Why do some cats not like to be held?

I have 2 male cats that are brothers, one has always loved to be held.  The other one was not too keen, he would jump out pretty quickly.  After a while I realized that it wasn't that he didn't want to be held, he wanted things to be on his terms.  Cats are very independent animals, and some want to feel they are in control.  So I stopped trying to hold him and would just pet him when he would sit with me on the couch.  Eventually he would start laying on my lap when I would pet him.  Then after a while he started to stand on my lap and climb my chest, putting himself in the "hold me" position.  So I started holding him, but still noticed a little hesitation.  There are two things you can try.  The first thing is to take one of your hands and place it under her, allowing her back paws to rest on your hand.  Allow your hand to basically be a support, which gives her steady footing and helps to make her feel more secure (the same thing suggested for holding rabbits).  The second thing is to make sure you give her an out when she has had enough.  Be mindful to her body language.  When my cat wants to be held it's obvious because he lays his head into my shoulder and relaxes his body.  When he has had enough, he turns his head away from me.  As soon as he turns his head away I say "you want to get down" and I gently place him down.  When you do this, you are showing her that you respect her decisions, and you will not hold her against his will.  Also don't try to hold her on her back, many people are tempted to do this because it's cute to hold a kitten like a baby but they just don't like it.  I'm sure she would enjoy cuddling with you, but it's got to be her idea.

My kitteh, who is just about a year old, LOVED being held/pet/cuddled when she was a tot (I've had her since birth). Now? She can't stand to be touched/pet/held/etc. She growls and hisses and has a fit. Of course I have to aggravate her a little.   Yet, she will curl up next to me on the couch or lay all over me in bed. What's her problem? LOL She is currently not spayed.

Her older sister, from the previous litter, was the EXACT OPPOSITE. HATED being pet/touched/held when she was kitten. Now she follows me everywhere, lays all over me and the keyboard when I'm working. Licks the crap out of me, etc. Such a lover! Often to the point of annoyance.

Anyone have any guesses as to why Kitteh #1 behaves in this manner?

If one is familiar with homeopathy, one will know that people and anymals have different constitutional types (different charracters and manners). For example one is lazy, always hungry, prefers hot weather or hot food, likes peace and hates beeng touched, another one likes cooler weather is picky on food always loving and cuddling but in 30 secs of peting bites you. So if u counsel a profesional classic homepath he could be able to determine your cats type (also your type) and give you a homeopathic remedy that releases all those sympthoms that seem to be a bit over the edge. One is healthy when hes body and emotions are balanced and in harmony. So anything that is a little bit too much is likely to be treatable. That doesen't mean that it is not normal for a cat to hate or love to be held. That means that a cat who hates to be held could get a relief of its hate and continiues with just not prefering beeng held. And the one who wants constantly to be in your arms could get a little bit more confidence of beeng on its own and starts beeng more comfortable with its own cats stuff.

DKat said:

Hello,

Our perfect cat is the sweetest little thing ever. She loves to play, take naps on your chest, talk, etc., but the one and only thing that she whines/complains about is being held. She completely trusts us and is a happy cat. I just don't know why she wouldn't like to be held.

She likes being petted, she likes tummy rubs, everything...it's just the holding issue. Any thoughts?

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I have just accepted that this is the way it is I have 4 cats.  The male, Ramsey, is my baby.  I can do almost anything to him and he purrs and purrs.  The 3 female cats love to sleep with me, they cuddle with me and are very affectionate but the instant I pick them up... they are insulted and want to be put back down... IMMEDIATELY   As soon as I put them down they are rubbing and purring on my again.  I no longer question it. 

gailuvscats said:

Yeah, I have a cat like that too. It is disappointing. I like to cuddle and he doesn't. I keep trying though, he is relatively young, I am thinking I can build up his tolerance. so far, very little change.

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My cat is part Siamese (very aloof breed) and she doesn't like to be held either.  However, keep doing what you are doing because that's how I've been trying to get mine to be more cuddly and she is coming around.  She is 6 months now.  She even jumps up on the neighbor's lap when he comes over and lets him pet her (she seems more prone to men than women).  I try to hold her at least 4-5 times a day, and cuddle her close every time, so that she gets use to it.  She even closes her eyes and purrs for a few minutes now.

It's all about reverse psychology with cats. Most of the time if you want to hold them and try, then they will want the opposite.  The best thing to do is to just keep yourself open and available to your cat, let him or her come to you.  This is how I got my one cat who did not want to be picked up or held to finally give in, I stopped trying.  Also and I can't stress this enough because most people don't listen to this, the way you hold the cat is important as well.  When you hold him, always make sure the cat has an easy out, if he want's to get down he should be able to do it with no resistance.  I usually hold my can up against my chest, with his back paws basically standing on my left hand, with the front of his body draped over my right arm.  This is a natural sitting position for him, and at any time he wants to get down he actually will launch off of my left hand with his back paws.  There is not a scratch or anything involved, and he feels like he has complete control of how long he is held.  Also, cats have a tendency to get spooked when their being picked up so try to bring him close to your body as quickly as you can so he feels secure.  If they don't feel secure their instinct is to extend all four of their legs out to try to get footing, even if that footing involves you accidentally getting slashed by one of his claws.  I believe they do this because when you pick them up, their instincts are telling them that they have just become prey.  After a while when he feels more in control of when you pick him up, you should have no problem.  It takes patience to build the proper trust, but in the end trust me, it is all worth it.

I agree that all cats are simply different, what one cat may like another may dislike. There is no deeper reason other then that, like humans, they all have their own peculiarities. 

But I also think cats can get used to certain things if you introduce them to it early on. I dont think its a coincidence that both my cats can be held upside down, and are so comfortable in that position that they even close their eyes, stretch etc. I think that is mainly due to my girlfriend who, for whatever reason, liked holding them as babies when they were kittens. 

And I dont think there is any cat who always wants to be held. It may also be about timing. When they are super active and feel like running around, it may not be the best time to try and cuddle. 

I don't think that any of my cats really enjoy being held but they will tolerate it for short periods. Max and Gus will sometimes lay in our laps to be petted but Lexi, who was a stray, rarely will sit in our laps...but every once in a great while, she'll "ask" to be picked up. She stand up and put her front paws on our leg. I love it but like I said, she rarely does it. Lexi likes to watch people and our other cats. She's funny because she'll pick someone and just follow that person around all day, or she'll pick one of the other cats and just follow them around...but she's not big on actually interacting with us unless its to play with us. We call her our "little stalker". haha

Speaking of suspected abuse, I think she was to some extent but not bad enough that it "damaged" her severely. She was a frightened cat when I first found her and would flinch, growl and hiss, if we tried to pet her around her head. She's still head shy but she really has improved. I think that her lack of desire for any real interaction (including being held and petted) stems from that. I just think that she'll always be this way and that's ok. She's just the way she is and we love her madly.

My older girl has never been big on being picked up for a cuddle, even though she was handled a lot, and lovingly of course, as a kitten. 

However she will hound me relentlessly to take her 'ghecko hunting' around the house. This involves holding her and walking around each room of the house while she surveys the ceiling, walls (including behind pictures and curtains) and ledges.  Should she spot one she will go quite rigid, look at it, look at me, look back at it etc, until I lift her up so she can reach it.

I should explain that we have a plague of Asian House Geckos which are displacing our native ones, so Nilah is just doing her bit for the environment.  

And I get a cuddle.  Sort of.

Reading this thread makes me feel "Oh, good, it's not just our cat"! 

All of our cats have been rescues...2 American Shorthairs, 1 Siamese.  They all have loved to be groomed, petted, played with, napped with...but not much for being held.  In addition to the "unknown" reasons, I often wonder how much of it is breed related?

Someday, I hope to be able to adopt a Ragdoll.  From all that I have read, they seem to be made for lap sitting!  Also, I have aspirations of raising a Therapy Cat to use with Hospice and Nursing homes.  Not anytime soon, unfortunately, but it is on my "bucket list"!

Good thread!

It has been just over a year since we adopted a sweet little calico kitty.  She was abandoned with her mom and a litter of kittens in the hot AZ sun and barely survived the heat.  She was not adverse to being held at all as a kitten and my daughter, carried her around all the time.  She will still let my daughter pick her up almost any time she wants.  Almost no one else in the house can however.  She does not go crazy or hurt anyone but clearly she does not like it and wants down.  Sadly she also does not snuggle at all.  She will only wait till my daughter is asleep and then snuggle up to her when sleeping.  I think this may have to do with how long she was waiting to be adopted and the fact that she had to be taken from her mother so early (due to dehydration she could not feed her)  She is a sweet kitty and will rub against our legs, and on an occasion or two offer the belly for rubs, but never a cuddler.  I know  cats are all special creatures and each one has a different personality just like people, I just sometimes wonder if there isn't something we have done wrong by her as an adopted kitty that we should be doing for her.  She is just a year old so we still have time to fix something we may have done wrong. 

It's doubtful that you did anything wrong - some cats, like some people, just don't like a lot of physical contact. A one-year-old cat is usually a bundle of energy and may not be able to sit or lie still long enough to snuggle much. She might get cuddlier as she gets older, on her own terms. Our cat refuses to sit on my lap, but loves to lie on top of or next to me, or drape himself across my shoulders. He'll lie or sit on my husband as long as I'm not in the room. I can pick him up, but hubby isn't allowed to.

LOL, I love your optimism at the idea that he may change. If there is one thing I do know about our wonderful feline friends is, they decide what is what, and nothing on earth we can do can change that particularly regarding being picked up, held etc.  However, I wish you luck, it is lovely when they allow you. xx

Just an opinion based on observations from my experience as a cat owner. I think that a kitten needs to be continuously exposed to our need to cuddle within the first 8 to 12 weeks of life in order to be able to tolerate our desire to hold them. The lack of tolerance can be of course part personality, in which case they'll never get use to it. Being exposed to this human act at a very early age goes a long way towards tolerance though. When not exposed to cradling they then depend on the more traditional mindset when it comes to a sense of control. I say control, I mean to say they need to feel in control of a situation so as to best protect themselves from threats. Neither of my two cats were held much as kittens. My one, I got her when she was about 6 months, was locked in a room and not given much attention prior to me getting her. My other cat was found while being thrown from a moving vehicle with her siblings, in a plastic bag. It's safe to assume she didn't get much love at all, let alone cradling, prior to that. She was about 12 weeks when she came to live with us.
When these two babies came to me I made a point of holding them little bits at a time. Now they tolerate, but only to a degree. The oldest maintains a OMG look with her toes spread until the torture is over, but doesn't fight to get away anymore. The baby is comfortable for a minute or two then is done, unless she is in love mode, then I can squeeze bit more out of her.
When it comes to snuggling and cuddling, the oldest likes my lap and will lay under the covers in bed for some snuggle time. The baby likes my shoulders, but only when I'm on the toilet. It's weird, but at least I know she loves me lol.

may have been removed from mommy too soon. mommy teaches kittens social behaviior

It took me a while to understand the nature of the cats my friend had. Initially, they really pissed me off beacuse no matter how much I loved them, they never loved me back. After a while, maybe after a few days, I was lying down on my bed, my friend got the cats and I didnt react to it, I just kept on being normal and not at all excited, though I really was. In just a few minuites, the cats came up to me, started licking me and slept hugging me. Gosh! That was one moment I totally changed my mind about cats and fell in love with them. Humans always want a response to every action they do, you cuddle or pamper a cat, if she doesnt love u..a lot of people develop a different opinion about them at that time, but when a cat really loves you on her own, its really a cute feeling.

She has been very loving, but in her own very cat sort of way.  I can tell she is at least happy and content.  She does the typical rubbing against walls and around your legs and that cheek rub cats do against everything she can, basically saying this is mine, and I love it/you.  But she has to do it to you, you can not ever make the advance to her.  She will of course let my daughter pick her up and do just about anything to her, for a short period of time till she has enough and will get down.  Never any clawing or anything bad like that.  The only 'clawing' we have had is when the kids have made the mistakes of 'playing' with her with their hands.. which is just a no no with cats who still have their claws, one must play with toys. Not your hands.  Anyway, she just does not like to cuddle or sit with you on the sofa or anything.  She will however come over and flop herself in the middle of the floor while we watch tv, so clearly it isn't that she doesn't wish to be around us, she just doesn't want to be -right- next us.  I do fear that is just due to those days that she was shuttled from carrier to carrier and while cared for, she wasn't snuggled.  She is still our beautiful callie kitty and we love her to pieces and would never -ever- get rid of her just cause she doesn't like to snuggle.  I was only looking to see if someone else had maybe come across a similar case with a cat and found a way that helped them.  

Jo doesn't like to be held either. She's about 4-5 months and very affectionate otherwise. Just don't pick her off the ground and you'll be fine.

Personally, I don't think I'll ever try to change that, if that's her preference.

Lady will tolerate being picked up for a minute or so, she won't however lie on me or sit on my lap either for long.  I am guessing that her previous human did not encourage this because I have never had a cat that didn't like to lap sit.  Lady does like to lie at my legs on the sofa, and she does now come up to bed with me, have a bit of a snuggle and then she goes to sleep under the bed for some reason, comes back up in the morning for a bit of fuss, and then she starts annoying me to feed her................ the joys of parenthood eh? lolol..          She is very loving and she loves to have her tummy rubbed!  

My female Tortie is a strange one. She hates being picked up but loves being held once you have her up to your chest/shoulder.

Once she is being held she doesn't want it to end. But trying to pick her up she will run away a few times and complain when you do.