Relationship Question

This time its not about me!
I have 2 friends. We will call the girl Em and the guy D. I set them up a few months ago and all is great. They have moved in together and are talking about marriage! Well there is an event on next Friday that Lee and D have been planning on going to for a year now. They go every year. Well Em started a new job and works on some weekends. Em is upset that D is going. they are only going to be gone on Friday. Em thinks the Lee is a bad influence on D who is easily swayed in his decisions. She told D that she will be mad if he goes.

I don't think that is right. I love Em like family, but I totally disagree with her on this. How do I let her know that he should go since this was planned for longer than they have been together and it won't mess up their weekend together. Or should I just stay out. I thought about suggesting we do a girls night with chick flicks and popcorn since the boys will be out of town. That way I am not meddling or anything. What do you think?

I would offer your friend to have a 'girls night out', but I would stay out of the situation with her and her bf. You know what I mean? Let her know that the offer is there to hang out, but don't say 'I really think you should hang out with me because your bf should be allowed to go to this event...'. Unless she asks you directly for advice I wouldn't touch it It will just cause problems.

That is what I thought to. But I really want to tell her she is wrong and being very controlling. I don't want to start a fight with her though. And I want to tell him to stand up for himself and stop being ordered around like a child. He is a grown man. But its not my place!

I wouldn't meddle either. Unless she asks for your opinion. A girls night out is a great idea though. Just don't let it turn into a guy bashing party.

It won't turn into that. I agree that they both should go. Its a great even. I have been twice. Its KartFest in North Carolina. They are leaving early in the morning and will be home at 7 or 8 in the evening. In the past we have stayed the night. But that is out of the question now since all the hotels get booked months in advance. I texted her the suggestion now I have to wait for the answer.

Originally Posted by Phenomsmom

That is what I thought to. But I really want to tell her she is wrong and being very controlling. I don't want to start a fight with her though. And I want to tell him to stand up for himself and stop being ordered around like a child. He is a grown man. But its not my place!

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I know, it's hard! I know you set them up, but now it is their relationship and it might be best to let go and see how it works out. Relationships tend to do that... I know some couples where one is more controlling of some aspects of the relationship and it works out well for them. You can't change people, and I would be worried you would just be creating tension in your relationships with your friends if you try to set them straight.

I agree with what has been said, and I think you're doing the right thing. Unless she asks what you think, she probably won't listen to you anyway and might just become defensive. And you don't want it to turn into a fight with her. But I understand where you're coming from. It annoys me too when women act controlling like that.

You've made a nice offer of a 'girls night in' and I'd leave it as it stands- if she wants to turn this situation into an argument then I'd just lie low and try not to get involved as I don't see how you can gain anything from a row about this

Well I dunno. If you can't be honest with your friends, then that's a pretty sad state of affairs. I think you should tell her your honest opinion. She needs to learn that her BF is allowed to spend time with his friends. If she complains to you, I wouldn't just make sympathetic noises and try to be non-confrontational about it. This affects Lee too, and I'm sure you'll hear about it from him.

Lee is the one that told me. I am sure I will see her sometime this weekend and it will be brought up.

I agree with the others. I have meddled WAY too many times in friends relationships in the past, told them my judgement (without them questioning) and got burned by in. In fact many of those people I rarely hear from (maybe a christmas card every few years).

Anyways, unless asked your opinion, you have none.

There are other factors to consider. Is the fact that she's upset that D is going because that was their only night together since she started a new job? Or is she like that whenever Lee and D go out?

Lee and D don't go out without us. Normally we all do something together. She is my best friend and D is Lee's best friend. I offered to babysite Her little girl so they could have a date night with no kid and his mom ended up keeping her and we all went out together. She gets mad when Lee and D get to talking about racing and she and I talk abou girls stuff. Maybe she is just overwhelmed. He is in school and works full time, she works and takes care of her daughter. But they still have the evenings together.

Lee and D have started going to the gym again so that is a little less time they have together. Maybe she is jealous of Lee....

No one like to be told they are wrong! Although I completly agree with you I think your best option would be to suggest a girls night out. I hate it when girls think their guys shouldn't have a life of their own simply because they are dating. It shows insecurities and the want to control him and that's not very attractive. Has she said why she'll be mad if he goes? I don't get it espically since it's not even an over night event and it's been planned since before they were together. If you aren't really close saying anything could damage the friendship but if you are close, I agree that you should be able to tell her, in a nice way, that her actions could drive D away.

If it comes up, do not tell her what you think about her control issues or even hint that she in some way is doing something you disagree with.

You can say something about what YOU do or feel, but don't judge her, even if she asks you what you think.
Your comments can be something like, I understand how you feel, I used to feel like that, but he doesn't care if I do stuff, so I think he should do his own thing too, it's not worth fighting over.

She is obviously feeling insecure in the relationship, and it is probably her old abandonment issues. Once she feels secure, she won't act like that, or she will act like that so much, she will drive him away.

Either way, it is not your issue, and you should zip it. It will only come back to bite you in the arse.

Finding a balance in schedules is HARD. Especially when you are in school and working. She may very well be feeling a little left out, but that is perfectly normal. Do they live together? I am in school and working and I have pretty much lost all of my friends because I just don't have time to 'hang out'. I put a lot of effort into trying make sure my relationship with my fiance doesn't hurt too much by my schedule. Here it sounds like Lee's friend is trying to keep up with everything!
Your friend may have just begun to feel settled, but with a new job comes a change in schedule which leads to many more insecurities and concerns... especially in a fairly new relationship. I am there now with my own relationship and we have been together for over 8 years. I don't think that she is intentionally trying to be controlling.

Yes they live together. I know they are both busy but they still need time with their friends with out eachother. That is what causes a lot of issues with new relationships. They cut there guys time or girls time out. I probably won't hear from her until lunch.

I would talk to her about why it bothers her so much. Make it a conversation instead of a lecture. I am sure you know this. Sometimes just bringing it up will open the gates to how she feels about it all.

Originally Posted by gailuvscats

You can say something about what YOU do or feel, but don't judge her, even if she asks you what you think.
Your comments can be something like, I understand how you feel, I used to feel like that, but he doesn't care if I do stuff, so I think he should do his own thing too, it's not worth fighting over.

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This is a great idea! She might get the hint that way.