Am I being irrational?

I don't know what to say, but I do think your hormones are going nutso as is it right now, and with everything that's happened, I'm amazed you can make any rational decisions

If I was John and I was head over heels in love with you and wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, I'd want to get married before Lava Girl was born as well, and make her legally mine from the word go.

I can understand what you're going through as well though. Marriage is a big decision! The amount of time you've been together doesn't matter, there's no definite amount of time you need to be together before you should decide to get married.

Try not to be too hard on him for loving you, but make sure you get your thoughts together so you can explain rationally to him how you feel once you figure it out

Good luck

Originally Posted by katachtig

It makes perfect sense, Amber. The person I was at 16 was not the same person I was when I was 20, and definitely not the same person at 24. But it is the risk that anyone takes when she decides to get married. After 10 years of marriage, I know that both my husband and I have changed.

Marriage would allow John to be able to legally take care of you and Lava Girl.

But again, if you are not ready, it wouldn't be good for anyone involved to get married. I do think you may want to consider moving in with John if it is a safer neighborhood. You are going to have a lot to deal with a baby and you do want to do what is best for her.

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John is older then me (26) and he says hes set in his ways and wont be changing. But I know from personal experience that people change even once they are adults. Im 20 and know Im going to change alot before Im done. John doesnt get that though. John has said before that he thinks we should get married incase something happens to him. Then we will be taken care of us. But I dont want to think about anything happening to him.

Originally Posted by white cat lover

I just think that right now isn't the time to get married. I mean, Lava Girl will be here soon, you'll have here to take care of. IMO, the two of you would be better off waiting until she's older. Just think, your little Lava Girl is your flower girl.....

You both have to be ready for this....& from what you said, you aren't ready yet.

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That would be sweet having her as our flower girl. John just asked me to come in there. So I guess I'll go see what he has to say.

All I can say is follow your heart and maybe write things down in a letter and then give it to him sometimes its easier to write your feelings than to talk about them. And remember that he loves you and is really trying to take care of you so give him a hug.

Only you can decide what is the right thing for you to do. Lead with your heart while at the same time using common sense to decide if what your heart is telling you is right for you.

It doesn't matter how long you have known someone before you marry them. Some people end up divorced who have known each other many years before getting married, while others who have known each other only a short time before getting married live al life time of happiness with one another.

I'll use my cousin as an example. He and his wife have been married over 30 years now.. blissfully happy. In fact when we've been at functions together I've had friends comment on how so in love they appear and that they must be newly weds. He met his wife through a friend's friend. It was instant like to the point that he and she spent everyday for a whole week obsessing about one another. They figured they were moving so fast that they decided to slow it down. Apparently he was miserable and so was she and their friends urged them to just call each other. So they did. A week later they were married (time from meeting to time of wedding was 3 weeks).

You're already living together, which is a committment. Being married is no different except for a formal piece of paper between you that makes it all nice and legal in the eyes of the church and courts.

If you love him and want to spend the rest of your life with him and he feels the same about you, so what if you have only known each other for 6 months. Just make sure that you are getting married out of love, not out of "need" and fear of being alone.

When you partner up with someone it should be because they enhance you, not complete you.

Well for all its worth here is my point of view. After being married for 22 years it ended in divorce. In the time I was on my own I had a couple of relationships with women but they mentaly messed me about, I decided that I just did not want to get involved with women again.
Three years later I met this woman in a chat room
(not intentional) we seem to hit it off, and after a few months we decided to meet up. She lived in a different town about 140 miles away. She too was divorced and living with her two boys. After a few months the relationship grew. We both knew the traveling back and forth would not go on forever. My two boys were growing up and doing their own thing so they would not miss me so much, but whilst I was living on my own, my young daughter of 9 would come and stay with me most weekends. I explained the situation that I was going away to move and asked her if she was happy to come and visit me every other weekend she was fine about it and supported me as well
( my daughter is sooooooo special ). Anyway after moving in with Linda things were fine for a while, but I hated the town where we were living. This went on for about two years,circumstances changed, I was made redundant, and the landlord wanted to sell the house we were renting, but we could not afford it. A chance then turned up to rent my Uncles house back home which is in the countryside. We discussed it and decided to go for it. During all this time I had frequently asked her to marry me but she would change the subject or ask me why do you want to marry me. She thought I was going to mess around like other men she knew from the past, little did she know that I felt the same, not that she would be unfaithful to me but I wanted security. So last Christmas I arranged a date for the wedding, and put all the paperwork in an envelope and put it on the Christmas tree for her.
It was the first time I have known Linda speechless, but she said yes. So maybe talk to your man, a lot of blokes dont like to express themselves because they think it isnt what men should do, but Hey!! girl believe me we got feelings as well. Im a pisces and I can be quite sensitive sometimes, I like my cuddles and all that touchy feeling thing of my wife. So maybe if you do want to get married try setting a date a couple of years from now, that will give you time to adjust to the situation and give you time to plan and save up.

Ps. Linda has no regrets at all about the move.

Amber I think you are very smart for wanting to wait a little while to get married. If John loves you, and I know he does, he will wait until you're completely ready. All couples get into fights sometimes, so try not to worry. How did it go last night?

I think 6 months is WAY to soon to consider marriage. You can't possibly fully know someone well enough in that amount of time. I've been with my boyfriend for over two years, we spend every second of our spare time together, and have been through plenty together. And while I know he'd marry me in a haertbeat if he knew that was what I wanted. I know that we aren't ready yet. I'm still learning new things about him. There's really no reason to rush into a marriage, especially when you aren't 100% positive that is what you want. The statistics are something like 1 in 2 marriages end in divorce. It's so high because people rush into things that they aren't ready for. Take your time, enjoy each other's company, and wait until you know your sure. Don't let him preasure you into something you aren't ready to do. You'll just regret it in the future.

Originally Posted by Jenny82

Amber I think you are very smart for wanting to wait a little while to get married. If John loves you, and I know he does, he will wait until you're completely ready. All couples get into fights sometimes, so try not to worry. How did it go last night?

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First off thanks to everyone who replied! I read all your post over several time and Im feeling much better this morning. John and I had a LONG talk last night. We decided on several things. And really talked out both of our feelings on the subject. We ended up staying uip till 4:30 talking about everything. With a few little arguments in betwee. But I'm happy with how things went. And he seemed to be happy when I left this morning.

So here goes. We are going to be moving into his house in April.

We are still in the maybe with Big Bird Im not sure still. But I told John that if he thinks he can handle him then I wouldnt stop him.

As for the marriage thing. We decided to wait awhile. But he says he wants to be at least engaged and set a year. Not a date just the year. And if that year comes and I dont feel ready then we say ok its not the right time. Does that sound like a good idea? John liked the idea (he came up with it) but I always thought you should have a date if you are engaged.

You can be engaged without a date set. It's YOUR engagement, and your rules (tell that to the relatives).

I'm very glad that you both were able to work it out. After you have the baby, when your hormones are back to normal (as already said), would be the time to think about what you want to do.

Then, I think you need to seriously ask yourself why you are hesitating. Do you think someone better will come along? You said things might change after you are married - that's a given. The question is, do you feel you both have the foundation of respect, commitment, and compassion to work through those changes?

When one of my best friends got married, on the day of her wedding, her husband told me, "I wasn't sure if I was ready to marry Deborah. But she was ready, and I love her and want to spend my life with her. I realized that if I don't marry her now, she might find someone else, and I couldn't live with that." There's always one partner who feels this way.

But your plate is very full at the moment, so give it some more time and later ask yourself the questions. You said you can't see your life without him... that's a pretty obvious statement.

Cheers, from
SwampWitch

No one ever said that just because you get engaged you have to get married right away. It at least says you are willing to make a commitment to each other.

to you both. I imagine your hormones and John's injuries and recovery are not conducive to a young relationship.

I'm glad you talked it out! I think that it sounds like you have a great plan, as long as you are both comfortable with it, and it sounds like you are.

I'm glad to hear that you two talked things through. I think that getting engaged & tentatively setting a year isn't a bad idea! If you aren't ready by the time that year comes, you can still put it off. This is your engagement & you can do whatever you darn well please!

An engagement is just a type of commitment to one another. You don't have to set a date. Though picking a year allows you to have a time to re-evaluate your engagement which is a good thing (that way you don't end someplace through apathy). I'm glad you are able to work through this. To me a big indicator of a successful marriage isn't how much you love each other, but how much the both of you work things out. Stay honest with yourselves and each other. If not, we'll make sure you are

I think you need to get to the bottom of a couple of things:

1) Why does he want to get married NOW??? Is he insecure about the relationship, and thinks that getting married will solidify things more?

2) Do you have any secret reservations about marrying him? It doesn't sound to me like this is necessarily the case...you're just not ready! And that's fine...he should respect and trust in your love and level of commitment enough to be able to wait until the time is right for BOTH of you.

You're not irrational. But I do think that you need to talk to him, if you think the conversation will go somewhere in the proper direction, and that you can both be adult and kind about the situation. Good luck, and I agree with everyone who has told you to follow your heart.

Originally Posted by 4crazycats

As for the marriage thing. We decided to wait awhile. But he says he wants to be at least engaged and set a year. Not a date just the year. And if that year comes and I dont feel ready then we say ok its not the right time. Does that sound like a good idea? John liked the idea (he came up with it) but I always thought you should have a date if you are engaged.

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That sounds like a good idea, if you are both agreed about marriage in principal but not timing at the moment. You do not need to set a date, you can be engaged for 1 day or for years, it is just a commitment that you intend to marry at some future point.

It can't be easy for either of you, you are coping with a lot of change (and more drastic change to come in the near future!) in your life, so I completely understand you not wanting to rush into anything at the moment! I can also understand where John is coming from, he had a very near miss not so long ago, and that sort of experience really can shape the way you look at things - looking at the 'what ifs' - knowing it can all have been over in an instant - it makes you not want to wait around to do what you want, and what you feel is right - because you don't know when it may be taken from you. But the time has to be right for both of you! It sounds as if you have reached a good decision, if you are sure that you will want to marry him eventually

Amber this is good news, there is no right or wrong way to be engaged, just do it your way. Glad you guys worked it out you don't need any more added stress with a baby on the way

Originally Posted by Jenny82

I'm glad you talked it out! I think that it sounds like you have a great plan, as long as you are both comfortable with it, and it sounds like you are.

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Im glad we talked threw it too. I dont think Ive seen John so serious as he was when we were talking. He always goofs around even if its something serious to break the ice. So it was nice to see him be serious. We are both very comfortable with it and he's been searching for a ring online.

Originally Posted by white cat lover

I'm glad to hear that you two talked things through. I think that getting engaged & tentatively setting a year isn't a bad idea! If you aren't ready by the time that year comes, you can still put it off. This is your engagement & you can do whatever you darn well please!

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John wants to go with 2009. Which would make Lava Girl 2 years old. I dunno how a 2 year old would do being in a wedding?

Originally Posted by katachtig

To me a big indicator of a successful marriage isn't how much you love each other, but how much the both of you work things out. Stay honest with yourselves and each other. If not, we'll make sure you are

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That's a good way to put it! I hope John and I are good at working things out. I think we are so far. I need you guys to keep in line sometimes. I can be a bit stupid about some things. I dont know when I have things good.

Originally Posted by wookie130

I think you need to get to the bottom of a couple of things:

1) Why does he want to get married NOW??? Is he insecure about the relationship, and thinks that getting married will solidify things more?

2) Do you have any secret reservations about marrying him? It doesn't sound to me like this is necessarily the case...you're just not ready! And that's fine...he should respect and trust in your love and level of commitment enough to be able to wait until the time is right for BOTH of you.
.

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Well John finally spilled why he wanted to get married right away. He actually gave me several reasons. He feels like we will be more of a family, therefore he would be a dad to Lava Girl in everyones eyes, he thinks life is to short to wait around forever and he feels he would be able to legally take care of me and Lava Girl better.
I dont have reservations about marrying him. I just dont feel like with all the changes we are going threw that it is the right time. I would like to wait till things settle down a bit. If that ever happens.

Originally Posted by Epona

It can't be easy for either of you, you are coping with a lot of change (and more drastic change to come in the near future!) in your life, so I completely understand you not wanting to rush into anything at the moment! I can also understand where John is coming from, he had a very near miss not so long ago, and that sort of experience really can shape the way you look at things - looking at the 'what ifs' - knowing it can all have been over in an instant - it makes you not want to wait around to do what you want, and what you feel is right - because you don't know when it may be taken from you. But the time has to be right for both of you! It sounds as if you have reached a good decision, if you are sure that you will want to marry him eventually

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Thanks! That was one of John's points. He keeps telling me about everything (not just getting married) that life is to short and you never know when your gonna die so you might as well live life to the fullest while youve got it. Not to be afraid to try or do anything.

Originally Posted by Bella713

Amber this is good news, there is no right or wrong way to be engaged, just do it your way. Glad you guys worked it out you don't need any more added stress with a baby on the way

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Thank you!