop off the net and give that man a big hug!
He loves you! You don't have to talk right Heck- even try it out for a few days before deciding- you don't have to do everything at oncenow- just let him know you're there and that the feeling is mutual
Thanks Nikki.
As far as the living situation goes and therefore the Big Bird situation. He doesnt want to live seperately so we would either live here or live in his house. Which would mean Big Bird would be around either house all the time. I love him but hes ALOT of work and right now John cant deal with that much work. Hes young and very wild. And I know once Lava Girl is here he will need just as much attention. And he probably wont get it. John just cant exercize him enough right now. And I cant either. Im giving ti a test right now to see if John can get enough energy out of him. So far hes ok but still on the wild side. I did go and talk to him a little. He said he wasnt ready to have another talk yet. But did say he was sorry for some of the things he said.
Originally Posted by squirtle

Amber, you have been through a lot and I commend you on how strong you have been and how well you have adjusted to things. IMO John might need to sit back and realize that your not wanting to rush into marriage is not a reflection of him, but of your need to get a grasp on your new life and feeling comfortable with it before making any other changes.
Thank you.
I tried to explain that it wasnt anything he did or didnt do that made me want to wait. I mean his wonderful. I couldnt love him any more. But Im not positive how to get that threw to him.

Originally Posted by neetanddave

Sometimes you have to turn off your head and go with your heart.
Life is too short, there are no guarantees. Grab what you want while it is there for you. If it's not right, you would know it already. And being scared won't stop after you get married or have LavaGirl. It never stops.
Thanks. Being scared never stops.
 

starryeyedtiger

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Apr 5, 2005
Messages
22,317
Purraise
20
Location
USA
Hey Amber:

HUG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


(thought maybe you could use a little hug tonight
i'm here for you if you need anything.)
 
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #17

4crazycats

TCS Member
Thread starter
Top Cat
Joined
Aug 23, 2006
Messages
1,861
Purraise
1
Location
Missouri
Originally Posted by babyharley

I'd sit down with him and explain that with all the changes you are going thru (with having Lava Girl) maybe wait til things slow down a bit in your lives, and get adjusted with the big change of having a child.
I'd be honest with him on how you feel, and hopefully he'll understand, and wait.
Thanks. I think he just doesnt understand how I feel. Because I dont understand why I feel the way I do so when try to explain it doesnt make to much since. Which just frustrates him. I dont know how to explain it to him.
Originally Posted by lunasmom

Perhaps deep down you just want to date him for a while, without all the stuff that has happened. Perhaps you just want some memories to create between you two BEFORE marriage (and by that more happy ones)Whatever the motivation is right now, look deep down and tell him.

Marriage is something that BOTH parties want at the same time.
I think thats part of it. Finding out I was pregnant with Lava Girl (shes not his), then the accident, him having to have someone take care of him, then me being so sick, loosing Gheery boy. So many things have happened during the short time weve been together. Things just went so fast because of all weve been threw. We are so close but I would like to have some time of just being together without things going wrong around us.
Originally Posted by IloveSiamese

Honey,

I was pregnant at a young age and I decided that even though I knew I'd spend the rest of my life with my SO and my son's father, that I didn't need to rush anything. We got married after 3.5 years of being together and my son was 2 and a half. Jan 18 was the 6 year mark of us being together and feb 1st makes it 1.5 years of marriage.

No matter what, do what is right for you, Lavagirl and for your relationship.

Sending you some vibes to feel better about things.
Thank you for posting your experience. I hope things work out for us as well as they have for you.

Originally Posted by Trouts mom

Its no reason for you to be mad at eachother..you just need to understand eachothers points of view.

I hope you make up soon
Thanks Nat! Im not mad at John just I dunno Im afraid Ive hurt him and I dont want to do that.
He's mad at me though. Or dissapointed or something. I dont know how he feels.
 
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #18

4crazycats

TCS Member
Thread starter
Top Cat
Joined
Aug 23, 2006
Messages
1,861
Purraise
1
Location
Missouri
Originally Posted by StarryEyedTiGeR

Hey Amber:

HUG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


(thought maybe you could use a little hug tonight
i'm here for you if you need anything.)
Thank you Nikki. I really needed that.
Grr I hate being so upset. I feel so stinkin depressed right now. I hate having John upset at me.
 

katachtig

Moderator
Staff Member
Admin
Joined
Jun 25, 2005
Messages
25,290
Purraise
2,893
Location
Colorado
Originally Posted by 4crazycats

Thank you. Basically what Im scared of is Im worried that things wont stay the same. That we would change and not want to be married anymore. I was with Stan for 4 years and he wasnt the way he is now at the beginning. Im not the way I was then either. I know people change. And it scares the crap out of me. I dont want to hurt him and I know he doesnt want to hurt me. So Im afarid if we got married we might hurt each other. That really makes no sence does it?
It makes perfect sense, Amber. The person I was at 16 was not the same person I was when I was 20, and definitely not the same person at 24. But it is the risk that anyone takes when she decides to get married. After 10 years of marriage, I know that both my husband and I have changed.

Marriage would allow John to be able to legally take care of you and Lava Girl.

But again, if you are not ready, it wouldn't be good for anyone involved to get married. I do think you may want to consider moving in with John if it is a safer neighborhood. You are going to have a lot to deal with a baby and you do want to do what is best for her.
 

white cat lover

TCS Member
Veteran
Joined
Nov 17, 2005
Messages
22,206
Purraise
35
I just think that right now isn't the time to get married. I mean, Lava Girl will be here soon, you'll have here to take care of. IMO, the two of you would be better off waiting until she's older. Just think, your little Lava Girl is your flower girl.....

You both have to be ready for this....& from what you said, you aren't ready yet.
 
Top